A/N: If my calculations are correct (which they probably are...n't) then it's about 10 weeks till the new series of Charmeded: The Show That's Almost Charmed But Not Quite hits our planet! I'm putting it up once this Big Brother thing is finished. Maybe more, maybe less, but 10 weeks is what I'm working with. Woohp?
A/N: To whoever voted in the last chapter using my name: what the paige was that all about? Obviously I'm not allowed to vote in this and if I did, it'd be an official, signed review. I also do not have atrocious spelling, and I certainly wouldn't say "How could you do that to Piper" to myself. I think it'd be something like "How could *I* do that to Piper", you eight legged lesbium! One more thing, I would also not even THINK about voting off my beloved Whorebe! I may hate her, but she is oh-so-fun to write! So next time you try to fob yourself off as being me and hope that I somehow wouldn't remember if I'd reviewed the story, at least TRY to be a little more convincing! Jebus...
A/N: While we're here, to whoever has been going onto my website and voting for Prue in the who do you hate the most poll. And took hours to do it. Let me tell you people how many times said person has voted for Prue: fourteen. Thousand. Not fourteen hundred, fourteen thousand. Now short of a weekend campout by the keyboard with peanut butter sandwiches and marmite (EW) from the jar, washed down with spicy pomegranate juise, I can't think of any way said person achieved this, but omap, whoever you are, I loathe you. But, of course, said person is also a coward who doesn't leave any form of contact. SO COME ON, BITCHASS! I DARES YA!
Anyways...
A/N: To Steph: WOWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A/N: To everybody else: I lubb you all. *points at meagan* Except you! *points at aforementioned Prue hater* And exspecially I hate you.
MEAGAN: Aww...
FREAKASS: I hate Prue!
KT BEATS FREAKASS WITH PHOEBE.
A/N: To KT: Get on with the story, AP condemn thee!
KT: Shee... way to act like Jade, me!
JADE: Just you wait, my time is coming, oh how it is.
KT: Shh! *slaps Jade*
CHARMEDED BIG BROTHER
KT: Tonight we find out who is the third person to be evicted from the Big Brother house. Will it be Cole, Paige, Phoebe or Piper. You decided, now find out in Charmeded Big Brother.
EXT. GARDEN - DAY. ALL OF THE HOUSEMATES: ANDY, COLE, DARRYL, LEO, PAIGE, PHOEBE, PIPER, PRUE AND THE SOURCE ARE LAZING ABOUT IN YET ANOTHER SUNNY DAY, GOD DAMN THEM!
PRUE: Man, it's such a beautiful day.
PHOEBE: Yeah, and Cole's cock is really gorgeous!
COLE: Well, I shower weekly-
PIPER: She meant the rooster you're holding, doofus.
COLE IS INDEED HOLDING A CHICKEN. THE CHICKEN IS SCARECROW PROO (SP) TO BE EXACT.
PHOEBE: I did?
ANDY: Sure is quiet around here without Abbey.
PAIGE: Abbey who?
PRUE: Paige, don't pretend you don't remember her. Just because she didn't idolise you.
PAIGE: Nobody does!
PAIGE RUNS INTO THE HOUSE, CRYING. PIPER FOLLOWS.
LEO: Hey, do you guys think Piper likes me?
DARRYL: I'm not sure if Piper likes anyone.
SOURCE: Will you all cut out that infernal rambling! I'm trying to get a tan!
PRUE: Good luck. With all those robes on and that hood pulled over your face I'm surprised if you even know what the sun looks like.
SOURCE: Shut up or I'll flame you all!
CUT TO: THE GIRLS' BEDROOM. PAIGE RUNS IN, CLOSELY FOLLOWED BY PIPER. PAIGE COLLAPSES ON HER BED AND CRIES LOUDLY. PIPER SITS DOWN BESIDE HER AND COMFORTS HER.
PIPER: Oh come on sweetie, I'm sure you would've been Abbey's second choice!
PAIGE: It's not just that - it's just... it's just everything! Piper, everybody hates me!
PIPER: Oh that's not true.
PAIGE: But you hate me, don't you?
PIPER: That's different. I hate everyone. But if it makes you feel any better, you're one of the people I hate the least.
PAIGE: Really?
PIPER: Really.
PAIGE HUGS PIPER.
PIPER: Don't think this means we're friends. Because I still hate you!
PAIGE: Oh I know you don't mean that.
PIPER: No, really, get off me.
PAIGE: You're such a kidder!
PIPER: STOP F*CKING TOUCHING ME, BITCH!
PIPER SHOVES PAIGE TO THE FLOOR AND STORMS OUT.
CUT TO: GARDEN. THE HOUSEMATES OVERHEARD PIPER SCREAMING AT PAIGE.
PHOEBE: Paige is a lesbium! I knew it!
COLE: And Piper isn't? Well that's my world crashing down.
BB: Will all housemates please assemble in the Big Brother compound.
PHOEBE: But I wanted to look at Cole's cock!
COLE SHOWS PHOEBE SP.
PHOEBE: No, the OTHER one!
COLE: Woo!
CUT TO: THE SITTING AREA. THE HOUSEMATES ALL GET THERE AND SIT DOWN.
PAIGE: Well, good luck I guess.
COLE: Me and Phoebe are going to have sex as soon as this is over.
PRUE: That's taking into account that one of you isn't evicted, Cole?
COLE: Oh pish posh! We're the loveable couple! No one wants us to be apart!
BB: The housemate to be evicted from Big Brother in week five is...
LONG LONG PAUSE.
LONGER.
OKAY, WHY DON'T YOU GUYS SCROLL FOR A BIT?
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COME ON, PUT SOME MUSCLE INTO IT!
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STOP WHINING AND KEEP GOING!
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KEEP GOING...
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LAST ONE THERE LUBBS 'LYSSIE'
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OKAY THAT'S ENOUGH. THAT'S HOW LONG THE PAUSE WAS.
BB: Cole.
COLE: What? No! But me! Phoebe! The sex!
PHOEBE: Yeah - the sex!
