DC: Lyrics by Stephen Scwartz
New Horizons: Chapter Thirty-Eight
By Annie
05-25-2002
Dawn looked at her sister, who had woken the younger one up talking in her sleep again.
At least the nightmares seemed to have subsided; she didn't wake up screaming for him in the middle of the night as she had done every night the first week she was back.
Dawn fought back the tears, there had been too many of those during these past fourteen days but she didn't know how to make them stop. Everything really was so strange without Spike there to talk to and to whine to and have him tell her to fuss up. And Buffy was trying so hard to be strong, but Dawn could see how it was tearing on her sister, the thousand regrets that surfaced every time something reminded her of him, which everything seemed to do without anyone even mentioning his name.
She was murmuring something now, whispering incoherent sentences and softly turning her head from side to side as if trying to get away from something. And then she quieted down, breathing shallowly and suddenly she opened her eyes, looking up at something that Dawn couldn't see and the younger sister realized that the older was still dreaming.
The latter smiled, reaching up a hand and stroking the air.
She's dreaming about him, Dawn thought fascinated by the love in her sister's eyes and the completely relaxed expression on her face.
Then Buffy's eyes glazed with a layer of tears and she shook her head slightly.
"Don't." she whispered, frowning a little. "Spike, please.don't."
And then she suddenly drew a sharp breath - causing Dawn to jump backwards - before sitting up, the tears spilling over and running down her cheeks as she stared at the startled teen, she didn't seem to notice them though as she swallowed.
"What time is it?" she asked and Dawn stared back at her, her heart pumping in her chest with the retracting fright and she shrugged a little.
"I-I don't know," she answered and Buffy turned her head to her alarm clock.
"Close to two." Buffy murmured, throwing the covers off and swinging her legs over the edge of the bed, getting off it she seemed to feel the wetness of her cheeks because she reached up one hand and swept the tears away, walking up to Dawn she paused.
"You okay?" she asked her sister and Dawn nodded silently.
"Are you?" she asked and Buffy nodded, slowly.
"Just a dream," she mumbled as she continued walking past Dawn and up to the door. "I'm thirsty," she then said, turning to Dawn again. "You wanna join me for some water?"
Dawn looked up at her, smiling a little and then shaking her head.
"Nah, I need to get to bed. School and everything." she answered and Buffy smiled back. "Besides," Dawn added, "water always makes me all awake and stuff."
Buffy smiled wider, nodding again and then stepped out into the hallway as Dawn came up after her.
"Good night, then," she said and Dawn hugged her.
"Good night," Dawn replied and they parted, Dawn walking back to her room and Buffy silently making her way downstairs.
She walked into the kitchen and opened the cabinet holding the glasses; bringing one out she filled it as usual to the brim and drank it before doing it all over again. She put the glass in the sink and looked up and outside.
The weather was starting to get warmer and she suddenly felt like the house wasn't big enough, walking up to the back door she grabbed the duster hanging on one of the hooks and hung it over her shoulders, wrapping it around her as she stepped outside and closed the door.
'I don't HATE you, Spike.'
She looked longingly at the spot where he had leaned in on her that night in another lifetime.
Then she drew a breath and walked out into the garden.
The moon had lost its body since the night she went to Spike's crypt and it hung gracefully in the sky, a half closed eye keeping watch on her sleeping world.
She walked up to the humble collection of lawn furniture and sat down, leaning back she tilted her head to look up at the twinkling stars and wished that one would fall, she needed some explainable magic in her life and that, in its simplicity, would be more than enough.
But no star fell and she pulled the leather tighter around her, humming softly to herself a song she had gotten to know by heart during the past week. She closed her eyes and tried to relax.
The thing was that nothing seemed to get easier. Not that she had expected the pain to ever pull back, not really, but it didn't seem to lose any of its intensity either. In fact, it seemed to be growing and she really didn't know what to do with it.
That tare that she had felt, first when he was walking away from her with the lord and then when they were standing before each other in front of the breaking mirror, that tare had ripped during these weeks and it had truly damaged something inside of her.
In her heart she knew that now she was a lost cause.
She had had a fight with Xander about it.
"He's not coming back and I can't STAND to see you like this!" he had exclaimed suddenly, breaking the silence that had rested over the assembled Scoobies in the Magic Box three days earlier.
"Like what?" she had asked calmly and Xander had gotten to his feet, obviously frustrated.
"Catatonic!" he had stated and she had smiled a little
"You've seen me catatonic, this isn't it," she had retorted and he had shaken his head at her.
