I groaned slightly as I stirred, that damn sunlight again, I'd have to do
something about those curtains. I lifted one eye to look at them and shook
my head a little after closing my eyes again. The window seemed to be in
the wrong place and the curtains were totally different. No, it's just me,
I shift a bit as I prepare to go back to sleep when I become aware of an
arm draped across my body. There's some guy in my bed and then somehow, I
know its Angel; I can smell him, a slight musk and something that's
undeniably Angel's scent. I breathe it in and smile, savouring this
particular dream. I hadn't dreamt of him for a long time, I'm too good at
shutting him out of my head. It must be all that drink last night; this
feels so real. He stirred slightly next to me, tightening his hold around
me and drawing me to him.
Wait, I didn't drink anything last night, I'd been too tired to do anything except sleep, thankful for it. The only things in my head were that strange girl and the inexplicable echoing words of the previous night's drunken dream. "Prepare yourself." I hadn't drunk anything and now I was pretty sure I was fully awake. What the hell was going on? Angel moved even closer, now waking up as well. He nuzzled into my neck, kissing my shoulder as he held me to him. Something very weird was going on, Angel didn't seem to think it was though; he seemed very.at home, completely relaxed. Which was far from what I was.
"What time is it?" He asked sleepily, muffled by my hair. I didn't answer right away, getting way past freaked out I only remembered he'd asked a question when he murmured, "Hhmmmm?" Deciding I better say something, you know before I ran for the hills, all I could manage was,
"E-early I think." He kept his hold on me and moving his head a little he whispered in my ear,
"Ten more minutes." And then after hearing a thudding noise from somewhere else; "Never mind, prepare yourself." Though I could hear the humour in his voice I found none in what he'd said. I pulled away to look at him properly and my breath caught. He was still gorgeous, my gorgeous Angel. What the hell was going on? He looked at me quizzically for a second but was prevented from saying anything by the small person that suddenly appeared on the bed. Bouncing up and down above us was a small girl, maybe four or five. She had blonde hair and unmistakable brown eyes. She couldn't be.yet I knew that she was and she confirmed my thoughts when she then started shouting,
"Mommy, mommy! Daddy, daddy! It's Christmas! Christmas! Pwesents! Get up mom, lets have pwesents." At which point she stopped shouting and continued bouncing by our heads. I closed my eyes; I'm still asleep; that's the only answer. I was having a very real dream about Angel and our daughter. Distantly I thought I could hear a baby crying and Angel nudged me,
"Come one sleepy head, its Christmas and it sounds like James wants his mommy." I opened my eyes in alarm, two kids, not just one. Angel must have taken my expression for something else since he then said quickly, "Okay, his daddy, he wants his daddy then." He climbed out of bed leaving a cold draft and picked the little girl off the bed. "Come on Ash, let Mommy get up and I'll go make us breakfast." She looked back at me and I managed an awkward smile.
"Pwesents?" She asked.
"Yeah, we can do presents then." He told her and she seemed satisfied with this and left the room, I could hear her running down the stairs and Angel calling after her. I sat up, what was I going to do? This isn't my life; something really serious was going on. I didn't recall any run in with a demon that could have somehow transplanted me into a different world or me into crazy Buffy. I was vaguely aware that the baby's crying had stopped and a minute later Angel was back with the baby on his hip. He couldn't have been much older than a year. "I almost forgot," Angel said as he leaned in towards me and kissed me softly on my lips. "Merry Christmas my love." And then at the door, "I'll make us some coffee. Don't be too long or you'll miss all the fun." And with that he was gone. What a relief, I jumped out of bed and began rummaging in the wardrobe on the other side of the room, it sure wasn't a big room, and I pulled on some jeans and a random top. I knew there was no use in pinching myself; Angel, the little girl and that crying baby were all too real. What the hell was going on?