ALACK, DEAR VIEWERS, POOR COLE AND PHOEBE DON'T GET THE CHANCE TO HAVE SEX FOR AT THAT MOMENT, A LARGE TUBE EXTENDS FROM THE CEILING AND SUCKS PRUE UP. ALL GASP. THEN IT SPITS PRUE OUT AND SUCKS COLE UP. PRUE FALLS AND LANDS IN ANDY'S LAP.
ANDY: Are you okay Prue?
PRUE: I am now.
THEY MAKE GOOGLY EYES AT EACH OTHER UNTIL THE SILENCE IS BROKEN BY PHOEBE WAILING.
PHOEBE: Oh no my Cole! Who will I have to lesbium up now?
PHOEBE STARTS LESBIUMING ANDY UP. YES WHILE PRUE IS STILL THERE.
ANDY: Ew! Get off me you woolly pink moron!
PHOEBE: Aww...
PHOEBE STARTS LESBIUMING DARRYL UP.
DARRYL: I have a gun and I'm not afraid to use it.
IF POSSIBLE, PHOEBE LOOKS EVEN MORE EXCITED. EW.
DARRYL: Ew! Not in that way you lesbium incest child!
PHOEBE: Aww...
PHOEBE STARTS LESBIUMING LEO UP.
LEO: Ack! Get off me! I'm sickened by the very thought that I'm of the same race as you!
PHOEBE: The woolly pink faloofahs?
LEO SLAPS PHOEBE.
PHOEBE: Aww...
PIPER: Am I sensing a pattern here?
PAIGE: I don't know, but I have the theme tune to M*A*S*H in my head.
ALL SING THE THEME TUNE. GO ON, YOU DO IT TOO. DO DOOO DO DOO DO DO DOOOO DO DOOOO DO DOO DO DOO DOOOOOO. PHOEBE STARTS LESBIUMING THE SOURCE UP.
SOURCE: What the paige! Get off me or I'll stick a lightning bolt up your ass!
PHOEBE: Do you promise?
SOURCE: Aw man! That's sick!
HE PUSHES PHOEBE OFF.
SOURCE: Stay away from me! You're getting lesbium cooties all over my Versace robes!
PHOEBE: Aww...
SILENCE. PHOEBE STARTS LESBIUMING PAIGE UP.
PAIGE: Ooh Phoebe! Never knew you liked me that way!
PAIGE AND PHOEBE RUN OFF TO THE GIRLS' BEDROOM TO... NEVER YOU MIND.
BB: Will all housemates please assemble in front of the television.
PAIGE AND PHOEBE ENTER LOOKING DISAPPOINTED.
PAIGE: Spoil our fun.
PHOEBE: No! I don't want to watch my one true love Cole die!
PAIGE: Hey! You just told me that I was your one true love!
PHOEBE: Well duh. I only said that to get you naked. And we were interrupted, so it wasn't even worth it!
PAIGE CRIES. NOBODY REALLY CARES. SUCH IS LIFE. THE HOUSEMATES SETTLE IN FRONT OF THE TELEVISION.
CUT TO: SCREEN.
* * *
BLACK. THE TITLE OF THE 'MOVIE' COMES UP: "BACK TO THE...".
WE OPEN ON COLE STANDING ALONE IN THE MIDDLE OF A JUNGLE-TYPE SCENARIO.
PIPER(OS): Hey that looks like the garden!
OUT OF NOWHERE BY A MYSTERIOUS HAND, PIPER FINDS HERSELF BEING SLAPPED. BACK TO THE SHOW. SWEAT IS POURING DOWN COLE'S DIRTY, PERVERTED, STUBBLY FACE (PAINT A NICE PICTURE, DON'T I?)
COLE: Um, hello? Look - I have money. I'll give you anything you want. Take Phoebe! I just don't wanna die!
SUDDENLY A TYRANN... A TYRANN... OKAY I'M GONNA HAVE TO LOOK UP THE SPELLING, BE WITH YOU IN A SEC!
*kt goes to look*
WELL WHADDYA KNOW, I SPELT IT RIGHT IN THE FIRST PLACE! A HUGE TYRANNOSAURUS REX BOUNDS OUT FROM BEHIND THE TREES. COLE SCREAMS 'A LITTLE'.
PRUE(OS): A little? How can you scream a little? You either do or you don't. There's no two ways about it!
KT SMIRKS AT STEPH. BUT ENOUGH ABOUT THAT. BACK TO COLE AND THE T-REX.
COLE: Oh, this is no problem. If I was invisible!
COLE RUNS, CLOSELY PURSUED BY MR T, SCREAMING A LITTLE.
COLE: Ahh...hhh...hhh...hhh!
HE GETS CORNERED IN, WELL, A CORNER! HE BACKS UP AGAINST THE WALL AS MR T LEERS AT HIM... LEERINGLY.
COLE: No! I, I'm an ADA! I can sue you all! I'll scream! I'll scream a little!
MR T STOOPS DOWN AND CLAMPS HIS MOUTH SHUT AROUND COLE'S P'IDIUM BODY. COLE IS SCREAMING A LITTLE. LEANING BACK, MR T SHAKES COLE AROUND FOR A FEW MOMENTS (MUCH TO THE HORROR OF THE REST OF THE HOUSEMATES WHO SCREAM A WHOLE LOT MORE THAN A LITTLE) BEFORE TILTING HIS HEAD UPWARDS AND SWALLOWING COLE. ONCE THE DEED IS DONE, MR T STEPS ON THE CAMERA. HOW. RUDE. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT EQUIPMENT COSTS? IT'S NOT CHEAP!
SOURCE(OS): Now that's entertainment.
PAIGE(OS): We just watched one of our friends get killed!
SOURCE(OS): Oh yeah.
THE SCREEN FADES TO BLACK AND THE TITLE, "BACK TO THE..." REAPPEARS BEFORE THE TELEVISION SWITCHES OFF.
* * *
ANDY: Well, at least there was less blood than last time.