"You need to move on with your life, if not for anything else then at least for the fact that all of Sunnydale, hell, the WORLD NEEDS the Slayer," he had said, leaning forward and placing his hands on the table surface, looking her in the eyes, serious.
"I AM getting there, Xander, don't worry about that. The fighting is therapy, anyway, I won't back down from my duties," she had answered and he had sighed, shaking his head again and straightening his back.
"But you won't let go," he had concluded, face hardening, and she had met his eyes firmly before shaking her head.
"No," she had confirmed and he had combed his hands through his hair, growing frustrated again.
"Why?" he had demanded and she had smiled slightly.
"Because I can't," she had answered him. "I don't want to," she had added. "It's too strong for me to let it go, and now that I've realized that I just have to learn how to deal."
"But, what you're saying. You're not saying that you're going to hold on to this.? I mean you will eventually start to see if there might be someone else who can.?" he trailed off at the expression in her eyes and he furrowed his brow. "Are you serious?"
She had drawn a breath, gotten to her feet and walked around the table, Xander ignoring the duster, which she insisted on wearing, and looking at her as she came to stand before him.
"Like a heart attack," she had then answered him and in that moment she had felt exactly how right the decision was.
Now she opened her eyes, thinking of nothing but the need to feel Spike's arms around her again.
And then she sat up straight.
The sudden sense of him had hit her dead on and she quickly turned her head seemingly trying to scan every last corner of the garden in one sweep. She got off the chair, swallowing hard and taking a step forward, her whole body trembling with adrenaline as she tried to see through the shadows.
"Spike?" she whispered and then cleared her throat before calling out his name again: "Spike?!"
Everything was silent and still and the feeling of him being close was slowly disappearing out of her chest.
She stood staring into the darkness of tangled grays and blacks for a longer time than she even noticed. Something and everything ripping in her chest and she felt like she couldn't breathe.
She finally collected herself enough to turn around and walk over to the chair where the duster had slid off her shoulders and was now resting. She picked it up, blinking at the memories in her mind she looked at it.
Would she ever feel anything else than this overwhelming need and longing and pain?
She walked back inside, shutting the door behind her and hanging up the duster on the hook again before walking into the living room and resting her eyes on the mirror. It looked radiant and almost alive in the soft, cold moonlight and she was happy that she had decided to give in to Dawn's pleas and keep it. It was beautiful.
She walked up to it and gently touched the frame of it.
It had brought her so much pleasure and caused her so much pain.
A good reminder, if anything.
She let her hand fall down again before turning and walking out of the living room, up the stairs and down the hallway. Stepping in through her bedroom door she suddenly felt exhausted and it didn't take her many minutes after getting back into bed to fall asleep.
***
"Wanna watch some TV?" Dawn asked as Buffy walked into the living room after doing the dishes of the Monday nights fancy dinner consisting of pepperoni pizza and cheesy bread.
"I don't know," Buffy answered her as she came up to the couch to sit down. "What's on?"
Dawn shrugged, picking up the remote on her lap and starting to flick through the channels.
"I'm not sure. You know, if Spike would've been here he could've." she cut herself short and looked at Buffy with a regretful expression in her eyes.
Buffy smiled, shaking her head and placing one hand comfortingly on her sister's.
"It's okay," she said and Dawn smiled a little back.
"It was just. after that dream you had last night I was afraid that you would feel really sad again," Dawn said and Buffy shook her head slightly.
"I dream about him every night, Dawnie," she said silently. "Don't worry about that, okay?"
Dawn nodded, reaching up her arms and embracing her sister. Buffy had just hugged her back when there was a loud knock on the door and then it flung open, Xander, Willow, Tara and Anya trotting in, the first with a very decisive expression on his face.
"We're gonna take you out tonight, Buff," he said, his voice matching the look and Buffy, pulling away from Dawn who also was staring at the four friends, smiled a little at that. "We won't take no for an answer," he added and Buffy smiled wider, then grew serious.
"I don't know." she grumbled and Xander immediately took the steps required to get around the table and get Buffy on her feet.
"If we so have to tie you down and stick you on a pole you are going out dancing!" he said and she stared at him with her eyebrows raised.
"Hmh, I thought that pole thing was YOUR melody," she pointed out and he paused a moment before giving her a friendly glare.
"We just wanna see you a little happy," Anya spoke up and she got agreeing nods from the two Wiccas.
Buffy looked around at them and then sighed, shrugging.
"Fine, since you all insist so vigorously I suppose I'll have to give in, and even if I can't promise anything I'll do my BEST at a-little-happy, okay?" she then said and the four lightened up considerably.
"But." Dawn started, and Xander raised both hands, cutting her short.