As I reached the bottom of the stairs I could hear the excitement from the little girl in the living room. I grabbed the jacket by the door and with little regret I grabbed the keys that were thankfully on a hook by the door and I got out of the house. It was like escaping, after all, I didn't belong there, I didn't even know where here was. I looked at the van in the drive and almost laughed. Why wouldn't we have a van like that, it's a perfectly typical car for a typical family. That was forgetting one thing of course, that this wasn't my family; I didn't have a frigging family.
When I started the engine Angel must have heard because he appeared at the door, the most confused look on his face. I imagine it's still there as I back out and drive away. It doesn't take me long to figure out that I'm in Sunnydale, ugh Sunnydale. I haven't been here for eight years. It's changed, it looks more normal now, not that it looked weird before but it always had this atmosphere and I can tell just from the sitting in this car that that's gone. I don't know where I'm going, I can't try and talk to anyone because if this really is a different world, they'll be living in it as well, they'll think I'm completely insane. Maybe I am, maybe I'm back in that institution. Why has this happened? I didn't ask for this, I was doing fine. I stop by a park and make my way to sit on the swings; the ones I remember pushing Dawn on. Something flickers in the corner of my eye and when I turn around I see two figures standing a small distance away. They're actually gold and blue, they aren't solid I can see through them but this doesn't make them any less there, right in front of my eyes.
"I know you." I tell them as I stop nearer to them than before. They do seem familiar, but there's a memory block in my head and I don't know why they feel familiar.
"Indeed warrior, or former warrior, whichever." I think it was the female who spoke.
"Do you know what's going on? What's happened to me?"
"We do know yes." The male one replied.
"You need to learn some things Buffy Summers." The female continued.
"Learn? Learn what things? This isn't my life, I want mine back."
"Silence! You will listen to us. You have to learn." She said impatiently.
"This is a glimpse Buffy Summers, you have to see it, have to learn; for some things are not as they should be. You have to see and you will. This is a glimpse of what your life would have been like should you have taken a different path. You have to figure out the rest for yourself." Here he seemed to pause, waiting for me to say something?
"So, this is what my life would have been like? How am I meant to stay here, I don't know this life, it isn't mine."
"You will learn."
"Take me back, please." I asked them, too tired to really shout or yell.
"When it is time, but first you have to see." They turned as if to leave and I could see them getting even more faint. They were going.
"Tell me more, I need to know more. You can't just leave me here. How can I talk to you.?"
"You cannot." The male one said, replying only to my last question.
"Wait, how long exactly?" Desperate to know more before they completely vanished.
"As long as it takes." I turned around to see the owner of the third voice. I knew her,
"It's you."
"It is Buffy. You remember you brought this on yourself."
"Huh?" I asked, remembering her words to me.
" 'I've got everything I need' sound familiar Buffy?"
"So because.because I was a bit full of myself I get stuck having a permanent trip, and a much less fun one at that! I'm freaking out here!"
"It was that mugging situation that did it. That was a good thing you did Buffy, and it impressed them, it's been a while since you did anything like that. Put someone else first."
"I saved the world for goodness sake, I think I earned my time away from fighting."
"Yes, but it made an impression." I didn't say anything, just stared at her. The Powers sure were messing about with my life. "This is a glimpse Buffy."
"I know they said." I gestured to where the oracles had been a few minutes ago.
"As long as you know, like they said, you've got some things to figure out."
"But how long, I can't be here."
"As long as it takes, and in your case, that might be a while." I was about to reply but when I looked up she was gone as well, leaving me by myself. I sat on the hard ground thinking. Despite the 'family' that would be waiting for me, I felt alone, completely alone.
When I got back to the car there were three presents sat on the passenger seat. I supposed I could use them as my excuse for when I got back. I really didn't want to go back but it didn't seem like I had a choice, I didn't have anywhere else to go and if I couldn't get back to my life without going back there I might as well. That way I'd get back to my own life quicker. I couldn't remember where the house was but when I finally got back, I walked quietly to the kitchen. Angel was on the phone and when he saw me he looked relieved.