DARRYL: I just want to know where the paige they got a whole frickin dinosaur from!
KT: Rather than show disgust at the gore and horror they've just been subjected to, the housemates choose to discuss it almost as if it were a form of entertainment. Psychologists explain this as being the housemates actually hardening to the way they are being treated.
PHOEBE: I'm uh, just going to the diary room.
PHOEBE FLOUNCES OFF.
SOURCE: I liked it. The way he screamed only a little showed real talent that I didn't think he could ever possess.
CUT TO:
INT. DIARY ROOM. PHOEBE ENTERS AND SITS DOWN.
BB: Hello Phoebe.
PHOEBE: Hello Big Brother.
BB: How are you?
PHOEBE: I just watched my only love die. How do you think I am?
BB: Do you wish to talk about it?
PHOEBE STARTS CRYING.
PHOEBE: I know everybody sees me as being shallow and inconsiderate, but I really think I was in love with Cole. And now he's gone, and I actually have to start caring about how other people think! Because if people don't like me, that could end up in me getting killed!
PAUSE.
BB: Well, Phoebe, everybody has their hard luck story to tell.
PHOEBE: Big Brother!
BB: They just don't make it as vocal as you! Now quit whining and get out there and entertain the masses! That's what you do best!
PHOEBE: Really? People think I'm entertaining?
BB: Um... I never said that.
PHOEBE: *squeals* Oh thank you Big Brother! You always know exactly what to say!
PHOEBE SKIPS UP AND KISSES THE CAMERA, AND EXITS.
BB: *throws up*
I NEVER THOUGHT IT WAS POSSIBLE FOR A CAMERA TO THROW UP UNTIL NOW. NOT A PRETTY SIGHT.
CUT TO:
KT: Day... um day seventy one. The housemates get prepared for making their nominations.
THE HOUSEMATES ARE IN THE KITCHEN, MAKING A JOINT EFFORT AT COOKING.
PIPER: So... who wouldn't mind dying?
SILENCE.
DARRYL: You're trying to see who you're going to nominate, huh?
PIPER: Just a little bit. So... would anybody actually MIND if they got evicted next week?
PAIGE: Uh, Piper, I'm sorry, but I don't think anybody wants to die, you freak-faced idium!
PIPER STARES AT PAIGE.
PRUE: Guys, come on, calm down. This is tough on us all, let's not fight. Let's play a game!
SOURCE: How about "Who Can Handle Sticking Their Hand In A Pot Of Boiling Water The Longest"? I'll be judge!
PHOEBE: Sounds great! Me first!
PHOEBE IS ABOUT TO STICK HER HAND IN A BOILING POT OF WATER WHEN:
BB: Will Andy please come to the diary room?
SOURCE: Curses!
CUT TO: DIARY ROOM. ANDY ENTERS.
ANDY: Hello Big Brother.
BB: Hello Andy. Please state your nominations.
ANDY: Well, honestly, it was gonna be Piper this time because quite frankly she's been a total bitch. But you know recently she's shown a real turnaround, and I actually quite like her! So... not Piper.
ANDY GETS SLAPPED.
BB: Please state who you would like to be evicted from the Big Brother compound, not who you wish to stay. IDIUM!
ANDY: Oh right, sorry. My first choice is The Source because um, 'nice' as he is, he's really quiet and I don't seem to get along with him all that well. Also Paige because we don't really have anything in common except our undying love of strawberry flavoured milk, but I don't think that's really enough to base an entire friendship on.
TIME LAPSE: DARRYL IS NOMINATING.
DARRYL: Let's think. I'm going with Phoebe, just to put her out of her misery in more ways than one. She's really cut up about Cole getting axed. And, uh, also Leo, because his face looks more like an apple every time I look at it. And I can't handle it!
TIME LAPSE: LEO IS NOMINATING.
LEO: Paige, because she keeps screwing stuff up then coming to me for help, and it's totally getting to me! It's like she has a crush on me or something. Anyway, and also Darryl because he's giving me bad vibes about the shape of my head, which I'm very sensitive about.
TIME LAPSE: PAIGE IS NOMINATING.
PAIGE: Uh... Phoebe, because yeah, Cole died and it's all very sad for her, but I still can't stand the runt! Also Piper, because I think her niceness is just an act. Either that or I'm trying to get rid of my main competition!
TIME LAPSE: PHOEBE IS NOMINATING.
PHOEBE: Hello Big Brother.
BB: Hello Phoebe. Please give your nominations coupled with a reason why-
PHOEBE: Coupled?
PHOEBE STARTS CRYING.
PHOEBE: Oh AP Cole! I was in a couple with him! And I loved him so much!
BB: Yes, it's all very sad. Now. Nominations.
PHOEBE: Paige and Prue, because I know they always despised me and Cole's affair, secretly of course, but they did! I hate them both!
BB: Thank you Phoebe.
PHOEBE: I mean, couldn't they just leave us alone? All we wanted to do was be a happy, normal, fornicating couple but could they be happy for us? Heck no! They had to nominate for Cole and ruin my life! Sure I don't KNOW they nominated for Cole, but I don't care enough to actually find out the facts! All I wanted was to have sex with Cole and...
TIME LAPSE.
PHOEBE: ... spoil our happiness, didn't they? They're clearly jealous of me and my good looks, I know I'm totally gorgeous so I try not to flaunt it too much in front of other people cos sometimes that creates and environment of hostility which really isn't good for my complexion, and another thing, they never seemed to...
TIME LAPSE.
PHOEBE: ... which I think is spawned from the psychology behind the matter: they couldn't hack anybody else being happy if it meant they were left in the dark with no attention. Really it's quite simple actually. I just can't get over the pathetic childishness of their actions, I mean, they're total babies and really I think it's all about...
TIME LAPSE.
PHOEBE: ... miss him so much which obviously makes Paige and Prue happy which really in a way sickens me! What kind of people get pleasure from others' misery? From death, violence and hurt? The type of people that watch this show? They get some sort of sadistic pleasure out of my pain, and that disgusts me! How many other lives must we...
