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3. Home
Breathing hard I sat bolt upright in bed, my bed, and breathed relief. I was at home; it had just been a dream. But then, if it had been, why was there somebody moving beside me?
"Buffy? You okay?" He mumbled sleepily and I fell back onto the bed with a thump that woke him completely, though I hadn't meant to. For a second I had truly believed that I had dreamed it all and that I was waking up on Christmas morning at my apartment. I let out an involuntary sob and worked very hard not to break down. "Buffy?" This time his voice had more than a large amount of concern in it and I let him take me in his arms. "Bad dream?" I just nodded and tried to compose myself. I just couldn't help it. I didn't belong here, but then, 'here' was comforting. I was with Angel, in a way I would have loved to be with him, at least before. I wanted to go back but at the same time I found myself wanting what I didn't have there. Despite the fact that I didn't have this for the precise reason that I'd thrown it away, I couldn't help but wonder and wish things were different. It was only for a second, and then I told myself to get a grip, I was doing fine by myself. But even then there were these annoying little niggling voices telling me that I wasn't fine, that I was far from fine and in need of something in my 'world' that I knew I couldn't have any more. They were saying that I didn't belong here, but that I needed what I had here, Angel and the children.
"You aren't my mommy are you?" Ashley asked as I attempted to change James' diaper. It was pretty gross. I half turned around. She was very clever; I supposed that children were more open to different possibilities. I signed and decided I couldn't lie to her.
"No, I'm not, but your mommy loves you very much and I'm sure she'll be back very soon."
"When will she be back?"
"I'm not sure, it shouldn't be too long." Her chin quivered and I knew she was going to start crying in the next few seconds.
"Please don't cry she'll be back soon." She seemed to be thinking,
"Can you make chocolate milk?" I smiled; I'd loved chocolate milk when I was little.
"I think I can manage that." She nodded and slowly made her way toward me and then proceeded to instruct me on how to change James.
"So, Ashley, can you tell me exactly who's coming today?" I asked her later as I stood in the kitchen preparing food. At least I could do that okay.
"Well it's all your fwends and their kids who are my fwends, well some of them."
"Is it.Willow?" I asked, hoping that it was. Maybe her life here was a bit like hers in reality and then at least I'd know something about it, about her.
"Yep, Aunt Willow and uncie Oz." Okay so that was the same, Oz had come back for the End of Days and I think Willow didn't want to endanger anyone else who didn't know about the hellmouth by involving them with the monsters, I think she blamed herself for Tara. And she still loved him so.
"Do they have a son called Giles?" I asked her, he'd have been five years old this year.
"Yep he's six and he's vewy annoying." Huh, he was a bit older here. "They have a girl too. That's Anna she's five same age as me and she's my fwend." I smiled at her, they have a girl, I don't remember Willow telling me that, and I'm sure she would have. I guess they didn't have a girl.in my world.
"Who else? Xander and Anya?"
"Yeah, you're vewy good at this. They have a boy too, that's Will, and he's six too."
"That's it right? No one else?" I asked, not expecting anymore, I was trying to calculate how much food I needed to make.
"No there's more there's more!" She told me, obviously worried that I didn't know.
"Really? Okay who are they then?"
"Wellw, there's Grandpa Giles and auntie Olivia." I stopped dead; they were here? Were they visiting from England or.
"Ashley, do they live here in Sunnydale too?" She nodded, chomping on a piece of carrot that I'd left on the side. "They don't live in England here." I said quietly to myself. "Do they have any children?" They did in my life. And she nodded again,
"Elizabeth, she's only three but she's sweet." I smiled; huh, she was two in 'my' world. Giles had written that he'd wanted call her Buffy for short but that Olivia wouldn't let him. I'm glad she did, poor girl, she didn't have to get stuck with that name as well.
"Okay, so we've got, Willow, Oz and Giles and Anna. Xander, Anya and Will and Gi.Grandpa Giles, Olivia and Elizabeth. That's it right?" Ashley shook her head, "No? Who else?" This was getting stupid. No wonder Angel calls it the 'madness' with that lot and more coming. How do they all fit in this house?
