New Horizons: Chapter Twenty-Two
By Annie
05-11-2002
The tears were running out, she felt. But the quivering sobs kept sounding out of her throat anyway.
"Buffy?"
The sound of Sarah's voice came sailing at her from a far and at first she didn't pick up on it. Then, there it was again and she slowly raised her head, her eyes dimly recognizing the figure in front of her.
"Lord, what happened?!" Sarah exclaimed, getting down on her knees next to her friend. "It wasn't lord Hart who.?"
That made Buffy receive a fresh supply of tears and they filled her eyes and drenched her already soaked cheeks some more as she shook her head.
Sarah looked slightly confused as she took a hold of Buffy and helped her to her feet, the latter leaning gratefully against her as she made her way down the hallway and opened the first door that was unlocked. It wasn't the same room Spike and Buffy had been in and Buffy felt thankful for that as she sunk down on the bed.
"God, Sarah, everything is so screwed up," she sobbed, hiding her face in her hands and slowly shaking her head.
"What happened?" Sarah asked as she turned the knob of the lamp to Buffy's right, filling the room with light, her worried tone making Buffy cringe.
I used him again, that's what happened. And then I turned my back on him AGAIN the moment I realized the mistake.
These thoughts made her cry harder as she remembered the expressions his face had gone through in the matter of a few moments.
She felt the mattress of the bed buckle a little as Sarah sat down beside her, and then her friends hand on her shoulder, comfortingly.
I don't deserve it, she thought in her head. I don't deserve it!
She got to her feet, trying to take calming breaths to make the flood stop. Soon enough she managed to control the sobs and she blinked away the last of her tears, staring blankly in front of her.
"I didn't mean for it to happen the way it did," she mumbled, Sarah quietly waiting for her to elaborate. "I'd just missed him so badly. I just miss him sometimes."
Sarah now got to her feet, walking over to her and handing over a handker- chief. Buffy took it and blew her nose.
"I know, Buffy," Sarah said. "And he misses you."
'I've missed you.'
Buffy winced at the words of what he had whispered, his lips still on hers. She closed her eyes.
"But I don't love him," Buffy said, now turning to Sarah. "I can't keep doing that to him."
Sarah smiled a little at that.
"Why can't you keep doing it to him?"
"Because. Because I don't love him," Buffy repeated, a little confused by the question.
"And he's not evil, as you have concluded, and so you can't do that to him because of that, is that what you mean?"
"No," Buffy said. "No, that's not at all what I mean. I mean, even if he didn't have some good in him I couldn't do that to him because it would just not be.be ethical."
Sarah raised her eyebrows a little at that.
"Okay," Sarah said slowly. "So the sole reason for you not being able to. well, do what you do, is because it wouldn't be ethical."
Buffy nodded, trying hard to fight off the tears threatening to make an encore.
"And," she started but trailed off, walking up to the tall window of the room and looking out she sighed a little. "I can't stand what I'm doing to him." she mumbled.
"What did you say?" Sarah asked and Buffy turned to her.
"I said that what it's doing to him. I can't stand it!" she murmured, the tears rising in her eyes despite her efforts to hold them back.
Sarah walked up to her.
"My dear," she said silently. "What is it doing to him?"
"It's.it's killing him," Buffy answered silently, the tears spilling over and running down her cheeks.
"Why is it killing him?" Sarah asked now and Buffy swallowed, shaking her head slowly.
"I.I don't know," she mumbled but Sarah took a hold of her shoulders, making her look into her eyes.
"Why are you crying over it if you don't know the reason for it?" she asked and Buffy wanted to pull away, get away from this lady who kept pushing her in directions she couldn't deal with going right now.
"Why is it killing him, Buffy?" Sarah demanded to know again.
Buffy looked down and then mumbled between trembling lips:
"Because. he loves me."
***
God, all the heartbeats that were surrounding him were sounding off in his head, making it almost seem like they were a part of him.
Soon enough, he thought, a smile curling his lips as he made his way in through the large glass doors that led out from the grand hall and onto the terrace.
He could hear the sound of blood making its way through each and every one of the bodies around him and never had the sound been sweeter, more alluring, more forthright. It was perfect.
He took his time, eyeing the blood banks carefully, not willing to rush it no matter how starved he was.
The thought of actually sinking his teeth through human flesh again almost made his mind foggy, it had been so long.
Too long, his mind stated.
The duster had gotten more than one side glare from the male guests but he couldn't care less, now he was in his true form and there wasn't one pair of eyes belonging with the face of a woman, young or old, that wasn't turned to him.
He looked up and met a pair of violet blues; they were round with sudden embarrassment that they had been caught in his but unable to look away.
Bingo, jackpot and whatever the hell you wanna call it, his mind growled as he made his way towards his chosen victim.
