Scene 7
(Ascot finally lands on the island, with Mokona right behind him)
Ascot: (sees Ferio's rear and peeks at what he's looking at behind the bushes) Hello, nurses!
(Umi, Hikaru, and Fuu are frolicking in the pond.)
Ferio: Shut up! They'll hear you!
Umi: Aaah! Ferio! Ascot! Run!!
Ferio: No! Ladies! (runs after Umi, who turns into water, then Fuu, who turns into a tree) Oh, you guys are no fun.
Fuu: PERVERT! (smacks Ferio)
Ascot: Hey, where's Hikaru? (looks around and sees…LAFARGA!)
Lafarga: What? Did you really think Hikaru wanted to frolick around? I was her stunt…
Ferio: (shudders)
Ascot: (to Ferio) Um…I'm looking for a guy named Ferioctetes.
Ferio: (while taking a bite of the chocolate bowl, he spits everything out) Who the hell gave me that DAMN NAME?!!
Ascot: Um…well Clef…
Ferio: Damn it! Call me Ferio!
Mokona: Pu pu pu!
Ferio: (glares at Mokona) Mokonas! I hate them!
Ascot: Yes, well, Ferio. I was wondering if you could train me to be a hero.
Ferio: Twenty words- Get lost kid because I'm going to smack you with a big ruler and that large sword I always carry.
Ascot: (counts his fingers) Hey! It is twenty words!
Ferio: I ain't no stoo-pigeon.
Ascot: But, Ferio, if I don't become a hero, I'll never be able to rejoin my father Clef!
Ferio: (disbelieving) Clef? He's your father?
Ascot: I know, it's hard to believe, but it's the truth!
Ferio: (bursts out in laughter) He's your dada? Master Mage Clef?! (keeps laughing and imitates mini Ascot) Daddy, tell me a story…Hahaha! (imitates Clef, poorly) Once upon a time…I can't carry this book! It's too big for my small height! Ahahaha!
Ascot: Look, I really…
Clef: (sees what is happening) Why, that—
Presea: Now, Clef…
Ferio: Look, I don't care if Emeraude is your sister. That's because she's my sister, and I have 2 words for you…
Clef: YOU DIE!!! (throws lightning bolt at Ferio)
Ferio: Okay, Ascoteles, you win. Oh gods, oi vay…
Ascot: Yeah!
Ferio: (breaks into song)
I'd given up hope that someone would come along
A fella who'd ring the bell for once not the gong (sees Ascot banging a bell and
throws something at him)
STOP THAT!
Ascot: Ehehe…sorry…
Ferio: The kind who wins trophies
Won't settle for low fees
At least semipro fees
(at this point, a bunch of bird droppings fall on his head, and he gets very mad) WHO THE HELL IS DOING THAT?!?!?!
Fuu: They're called birds, Ferio. Birds!
Ferio: WHAT?!?!
Fuu: You're standing in the bird section! They're getting mad!
Ferio: OH NO!! MY OUTFIT! (a bird pecks him in the eye) MY EYE!
Ascot: RUN!
Ferio: BUT NO, I GET THE GREENHORN!
(pants, and finally gets to a quiet green pasture)
I've been out to pasture, pal, my ambition gone
Content to spend lazy days and to graze my lawn
(he looks behind him and sees a charging bull) AAAAAH!!!
Ascot: Um…do you need any help?
Ferio: No! I can handle this! (takes out his sword and slices the bull in two) Ahh….much better…
Aska: THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A KID MOVIE! YOU'RE BRUTALLY KILLING ANIMALS!
Ferio: Well, tell them to GET OUT OF MY DAMN WAY!
(clears throat) Now, where was I? Oh, right…
But you need an advisor
A satyr, but wiser
A good merchandiser and (tries to help Ascot levitate a huge piece of rock, but
Ascot drops it on top of Ferio's head) -- WHOA! THERE GOES MY ULCER!
(a few minutes later, after Ferio has been cleaned and rested)
Ferio: (sings faintly) I'm down to one last hope and I hope
it's you (points at Mokona)
Though, kid, you're not exactly a dream come true (Ascot took Ferio's hand and
points at himself)
I trained enough turkeys
Turkeys: GOBBLE GOBBLE!
Ferio: WHO PUT THESE ANIMALS OVER HERE?!