"Aunt Dawn." She told me before jumping off her stool.
"She's not working?"
"No, she couldn't come yesterday so she's coming today. I fink that's what it is. Is that okay?"
"Oh yeah sure honey, thanks, you can go play.or whatever." I added to myself. I had a sudden thought and went to find Angel who was clearing the living room so that there was more space in the centre of the room. James was sat in his bouncer watching him intently.
"Angel? Do you remember whether anyone was going to bring food this year?" He looked up at me, a bit distracted by trying to move the sofa. "Would you like some help?" He shook his head. Men.
"No it's okay. Um, I'm not sure doesn't Willow normally bring some stuff? You always insisted you could do it all by yourself for the day after Christmas get together but."
"She brings stuff anyway." He smiled in affirmation and I returned to the kitchen. Thankful that Angel hadn't thought my inquiry was anything out of the ordinary.
I'd dressed in the nicest dress I could find and Angel watched me walk down the stairs, smiling in that way he has that made me feel like million dollars.
"You look beautiful." He said kissing me and I thanked him. "So do you sweetie." He told Ashley when she appeared behind me. I'd helped her pick out her dress and she did look adorable. He passed me James; I was getting a bit more comfortable holding him and being with Ashley for that matter. The doorbell rang and we were suddenly invaded by a lot of bodies, both large and small. Willow and Oz and their two children were first through the door.
"Hi Buffy! Hello James." Willow said as we hugged and as she started talking to James in some very silly sounding baby talk. She still looked pretty much the same. I'd decided that acting like everything was normal would be easiest; just as long as none of them brought up things I had no idea about.
"Hey Will, you all okay?" She nodded but was prevented from answering when two small people came running in and hugged me at the same time. "Hi guys!"
"Hi aunt Buffy." I tried to get a better look at them but they seemed to disappear as quickly, when they went off with Ashley down the hall. I said hello to Oz, who was thankfully still a man of few words and a second later. Xander came through the door. I kissed him and Anya hello while their son Will who was obviously dying to join the other kids, said a very quick and muffled hello and then raced off.
"Buffy, I'll just put these in the kitchen." Willow told me before she disappeared, though briefly in her case.
"Okay," I said smiling; it was strange how much effect just being around them for a few seconds had on me. "Guys, make yourselves at home."
"When do we not?" Xander joked. And they went straight into the living room where I could hear Angel offering drinks, both alcoholic and not, depending on who was driving. I didn't have too much time to think about anything else because I felt a tap on my shoulder and Dawn was stood right there when I turned around. I quickly pulled her into a hug, which she returned.
"Hey Dawnie, I missed you."
"Missed you too, you know if I'm going to get a greeting like that I think I'll come more often. Hey James, you've got so big." She cuddled him for a minute and grinned as we looked at each other.
"It would be great to see you more, we all miss you. I suppose you're working hard as usual?"
"Oh yes, I love working at the firm, it is a lot of work but I love it all the same." She was a lawyer here too; she was obviously doing what she was meant to be doing.
"I'm glad, so, met any interesting people?" I asked; she knew what I was getting at.
"No I haven't met any particularly interesting guys lately but when I do I'll be sure to tell you immediately." I could hear the slight sarcasm in her voice but one look at her grin told me she was joking.
"But you would tell me right?" I found myself unable to stop asking her the things I wished I did ask her. I do wish I saw her more.
"Where is my favourite niece then?" She passed James back to me where he was placed on my hip and actually stayed in that position for most of the day; when he wasn't sleeping. I think it was because he was Angel's son, our son, that I suddenly wanted to keep him with me most of the time. Maybe it was knowing that once I left I'd never get to hold him again, I don't know. I directed Dawn down the hall to where the kids were making a lot of noise. The last to appear at the door were Olivia and Giles, who was carrying Elizabeth.
"Buffy!" Giles exclaimed, and we hugged, as much as we were able to, holding the babies. I hugged Olivia hello too, which felt completely natural as well. And I got a good look at Ellie, as she was called, much better than Buffy in my opinion but whatever. She was beautiful and I again regretted only ever seeing her picture before, in my world that is.