He smiled at her, taking her hand and running his lips lightly over her fingers.
"Come with me," he whispered and she didn't take her eyes off his for a moment as he unnoticed led her to the doors through which he a little earlier had stepped.
***
Buffy drew a deep breath of the fresh night air, trying to clear her head.
How long had she really known that he.loved her? She felt all strange at the thought of it. All the times he had said it, all the times he had screamed it at her in frustration and rage and disbelief with himself. And she had been so.cold.
She had been so cruel to him for so long.
She shook her head, wrapping her arms around her as she stepped off the terrace and started walking down the lawn that was stretching out before her eyes.
Small patches of trees stood here and there, and beyond it was a large wood. The orchard, where she was supposed to meet the lord in less than fifteen minutes, was located to her left, on the side of the house.
Her mind wandered back to Spike. She sighed, rubbing her eyes. How much crueler wouldn't her words be now? Confessing to him that she believed his feelings were real.it still felt strange to think it. and then having to look him in the eye and tell him that she couldn't return them, and that he KNEW that already, and that she just hoped that he hadn't been thinking that the fact of her coming to terms with how he felt about her would have any impact on that.
She kept walking.
She didn't care if she was late for her meeting with the lord since Sarah had said that she would try to keep him as occupied as possible for at least half an hour.
"He can't very well excuse himself, he doesn't have a reason for it," Sarah had said with a smile as she walked Buffy to the doors leading outside. "I don't very well believe that he would state his true reason for wanting to leave," she had added with a wink and Buffy had smiled weakly at her, nodding her thanks.
Now she turned her eyes to the sky, the stars twinkling above her as though nothing affected them, which she supposed nothing did, made her feel even more helpless.
The look on his face. God, it had scared her so badly. He had looked truly dead, all the life just gone from his eyes.
"Did I take it away from you?" she mumbled and then she suddenly saw a glimpse of something that made her freeze.
Couldn't have been!
She realized she was at the edge of one of the collections of trees, and she could have sworn she had seen. But no, it COULDN'T have been!
Then there it was again. The moonlight reflecting off of it clearly this time, and she could even catch a glimpse of the bleached hair.
What the hell was he doing in his trench coat? He had left it at.
Then there was a soft giggle of a woman's voice and Buffy felt her heart start to race as her eyes grew larger. She hesitated but a moment before gathering up the skirt of her dress and silently making her way towards the sound.
She was wrong. She was sure she was wrong. The Slayer part of her not so sure, reached out a hand and picked up a thick broken off branch, one of its ends looking dangerously sharp, her hand closed tightly around it. She drew a shaky breath before continuing and then she saw them.
The young woman was leaning against a tree and Spike was whispering something to her, Buffy could see his lips move as he let his index finger run along the side of her neck, brushing away the dark locks and baring her throat.
But, it wasn't possible! He couldn't do that anymore, the chip.
Buffy stood paralyzed; the branch was starting to feel heavier than anything she had ever held in her entire life.
He was in his human face, he wasn't going to.
And then, just like that, he went into game face.
Buffy's eyes widened even more and she drew a breath in surprise. The shock that washed over her was numbing as Spike slowly moved his head down towards the lady's throat.
***
His mind was clouded with the scent of blood, the hunger ripping inside of him; the need to feel his fangs cut the flesh was raging as he was closing in on the goal.
And then, there was something else.
A small shake somewhere inside of him, somewhere so deep down that he had never felt anything like it.
And then, memories.
Memories of Buffy screaming at him, hitting him, kicking him, fighting him, challenging him with every part of herself, making him fall in love with her.
Memories of Buffy talking to him, crying at his side, telling him feelings she hadn't told anyone, confiding in him all the burdens that she refused to acknowledge were too heavy for her to carry all by herself.
Memories of her mouth, demanding and sure of itself against his own, her warm hands against his cool skin, exploring him, her body fitting into his as he made her scream and moan and sigh with pleasure.
'What makes a man a man?'
'The people who care for him.if they can look up to him, if they can trust him.'
He closed his eyes for a moment, then shook his head.
"Bloody hell," he mumbled, pulling his head back and switching face again. "Leave," he said to the girl and she opened her eyes, the confusion in them almost making him want to shake her. "Leave," he repeated in a low voice and she stared at him in bewilderment before seeing the sudden danger in his eyes.
Her eyes widened and she scrambled away from him, turning around and running fast through the trees.
Spike drew a breath.
"I didn't just do that," he grumbled, his stomach twitching with hunger, and then he was knocked to the ground by something heavy landing on him.
"Buffy!" he screamed as he immediately recognized her scent. "Get OFF!" he added turning around from how he had landed, on his stomach, and pushing her hard, making her fly off him.
Buffy got to her feet as he stood as well and she stared at him, her eyes hard.