"You're coming too," he said and Buffy was about to open her mouth in protest but he shook his head firmly. "No, Buff, we ALL wanna be there and Dawn can't be home all alone," he stated and she reluctantly agreed to that being true and even more reluctantly to Dawn having permission to stay out on a school night.
When it was finally decided Anya pulled Buffy with her upstairs to get her ready and Tara and Willow grabbed Dawn.
"Girls, just so were on the clear, we are LEAVING in TEN minutes!" Xander called after them, the only answer he received was the trampling of their feet up the stairs. "In TEN minutes the X-mobile is LEAVING!" he yelled again and then sighed.
Forty-five minutes later they came back downstairs and he flicked off the TV, getting off the couch.
"Nice," he said with a look each on Buffy and Dawn and then he headed to the door.
Anya rolled her eyes and smiled a little at Buffy.
"You look really, really good," she said and Buffy smiled faintly.
"Thanks," she said as they all filed in after Xander, Willow closing and locking the door.
They squeezed into Xander's car and arrived at the Bronze without any huge drama, Dawn smiling brightly at Buffy as they walked up to the entrance of the club. Buffy clenched her jaws together as they walked through it, loud music hitting their ears.
The place was absolutely packed and Buffy, as well as the others, started to look around for a table. After some scuffling with another group of people claiming they got to the newly available seats first the Scoobies could finally sit down, Xander getting up again and walking over to the bar to get everybody some drinks.
Dawn looked around keenly at the dancing crowd, the band on the stage and the settings. She had been there before, but not this late and it was a completely different scene than what she was used to.
"Can I go dance?" she asked and Buffy was about to answer when Anya said:
"Of course, if someone goes with you, right Buffy?" Buffy looked at her and then shrugged, nodding and Anya smiled, scooting out of the booth and grabbing Dawn's hand she said: "Like ME, come on!"
"Anya is acting.happy," Buffy said to Willow and the latter smiled, nodding.
"I know, I think it's 'cause she's mentally planning the wedding she and Xander will Go Through With in the future," she said as Xander came up with their drinks, putting them down on the table and starting to hand them out. "Or it might just be that she made a killer deal with a worlac in the store today," Willow added and Buffy smiled widely at that.
The vengeance demon's love for anything the color of money was sometimes comical, most of the time unnerving and always a true characteristic.
"So," she said turning to Xander. "You and Anya are getting along well?"
Xander nodded, taking a sip of his drink and letting his eyes search for his girl on the dance floor.
"We're taking it slow, but it's at least a start. We talk a lot and stuff, which is good," he said and spotted her, smiling a little he put his glass down and turned to Buffy.
"That's just wonderful," she said smiling as well and he nodded again.
An hour later they were all discussing what movie was the greatest of all time and even though Buffy was part of the conversation she felt her mind wandering as she let her eyes glide up towards a spot overlooking the dance floor.
'Don't.'
'Stop me.'
She closed her eyes and sighed a little.
Xander looked at her for a moment and then he gestured for Anya and Dawn to get out of the booth so he could stand up.
"Wanna dance?" he then asked, reaching out a hand to Buffy who opened her eyes and looked at it.
"Sure," she then answered and took it, scooting out as well and walking with him to the dance floor.
Soft music was playing from the speakers, the band was having their break, a new song had just come on. Xander placed a hand on her hip and took her right one in his left one, pulling her a little closer he looked down on her, concern in his eyes as she looked back.
"What?" she asked and he sighed.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I've been doing a lot of thinking, talked to Anya a lot about it too, and I suppose that if you can accept dead boy then I should at least try," he then added and Buffy's eyebrows shot up in surprise. "I'm not saying that I LIKE him," Xander grumbled and Buffy smiled a little. "Just that. well, I won't be so angry anymore. And I want you to know that I want to be a support, not another obstacle, okay?"
She smiled at him, relaxing a little and nodding.
"Thank you, that means so much to me," she said and he smiled back before she rested her head on his shoulder.
At first she didn't think about them, but then the words of the song they were moving to hit her and she bit her jaws together, tears starting to form in her eyes as a soft male voice sung:
If I never knew you - if I never felt this love
I would have no inkling of how precious life can be
And if I never held you - I would never have a clue
How at last I find in you the missing part of me
In this world so full of fear
Full of rage and lies
I can see the truth so clear
In your eyes
So dry your eyes
And I'm so grateful to you
I'd have lived my whole life through
Lost forever - if I never knew you
A female voice took over and Buffy blinked as the tears slowly started making their way down her cheeks.