"Hi Ellie, wow you got so big!" Not original but there you go and Giles and Olivia didn't seem to notice anything odd about it.
"Yes, she's growing so quickly, I sometimes feel she grows out of clothes every other day!" Olivia told me and I nodded, feigning understanding.
"You look great," I told them as they came in.
"As do you, you look very well Buffy."
"Yeah, thanks, I am." Well? What was I supposed to say to that? 'Actually Giles I've been feeling a bit funny since I woke up yesterday in what to me is a completely different reality? I actually live by myself in LA and have my own martial arts school.' I don't think so.
"And James, he looks like his father every day." I smiled and nodded, this time really agreeing. James did look just like Angel. He had the same deep brown eyes and dark hair. He was quite happy with all the attention, and then even happier when his daddy appeared.
"Someone mention me?" He said smiling and saying hello to Giles, Olivia and Ellie. They too were ushered into the living room where everyone seemed to be having a good time. Laughing at what I suspected was another one of Xanders's bad jokes.
The day went pretty fast, and I think it was partly because I was actually having fun. I was with my friends, people so close to me that they had become family and who I'd cut out of my own life too many years ago. I missed being with them and the party was fun because I was there with them. Yes, I felt slightly out of their group but that was only from my perspective because I didn't think any one of them noticed anything strange about my behaviour. I guess all the difference was on the inside and I must have been very good at acting like Angel's wife and mother of two children Buffy.
And very thankfully, there weren't really any moments when I had no idea what they were talking about. If there were separate conversations going on I'd join one in the middle and have someone tell me what they were talking about. And fortunately for me there weren't too many instances were I knew nothing about what they were saying. I steered clear of a conversation Xander and Willow were having about the children's schools and then there was one awkward moment when Anya mentioned having another baby and said they might try IVF and expected me to remember that fact and why but I got past it by telling her of course I remembered, that I was just distracted and told her to carry on. She didn't really need any more encouragement. Anya never was one to turn down an offer to carry on talking about her or this case her and her family. But she seemed happy and I was glad she was. In fact they all seemed happy.
As I had done too many times before I saw the differences between their lives and mine, alone. When I usually started thinking about that I distracted myself with work and told myself that was the reason I hadn't seen them or their families for so long. I know it was selfish, I did want them to be happy, I guess that it was my subconscious telling me just how much I envied them and I hated myself for it.
However, it was a bit easier to see them here. Here, I had everything, the family I always hoped I might have and I didn't need to be as jealous as I might have been. But still, there was this voice telling me this wasn't my life, I didn't belong here and the differences between our lives were still just as big as they ever were. It just seemed easier to pretend that wasn't the truth while I could hear our daughter playing with the other children and while I held our son on my hip.
After Angel and I cleaned much later, the children put to bed, I collapsed on the couch. It's surprising how a party like that can take it out of you. I really wouldn't have thought it could. Then again, those who know what I'm talking about will have thrown numerous similar events. I hadn't. For no conscious reason I find myself sobbing, not crying, just trying to. And I knew why, it was because however different or similar my friend's lives are here to what they are in 'my world' I've missed too much. Missed too much of not only what I could have had but of their lives as well. And it's highlighted how much I don't have in my life. I don't have a family like this and I don't really have my friends anymore. I left them too and I've missed out on their lives as well as my own. I'm vaguely aware of Angel sitting down and holding me. He's rocking me back and forth and asking what's wrong. What's wrong? What a good question. But I can't tell him the truth. I shake my head.
"Sweetheart, if I don't know what it is I can't help. I love you, tell me what it is."
"I don't know." I finally tell him and I know he's confused, but it's less complicated than the truth. He continued rocking me, kissing me and however much I fought it I found myself feeling increasingly at home. I'm not sure whether it was being in Angels arms or him kissing me or telling me how much he loved me, I suspect at was all of those things, I felt more and more at home. It felt so natural, I felt like it was where I belonged and I stopped fighting it. I felt alive, more alive than I had for.well I felt happy and alive and though those annoying voices were still there, they were getting more and more distant by the second. I was home.
Tbc.......
That alright? : )
- Becca.