"Never mind, because, because she's just walked in. Yes, thank you, goodbye." He came over and pulled me to him in what could have been a painful hug, had I not had slayer strength. "I was so worried. Where were you Buffy? I've been calling everyone, our friends, the police, and the hospitals. What's going on?" He looked terrible and I felt bad for the first time for leaving that morning.
"I'm sorry, I.." I couldn't think of anything that I could say that would help. I couldn't be his Buffy, I wasn't his and I couldn't be me either. What could I say to explain? I knew I couldn't so I opted for non- explanation, of both my problems; being stuck here, and also the other thing; why I had disappeared.
"You missed everything; the pancakes and the presents; you were so excited about getting Ashley that bike but you didn't even see her face when she opened it; you missed Christmas Buffy." There wasn't too much I could say really, maybe I could get through this if I didn't make a fuss, plus then no one would have to declare me insane.
"I know," I said quietly, "Did they have fun?" I asked, positive that his Buffy would have wanted to know.
"Yes, Ash loved her bike and I know James won't remember it but he had fun just the same, though he was mostly taken by all the wrapping paper." I smiled, babies were always like that, the paper was always more interesting to them, and I didn't want to seem even stranger. Everyone likes babies, though I'm not sure about being a mother to one myself, it's easier when they're someone else's, but I suppose that his Buffy is good with them.she's had two.
I'm not sure whether I was jealous of her or what exactly. She had everything I didn't have but I was sure that I hadn't wanted this yesterday. Or maybe I did want a family at some point but then, I wasn't really looking for a guy in any real way. It was my fault. Before, I'd only ever imagined having a family with Angel but since I'd lost that chance by running away from it I couldn't seem to see a family anymore. I hate how he still affects me, even though I try to pretend he never existed. "You remember how he liked the paper last year too?" I nodded, what else could I do, the baby probably hadn't been very old at the time. Angel gave me the answer to that, "He was only two months old then."
"It doesn't feel that long." I decided on a bland obvious statement.
"No, it doesn't. Buffy are you okay, you aren't sick are you?" I looked up at him and he looked worried, he looked sweet when he was worried. I half wished that someone could be that concerned about me in the real world but stopped myself. I didn't need Angel and even if I did, he wouldn't want to know so it was a pointless idea. He wouldn't want to know. And he probably had someone anyway. "Buffy?"
"Oh, yeah I'm okay, I think."
"You just don't seem like yourself. Is there anything you want to talk about?"
"No, there's nothing." It wasn't as if I could even try to tell him the truth.
"Would you like a coffee then? We can curl up on the sofa for a while?" He seemed so earnest and I couldn't help but return his smile, I nodded.
"Are the kids asleep?" I asked a little while later.
"Yeah, they were tired out, way too much excitement." He pulled me closer to him where we were on the couch and I relaxed in his arms. All snuggled together like that I was relaxed for the first time since this had happened. My mind was trying to tell me not to get too comfortable here, not to let Angel back into my head because it would be so hard when I did leave. But that was easier said than done. Who knew how long it'd be before they take me back? It was going to be impossible to be this near to Angel, actually being his wife and the mother of his kids and to not accept that I wanted and needed him with me forever.
"Are you sure you're okay Buffy?" He asked a bit later. I studied him carefully, wondering how much he could tell about what I was thinking; obviously it wasn't too much because he wasn't acting like he thought I was crazy, just as if I were ill or something.
"Yeah, I'm okay, tired; just tired."
"Yeah I am a little, we better get to bed else we'll never be up for tomorrows madness." He said, clearing the mugs of half drunken coffee from the table and taking them into the kitchen.
"What madness?" I asked when he returned a second later.
"Come on, there's no way you've forgotten. You arrange this every year. The day after Christmas with all our friends and their families, which I've come to term the 'madness'." I smile trying to look like I know what he's talking about.
"Right, I'm just tired you know."