"Oh, I see," he said in his ever so taunting voice. "You just witnessed the re-emerging of the good old vamp, eh?" he added, unable to stop himself or the anger with her stupid, relentless blindness starting to boil again. "I must say, love, you don't seem to take the show to heart."
He wanted to piss her off, make her as boiling inside as he was, and it worked.
She lunged at him with a growl, raising the hand holding the branch. He grabbed a hold of her wrist, put his right hand on her waste and pushed her away again.
"Or maybe you're taking it too MUCH to heart," he said with a smirk as she regained her balance, her breathing hard and her eyes large as she stared at him with disgust and disbelief. "How about that, Slayer, chip isn't working and earlier you almost slept with that killer you just saw."
He laughed a low laugh, putting on his game face again.
She was still staring at him, her thoughts on a rampage through her brain; the chip wasn't working, how long had he known?
Oh God, this cannot be happening!
"You let her go," she said. "Why did you let her go?"
He tilted his head and this movement done with his vamp face on almost made her want to cry again.
"What do you think, Slayer?" he asked, slowly licking his lips and smiling a devilish smile. "Because any given day, if I have to choose between you and some little girl who doesn't even know what my true nature is, I choose you, Slayer. All the more excitement, all the more pleasure."
She felt rage start to burn in her and she took a harder hold on the branch in her hand.
"Let's do this, then," she said and the smile faded, his eyes looking at her with such a sudden disdain that she could hardly breathe.
"Yes, it's long over due, wouldn't you say?" he asked coldly as they slowly started circling each other in the small clearing.
She made the first move, taking three steps quickly forward and kicking out her leg hard.
The dress was awkward to move in, but had she fought in snug skirts, she could surely fight in layers of fabric too, and soon enough, yes, the concentration took over entirely.
He threw his arms out, averting her blow and making her fall to the ground hard enough to make her huff. She rolled around and got to her feet, turning to him just as he lunged at her with the skill he had acquired after a century of fighting.
She saw it coming and spun around, making him miss her and once more kicking her leg out and hitting him on the small of his back.
He growled with surprise as he hit the trunk of a tree headfirst, then turned to her and she was on him, grabbed him by the throat and shoved him up against the trunk.
He laughed at her, mocked her as he lifted both feet, placing them on her stomach and kicking her away, sending her flying again.
She dropped the branch as she hit the ground, a sharp pain running up and down her right shoulder which made her let hear a cry of anger.
She got to her feet, looking for her weapon, and then his hands lifted her over his head and threw her as if she was nothing but a bag of bones.
She landed in a patch of under bush and before she could get her head straight he was on her, his hands grabbing her wrists and pulling them over her head, keeping her down with his body weight he stared into her face with his yellow eyes and growled:
"Say hello to the dark side of me."
She threw her legs up and wrapped them around his waste, his eyes looking surprised before she put her face up and said:
"I think I'll say good-bye instead."
Then she used all her force and swiftly sat up, her legs bearing down on his hips pulling him off her. She tangled herself loose from him and got to her feet, throwing herself forward as her eyes locked on the branch. She felt her hands close around it as he was on her again.
She struggled away from him, kicking out and hitting him in the stomach she scrambled to her feet, the branch in a tight grip in her right hand she watched him get up as well.
"God, how I hate you right now," he screamed at her, the force in his voice making her take a step back in surprise. "It's all you fault, all of this is your bloody fault!"
She stared at him.
"What the HELL are you talking about," she yelled at him, exhausted.
"Dammit, Buffy, why did I ever come to Sunnydale?" he now grumbled, turning around and walking away from her, then changing his mind and turning back.
"Well, first there was."
"Rhetorical, thank you very much," he interrupted her, his gaze first on her face and then at the stake looking branch in her hand.
She sighed, her hand still stubbornly holding on to it.
"If the chip isn't working why did you let that girl go?" she asked again and he raised his eyebrows.
"Being a bit of the broken record now, Slayer," he said. "Already asked that."
She smiled condescendingly.
"The answer wasn't good enough," she stated. "I don't think you would have let her live just like that. So why did you?"
Now he stared at her and his face went from game to human.
"What the hell do you think?" he raised his voice at her again. "You know how I bloody well feel about you and I can't. Dammit, I can't go back to what I was before."
She clenched her jaws together, shaking her head a little. The turmoil of feelings in her chest not being able to stop her from what she felt she had to say:
"I know," she said and his eyes grew wide in disbelief at that statement.
"You what?" he asked and she could hear the sudden sarcasm in his voice.
"I.I've realized a lot of things since we came here, Spike," she said. "I know you love me, I don't know. I can't believe that I didn't see it. Or didn't want to see it. Or, that I couldn't believe in it." She drew a breath. "What I want to say is that you have to let it go, Spike. You HAVE to move on. I'm sorry, but I can't."