Hikaru: Oh, that was supposed to be dinner!
Ferio: (glares at Ascot, who smiles) Who never came through
You're my only last hope
So you'll have to do!
(scene fades and reopens to an outdoor court, with Ferio and Ascot out in the training grounds)
Ferio: Rule #6- When rescuing someone like Fuu, always handle with care. Or else she'll knock you off your broom and you're dead.
Ascot: (gulps and tries to rescue the imaginary Fuu but falls in the water)
Ferio: Fuu! Are you okay? Okay, next! (now, he's teaching Ascot to throw magic balls) Rule #95- CONCENTRATE!
Ascot: How can I when you're screaming right at my ear?!
Ferio: DO IT!
Ascot: (throws the magic balls and blasts a piece of a tree) There! Happy?!
Ferio: Rule #96- AIM! (points to a bunch of targets bunched together on the other side)
Demigods have faced the odds and ended up a mockery
Don't believe in the stories that you read on all the crockery
Ascot: Okay, okay, will you let me concentrate now?
(scene fades again and opens inside a small shop)
Ferio: (has a French hat on and is holding a paint brush)
To be a true hero, kid, is a dying art
Like painting a masterpiece (starts to scribble a bunch of lines) it's a work of
heart
Ascot: Uh…what's that supposed to be?
Ferio: Can't you tell? It's a tree! What's yours supposed to be? (a look at Ascot's painting and his mouth opens wide)
Ascot: It's supposed to depict Umi fighting with Tatra in their outfits. This was the part where Tatra first plunges in for the attack… (and, true enough, it was the picture)
Ferio: Ah…shaddup!
It takes more than sinew
Comes down to what's in you
You have to continue
To grow!
(smacks Ascot's head and sprinkles him with water) GROW DAMMIT!
Ascot: FERIO! (gets even taller than before) YOU'RE GONNA PAY FOR THIS!
Ferio: Now that's more like it!
(sings and opens up the hardest obstacle course he could afford) I'm down to one
last shot and my last high note
Before that blasted underworld gets my coat
Ascot: What do you want me to do with that jumprope? Use it as a weapon?
Ferio: Ehehe….(throws the jumprope out of the way) Forget
the jumprope.
My dreams are on you, kid
Go make 'em come true (pushed Ascot to the edge of the cliff)
Ascot: AAAAH!!!
Ferio: Climb that uphill slope
Keep pushing that envelope
Ascot: Ferio! This is impossible!
(he screams as he is getting chased by sharks and a ball of stone is floating on
top of him, ready to pound him to pieces) AAAH!!
Ferio: You're my one last hope
And, kid, it's up to…
HEY! Where'd he go? (looks around and sees Ascot behind him, breathing calmly) Ehehe…how ya doin' kid? Um…are you okay?
Ascot: Did you see that?! I better get to Mount Cephiro by this time…
Ferio: Alright, just take it easy, champ… first, we're going to practice archery.
Ascot: Archery? You never taught me how to shoot an arrow!
Ferio: Well, if Fuu could do it, then you can, too!
(hours later in the practice yards, Ferio is eating a Snickers bar)
Ferio: Hungry? Why wait? Have a Snickers! (bites into bar) This is so boring. Can't you ever get this bow and arrow thing right?
Ascot: (angry) How can I when you're not even teaching me anything?
Ferio: Uh…well…rule number whatever…AIM!
Ascot: Thanks for the rule…AGAIN! Sheesh…
Mokona: Pu pu pu!
Ascot: Where have you been? Okay, I'm ready now! Can we go to Thebes?
Ferio: You are so not ready. Get back to work!
Ascot: VIGOR!
Ferio: (chuckles nervously) Okay, we're ready. MOKONA!
Mokona: Pu pu pu! (forehead glitters and a flying contraption appears)
Ascot: (looks suspicious) Is that even safe?
Ferio: Who cares? I'm not riding it, you are!
Scene 8
(Ascot is humming, to Ferio's annoyance)
Ascot: I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts…dee dee dee dee…
Ferio: Will you shut up? You're getting on my nerves…(bites a Milky Way) Geeze, why am I even riding with you?
Ascot: Because Clef threatened you again.
(they hear a woman scream…well…they hear Lafarga's high-pitched scream)
Ferio: (blank) Oh, sounds like someone dying.