TIME LAPSE.
PHOEBE: ... bottom line! And you know what else really gets me? The way Paige flosses. She's always so careless and doesn't care where she puts her trash, once I found one of her lipsticks on my bed with the lid off - the lid off you hear me? And then I realised it was mine, but hello? Not the point! The point is that I just KNOW that Paige would be heartless enough to do such a thing and really all she ever does is jump to conclusions about other people and Prue! Don't even get me started about Prue! Well, to start with, all she ever does is smirk away with that self-satisfied sarcastic thing she has going on there...
TIME LAPSE.
PHOEBE: ... and I bet it doesn't even look that good! What the paige would anyone think if Prue walked in wearing a-
CUT TO:
KITCHEN. THE HOUSEMATES ARE SITTING AT THE TABLE EATING DINNER.
PRUE: Phoebe's been gone for like three hours. Do you think I should go check if she's okay?
CUT BACK TO:
DIARY ROOM. PHOEBE IS STILL RANTING.
PHOEBE: ... absolutely NO consideration for others whatsoever!
THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR.
PHOEBE: *sugar sweet* Yes?
PRUE(OS): Phoebe? Your dinner's cold.
PHOEBE: Oh, never mind, I'm kinda busy right now, but I'll get it later.
PRUE(OS): Okay. I'll put it in the oven to warm it up for you, okay?
PHOEBE: You got it! Thanks!
PHOEBE TURNS BACK TO THE CAMERA.
PHOEBE: See what I mean? Totally self-centred. That's the main thing that gets me about Prue - she...
CUT TO: LIVING AREA. THE HOUSEMATES SIT AND LAZE ABOUT.
SOURCE: I want to nominate!
ANDY: Phoebe's been gone for well over five hours now!
PRUE: Guess she needed to vent a little. After all, her one true love DID just bite the big one.
PAIGE: Oh who cares? He was Cole! It's not like anybody liked him!
PIPER: Condescending much Paige? You could try to be a little more respectful.
PAIGE: It was Cole! He was bad news!
PRUE: Be that as it may, I still think we should try to support Phoebe. Like her as we may not.
DARRYL: Yeah, she's probably out next weeks anyway, may as well make it nice. I guess.
PHOEBE FINALLY ENTERS.
ANDY: Phoebe, are you okay?
PHOEBE: Yeah... I just needed to talk about me for once.
PRUE: Cos you never do that...
PHOEBE GLARES AT PRUE, WHO DOESN'T NOTICE.
BB: Will Piper please come to the diary room?
WITH A GRUNT, PIPER GETS UP.
PHOEBE: So. Were you guys talking about me?
CUT TO: DIARY ROOM. PIPER ENTERS.
PIPER: I won't bother sitting down. I'm too stiff. Um, I'm going with Phoebe because I kinda feel sorry for her. Oh, and I hate her. And also Paige, cos bleh! She tried to lesbium me up earlier on in the week!
TIME LAPSE: PRUE IS NOMINATING.
PRUE: I'll go with Phoebe because like her as much as I don't, I kinda... wait, that was my reason - I don't like her. Also, she's miserable just now. She should be dead, and with Cole! Secondly I'm picking Paige, because I get these really ooky vibes from her like she wants me dead so she can take my place. Only AP knows where THEY'RE coming from but ya know, trust your instincts and all.
TIME LAPSE: THE SOURCE IS NOMINATING.
SOURCE: Leo, because he's a goody good bastard, and also Paige because I'M the evil one around here, and she shouldn't be allowed to make such nasty comments when it's MY job! I'll flame her! I'll flame her good!
BB: Thank you, Source.
SOURCE: It's THE Source! I'll flame you too! I'll flame you good!
BB: Pardon me - thank you The Source.
SOURCE: Yeah bizatch.
THE SOURCE EXITS.
CUT TO: LIVING AREA. THE SOURCE JOINS EVERYBODY ELSE ON THE COUCHES. NOW EXCUSE ME WHILE I DO SOME COUNTING.
OH DEAR ASTRAL PRUE. I AM TOTALLY NOT KIDDING, THE ENTIRE THING TOOK ME ABOUT TEN MINUTES. YOU SEE, I HAVE THIS TABLE I PUT ALL THE NUMBERS ON THEN I HAVE TO CALCULATE AND DOUBLE CHECK AND... YEAH OKAY, EXCUSES, EXCUSES. HERE ARE THE RESULTS:
BB: The nominations have been counted.
THE HOUSEMATES ALL BE NERVOUS. AWWW. PHOEBE IS LESBIUMING EVERYBODY UP IN HER HEIGHTENED STATE.
PHOEBE: I voted for Prue and Paige.
PRUE AND PAIGE GLARE.
BB: The housemates up for eviction in week six of Charmeded Big Brother-
ALL: Charmeded?
BB: Um... in Big Brother are...
PAUSE.
I'D GET YOU TO SCROLL MORE BUT THAT INVOLVES EFFORT ON MY PART AS WELL AS YOURS SO MEH.
BB: Paige.
PAIGE: Again?
BB: And.
PAIGE: Aw man this sucks! I thought you guys liked me!
BB: Phoebe.
PHOEBE: What? Haven't I gone through enough?
PAIGE: Shh! It's gonna say whoever's next.
SILENCE.
PRUE: Sorry Paige. Looks like it's just you and whorebe.
PAIGE GLARES AT PHOEBE, WHO IS SUCKING ON A CUSHION.
PAIGE: Easy.
ANDY: May the best freak win!
ROLL CREDITS.
KT: Well folks, in case your interested, here are the rest of the nominations, just because it took me so long to tot them all up. Paige was by far the most 'popular' choice this week, receiving nominations from over half the housemates with 6 voted. She is followed by Phoebe with a one-more-than-last-week four votes. Leo received two nominations while Darryl, Piper, Prue and The Source had one each. For the first week ever, Andy got no nominations.
Now here's the hard part:
Who stays and who goes?
PAIGE
or
PHOEBE
You decide.