"Don't.apologize to me!" he yelled, moving so fast that she could hardly blink before he grabbed both her wrists again, forcing the one holding the stake to rise until he had it at eyelevel.
He stared at it with a sudden fascination that she couldn't interpret and then he asked in a low voice:
"So, you were going to kill the beast with a stick?"
She felt her mouth dry up, her throat became a knot and her heart was practically breaking. What was he doing? Then he smiled a little and switched back into game face again.
"Isn't that the irony of it all?" he asked as he turned his eyes into hers. "Immortality with no light, no compassion, no love and then death with a stick through your heart."
He huffed as he let her go, taking a step back.
"If you don't do it now, Slayer, I can swear to you that I'll kill a thousand people and make the scream of your name be the last thing to ever cross their lips," he said, voice still lowered and she stared at him, her eyes growing.
"What?" she asked, her blood rushing through her veins, her nerves ready to break and her thoughts for some reason standing still in her head.
She didn't understand.
"Do it now," he said, a glance at her hand still raised, holding her weapon.
She swallowed hard, slowly shaking her head. Uncomprehending.
"Kill me," he stated and she felt her brow slowly furrowing.
Then she almost laughed, but the look in his eyes made it vapor even before it reached her throat. He was deadly serious.
"Do it now!" he suddenly exclaimed, taking a step forward and grabbing her, pushing her down hard.
She hit the ground with something that was close to a sob and then she looked up at him, his eyes were burning with anger and resentment and something close to disappointment.
What is he doing? her head cried. What is he doing?
Then he was on her again, and her Slayer instincts took over as she put a foot up and got him off her. He fell on his back and she was on him, straddling him and putting her left hand on his chest to hold him down while she raised her right hand.
'If you don't do it now, Slayer, I swear to you that I'll kill a thousand people.'
The words kept ringing in her head, until she suddenly realized exactly how false the sound of them were.
She looked down on him, frowning again.
"So you let two people go, you let them GO, and you BLAME it on me. And then you say that you're going to kill in MY name?" she asked and he stared at her, slightly annoyed.
She realized something else; he wasn't fighting to get loose.
"Dammit, Spike!" she cried, throwing the branch to the side and getting off him. "What the hell are you doing?"
He looked away, aggravated.
"What the hell do you care?" he asked her, stripping his game face off and looking at her with such a deep pain in his now blue eyes that she stared at him for a moment before suddenly feeling more angry with him than she ever had.
"What the hell do I CARE?" she yelled at him as she got off her knees and to her feet. "Oh, I don't know, probably not at all since I can see that stake through you right now!"
"Branch, love," he corrected as he slowly got up as well.
"Shut the hell up," she said, shaking her head. "You were actually gonna let me stake you."
'It's killing him.'
"God damn it, Buffy, YES, okay? I'm having a pretty lousy night tonight and I saw a good way out of it," he grumbled. "First you, and then the whole indecision part when it comes to myself, which seems to be all made up now, bloody hell, and then the whole 'get over it' thing, what the hell WAS that? I have TRIED, and I CAN'T, okay? STOP bloody ASKING me to move on, I CAN'T!"
She looked away, crossing her arms over her chest and trying to think.
"You said two," he suddenly mumbled and she looked back at him.
"What?" she asked and he sighed.
"Back when you suddenly changed your mind about killing me, you said that I let two people go, but there was only the one," he elaborated.
"Yes, HERE. But then there is that small fact of that man, Jonathan something, from the paper," she said, "I don't think there are two vamps walking around London who suddenly decides to let their victims go, do you?"
He looked away and she knew immediately that she was right. She shook her head a little. Unbelievable. That this was happening was just unbelievable.
Then he suddenly looked so defeated, his shoulders slumping and his head slightly hanging, she had never seen him look so vulnerable, not even when he confessed his love for her.
God, that's so long ago, she now thought, not sure if she should approach him.
"Spike," she mumbled. "We need your help on this thing, we're dealing with something big here and I don't think we can do it without you. Please, don't loose it."
She could see that he was smiling a little, his head still bent down.
"Too late," he mumbled and then shrugged, looking up again. "Does ANY of this make any sense to you?" he asked, and she looked at him with arms that were aching to hold him, to brush the pain away from his eyes with gentle caresses and make him all better, she wanted him all better.
But she couldn't do that; she knew her arms would weigh too heavily on his shoulders since she didn't return his love.his LOVE; that thought was still almost too big to comprehend.
God, for a moment she had really thought he was lost to her. And still, the thought of having to drive that branch through his chest had almost made her feel sick. She wondered silently if she even would have been able to.
She remembered his question and shook her head slowly.
"No," she mumbled, not sure what he meant but thinking of the feelings he stirred up in her whenever he touched her briefly and always, always when he looked at her she added: "Nothing of it ever really does."