Ascot: Must be Lafarga.
(they hear another scream)
Ascot: Someone's in trouble! Mokona! Let's go!
Ferio: Sounds like your basic U.I.D! Aaah! Not too fast! It's only Umi In Distress!
Ascot: Umi? Faster, Mokona!
Mokona: Pu pu pu!
(Umi is running from Lantis dressed up as a centaur with Lafarga being at the end)
Lantis: (monotonously) Wait, you haven't answered yet.
Lafarga: Damn it, Lantis! You suck as an extra! Say it with more emotion!
Lantis: Gotcha! (grabs Umi) Ooh…I like them fiery! Uh…I mean…yeah…
Hikaru: (jealous) Lantis…
Lantis: It's only a movie, Hikaru.
Hikaru: Okay…
Umi: Put me down, you animal!
Lantis: Okay, just because I'm dressed like this does not mean I'm an animal, missy. This insult will not be looked unpunished.
Ascot: You're right, Ferio! It is Umi in trouble!
Ferio: Who cares? You're going to stay here and…Hey! Where are you going?! Get back here!
Ascot: (goes to Umi) Um…excuse me, Lantis, but you're going to have to unhand the lady.
Umi, Lantis, and Lafarga: Stay out of this!
Ascot: But, Umi, I thought you were in trouble? Hey, wait a minute…Is Lafarga in there, too?
Umi: (struggling) My name's Umi, I'm in distress, I can handle this, really.
Ascot: Really? Look, miss, you can just calm down, sir, I am asking you again, please put Umi down—
Lantis: Lightning Call!
Ascot: Hey! How dare you use my father's magic!
Clef: Morons…I taught him, you know.
Ferio: Humph…they don't listen, do they?
Lafarga: Let go of Umi, Lantis! The fight is on!
Ascot: Eww…no wonder you're both cranky…hey, Lafarga, how are you able to breath?
Lafarga: Ram into him, Lantis!
Lantis: Don't look at me, you're the feet.
Lafarga: That's it! I'm starting another brawl! (rams into Ascot and Umi flies out)
Ascot: (catches Umi) Are you okay, miss?
Umi: No thanks to you!
Ferio: (snickers)
Umi: What are you laughing at?
Ferio: Oh, nothing.
Ascot: Well, you wait here. I've got other business to attend to. Bring it on, Lantis and Lafarga!
Mokona: Pu pu pu! (plays the Death march theme)
Lafarga: Oh geeze, that's great music to hear.
Aska: (lauging) Yes! I might be able to cut another string!
Lafarga: Oh, no, not me again…
Ascot: Beast Summon! Yaah! (blasts horse costume away)
Lantis: NO! After all that work, you blew it in a matter of seconds!
Ferio: How much time did Lantis spend on that stupid horse costume?
Umi: (chuckles) 5 years.
Ferio and Umi: (blinks) AHAHAHA!
Lantis: DIE, ASCOT! LIGHTNING CALL!
Ascot: Aaah!
Lafarga: Oh, I've lost my oxygen…
Aska: Sang Yung! Scissors! (the sound of cut thread is heard, and Lafarga's scream is heard again)
Lafarga: Oops…I did it again…
Everyone: AAAH!
Aska: That's 1,000,000,002!
Elder: No, anything but that!
Umi: Hey! Lantis, you hurt Ascot!
Ascot: Oh, no, I'm fine. Don't worry…
Ferio: Hey! Get your sword!
Ascot: That's right! A hero's only as good as his weapon! (grabs a fish and starts squirting water at Lantis' eyes)
Umi: Stop! You've killed the fish!
Ascot: Oops…
Fish: Under the sea…under…the…ack!
Aska: Sang Yung! Scissors! Muahahaha!
Sang Yung: Poor fishie…
Lantis: You can't stop me with your mere childish games! Now prepare to suffer!
Umi: (getting angry) Is this guy for real?!
Ferio: Yeah, well, he'll do!
Umi: That's it. I'm stopping this right now.
Ferio: Aw…I wanted to see who would die next.
Umi: (goes over to Lantis and Ascot) Time's up! Break it up!
Ascot and Lantis: We're not done yet!
Umi: Mizu no Ryu!
Ascot and Lantis: Ah!