If I never knew you - I'd be safe but half as real
Never knowing I could feel a love so strong and true
I'm so grateful to you
I'd have lived my whole life through
Lost forever - if I never knew you
He: I thought our love would be so beautiful
She: Somehow we'd make the whole world bright
Both: I never knew that fear and hate could be so strong
All they'd leave us were these whispers in the night
But still my heart is saying we were right
She: If I never knew you
He: (There's no moment I regret)
If I never knew your love
(Since the moment that we met)
I would have no inkling of
(If our time has gone too fast)
How precious life can be.
(I've lived at last.)
Xander felt her shoulders shaking and he held her closer. Buffy closed her eyes.
Both: I thought our love would be so beautiful
Somehow we'd make the whole world bright
She: I thought our love would be so beautiful
We'd turn the darkness into light
Both: And still my heart is saying we were right
He: We were right
He: And if I never knew you
She: (If I never knew you)
He: I'd have lived my whole life through.
She: Empty as the sky
Both: Never knowing why
Lost forever
If I never knew you
The music softly died and Xander gently pulled away from Buffy, she looked up at him, still blinking tears out of her sight and smiling a little. She felt kind of silly, her insides aching none the less.
"Look at me," she said, starting to wipe her tears away. "I'm crying over a stupid love song," she added shaking her head a little.
Xander smiled and put an arm around her shoulders, hugging her tenderly as they turned to walk off the dance floor.
"Even the Slayer is allowed to have a mushy center," he stated and she smiled up at him.
"Yeah, but mine is more like watery," she sighed and he laughed at that.
She swiped the last tears away as she looked up and her eyes rested in a pair of heavenly blues across the room. She froze, Xander did as well, looking at her questioningly.
She stared into those eyes forever and then she blinked and they were gone.
Her eyes grew larger as she stared at the spot where they had been a moment earlier and she spun her head to Xander.
"He was here!" she exclaimed and Xander furrowed his brow, not following. "Spike!" she said impatiently. "God, he was HERE!"
She spun around as a subtle disbelief started growing on Xander's face and raced away from him, across the room and to the spot where she had SEEN him. She was so sure of it that she felt she would explode!
She twirled around, looking for him and then she rushed to the entrance and out onto the street.
Nothing.
She started running. She only increased her speed when she got closer to the cemetery and she didn't stop until she reached the doors to his crypt. She yanked one open and walked inside, Clem looking surprised at her from the armchair and up from the book he was reading.
"Buffy!" he said with a welcoming smile. "A-anything wrong?"
"Has he been here?" she asked and Clem raised his eyebrows, looking bewildered. "Spike!" she exclaimed, her patience with people not knowing that of course it was HIM she was talking about running out and now Clem stared at her, surprised.
"He's back?! Wow, how? When? Oh! Eh, no, he hasn't been here," he answered her, getting up and putting down the book.
Buffy stared at him, feeling the security waver in her chest as she looked around the crypt.
"He.He hasn't come here?" she asked and Clem shook his head slowly.
"I wouldn't lie 'bout that," he said.
"No! No, of course not. I was just so sure that." she trailed off, her heart sinking in her chest as she heavily sat down on the small step in front of the door, combing her hands through her hair and feeling the hope slip away from her again.
Clem approached her hesitantly.
"Are you all right?" he asked and this time she shook her head, not willing to lie to him again.
"I think I'm going crazy, Clem," she said.
Clem smiled a little at that, taking a seat beside her.
"Oh, now, I'm sure it's not THAT bad, Buffy," he said and she sighed, shaking her head to herself.
"I just miss him," she said and Clem fell silent.
"So do I, sometimes," he said quietly. "I didn't have many friends before him, and now. It's lonely."
Buffy turned her head to him, feeling a small sting of guilt.
"Tomorrow," she said, getting to her feet again, "you are invited over for dinner at my house, and that's final."
He stared up at her, surprised.
"Really?" he asked and she smiled then nodded.
"Yep."
"Do I need to bring anything? I could bring dessert, I have lots of snacks!" he offered, getting to his feet as well.
"No, that's okay. Just. come by around eight and then I can walk you home when it's time for my patrol."
He smiled a little at that, nodding.
"Sounds good," he said. "This cemetery creeps me out at night," he added and she smiled back before walking up to the door.
She paused and turned to him.
"You haven't seen him?" she asked and Clem looked regretful before shaking his head a little
She nodded and walked outside.
She took her time walking back to the Bronze, her head buzzing with confusion and fear towards the tricks her mind was playing on her. She sighed and tried to collect herself as she approached the entrance once more.
He's gone, she thought, the sense of loss growing in her chest. He's gone.