"Are you sure you're not sick or anything?" He asked again as I made my way to the stairs. I turned round and saw his face full of concern, and the love in his eyes. My heart was doing little jumps, it really wasn't going to be any good when I got back to my life and had to remember how to forget him all over again. I nodded and began climbing.
Tbc......
Come on, you know you want to give feedback!
- Becca.
Wait, I didn't drink anything last night, I'd been too tired to do anything except sleep, thankful for it. The only things in my head were that strange girl and the inexplicable echoing words of the previous night's drunken dream. "Prepare yourself." I hadn't drunk anything and now I was pretty sure I was fully awake. What the hell was going on? Angel moved even closer, now waking up as well. He nuzzled into my neck, kissing my shoulder as he held me to him. Something very weird was going on, Angel didn't seem to think it was though; he seemed very.at home, completely relaxed. Which was far from what I was.
"What time is it?" He asked sleepily, muffled by my hair. I didn't answer right away, getting way past freaked out I only remembered he'd asked a question when he murmured, "Hhmmmm?" Deciding I better say something, you know before I ran for the hills, all I could manage was,
"E-early I think." He kept his hold on me and moving his head a little he whispered in my ear,
"Ten more minutes." And then after hearing a thudding noise from somewhere else; "Never mind, prepare yourself." Though I could hear the humour in his voice I found none in what he'd said. I pulled away to look at him properly and my breath caught. He was still gorgeous, my gorgeous Angel. What the hell was going on? He looked at me quizzically for a second but was prevented from saying anything by the small person that suddenly appeared on the bed. Bouncing up and down above us was a small girl, maybe four or five. She had blonde hair and unmistakable brown eyes. She couldn't be.yet I knew that she was and she confirmed my thoughts when she then started shouting,
"Mommy, mommy! Daddy, daddy! It's Christmas! Christmas! Pwesents! Get up mom, lets have pwesents." At which point she stopped shouting and continued bouncing by our heads. I closed my eyes; I'm still asleep; that's the only answer. I was having a very real dream about Angel and our daughter. Distantly I thought I could hear a baby crying and Angel nudged me,
"Come one sleepy head, its Christmas and it sounds like James wants his mommy." I opened my eyes in alarm, two kids, not just one. Angel must have taken my expression for something else since he then said quickly, "Okay, his daddy, he wants his daddy then." He climbed out of bed leaving a cold draft and picked the little girl off the bed. "Come on Ash, let Mommy get up and I'll go make us breakfast." She looked back at me and I managed an awkward smile.
"Pwesents?" She asked.
"Yeah, we can do presents then." He told her and she seemed satisfied with this and left the room, I could hear her running down the stairs and Angel calling after her. I sat up, what was I going to do? This isn't my life; something really serious was going on. I didn't recall any run in with a demon that could have somehow transplanted me into a different world or me into crazy Buffy. I was vaguely aware that the baby's crying had stopped and a minute later Angel was back with the baby on his hip. He couldn't have been much older than a year. "I almost forgot," Angel said as he leaned in towards me and kissed me softly on my lips. "Merry Christmas my love." And then at the door, "I'll make us some coffee. Don't be too long or you'll miss all the fun." And with that he was gone. What a relief, I jumped out of bed and began rummaging in the wardrobe on the other side of the room, it sure wasn't a big room, and I pulled on some jeans and a random top. I knew there was no use in pinching myself; Angel, the little girl and that crying baby were all too real. What the hell was going on?
As I reached the bottom of the stairs I could hear the excitement from the little girl in the living room. I grabbed the jacket by the door and with little regret I grabbed the keys that were thankfully on a hook by the door and I got out of the house. It was like escaping, after all, I didn't belong there, I didn't even know where here was. I looked at the van in the drive and almost laughed. Why wouldn't we have a van like that, it's a perfectly typical car for a typical family. That was forgetting one thing of course, that this wasn't my family; I didn't have a frigging family.