Lantis: I'm melting! Oh, what a world! Aaah!
Ascot: (blank) Lantis, stand up, you're alive.
Lantis: Oh, right. (raises a white flag) I give up! Aska, cut my thread already!
Aska: My pleasure! Sang Yung!
Sang Yung: Yes, Aska-sama.
Lantis: (screams) They're coming to take me away! They're coming to take me away!
Elder: The count is 1,000,000,004…
Ascot: Wow, miss, you weren't kidding when you said you could handle the situation.
Umi: Well, I am a Magic Knight.
Ascot: Oh…um…okay.
Umi: My name's Umi. Friends call me Umi, well at least they would if I had any friends.
Ascot: What's the difference?
Umi: I don't know. Ask Clef. So, did they give you a name along with those rippling pectorals? (flings her hair)
Ascot: (Uh…um…)
Umi: (sarcastically) Are you always this articulate?
Ascot: Hercules!
Umi: What?
Ascot: My name is Ascoteles.
Umi: Gee, that's nice.
Ascot: So, what brought you into Lantis' clutches.
Umi: Oh, he was dancing the Macarena and I told him he sucked.
Ascot: No wonder he attacked you…
Umi: And what brings you in the company of a marshmallow and a pervert?
Ferio: HEY!
Mokona: PU PU PU!
Ascot: Clef made me…
Umi: Aw…that's too bad.
Ascot: So, do you need a ride?
Ferio: Hell, no! We have no room!
Umi: That's okay, I'm a big strong girl. I can handle these things. Well, Ascot, it's been a real slice.
Ascot: Okay.
Ferio: Let's go!! (grabs Ascot and leaves with Mokona)
Umi: Yess…peace and quiet. (sees two oversized animals) Aw…how uncute. Who are you trying to fool?
Geo: Hey! I'm a BUNNY!
Zazu: Yeah, and I'm a squirrel!
Umi: No wonder I smelled a rat.
Zagato: Umi…
Umi: What do you want?
Zagato: Umi, my little flower, my little bird, my little dragoness, Umi.
Umi: Okay, enough adjectives, Zagato.
Zagato: (starting to get angry) What exactly happened here?
I thought you were going persuade Lantis and Lafarga to join my team for
the uprising, and here I am, kind of Lantis and Lafarga-less.
Umi: Look, I tried my best, but unfortunately, he got angry because I made fun
of him when he was dancing the Macarena.
Zagato: Okay, that's it! You've got two more years of becoming my servant!
Umi: It wasn't my fault. Ascoteles killed Lantis and Lafarga. Well, really, Aska did with the scissors, but everyone seems to want to blame Ascot and so here I am.
Zazu: Ascoteles…(starts to panic) Why does that name ring a bell?
Geo: Maybe we had to fix his machine? Or maybe it was the money? Or maybe…
Zagato: What was that name again?
Umi: Ascoteles, are you deaf? He comes on with this big, innocent farm boy routine but while trying to save me, he not only got me soaking wet but he killed your brother!
Geo: Wait a minute, wasn't Ascoteles the name of the person we were supposed to…
Zazu: OH NO!
Zagato: (hair bursts into flame and grabs Geo and Zazu) So you took care of him, huh? Dead as a door nail. Weren't those your exact words?
Geo: Well, we can explain. Maybe Umi was hallucinating. You know, with the water and all, it probably got to her brains…
Zazu: Remember, a few years ago every other boy said they had schizophrenia and the girls pretended they all had hallucination?
Zagato: I'm supposed to rearrange the cosmos, and this is what I get?! WHAT KIND OF MOVIE IS THIS?! (explodes and his power shoots out, burning the whole set)
Umi: (pulls Lafarga in front of her, and Lafarga gets hit) The kind where enemies always end up losing kind of movie.
Lafarga: …(the sounds of scissors cutting and his high pitched scream) I'M LONELY, OH SO LONELY…(the sound of Geo's gunshot)
Geo: Ahh…finally, I hit right…
Umi: No, you dolt, you hit the tree. The tree fell on Lafarga. That's why he's stopped.
Zagato: (smiles) Fortunately for you three, we can still right wrongs and triumph over evil. 'Cuz we are Sailor Moon, the champions of justice!
Umi, Geo, and Zazu: …