A/N: WOAH! I just copied and pasted this onto a Word document and Oh My Sweet Sweet Astral Prue! It's 13 paiges long!!!! That ain't right.
A/N: To whoever voted in the last chapter using my name: what the paige was that all about? Obviously I'm not allowed to vote in this and if I did, it'd be an official, signed review. I also do not have atrocious spelling, and I certainly wouldn't say "How could you do that to Piper" to myself. I think it'd be something like "How could *I* do that to Piper", you eight legged lesbium! One more thing, I would also not even THINK about voting off my beloved Whorebe! I may hate her, but she is oh-so-fun to write! So next time you try to fob yourself off as being me and hope that I somehow wouldn't remember if I'd reviewed the story, at least TRY to be a little more convincing! Jebus...
A/N: While we're here, to whoever has been going onto my website and voting for Prue in the who do you hate the most poll. And took hours to do it. Let me tell you people how many times said person has voted for Prue: fourteen. Thousand. Not fourteen hundred, fourteen thousand. Now short of a weekend campout by the keyboard with peanut butter sandwiches and marmite (EW) from the jar, washed down with spicy pomegranate juise, I can't think of any way said person achieved this, but omap, whoever you are, I loathe you. But, of course, said person is also a coward who doesn't leave any form of contact. SO COME ON, BITCHASS! I DARES YA!
Anyways...
A/N: To Steph: WOWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A/N: To everybody else: I lubb you all. *points at meagan* Except you! *points at aforementioned Prue hater* And exspecially I hate you.
MEAGAN: Aww...
FREAKASS: I hate Prue!
KT BEATS FREAKASS WITH PHOEBE.
A/N: To KT: Get on with the story, AP condemn thee!
KT: Shee... way to act like Jade, me!
JADE: Just you wait, my time is coming, oh how it is.
KT: Shh! *slaps Jade*
CHARMEDED BIG BROTHER
KT: Tonight we find out who is the third person to be evicted from the Big Brother house. Will it be Cole, Paige, Phoebe or Piper. You decided, now find out in Charmeded Big Brother.
EXT. GARDEN - DAY. ALL OF THE HOUSEMATES: ANDY, COLE, DARRYL, LEO, PAIGE, PHOEBE, PIPER, PRUE AND THE SOURCE ARE LAZING ABOUT IN YET ANOTHER SUNNY DAY, GOD DAMN THEM!
PRUE: Man, it's such a beautiful day.
PHOEBE: Yeah, and Cole's cock is really gorgeous!
COLE: Well, I shower weekly-
PIPER: She meant the rooster you're holding, doofus.
COLE IS INDEED HOLDING A CHICKEN. THE CHICKEN IS SCARECROW PROO (SP) TO BE EXACT.
PHOEBE: I did?
ANDY: Sure is quiet around here without Abbey.
PAIGE: Abbey who?
PRUE: Paige, don't pretend you don't remember her. Just because she didn't idolise you.
PAIGE: Nobody does!
PAIGE RUNS INTO THE HOUSE, CRYING. PIPER FOLLOWS.
LEO: Hey, do you guys think Piper likes me?
DARRYL: I'm not sure if Piper likes anyone.
SOURCE: Will you all cut out that infernal rambling! I'm trying to get a tan!
PRUE: Good luck. With all those robes on and that hood pulled over your face I'm surprised if you even know what the sun looks like.
SOURCE: Shut up or I'll flame you all!
CUT TO: THE GIRLS' BEDROOM. PAIGE RUNS IN, CLOSELY FOLLOWED BY PIPER. PAIGE COLLAPSES ON HER BED AND CRIES LOUDLY. PIPER SITS DOWN BESIDE HER AND COMFORTS HER.
PIPER: Oh come on sweetie, I'm sure you would've been Abbey's second choice!
PAIGE: It's not just that - it's just... it's just everything! Piper, everybody hates me!
PIPER: Oh that's not true.
PAIGE: But you hate me, don't you?
PIPER: That's different. I hate everyone. But if it makes you feel any better, you're one of the people I hate the least.
PAIGE: Really?
PIPER: Really.
PAIGE HUGS PIPER.
PIPER: Don't think this means we're friends. Because I still hate you!
PAIGE: Oh I know you don't mean that.
PIPER: No, really, get off me.
PAIGE: You're such a kidder!
PIPER: STOP F*CKING TOUCHING ME, BITCH!
PIPER SHOVES PAIGE TO THE FLOOR AND STORMS OUT.
CUT TO: GARDEN. THE HOUSEMATES OVERHEARD PIPER SCREAMING AT PAIGE.
PHOEBE: Paige is a lesbium! I knew it!
COLE: And Piper isn't? Well that's my world crashing down.
BB: Will all housemates please assemble in the Big Brother compound.
PHOEBE: But I wanted to look at Cole's cock!
COLE SHOWS PHOEBE SP.
PHOEBE: No, the OTHER one!
COLE: Woo!
CUT TO: THE SITTING AREA. THE HOUSEMATES ALL GET THERE AND SIT DOWN.
PAIGE: Well, good luck I guess.
COLE: Me and Phoebe are going to have sex as soon as this is over.
PRUE: That's taking into account that one of you isn't evicted, Cole?
COLE: Oh pish posh! We're the loveable couple! No one wants us to be apart!
BB: The housemate to be evicted from Big Brother in week five is...
LONG LONG PAUSE.
LONGER.
OKAY, WHY DON'T YOU GUYS SCROLL FOR A BIT?
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COME ON, PUT SOME MUSCLE INTO IT!
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STOP WHINING AND KEEP GOING!
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KEEP GOING...
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LAST ONE THERE LUBBS 'LYSSIE'
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OKAY THAT'S ENOUGH. THAT'S HOW LONG THE PAUSE WAS.
BB: Cole.
COLE: What? No! But me! Phoebe! The sex!
PHOEBE: Yeah - the sex!