New Horizons: Chapter Thirty-Eight
By Annie
05-25-2002
Dawn looked at her sister, who had woken the younger one up talking in her sleep again.
At least the nightmares seemed to have subsided; she didn't wake up screaming for him in the middle of the night as she had done every night the first week she was back.
Dawn fought back the tears, there had been too many of those during these past fourteen days but she didn't know how to make them stop. Everything really was so strange without Spike there to talk to and to whine to and have him tell her to fuss up. And Buffy was trying so hard to be strong, but Dawn could see how it was tearing on her sister, the thousand regrets that surfaced every time something reminded her of him, which everything seemed to do without anyone even mentioning his name.
She was murmuring something now, whispering incoherent sentences and softly turning her head from side to side as if trying to get away from something. And then she quieted down, breathing shallowly and suddenly she opened her eyes, looking up at something that Dawn couldn't see and the younger sister realized that the older was still dreaming.
The latter smiled, reaching up a hand and stroking the air.
She's dreaming about him, Dawn thought fascinated by the love in her sister's eyes and the completely relaxed expression on her face.
Then Buffy's eyes glazed with a layer of tears and she shook her head slightly.
"Don't." she whispered, frowning a little. "Spike, please.don't."
And then she suddenly drew a sharp breath - causing Dawn to jump backwards - before sitting up, the tears spilling over and running down her cheeks as she stared at the startled teen, she didn't seem to notice them though as she swallowed.
"What time is it?" she asked and Dawn stared back at her, her heart pumping in her chest with the retracting fright and she shrugged a little.
"I-I don't know," she answered and Buffy turned her head to her alarm clock.
"Close to two." Buffy murmured, throwing the covers off and swinging her legs over the edge of the bed, getting off it she seemed to feel the wetness of her cheeks because she reached up one hand and swept the tears away, walking up to Dawn she paused.
"You okay?" she asked her sister and Dawn nodded silently.
"Are you?" she asked and Buffy nodded, slowly.
"Just a dream," she mumbled as she continued walking past Dawn and up to the door. "I'm thirsty," she then said, turning to Dawn again. "You wanna join me for some water?"
Dawn looked up at her, smiling a little and then shaking her head.
"Nah, I need to get to bed. School and everything." she answered and Buffy smiled back. "Besides," Dawn added, "water always makes me all awake and stuff."
Buffy smiled wider, nodding again and then stepped out into the hallway as Dawn came up after her.
"Good night, then," she said and Dawn hugged her.
"Good night," Dawn replied and they parted, Dawn walking back to her room and Buffy silently making her way downstairs.
She walked into the kitchen and opened the cabinet holding the glasses; bringing one out she filled it as usual to the brim and drank it before doing it all over again. She put the glass in the sink and looked up and outside.
The weather was starting to get warmer and she suddenly felt like the house wasn't big enough, walking up to the back door she grabbed the duster hanging on one of the hooks and hung it over her shoulders, wrapping it around her as she stepped outside and closed the door.
'I don't HATE you, Spike.'
She looked longingly at the spot where he had leaned in on her that night in another lifetime.
Then she drew a breath and walked out into the garden.
The moon had lost its body since the night she went to Spike's crypt and it hung gracefully in the sky, a half closed eye keeping watch on her sleeping world.
She walked up to the humble collection of lawn furniture and sat down, leaning back she tilted her head to look up at the twinkling stars and wished that one would fall, she needed some explainable magic in her life and that, in its simplicity, would be more than enough.
But no star fell and she pulled the leather tighter around her, humming softly to herself a song she had gotten to know by heart during the past week. She closed her eyes and tried to relax.
The thing was that nothing seemed to get easier. Not that she had expected the pain to ever pull back, not really, but it didn't seem to lose any of its intensity either. In fact, it seemed to be growing and she really didn't know what to do with it.
That tare that she had felt, first when he was walking away from her with the lord and then when they were standing before each other in front of the breaking mirror, that tare had ripped during these weeks and it had truly damaged something inside of her.
In her heart she knew that now she was a lost cause.
She had had a fight with Xander about it.
"He's not coming back and I can't STAND to see you like this!" he had exclaimed suddenly, breaking the silence that had rested over the assembled Scoobies in the Magic Box three days earlier.
"Like what?" she had asked calmly and Xander had gotten to his feet, obviously frustrated.
"Catatonic!" he had stated and she had smiled a little
"You've seen me catatonic, this isn't it," she had retorted and he had shaken his head at her.