By Annie
05-11-2002
The tears were running out, she felt. But the quivering sobs kept sounding out of her throat anyway.
"Buffy?"
The sound of Sarah's voice came sailing at her from a far and at first she didn't pick up on it. Then, there it was again and she slowly raised her head, her eyes dimly recognizing the figure in front of her.
"Lord, what happened?!" Sarah exclaimed, getting down on her knees next to her friend. "It wasn't lord Hart who.?"
That made Buffy receive a fresh supply of tears and they filled her eyes and drenched her already soaked cheeks some more as she shook her head.
Sarah looked slightly confused as she took a hold of Buffy and helped her to her feet, the latter leaning gratefully against her as she made her way down the hallway and opened the first door that was unlocked. It wasn't the same room Spike and Buffy had been in and Buffy felt thankful for that as she sunk down on the bed.
"God, Sarah, everything is so screwed up," she sobbed, hiding her face in her hands and slowly shaking her head.
"What happened?" Sarah asked as she turned the knob of the lamp to Buffy's right, filling the room with light, her worried tone making Buffy cringe.
I used him again, that's what happened. And then I turned my back on him AGAIN the moment I realized the mistake.
These thoughts made her cry harder as she remembered the expressions his face had gone through in the matter of a few moments.
She felt the mattress of the bed buckle a little as Sarah sat down beside her, and then her friends hand on her shoulder, comfortingly.
I don't deserve it, she thought in her head. I don't deserve it!
She got to her feet, trying to take calming breaths to make the flood stop. Soon enough she managed to control the sobs and she blinked away the last of her tears, staring blankly in front of her.
"I didn't mean for it to happen the way it did," she mumbled, Sarah quietly waiting for her to elaborate. "I'd just missed him so badly. I just miss him sometimes."
Sarah now got to her feet, walking over to her and handing over a handker- chief. Buffy took it and blew her nose.
"I know, Buffy," Sarah said. "And he misses you."
'I've missed you.'
Buffy winced at the words of what he had whispered, his lips still on hers. She closed her eyes.
"But I don't love him," Buffy said, now turning to Sarah. "I can't keep doing that to him."
Sarah smiled a little at that.
"Why can't you keep doing it to him?"
"Because. Because I don't love him," Buffy repeated, a little confused by the question.
"And he's not evil, as you have concluded, and so you can't do that to him because of that, is that what you mean?"
"No," Buffy said. "No, that's not at all what I mean. I mean, even if he didn't have some good in him I couldn't do that to him because it would just not be.be ethical."
Sarah raised her eyebrows a little at that.
"Okay," Sarah said slowly. "So the sole reason for you not being able to. well, do what you do, is because it wouldn't be ethical."
Buffy nodded, trying hard to fight off the tears threatening to make an encore.
"And," she started but trailed off, walking up to the tall window of the room and looking out she sighed a little. "I can't stand what I'm doing to him." she mumbled.
"What did you say?" Sarah asked and Buffy turned to her.
"I said that what it's doing to him. I can't stand it!" she murmured, the tears rising in her eyes despite her efforts to hold them back.
Sarah walked up to her.
"My dear," she said silently. "What is it doing to him?"
"It's.it's killing him," Buffy answered silently, the tears spilling over and running down her cheeks.
"Why is it killing him?" Sarah asked now and Buffy swallowed, shaking her head slowly.
"I.I don't know," she mumbled but Sarah took a hold of her shoulders, making her look into her eyes.
"Why are you crying over it if you don't know the reason for it?" she asked and Buffy wanted to pull away, get away from this lady who kept pushing her in directions she couldn't deal with going right now.
"Why is it killing him, Buffy?" Sarah demanded to know again.
Buffy looked down and then mumbled between trembling lips:
"Because. he loves me."
***
God, all the heartbeats that were surrounding him were sounding off in his head, making it almost seem like they were a part of him.
Soon enough, he thought, a smile curling his lips as he made his way in through the large glass doors that led out from the grand hall and onto the terrace.
He could hear the sound of blood making its way through each and every one of the bodies around him and never had the sound been sweeter, more alluring, more forthright. It was perfect.
He took his time, eyeing the blood banks carefully, not willing to rush it no matter how starved he was.
The thought of actually sinking his teeth through human flesh again almost made his mind foggy, it had been so long.
Too long, his mind stated.
The duster had gotten more than one side glare from the male guests but he couldn't care less, now he was in his true form and there wasn't one pair of eyes belonging with the face of a woman, young or old, that wasn't turned to him.
He looked up and met a pair of violet blues; they were round with sudden embarrassment that they had been caught in his but unable to look away.
Bingo, jackpot and whatever the hell you wanna call it, his mind growled as he made his way towards his chosen victim.
He smiled at her, taking her hand and running his lips lightly over her fingers.