3. Home
Breathing hard I sat bolt upright in bed, my bed, and breathed relief. I was at home; it had just been a dream. But then, if it had been, why was there somebody moving beside me?
"Buffy? You okay?" He mumbled sleepily and I fell back onto the bed with a thump that woke him completely, though I hadn't meant to. For a second I had truly believed that I had dreamed it all and that I was waking up on Christmas morning at my apartment. I let out an involuntary sob and worked very hard not to break down. "Buffy?" This time his voice had more than a large amount of concern in it and I let him take me in his arms. "Bad dream?" I just nodded and tried to compose myself. I just couldn't help it. I didn't belong here, but then, 'here' was comforting. I was with Angel, in a way I would have loved to be with him, at least before. I wanted to go back but at the same time I found myself wanting what I didn't have there. Despite the fact that I didn't have this for the precise reason that I'd thrown it away, I couldn't help but wonder and wish things were different. It was only for a second, and then I told myself to get a grip, I was doing fine by myself. But even then there were these annoying little niggling voices telling me that I wasn't fine, that I was far from fine and in need of something in my 'world' that I knew I couldn't have any more. They were saying that I didn't belong here, but that I needed what I had here, Angel and the children.
"You aren't my mommy are you?" Ashley asked as I attempted to change James' diaper. It was pretty gross. I half turned around. She was very clever; I supposed that children were more open to different possibilities. I signed and decided I couldn't lie to her.
"No, I'm not, but your mommy loves you very much and I'm sure she'll be back very soon."
"When will she be back?"
"I'm not sure, it shouldn't be too long." Her chin quivered and I knew she was going to start crying in the next few seconds.
"Please don't cry she'll be back soon." She seemed to be thinking,
"Can you make chocolate milk?" I smiled; I'd loved chocolate milk when I was little.
"I think I can manage that." She nodded and slowly made her way toward me and then proceeded to instruct me on how to change James.
"So, Ashley, can you tell me exactly who's coming today?" I asked her later as I stood in the kitchen preparing food. At least I could do that okay.
"Well it's all your fwends and their kids who are my fwends, well some of them."
"Is it.Willow?" I asked, hoping that it was. Maybe her life here was a bit like hers in reality and then at least I'd know something about it, about her.
"Yep, Aunt Willow and uncie Oz." Okay so that was the same, Oz had come back for the End of Days and I think Willow didn't want to endanger anyone else who didn't know about the hellmouth by involving them with the monsters, I think she blamed herself for Tara. And she still loved him so.
"Do they have a son called Giles?" I asked her, he'd have been five years old this year.
"Yep he's six and he's vewy annoying." Huh, he was a bit older here. "They have a girl too. That's Anna she's five same age as me and she's my fwend." I smiled at her, they have a girl, I don't remember Willow telling me that, and I'm sure she would have. I guess they didn't have a girl.in my world.
"Who else? Xander and Anya?"
"Yeah, you're vewy good at this. They have a boy too, that's Will, and he's six too."
"That's it right? No one else?" I asked, not expecting anymore, I was trying to calculate how much food I needed to make.
"No there's more there's more!" She told me, obviously worried that I didn't know.
"Really? Okay who are they then?"
"Wellw, there's Grandpa Giles and auntie Olivia." I stopped dead; they were here? Were they visiting from England or.
"Ashley, do they live here in Sunnydale too?" She nodded, chomping on a piece of carrot that I'd left on the side. "They don't live in England here." I said quietly to myself. "Do they have any children?" They did in my life. And she nodded again,
"Elizabeth, she's only three but she's sweet." I smiled; huh, she was two in 'my' world. Giles had written that he'd wanted call her Buffy for short but that Olivia wouldn't let him. I'm glad she did, poor girl, she didn't have to get stuck with that name as well.
"Okay, so we've got, Willow, Oz and Giles and Anna. Xander, Anya and Will and Gi.Grandpa Giles, Olivia and Elizabeth. That's it right?" Ashley shook her head, "No? Who else?" This was getting stupid. No wonder Angel calls it the 'madness' with that lot and more coming. How do they all fit in this house?