"You need to move on with your life, if not for anything else then at least for the fact that all of Sunnydale, hell, the WORLD NEEDS the Slayer," he had said, leaning forward and placing his hands on the table surface, looking her in the eyes, serious.
"I AM getting there, Xander, don't worry about that. The fighting is therapy, anyway, I won't back down from my duties," she had answered and he had sighed, shaking his head again and straightening his back.
"But you won't let go," he had concluded, face hardening, and she had met his eyes firmly before shaking her head.
"No," she had confirmed and he had combed his hands through his hair, growing frustrated again.
"Why?" he had demanded and she had smiled slightly.
"Because I can't," she had answered him. "I don't want to," she had added. "It's too strong for me to let it go, and now that I've realized that I just have to learn how to deal."
"But, what you're saying. You're not saying that you're going to hold on to this.? I mean you will eventually start to see if there might be someone else who can.?" he trailed off at the expression in her eyes and he furrowed his brow. "Are you serious?"
She had drawn a breath, gotten to her feet and walked around the table, Xander ignoring the duster, which she insisted on wearing, and looking at her as she came to stand before him.
"Like a heart attack," she had then answered him and in that moment she had felt exactly how right the decision was.
Now she opened her eyes, thinking of nothing but the need to feel Spike's arms around her again.
And then she sat up straight.
The sudden sense of him had hit her dead on and she quickly turned her head seemingly trying to scan every last corner of the garden in one sweep. She got off the chair, swallowing hard and taking a step forward, her whole body trembling with adrenaline as she tried to see through the shadows.
"Spike?" she whispered and then cleared her throat before calling out his name again: "Spike?!"
Everything was silent and still and the feeling of him being close was slowly disappearing out of her chest.
She stood staring into the darkness of tangled grays and blacks for a longer time than she even noticed. Something and everything ripping in her chest and she felt like she couldn't breathe.
She finally collected herself enough to turn around and walk over to the chair where the duster had slid off her shoulders and was now resting. She picked it up, blinking at the memories in her mind she looked at it.
Would she ever feel anything else than this overwhelming need and longing and pain?
She walked back inside, shutting the door behind her and hanging up the duster on the hook again before walking into the living room and resting her eyes on the mirror. It looked radiant and almost alive in the soft, cold moonlight and she was happy that she had decided to give in to Dawn's pleas and keep it. It was beautiful.
She walked up to it and gently touched the frame of it.
It had brought her so much pleasure and caused her so much pain.
A good reminder, if anything.
She let her hand fall down again before turning and walking out of the living room, up the stairs and down the hallway. Stepping in through her bedroom door she suddenly felt exhausted and it didn't take her many minutes after getting back into bed to fall asleep.
***
"Wanna watch some TV?" Dawn asked as Buffy walked into the living room after doing the dishes of the Monday nights fancy dinner consisting of pepperoni pizza and cheesy bread.
"I don't know," Buffy answered her as she came up to the couch to sit down. "What's on?"
Dawn shrugged, picking up the remote on her lap and starting to flick through the channels.
"I'm not sure. You know, if Spike would've been here he could've." she cut herself short and looked at Buffy with a regretful expression in her eyes.
Buffy smiled, shaking her head and placing one hand comfortingly on her sister's.
"It's okay," she said and Dawn smiled a little back.
"It was just. after that dream you had last night I was afraid that you would feel really sad again," Dawn said and Buffy shook her head slightly.
"I dream about him every night, Dawnie," she said silently. "Don't worry about that, okay?"
Dawn nodded, reaching up her arms and embracing her sister. Buffy had just hugged her back when there was a loud knock on the door and then it flung open, Xander, Willow, Tara and Anya trotting in, the first with a very decisive expression on his face.
"We're gonna take you out tonight, Buff," he said, his voice matching the look and Buffy, pulling away from Dawn who also was staring at the four friends, smiled a little at that. "We won't take no for an answer," he added and Buffy smiled wider, then grew serious.
"I don't know." she grumbled and Xander immediately took the steps required to get around the table and get Buffy on her feet.
"If we so have to tie you down and stick you on a pole you are going out dancing!" he said and she stared at him with her eyebrows raised.
"Hmh, I thought that pole thing was YOUR melody," she pointed out and he paused a moment before giving her a friendly glare.
"We just wanna see you a little happy," Anya spoke up and she got agreeing nods from the two Wiccas.
Buffy looked around at them and then sighed, shrugging.
"Fine, since you all insist so vigorously I suppose I'll have to give in, and even if I can't promise anything I'll do my BEST at a-little-happy, okay?" she then said and the four lightened up considerably.
"But." Dawn started, and Xander raised both hands, cutting her short.