When I started the engine Angel must have heard because he appeared at the door, the most confused look on his face. I imagine it's still there as I back out and drive away. It doesn't take me long to figure out that I'm in Sunnydale, ugh Sunnydale. I haven't been here for eight years. It's changed, it looks more normal now, not that it looked weird before but it always had this atmosphere and I can tell just from the sitting in this car that that's gone. I don't know where I'm going, I can't try and talk to anyone because if this really is a different world, they'll be living in it as well, they'll think I'm completely insane. Maybe I am, maybe I'm back in that institution. Why has this happened? I didn't ask for this, I was doing fine. I stop by a park and make my way to sit on the swings; the ones I remember pushing Dawn on. Something flickers in the corner of my eye and when I turn around I see two figures standing a small distance away. They're actually gold and blue, they aren't solid I can see through them but this doesn't make them any less there, right in front of my eyes.
"I know you." I tell them as I stop nearer to them than before. They do seem familiar, but there's a memory block in my head and I don't know why they feel familiar.
"Indeed warrior, or former warrior, whichever." I think it was the female who spoke.
"Do you know what's going on? What's happened to me?"
"We do know yes." The male one replied.
"You need to learn some things Buffy Summers." The female continued.
"Learn? Learn what things? This isn't my life, I want mine back."
"Silence! You will listen to us. You have to learn." She said impatiently.
"This is a glimpse Buffy Summers, you have to see it, have to learn; for some things are not as they should be. You have to see and you will. This is a glimpse of what your life would have been like should you have taken a different path. You have to figure out the rest for yourself." Here he seemed to pause, waiting for me to say something?
"So, this is what my life would have been like? How am I meant to stay here, I don't know this life, it isn't mine."
"You will learn."
"Take me back, please." I asked them, too tired to really shout or yell.
"When it is time, but first you have to see." They turned as if to leave and I could see them getting even more faint. They were going.
"Tell me more, I need to know more. You can't just leave me here. How can I talk to you.?"
"You cannot." The male one said, replying only to my last question.
"Wait, how long exactly?" Desperate to know more before they completely vanished.
"As long as it takes." I turned around to see the owner of the third voice. I knew her,
"It's you."
"It is Buffy. You remember you brought this on yourself."
"Huh?" I asked, remembering her words to me.
" 'I've got everything I need' sound familiar Buffy?"
"So because.because I was a bit full of myself I get stuck having a permanent trip, and a much less fun one at that! I'm freaking out here!"
"It was that mugging situation that did it. That was a good thing you did Buffy, and it impressed them, it's been a while since you did anything like that. Put someone else first."
"I saved the world for goodness sake, I think I earned my time away from fighting."
"Yes, but it made an impression." I didn't say anything, just stared at her. The Powers sure were messing about with my life. "This is a glimpse Buffy."
"I know they said." I gestured to where the oracles had been a few minutes ago.
"As long as you know, like they said, you've got some things to figure out."
"But how long, I can't be here."
"As long as it takes, and in your case, that might be a while." I was about to reply but when I looked up she was gone as well, leaving me by myself. I sat on the hard ground thinking. Despite the 'family' that would be waiting for me, I felt alone, completely alone.
When I got back to the car there were three presents sat on the passenger seat. I supposed I could use them as my excuse for when I got back. I really didn't want to go back but it didn't seem like I had a choice, I didn't have anywhere else to go and if I couldn't get back to my life without going back there I might as well. That way I'd get back to my own life quicker. I couldn't remember where the house was but when I finally got back, I walked quietly to the kitchen. Angel was on the phone and when he saw me he looked relieved.
"Never mind, because, because she's just walked in. Yes, thank you, goodbye." He came over and pulled me to him in what could have been a painful hug, had I not had slayer strength. "I was so worried. Where were you Buffy? I've been calling everyone, our friends, the police, and the hospitals. What's going on?" He looked terrible and I felt bad for the first time for leaving that morning.