"Come with me," he whispered and she didn't take her eyes off his for a moment as he unnoticed led her to the doors through which he a little earlier had stepped.
***
Buffy drew a deep breath of the fresh night air, trying to clear her head.
How long had she really known that he.loved her? She felt all strange at the thought of it. All the times he had said it, all the times he had screamed it at her in frustration and rage and disbelief with himself. And she had been so.cold.
She had been so cruel to him for so long.
She shook her head, wrapping her arms around her as she stepped off the terrace and started walking down the lawn that was stretching out before her eyes.
Small patches of trees stood here and there, and beyond it was a large wood. The orchard, where she was supposed to meet the lord in less than fifteen minutes, was located to her left, on the side of the house.
Her mind wandered back to Spike. She sighed, rubbing her eyes. How much crueler wouldn't her words be now? Confessing to him that she believed his feelings were real.it still felt strange to think it. and then having to look him in the eye and tell him that she couldn't return them, and that he KNEW that already, and that she just hoped that he hadn't been thinking that the fact of her coming to terms with how he felt about her would have any impact on that.
She kept walking.
She didn't care if she was late for her meeting with the lord since Sarah had said that she would try to keep him as occupied as possible for at least half an hour.
"He can't very well excuse himself, he doesn't have a reason for it," Sarah had said with a smile as she walked Buffy to the doors leading outside. "I don't very well believe that he would state his true reason for wanting to leave," she had added with a wink and Buffy had smiled weakly at her, nodding her thanks.
Now she turned her eyes to the sky, the stars twinkling above her as though nothing affected them, which she supposed nothing did, made her feel even more helpless.
The look on his face. God, it had scared her so badly. He had looked truly dead, all the life just gone from his eyes.
"Did I take it away from you?" she mumbled and then she suddenly saw a glimpse of something that made her freeze.
Couldn't have been!
She realized she was at the edge of one of the collections of trees, and she could have sworn she had seen. But no, it COULDN'T have been!
Then there it was again. The moonlight reflecting off of it clearly this time, and she could even catch a glimpse of the bleached hair.
What the hell was he doing in his trench coat? He had left it at.
Then there was a soft giggle of a woman's voice and Buffy felt her heart start to race as her eyes grew larger. She hesitated but a moment before gathering up the skirt of her dress and silently making her way towards the sound.
She was wrong. She was sure she was wrong. The Slayer part of her not so sure, reached out a hand and picked up a thick broken off branch, one of its ends looking dangerously sharp, her hand closed tightly around it. She drew a shaky breath before continuing and then she saw them.
The young woman was leaning against a tree and Spike was whispering something to her, Buffy could see his lips move as he let his index finger run along the side of her neck, brushing away the dark locks and baring her throat.
But, it wasn't possible! He couldn't do that anymore, the chip.
Buffy stood paralyzed; the branch was starting to feel heavier than anything she had ever held in her entire life.
He was in his human face, he wasn't going to.
And then, just like that, he went into game face.
Buffy's eyes widened even more and she drew a breath in surprise. The shock that washed over her was numbing as Spike slowly moved his head down towards the lady's throat.
***
His mind was clouded with the scent of blood, the hunger ripping inside of him; the need to feel his fangs cut the flesh was raging as he was closing in on the goal.
And then, there was something else.
A small shake somewhere inside of him, somewhere so deep down that he had never felt anything like it.
And then, memories.
Memories of Buffy screaming at him, hitting him, kicking him, fighting him, challenging him with every part of herself, making him fall in love with her.
Memories of Buffy talking to him, crying at his side, telling him feelings she hadn't told anyone, confiding in him all the burdens that she refused to acknowledge were too heavy for her to carry all by herself.
Memories of her mouth, demanding and sure of itself against his own, her warm hands against his cool skin, exploring him, her body fitting into his as he made her scream and moan and sigh with pleasure.
'What makes a man a man?'
'The people who care for him.if they can look up to him, if they can trust him.'
He closed his eyes for a moment, then shook his head.
"Bloody hell," he mumbled, pulling his head back and switching face again. "Leave," he said to the girl and she opened her eyes, the confusion in them almost making him want to shake her. "Leave," he repeated in a low voice and she stared at him in bewilderment before seeing the sudden danger in his eyes.
Her eyes widened and she scrambled away from him, turning around and running fast through the trees.
Spike drew a breath.
"I didn't just do that," he grumbled, his stomach twitching with hunger, and then he was knocked to the ground by something heavy landing on him.
"Buffy!" he screamed as he immediately recognized her scent. "Get OFF!" he added turning around from how he had landed, on his stomach, and pushing her hard, making her fly off him.
Buffy got to her feet as he stood as well and she stared at him, her eyes hard.