ALACK, DEAR VIEWERS, POOR COLE AND PHOEBE DON'T GET THE CHANCE TO HAVE SEX FOR AT THAT MOMENT, A LARGE TUBE EXTENDS FROM THE CEILING AND SUCKS PRUE UP. ALL GASP. THEN IT SPITS PRUE OUT AND SUCKS COLE UP. PRUE FALLS AND LANDS IN ANDY'S LAP.
ANDY: Are you okay Prue?
PRUE: I am now.
THEY MAKE GOOGLY EYES AT EACH OTHER UNTIL THE SILENCE IS BROKEN BY PHOEBE WAILING.
PHOEBE: Oh no my Cole! Who will I have to lesbium up now?
PHOEBE STARTS LESBIUMING ANDY UP. YES WHILE PRUE IS STILL THERE.
ANDY: Ew! Get off me you woolly pink moron!
PHOEBE: Aww...
PHOEBE STARTS LESBIUMING DARRYL UP.
DARRYL: I have a gun and I'm not afraid to use it.
IF POSSIBLE, PHOEBE LOOKS EVEN MORE EXCITED. EW.
DARRYL: Ew! Not in that way you lesbium incest child!
PHOEBE: Aww...
PHOEBE STARTS LESBIUMING LEO UP.
LEO: Ack! Get off me! I'm sickened by the very thought that I'm of the same race as you!
PHOEBE: The woolly pink faloofahs?
LEO SLAPS PHOEBE.
PHOEBE: Aww...
PIPER: Am I sensing a pattern here?
PAIGE: I don't know, but I have the theme tune to M*A*S*H in my head.
ALL SING THE THEME TUNE. GO ON, YOU DO IT TOO. DO DOOO DO DOO DO DO DOOOO DO DOOOO DO DOO DO DOO DOOOOOO. PHOEBE STARTS LESBIUMING THE SOURCE UP.
SOURCE: What the paige! Get off me or I'll stick a lightning bolt up your ass!
PHOEBE: Do you promise?
SOURCE: Aw man! That's sick!
HE PUSHES PHOEBE OFF.
SOURCE: Stay away from me! You're getting lesbium cooties all over my Versace robes!
PHOEBE: Aww...
SILENCE. PHOEBE STARTS LESBIUMING PAIGE UP.
PAIGE: Ooh Phoebe! Never knew you liked me that way!
PAIGE AND PHOEBE RUN OFF TO THE GIRLS' BEDROOM TO... NEVER YOU MIND.
BB: Will all housemates please assemble in front of the television.
PAIGE AND PHOEBE ENTER LOOKING DISAPPOINTED.
PAIGE: Spoil our fun.
PHOEBE: No! I don't want to watch my one true love Cole die!
PAIGE: Hey! You just told me that I was your one true love!
PHOEBE: Well duh. I only said that to get you naked. And we were interrupted, so it wasn't even worth it!
PAIGE CRIES. NOBODY REALLY CARES. SUCH IS LIFE. THE HOUSEMATES SETTLE IN FRONT OF THE TELEVISION.
CUT TO: SCREEN.
* * *
BLACK. THE TITLE OF THE 'MOVIE' COMES UP: "BACK TO THE...".
WE OPEN ON COLE STANDING ALONE IN THE MIDDLE OF A JUNGLE-TYPE SCENARIO.
PIPER(OS): Hey that looks like the garden!
OUT OF NOWHERE BY A MYSTERIOUS HAND, PIPER FINDS HERSELF BEING SLAPPED. BACK TO THE SHOW. SWEAT IS POURING DOWN COLE'S DIRTY, PERVERTED, STUBBLY FACE (PAINT A NICE PICTURE, DON'T I?)
COLE: Um, hello? Look - I have money. I'll give you anything you want. Take Phoebe! I just don't wanna die!
SUDDENLY A TYRANN... A TYRANN... OKAY I'M GONNA HAVE TO LOOK UP THE SPELLING, BE WITH YOU IN A SEC!
*kt goes to look*
WELL WHADDYA KNOW, I SPELT IT RIGHT IN THE FIRST PLACE! A HUGE TYRANNOSAURUS REX BOUNDS OUT FROM BEHIND THE TREES. COLE SCREAMS 'A LITTLE'.
PRUE(OS): A little? How can you scream a little? You either do or you don't. There's no two ways about it!
KT SMIRKS AT STEPH. BUT ENOUGH ABOUT THAT. BACK TO COLE AND THE T-REX.
COLE: Oh, this is no problem. If I was invisible!
COLE RUNS, CLOSELY PURSUED BY MR T, SCREAMING A LITTLE.
COLE: Ahh...hhh...hhh...hhh!
HE GETS CORNERED IN, WELL, A CORNER! HE BACKS UP AGAINST THE WALL AS MR T LEERS AT HIM... LEERINGLY.
COLE: No! I, I'm an ADA! I can sue you all! I'll scream! I'll scream a little!
MR T STOOPS DOWN AND CLAMPS HIS MOUTH SHUT AROUND COLE'S P'IDIUM BODY. COLE IS SCREAMING A LITTLE. LEANING BACK, MR T SHAKES COLE AROUND FOR A FEW MOMENTS (MUCH TO THE HORROR OF THE REST OF THE HOUSEMATES WHO SCREAM A WHOLE LOT MORE THAN A LITTLE) BEFORE TILTING HIS HEAD UPWARDS AND SWALLOWING COLE. ONCE THE DEED IS DONE, MR T STEPS ON THE CAMERA. HOW. RUDE. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT EQUIPMENT COSTS? IT'S NOT CHEAP!
SOURCE(OS): Now that's entertainment.
PAIGE(OS): We just watched one of our friends get killed!
SOURCE(OS): Oh yeah.
THE SCREEN FADES TO BLACK AND THE TITLE, "BACK TO THE..." REAPPEARS BEFORE THE TELEVISION SWITCHES OFF.
* * *
ANDY: Well, at least there was less blood than last time.
DARRYL: I just want to know where the paige they got a whole frickin dinosaur from!