"Aunt Dawn." She told me before jumping off her stool.
"She's not working?"
"No, she couldn't come yesterday so she's coming today. I fink that's what it is. Is that okay?"
"Oh yeah sure honey, thanks, you can go play.or whatever." I added to myself. I had a sudden thought and went to find Angel who was clearing the living room so that there was more space in the centre of the room. James was sat in his bouncer watching him intently.
"Angel? Do you remember whether anyone was going to bring food this year?" He looked up at me, a bit distracted by trying to move the sofa. "Would you like some help?" He shook his head. Men.
"No it's okay. Um, I'm not sure doesn't Willow normally bring some stuff? You always insisted you could do it all by yourself for the day after Christmas get together but."
"She brings stuff anyway." He smiled in affirmation and I returned to the kitchen. Thankful that Angel hadn't thought my inquiry was anything out of the ordinary.
I'd dressed in the nicest dress I could find and Angel watched me walk down the stairs, smiling in that way he has that made me feel like million dollars.
"You look beautiful." He said kissing me and I thanked him. "So do you sweetie." He told Ashley when she appeared behind me. I'd helped her pick out her dress and she did look adorable. He passed me James; I was getting a bit more comfortable holding him and being with Ashley for that matter. The doorbell rang and we were suddenly invaded by a lot of bodies, both large and small. Willow and Oz and their two children were first through the door.
"Hi Buffy! Hello James." Willow said as we hugged and as she started talking to James in some very silly sounding baby talk. She still looked pretty much the same. I'd decided that acting like everything was normal would be easiest; just as long as none of them brought up things I had no idea about.
"Hey Will, you all okay?" She nodded but was prevented from answering when two small people came running in and hugged me at the same time. "Hi guys!"
"Hi aunt Buffy." I tried to get a better look at them but they seemed to disappear as quickly, when they went off with Ashley down the hall. I said hello to Oz, who was thankfully still a man of few words and a second later. Xander came through the door. I kissed him and Anya hello while their son Will who was obviously dying to join the other kids, said a very quick and muffled hello and then raced off.
"Buffy, I'll just put these in the kitchen." Willow told me before she disappeared, though briefly in her case.
"Okay," I said smiling; it was strange how much effect just being around them for a few seconds had on me. "Guys, make yourselves at home."
"When do we not?" Xander joked. And they went straight into the living room where I could hear Angel offering drinks, both alcoholic and not, depending on who was driving. I didn't have too much time to think about anything else because I felt a tap on my shoulder and Dawn was stood right there when I turned around. I quickly pulled her into a hug, which she returned.
"Hey Dawnie, I missed you."
"Missed you too, you know if I'm going to get a greeting like that I think I'll come more often. Hey James, you've got so big." She cuddled him for a minute and grinned as we looked at each other.
"It would be great to see you more, we all miss you. I suppose you're working hard as usual?"
"Oh yes, I love working at the firm, it is a lot of work but I love it all the same." She was a lawyer here too; she was obviously doing what she was meant to be doing.
"I'm glad, so, met any interesting people?" I asked; she knew what I was getting at.
"No I haven't met any particularly interesting guys lately but when I do I'll be sure to tell you immediately." I could hear the slight sarcasm in her voice but one look at her grin told me she was joking.
"But you would tell me right?" I found myself unable to stop asking her the things I wished I did ask her. I do wish I saw her more.
"Where is my favourite niece then?" She passed James back to me where he was placed on my hip and actually stayed in that position for most of the day; when he wasn't sleeping. I think it was because he was Angel's son, our son, that I suddenly wanted to keep him with me most of the time. Maybe it was knowing that once I left I'd never get to hold him again, I don't know. I directed Dawn down the hall to where the kids were making a lot of noise. The last to appear at the door were Olivia and Giles, who was carrying Elizabeth.
"Buffy!" Giles exclaimed, and we hugged, as much as we were able to, holding the babies. I hugged Olivia hello too, which felt completely natural as well. And I got a good look at Ellie, as she was called, much better than Buffy in my opinion but whatever. She was beautiful and I again regretted only ever seeing her picture before, in my world that is.