"Oh, I see," he said in his ever so taunting voice. "You just witnessed the re-emerging of the good old vamp, eh?" he added, unable to stop himself or the anger with her stupid, relentless blindness starting to boil again. "I must say, love, you don't seem to take the show to heart."
He wanted to piss her off, make her as boiling inside as he was, and it worked.
She lunged at him with a growl, raising the hand holding the branch. He grabbed a hold of her wrist, put his right hand on her waste and pushed her away again.
"Or maybe you're taking it too MUCH to heart," he said with a smirk as she regained her balance, her breathing hard and her eyes large as she stared at him with disgust and disbelief. "How about that, Slayer, chip isn't working and earlier you almost slept with that killer you just saw."
He laughed a low laugh, putting on his game face again.
She was still staring at him, her thoughts on a rampage through her brain; the chip wasn't working, how long had he known?
Oh God, this cannot be happening!
"You let her go," she said. "Why did you let her go?"
He tilted his head and this movement done with his vamp face on almost made her want to cry again.
"What do you think, Slayer?" he asked, slowly licking his lips and smiling a devilish smile. "Because any given day, if I have to choose between you and some little girl who doesn't even know what my true nature is, I choose you, Slayer. All the more excitement, all the more pleasure."
She felt rage start to burn in her and she took a harder hold on the branch in her hand.
"Let's do this, then," she said and the smile faded, his eyes looking at her with such a sudden disdain that she could hardly breathe.
"Yes, it's long over due, wouldn't you say?" he asked coldly as they slowly started circling each other in the small clearing.
She made the first move, taking three steps quickly forward and kicking out her leg hard.
The dress was awkward to move in, but had she fought in snug skirts, she could surely fight in layers of fabric too, and soon enough, yes, the concentration took over entirely.
He threw his arms out, averting her blow and making her fall to the ground hard enough to make her huff. She rolled around and got to her feet, turning to him just as he lunged at her with the skill he had acquired after a century of fighting.
She saw it coming and spun around, making him miss her and once more kicking her leg out and hitting him on the small of his back.
He growled with surprise as he hit the trunk of a tree headfirst, then turned to her and she was on him, grabbed him by the throat and shoved him up against the trunk.
He laughed at her, mocked her as he lifted both feet, placing them on her stomach and kicking her away, sending her flying again.
She dropped the branch as she hit the ground, a sharp pain running up and down her right shoulder which made her let hear a cry of anger.
She got to her feet, looking for her weapon, and then his hands lifted her over his head and threw her as if she was nothing but a bag of bones.
She landed in a patch of under bush and before she could get her head straight he was on her, his hands grabbing her wrists and pulling them over her head, keeping her down with his body weight he stared into her face with his yellow eyes and growled:
"Say hello to the dark side of me."
She threw her legs up and wrapped them around his waste, his eyes looking surprised before she put her face up and said:
"I think I'll say good-bye instead."
Then she used all her force and swiftly sat up, her legs bearing down on his hips pulling him off her. She tangled herself loose from him and got to her feet, throwing herself forward as her eyes locked on the branch. She felt her hands close around it as he was on her again.
She struggled away from him, kicking out and hitting him in the stomach she scrambled to her feet, the branch in a tight grip in her right hand she watched him get up as well.
"God, how I hate you right now," he screamed at her, the force in his voice making her take a step back in surprise. "It's all you fault, all of this is your bloody fault!"
She stared at him.
"What the HELL are you talking about," she yelled at him, exhausted.
"Dammit, Buffy, why did I ever come to Sunnydale?" he now grumbled, turning around and walking away from her, then changing his mind and turning back.
"Well, first there was."
"Rhetorical, thank you very much," he interrupted her, his gaze first on her face and then at the stake looking branch in her hand.
She sighed, her hand still stubbornly holding on to it.
"If the chip isn't working why did you let that girl go?" she asked again and he raised his eyebrows.
"Being a bit of the broken record now, Slayer," he said. "Already asked that."
She smiled condescendingly.
"The answer wasn't good enough," she stated. "I don't think you would have let her live just like that. So why did you?"
Now he stared at her and his face went from game to human.
"What the hell do you think?" he raised his voice at her again. "You know how I bloody well feel about you and I can't. Dammit, I can't go back to what I was before."
She clenched her jaws together, shaking her head a little. The turmoil of feelings in her chest not being able to stop her from what she felt she had to say:
"I know," she said and his eyes grew wide in disbelief at that statement.
"You what?" he asked and she could hear the sudden sarcasm in his voice.
"I.I've realized a lot of things since we came here, Spike," she said. "I know you love me, I don't know. I can't believe that I didn't see it. Or didn't want to see it. Or, that I couldn't believe in it." She drew a breath. "What I want to say is that you have to let it go, Spike. You HAVE to move on. I'm sorry, but I can't."