"You're coming too," he said and Buffy was about to open her mouth in protest but he shook his head firmly. "No, Buff, we ALL wanna be there and Dawn can't be home all alone," he stated and she reluctantly agreed to that being true and even more reluctantly to Dawn having permission to stay out on a school night.
When it was finally decided Anya pulled Buffy with her upstairs to get her ready and Tara and Willow grabbed Dawn.
"Girls, just so were on the clear, we are LEAVING in TEN minutes!" Xander called after them, the only answer he received was the trampling of their feet up the stairs. "In TEN minutes the X-mobile is LEAVING!" he yelled again and then sighed.
Forty-five minutes later they came back downstairs and he flicked off the TV, getting off the couch.
"Nice," he said with a look each on Buffy and Dawn and then he headed to the door.
Anya rolled her eyes and smiled a little at Buffy.
"You look really, really good," she said and Buffy smiled faintly.
"Thanks," she said as they all filed in after Xander, Willow closing and locking the door.
They squeezed into Xander's car and arrived at the Bronze without any huge drama, Dawn smiling brightly at Buffy as they walked up to the entrance of the club. Buffy clenched her jaws together as they walked through it, loud music hitting their ears.
The place was absolutely packed and Buffy, as well as the others, started to look around for a table. After some scuffling with another group of people claiming they got to the newly available seats first the Scoobies could finally sit down, Xander getting up again and walking over to the bar to get everybody some drinks.
Dawn looked around keenly at the dancing crowd, the band on the stage and the settings. She had been there before, but not this late and it was a completely different scene than what she was used to.
"Can I go dance?" she asked and Buffy was about to answer when Anya said:
"Of course, if someone goes with you, right Buffy?" Buffy looked at her and then shrugged, nodding and Anya smiled, scooting out of the booth and grabbing Dawn's hand she said: "Like ME, come on!"
"Anya is acting.happy," Buffy said to Willow and the latter smiled, nodding.
"I know, I think it's 'cause she's mentally planning the wedding she and Xander will Go Through With in the future," she said as Xander came up with their drinks, putting them down on the table and starting to hand them out. "Or it might just be that she made a killer deal with a worlac in the store today," Willow added and Buffy smiled widely at that.
The vengeance demon's love for anything the color of money was sometimes comical, most of the time unnerving and always a true characteristic.
"So," she said turning to Xander. "You and Anya are getting along well?"
Xander nodded, taking a sip of his drink and letting his eyes search for his girl on the dance floor.
"We're taking it slow, but it's at least a start. We talk a lot and stuff, which is good," he said and spotted her, smiling a little he put his glass down and turned to Buffy.
"That's just wonderful," she said smiling as well and he nodded again.
An hour later they were all discussing what movie was the greatest of all time and even though Buffy was part of the conversation she felt her mind wandering as she let her eyes glide up towards a spot overlooking the dance floor.
'Don't.'
'Stop me.'
She closed her eyes and sighed a little.
Xander looked at her for a moment and then he gestured for Anya and Dawn to get out of the booth so he could stand up.
"Wanna dance?" he then asked, reaching out a hand to Buffy who opened her eyes and looked at it.
"Sure," she then answered and took it, scooting out as well and walking with him to the dance floor.
Soft music was playing from the speakers, the band was having their break, a new song had just come on. Xander placed a hand on her hip and took her right one in his left one, pulling her a little closer he looked down on her, concern in his eyes as she looked back.
"What?" she asked and he sighed.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I've been doing a lot of thinking, talked to Anya a lot about it too, and I suppose that if you can accept dead boy then I should at least try," he then added and Buffy's eyebrows shot up in surprise. "I'm not saying that I LIKE him," Xander grumbled and Buffy smiled a little. "Just that. well, I won't be so angry anymore. And I want you to know that I want to be a support, not another obstacle, okay?"
She smiled at him, relaxing a little and nodding.
"Thank you, that means so much to me," she said and he smiled back before she rested her head on his shoulder.
At first she didn't think about them, but then the words of the song they were moving to hit her and she bit her jaws together, tears starting to form in her eyes as a soft male voice sung:
If I never knew you - if I never felt this love
I would have no inkling of how precious life can be
And if I never held you - I would never have a clue
How at last I find in you the missing part of me
In this world so full of fear
Full of rage and lies
I can see the truth so clear
In your eyes
So dry your eyes
And I'm so grateful to you
I'd have lived my whole life through
Lost forever - if I never knew you
A female voice took over and Buffy blinked as the tears slowly started making their way down her cheeks.