"Hi Ellie, wow you got so big!" Not original but there you go and Giles and Olivia didn't seem to notice anything odd about it.
"Yes, she's growing so quickly, I sometimes feel she grows out of clothes every other day!" Olivia told me and I nodded, feigning understanding.
"You look great," I told them as they came in.
"As do you, you look very well Buffy."
"Yeah, thanks, I am." Well? What was I supposed to say to that? 'Actually Giles I've been feeling a bit funny since I woke up yesterday in what to me is a completely different reality? I actually live by myself in LA and have my own martial arts school.' I don't think so.
"And James, he looks like his father every day." I smiled and nodded, this time really agreeing. James did look just like Angel. He had the same deep brown eyes and dark hair. He was quite happy with all the attention, and then even happier when his daddy appeared.
"Someone mention me?" He said smiling and saying hello to Giles, Olivia and Ellie. They too were ushered into the living room where everyone seemed to be having a good time. Laughing at what I suspected was another one of Xanders's bad jokes.
The day went pretty fast, and I think it was partly because I was actually having fun. I was with my friends, people so close to me that they had become family and who I'd cut out of my own life too many years ago. I missed being with them and the party was fun because I was there with them. Yes, I felt slightly out of their group but that was only from my perspective because I didn't think any one of them noticed anything strange about my behaviour. I guess all the difference was on the inside and I must have been very good at acting like Angel's wife and mother of two children Buffy.
And very thankfully, there weren't really any moments when I had no idea what they were talking about. If there were separate conversations going on I'd join one in the middle and have someone tell me what they were talking about. And fortunately for me there weren't too many instances were I knew nothing about what they were saying. I steered clear of a conversation Xander and Willow were having about the children's schools and then there was one awkward moment when Anya mentioned having another baby and said they might try IVF and expected me to remember that fact and why but I got past it by telling her of course I remembered, that I was just distracted and told her to carry on. She didn't really need any more encouragement. Anya never was one to turn down an offer to carry on talking about her or this case her and her family. But she seemed happy and I was glad she was. In fact they all seemed happy.
As I had done too many times before I saw the differences between their lives and mine, alone. When I usually started thinking about that I distracted myself with work and told myself that was the reason I hadn't seen them or their families for so long. I know it was selfish, I did want them to be happy, I guess that it was my subconscious telling me just how much I envied them and I hated myself for it.
However, it was a bit easier to see them here. Here, I had everything, the family I always hoped I might have and I didn't need to be as jealous as I might have been. But still, there was this voice telling me this wasn't my life, I didn't belong here and the differences between our lives were still just as big as they ever were. It just seemed easier to pretend that wasn't the truth while I could hear our daughter playing with the other children and while I held our son on my hip.
After Angel and I cleaned much later, the children put to bed, I collapsed on the couch. It's surprising how a party like that can take it out of you. I really wouldn't have thought it could. Then again, those who know what I'm talking about will have thrown numerous similar events. I hadn't. For no conscious reason I find myself sobbing, not crying, just trying to. And I knew why, it was because however different or similar my friend's lives are here to what they are in 'my world' I've missed too much. Missed too much of not only what I could have had but of their lives as well. And it's highlighted how much I don't have in my life. I don't have a family like this and I don't really have my friends anymore. I left them too and I've missed out on their lives as well as my own. I'm vaguely aware of Angel sitting down and holding me. He's rocking me back and forth and asking what's wrong. What's wrong? What a good question. But I can't tell him the truth. I shake my head.
"Sweetheart, if I don't know what it is I can't help. I love you, tell me what it is."
"I don't know." I finally tell him and I know he's confused, but it's less complicated than the truth. He continued rocking me, kissing me and however much I fought it I found myself feeling increasingly at home. I'm not sure whether it was being in Angels arms or him kissing me or telling me how much he loved me, I suspect at was all of those things, I felt more and more at home. It felt so natural, I felt like it was where I belonged and I stopped fighting it. I felt alive, more alive than I had for.well I felt happy and alive and though those annoying voices were still there, they were getting more and more distant by the second. I was home.
Tbc.......
That alright? : )
- Becca.