KT: Rather than show disgust at the gore and horror they've just been subjected to, the housemates choose to discuss it almost as if it were a form of entertainment. Psychologists explain this as being the housemates actually hardening to the way they are being treated.
PHOEBE: I'm uh, just going to the diary room.
PHOEBE FLOUNCES OFF.
SOURCE: I liked it. The way he screamed only a little showed real talent that I didn't think he could ever possess.
CUT TO:
INT. DIARY ROOM. PHOEBE ENTERS AND SITS DOWN.
BB: Hello Phoebe.
PHOEBE: Hello Big Brother.
BB: How are you?
PHOEBE: I just watched my only love die. How do you think I am?
BB: Do you wish to talk about it?
PHOEBE STARTS CRYING.
PHOEBE: I know everybody sees me as being shallow and inconsiderate, but I really think I was in love with Cole. And now he's gone, and I actually have to start caring about how other people think! Because if people don't like me, that could end up in me getting killed!
PAUSE.
BB: Well, Phoebe, everybody has their hard luck story to tell.
PHOEBE: Big Brother!
BB: They just don't make it as vocal as you! Now quit whining and get out there and entertain the masses! That's what you do best!
PHOEBE: Really? People think I'm entertaining?
BB: Um... I never said that.
PHOEBE: *squeals* Oh thank you Big Brother! You always know exactly what to say!
PHOEBE SKIPS UP AND KISSES THE CAMERA, AND EXITS.
BB: *throws up*
I NEVER THOUGHT IT WAS POSSIBLE FOR A CAMERA TO THROW UP UNTIL NOW. NOT A PRETTY SIGHT.
CUT TO:
KT: Day... um day seventy one. The housemates get prepared for making their nominations.
THE HOUSEMATES ARE IN THE KITCHEN, MAKING A JOINT EFFORT AT COOKING.
PIPER: So... who wouldn't mind dying?
SILENCE.
DARRYL: You're trying to see who you're going to nominate, huh?
PIPER: Just a little bit. So... would anybody actually MIND if they got evicted next week?
PAIGE: Uh, Piper, I'm sorry, but I don't think anybody wants to die, you freak-faced idium!
PIPER STARES AT PAIGE.
PRUE: Guys, come on, calm down. This is tough on us all, let's not fight. Let's play a game!
SOURCE: How about "Who Can Handle Sticking Their Hand In A Pot Of Boiling Water The Longest"? I'll be judge!
PHOEBE: Sounds great! Me first!
PHOEBE IS ABOUT TO STICK HER HAND IN A BOILING POT OF WATER WHEN:
BB: Will Andy please come to the diary room?
SOURCE: Curses!
CUT TO: DIARY ROOM. ANDY ENTERS.
ANDY: Hello Big Brother.
BB: Hello Andy. Please state your nominations.
ANDY: Well, honestly, it was gonna be Piper this time because quite frankly she's been a total bitch. But you know recently she's shown a real turnaround, and I actually quite like her! So... not Piper.
ANDY GETS SLAPPED.
BB: Please state who you would like to be evicted from the Big Brother compound, not who you wish to stay. IDIUM!
ANDY: Oh right, sorry. My first choice is The Source because um, 'nice' as he is, he's really quiet and I don't seem to get along with him all that well. Also Paige because we don't really have anything in common except our undying love of strawberry flavoured milk, but I don't think that's really enough to base an entire friendship on.
TIME LAPSE: DARRYL IS NOMINATING.
DARRYL: Let's think. I'm going with Phoebe, just to put her out of her misery in more ways than one. She's really cut up about Cole getting axed. And, uh, also Leo, because his face looks more like an apple every time I look at it. And I can't handle it!
TIME LAPSE: LEO IS NOMINATING.
LEO: Paige, because she keeps screwing stuff up then coming to me for help, and it's totally getting to me! It's like she has a crush on me or something. Anyway, and also Darryl because he's giving me bad vibes about the shape of my head, which I'm very sensitive about.
TIME LAPSE: PAIGE IS NOMINATING.
PAIGE: Uh... Phoebe, because yeah, Cole died and it's all very sad for her, but I still can't stand the runt! Also Piper, because I think her niceness is just an act. Either that or I'm trying to get rid of my main competition!
TIME LAPSE: PHOEBE IS NOMINATING.
PHOEBE: Hello Big Brother.
BB: Hello Phoebe. Please give your nominations coupled with a reason why-
PHOEBE: Coupled?
PHOEBE STARTS CRYING.
PHOEBE: Oh AP Cole! I was in a couple with him! And I loved him so much!
BB: Yes, it's all very sad. Now. Nominations.
PHOEBE: Paige and Prue, because I know they always despised me and Cole's affair, secretly of course, but they did! I hate them both!
BB: Thank you Phoebe.
PHOEBE: I mean, couldn't they just leave us alone? All we wanted to do was be a happy, normal, fornicating couple but could they be happy for us? Heck no! They had to nominate for Cole and ruin my life! Sure I don't KNOW they nominated for Cole, but I don't care enough to actually find out the facts! All I wanted was to have sex with Cole and...
TIME LAPSE.
PHOEBE: ... spoil our happiness, didn't they? They're clearly jealous of me and my good looks, I know I'm totally gorgeous so I try not to flaunt it too much in front of other people cos sometimes that creates and environment of hostility which really isn't good for my complexion, and another thing, they never seemed to...
TIME LAPSE.
PHOEBE: ... which I think is spawned from the psychology behind the matter: they couldn't hack anybody else being happy if it meant they were left in the dark with no attention. Really it's quite simple actually. I just can't get over the pathetic childishness of their actions, I mean, they're total babies and really I think it's all about...
TIME LAPSE.
PHOEBE: ... miss him so much which obviously makes Paige and Prue happy which really in a way sickens me! What kind of people get pleasure from others' misery? From death, violence and hurt? The type of people that watch this show? They get some sort of sadistic pleasure out of my pain, and that disgusts me! How many other lives must we...
TIME LAPSE.