"Don't.apologize to me!" he yelled, moving so fast that she could hardly blink before he grabbed both her wrists again, forcing the one holding the stake to rise until he had it at eyelevel.
He stared at it with a sudden fascination that she couldn't interpret and then he asked in a low voice:
"So, you were going to kill the beast with a stick?"
She felt her mouth dry up, her throat became a knot and her heart was practically breaking. What was he doing? Then he smiled a little and switched back into game face again.
"Isn't that the irony of it all?" he asked as he turned his eyes into hers. "Immortality with no light, no compassion, no love and then death with a stick through your heart."
He huffed as he let her go, taking a step back.
"If you don't do it now, Slayer, I can swear to you that I'll kill a thousand people and make the scream of your name be the last thing to ever cross their lips," he said, voice still lowered and she stared at him, her eyes growing.
"What?" she asked, her blood rushing through her veins, her nerves ready to break and her thoughts for some reason standing still in her head.
She didn't understand.
"Do it now," he said, a glance at her hand still raised, holding her weapon.
She swallowed hard, slowly shaking her head. Uncomprehending.
"Kill me," he stated and she felt her brow slowly furrowing.
Then she almost laughed, but the look in his eyes made it vapor even before it reached her throat. He was deadly serious.
"Do it now!" he suddenly exclaimed, taking a step forward and grabbing her, pushing her down hard.
She hit the ground with something that was close to a sob and then she looked up at him, his eyes were burning with anger and resentment and something close to disappointment.
What is he doing? her head cried. What is he doing?
Then he was on her again, and her Slayer instincts took over as she put a foot up and got him off her. He fell on his back and she was on him, straddling him and putting her left hand on his chest to hold him down while she raised her right hand.
'If you don't do it now, Slayer, I swear to you that I'll kill a thousand people.'
The words kept ringing in her head, until she suddenly realized exactly how false the sound of them were.
She looked down on him, frowning again.
"So you let two people go, you let them GO, and you BLAME it on me. And then you say that you're going to kill in MY name?" she asked and he stared at her, slightly annoyed.
She realized something else; he wasn't fighting to get loose.
"Dammit, Spike!" she cried, throwing the branch to the side and getting off him. "What the hell are you doing?"
He looked away, aggravated.
"What the hell do you care?" he asked her, stripping his game face off and looking at her with such a deep pain in his now blue eyes that she stared at him for a moment before suddenly feeling more angry with him than she ever had.
"What the hell do I CARE?" she yelled at him as she got off her knees and to her feet. "Oh, I don't know, probably not at all since I can see that stake through you right now!"
"Branch, love," he corrected as he slowly got up as well.
"Shut the hell up," she said, shaking her head. "You were actually gonna let me stake you."
'It's killing him.'
"God damn it, Buffy, YES, okay? I'm having a pretty lousy night tonight and I saw a good way out of it," he grumbled. "First you, and then the whole indecision part when it comes to myself, which seems to be all made up now, bloody hell, and then the whole 'get over it' thing, what the hell WAS that? I have TRIED, and I CAN'T, okay? STOP bloody ASKING me to move on, I CAN'T!"
She looked away, crossing her arms over her chest and trying to think.
"You said two," he suddenly mumbled and she looked back at him.
"What?" she asked and he sighed.
"Back when you suddenly changed your mind about killing me, you said that I let two people go, but there was only the one," he elaborated.
"Yes, HERE. But then there is that small fact of that man, Jonathan something, from the paper," she said, "I don't think there are two vamps walking around London who suddenly decides to let their victims go, do you?"
He looked away and she knew immediately that she was right. She shook her head a little. Unbelievable. That this was happening was just unbelievable.
Then he suddenly looked so defeated, his shoulders slumping and his head slightly hanging, she had never seen him look so vulnerable, not even when he confessed his love for her.
God, that's so long ago, she now thought, not sure if she should approach him.
"Spike," she mumbled. "We need your help on this thing, we're dealing with something big here and I don't think we can do it without you. Please, don't loose it."
She could see that he was smiling a little, his head still bent down.
"Too late," he mumbled and then shrugged, looking up again. "Does ANY of this make any sense to you?" he asked, and she looked at him with arms that were aching to hold him, to brush the pain away from his eyes with gentle caresses and make him all better, she wanted him all better.
But she couldn't do that; she knew her arms would weigh too heavily on his shoulders since she didn't return his love.his LOVE; that thought was still almost too big to comprehend.
God, for a moment she had really thought he was lost to her. And still, the thought of having to drive that branch through his chest had almost made her feel sick. She wondered silently if she even would have been able to.
She remembered his question and shook her head slowly.
"No," she mumbled, not sure what he meant but thinking of the feelings he stirred up in her whenever he touched her briefly and always, always when he looked at her she added: "Nothing of it ever really does."