If I never knew you - I'd be safe but half as real
Never knowing I could feel a love so strong and true
I'm so grateful to you
I'd have lived my whole life through
Lost forever - if I never knew you
He: I thought our love would be so beautiful
She: Somehow we'd make the whole world bright
Both: I never knew that fear and hate could be so strong
All they'd leave us were these whispers in the night
But still my heart is saying we were right
She: If I never knew you
He: (There's no moment I regret)
If I never knew your love
(Since the moment that we met)
I would have no inkling of
(If our time has gone too fast)
How precious life can be.
(I've lived at last.)
Xander felt her shoulders shaking and he held her closer. Buffy closed her eyes.
Both: I thought our love would be so beautiful
Somehow we'd make the whole world bright
She: I thought our love would be so beautiful
We'd turn the darkness into light
Both: And still my heart is saying we were right
He: We were right
He: And if I never knew you
She: (If I never knew you)
He: I'd have lived my whole life through.
She: Empty as the sky
Both: Never knowing why
Lost forever
If I never knew you
The music softly died and Xander gently pulled away from Buffy, she looked up at him, still blinking tears out of her sight and smiling a little. She felt kind of silly, her insides aching none the less.
"Look at me," she said, starting to wipe her tears away. "I'm crying over a stupid love song," she added shaking her head a little.
Xander smiled and put an arm around her shoulders, hugging her tenderly as they turned to walk off the dance floor.
"Even the Slayer is allowed to have a mushy center," he stated and she smiled up at him.
"Yeah, but mine is more like watery," she sighed and he laughed at that.
She swiped the last tears away as she looked up and her eyes rested in a pair of heavenly blues across the room. She froze, Xander did as well, looking at her questioningly.
She stared into those eyes forever and then she blinked and they were gone.
Her eyes grew larger as she stared at the spot where they had been a moment earlier and she spun her head to Xander.
"He was here!" she exclaimed and Xander furrowed his brow, not following. "Spike!" she said impatiently. "God, he was HERE!"
She spun around as a subtle disbelief started growing on Xander's face and raced away from him, across the room and to the spot where she had SEEN him. She was so sure of it that she felt she would explode!
She twirled around, looking for him and then she rushed to the entrance and out onto the street.
Nothing.
She started running. She only increased her speed when she got closer to the cemetery and she didn't stop until she reached the doors to his crypt. She yanked one open and walked inside, Clem looking surprised at her from the armchair and up from the book he was reading.
"Buffy!" he said with a welcoming smile. "A-anything wrong?"
"Has he been here?" she asked and Clem raised his eyebrows, looking bewildered. "Spike!" she exclaimed, her patience with people not knowing that of course it was HIM she was talking about running out and now Clem stared at her, surprised.
"He's back?! Wow, how? When? Oh! Eh, no, he hasn't been here," he answered her, getting up and putting down the book.
Buffy stared at him, feeling the security waver in her chest as she looked around the crypt.
"He.He hasn't come here?" she asked and Clem shook his head slowly.
"I wouldn't lie 'bout that," he said.
"No! No, of course not. I was just so sure that." she trailed off, her heart sinking in her chest as she heavily sat down on the small step in front of the door, combing her hands through her hair and feeling the hope slip away from her again.
Clem approached her hesitantly.
"Are you all right?" he asked and this time she shook her head, not willing to lie to him again.
"I think I'm going crazy, Clem," she said.
Clem smiled a little at that, taking a seat beside her.
"Oh, now, I'm sure it's not THAT bad, Buffy," he said and she sighed, shaking her head to herself.
"I just miss him," she said and Clem fell silent.
"So do I, sometimes," he said quietly. "I didn't have many friends before him, and now. It's lonely."
Buffy turned her head to him, feeling a small sting of guilt.
"Tomorrow," she said, getting to her feet again, "you are invited over for dinner at my house, and that's final."
He stared up at her, surprised.
"Really?" he asked and she smiled then nodded.
"Yep."
"Do I need to bring anything? I could bring dessert, I have lots of snacks!" he offered, getting to his feet as well.
"No, that's okay. Just. come by around eight and then I can walk you home when it's time for my patrol."
He smiled a little at that, nodding.
"Sounds good," he said. "This cemetery creeps me out at night," he added and she smiled back before walking up to the door.
She paused and turned to him.
"You haven't seen him?" she asked and Clem looked regretful before shaking his head a little
She nodded and walked outside.
She took her time walking back to the Bronze, her head buzzing with confusion and fear towards the tricks her mind was playing on her. She sighed and tried to collect herself as she approached the entrance once more.
He's gone, she thought, the sense of loss growing in her chest. He's gone.