PHOEBE: ... bottom line! And you know what else really gets me? The way Paige flosses. She's always so careless and doesn't care where she puts her trash, once I found one of her lipsticks on my bed with the lid off - the lid off you hear me? And then I realised it was mine, but hello? Not the point! The point is that I just KNOW that Paige would be heartless enough to do such a thing and really all she ever does is jump to conclusions about other people and Prue! Don't even get me started about Prue! Well, to start with, all she ever does is smirk away with that self-satisfied sarcastic thing she has going on there...
TIME LAPSE.
PHOEBE: ... and I bet it doesn't even look that good! What the paige would anyone think if Prue walked in wearing a-
CUT TO:
KITCHEN. THE HOUSEMATES ARE SITTING AT THE TABLE EATING DINNER.
PRUE: Phoebe's been gone for like three hours. Do you think I should go check if she's okay?
CUT BACK TO:
DIARY ROOM. PHOEBE IS STILL RANTING.
PHOEBE: ... absolutely NO consideration for others whatsoever!
THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR.
PHOEBE: *sugar sweet* Yes?
PRUE(OS): Phoebe? Your dinner's cold.
PHOEBE: Oh, never mind, I'm kinda busy right now, but I'll get it later.
PRUE(OS): Okay. I'll put it in the oven to warm it up for you, okay?
PHOEBE: You got it! Thanks!
PHOEBE TURNS BACK TO THE CAMERA.
PHOEBE: See what I mean? Totally self-centred. That's the main thing that gets me about Prue - she...
CUT TO: LIVING AREA. THE HOUSEMATES SIT AND LAZE ABOUT.
SOURCE: I want to nominate!
ANDY: Phoebe's been gone for well over five hours now!
PRUE: Guess she needed to vent a little. After all, her one true love DID just bite the big one.
PAIGE: Oh who cares? He was Cole! It's not like anybody liked him!
PIPER: Condescending much Paige? You could try to be a little more respectful.
PAIGE: It was Cole! He was bad news!
PRUE: Be that as it may, I still think we should try to support Phoebe. Like her as we may not.
DARRYL: Yeah, she's probably out next weeks anyway, may as well make it nice. I guess.
PHOEBE FINALLY ENTERS.
ANDY: Phoebe, are you okay?
PHOEBE: Yeah... I just needed to talk about me for once.
PRUE: Cos you never do that...
PHOEBE GLARES AT PRUE, WHO DOESN'T NOTICE.
BB: Will Piper please come to the diary room?
WITH A GRUNT, PIPER GETS UP.
PHOEBE: So. Were you guys talking about me?
CUT TO: DIARY ROOM. PIPER ENTERS.
PIPER: I won't bother sitting down. I'm too stiff. Um, I'm going with Phoebe because I kinda feel sorry for her. Oh, and I hate her. And also Paige, cos bleh! She tried to lesbium me up earlier on in the week!
TIME LAPSE: PRUE IS NOMINATING.
PRUE: I'll go with Phoebe because like her as much as I don't, I kinda... wait, that was my reason - I don't like her. Also, she's miserable just now. She should be dead, and with Cole! Secondly I'm picking Paige, because I get these really ooky vibes from her like she wants me dead so she can take my place. Only AP knows where THEY'RE coming from but ya know, trust your instincts and all.
TIME LAPSE: THE SOURCE IS NOMINATING.
SOURCE: Leo, because he's a goody good bastard, and also Paige because I'M the evil one around here, and she shouldn't be allowed to make such nasty comments when it's MY job! I'll flame her! I'll flame her good!
BB: Thank you, Source.
SOURCE: It's THE Source! I'll flame you too! I'll flame you good!
BB: Pardon me - thank you The Source.
SOURCE: Yeah bizatch.
THE SOURCE EXITS.
CUT TO: LIVING AREA. THE SOURCE JOINS EVERYBODY ELSE ON THE COUCHES. NOW EXCUSE ME WHILE I DO SOME COUNTING.
OH DEAR ASTRAL PRUE. I AM TOTALLY NOT KIDDING, THE ENTIRE THING TOOK ME ABOUT TEN MINUTES. YOU SEE, I HAVE THIS TABLE I PUT ALL THE NUMBERS ON THEN I HAVE TO CALCULATE AND DOUBLE CHECK AND... YEAH OKAY, EXCUSES, EXCUSES. HERE ARE THE RESULTS:
BB: The nominations have been counted.
THE HOUSEMATES ALL BE NERVOUS. AWWW. PHOEBE IS LESBIUMING EVERYBODY UP IN HER HEIGHTENED STATE.
PHOEBE: I voted for Prue and Paige.
PRUE AND PAIGE GLARE.
BB: The housemates up for eviction in week six of Charmeded Big Brother-
ALL: Charmeded?
BB: Um... in Big Brother are...
PAUSE.
I'D GET YOU TO SCROLL MORE BUT THAT INVOLVES EFFORT ON MY PART AS WELL AS YOURS SO MEH.
BB: Paige.
PAIGE: Again?
BB: And.
PAIGE: Aw man this sucks! I thought you guys liked me!
BB: Phoebe.
PHOEBE: What? Haven't I gone through enough?
PAIGE: Shh! It's gonna say whoever's next.
SILENCE.
PRUE: Sorry Paige. Looks like it's just you and whorebe.
PAIGE GLARES AT PHOEBE, WHO IS SUCKING ON A CUSHION.
PAIGE: Easy.
ANDY: May the best freak win!
ROLL CREDITS.
KT: Well folks, in case your interested, here are the rest of the nominations, just because it took me so long to tot them all up. Paige was by far the most 'popular' choice this week, receiving nominations from over half the housemates with 6 voted. She is followed by Phoebe with a one-more-than-last-week four votes. Leo received two nominations while Darryl, Piper, Prue and The Source had one each. For the first week ever, Andy got no nominations.
Now here's the hard part:
Who stays and who goes?
PAIGE
or
PHOEBE
You decide.
A/N: WOAH! I just copied and pasted this onto a Word document and Oh My Sweet Sweet Astral Prue! It's 13 paiges long!!!! That ain't right.