"I'm sorry, I.." I couldn't think of anything that I could say that would help. I couldn't be his Buffy, I wasn't his and I couldn't be me either. What could I say to explain? I knew I couldn't so I opted for non- explanation, of both my problems; being stuck here, and also the other thing; why I had disappeared.
"You missed everything; the pancakes and the presents; you were so excited about getting Ashley that bike but you didn't even see her face when she opened it; you missed Christmas Buffy." There wasn't too much I could say really, maybe I could get through this if I didn't make a fuss, plus then no one would have to declare me insane.
"I know," I said quietly, "Did they have fun?" I asked, positive that his Buffy would have wanted to know.
"Yes, Ash loved her bike and I know James won't remember it but he had fun just the same, though he was mostly taken by all the wrapping paper." I smiled, babies were always like that, the paper was always more interesting to them, and I didn't want to seem even stranger. Everyone likes babies, though I'm not sure about being a mother to one myself, it's easier when they're someone else's, but I suppose that his Buffy is good with them.she's had two.
I'm not sure whether I was jealous of her or what exactly. She had everything I didn't have but I was sure that I hadn't wanted this yesterday. Or maybe I did want a family at some point but then, I wasn't really looking for a guy in any real way. It was my fault. Before, I'd only ever imagined having a family with Angel but since I'd lost that chance by running away from it I couldn't seem to see a family anymore. I hate how he still affects me, even though I try to pretend he never existed. "You remember how he liked the paper last year too?" I nodded, what else could I do, the baby probably hadn't been very old at the time. Angel gave me the answer to that, "He was only two months old then."
"It doesn't feel that long." I decided on a bland obvious statement.
"No, it doesn't. Buffy are you okay, you aren't sick are you?" I looked up at him and he looked worried, he looked sweet when he was worried. I half wished that someone could be that concerned about me in the real world but stopped myself. I didn't need Angel and even if I did, he wouldn't want to know so it was a pointless idea. He wouldn't want to know. And he probably had someone anyway. "Buffy?"
"Oh, yeah I'm okay, I think."
"You just don't seem like yourself. Is there anything you want to talk about?"
"No, there's nothing." It wasn't as if I could even try to tell him the truth.
"Would you like a coffee then? We can curl up on the sofa for a while?" He seemed so earnest and I couldn't help but return his smile, I nodded.
"Are the kids asleep?" I asked a little while later.
"Yeah, they were tired out, way too much excitement." He pulled me closer to him where we were on the couch and I relaxed in his arms. All snuggled together like that I was relaxed for the first time since this had happened. My mind was trying to tell me not to get too comfortable here, not to let Angel back into my head because it would be so hard when I did leave. But that was easier said than done. Who knew how long it'd be before they take me back? It was going to be impossible to be this near to Angel, actually being his wife and the mother of his kids and to not accept that I wanted and needed him with me forever.
"Are you sure you're okay Buffy?" He asked a bit later. I studied him carefully, wondering how much he could tell about what I was thinking; obviously it wasn't too much because he wasn't acting like he thought I was crazy, just as if I were ill or something.
"Yeah, I'm okay, tired; just tired."
"Yeah I am a little, we better get to bed else we'll never be up for tomorrows madness." He said, clearing the mugs of half drunken coffee from the table and taking them into the kitchen.
"What madness?" I asked when he returned a second later.
"Come on, there's no way you've forgotten. You arrange this every year. The day after Christmas with all our friends and their families, which I've come to term the 'madness'." I smile trying to look like I know what he's talking about.
"Right, I'm just tired you know."
"Are you sure you're not sick or anything?" He asked again as I made my way to the stairs. I turned round and saw his face full of concern, and the love in his eyes. My heart was doing little jumps, it really wasn't going to be any good when I got back to my life and had to remember how to forget him all over again. I nodded and began climbing.
Tbc......
Come on, you know you want to give feedback!
- Becca.