CHAPTER SEVEN: MORE RESEARCH
Willow dejectedly came back up the stairs and went into Buffy's bedroom once more, surprised to see everyone still standing there, listening to the Latin phrases coming from Buffy's lips. Willow had to admit it was a little disconcerting to hear her best friend reciting Latin, especially when there was a good chance that Buffy was in a lot of danger because of it.
"He's not home," Willow told the room despondently.
Everyone's faces seemed to fall as one.
Tara sighed and looked towards Willow who looked worried as she gazed at the blonde Slayer on the bed.
"M-maybe we should start re-researching again," she suggested quietly.
Willow nodded, as did Dawn, anguish to help her sister however she could. Xander and Anya moved as one towards the door. Xander took out a handful of books and placed them beside Wesley's chair.
"You should probably stay here man. You're about the only one who's keeping her calm."
They left Cordy and Wesley with Buffy. Cordy put a gentle hand on the British man's shoulder.
"Call if you need any help, okay?"
Wesley nodded and picked up one of the books Xander had left. For a brief second, his thoughts flashed back to LA. He hadn't had a single thought about harming Fred since he had heard Cordy tell him that Buffy was dying. Amazing what a little distraction will do to you.
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For five hours straight, the Gang researched. Pizza's were ordered and delivered, the group was fed and their breaks consisted of five minute intervals with the Slayer who was still muttering under her breath. It was always the same Latin phrases or a whimpering of her Watcher's name. Wesley had quickly drowned out the sound, but whenever he heard Giles name called, he felt his heart breaking for the young girl.
He couldn't understand why Giles could possibly leave her when she so desperately needed him there. He had heard from Angel that the young Slayer had been in hell, but apparently Angel had been misinformed. He wondered whether Buffy had lied outright to her former lover or if Angel had merely presumed that she had been suffering. It was far easier to accept Buffy's third chance at life if one thought that she had been suffering. But to try and come to terms with the fact that the girl had been in heaven was almost too much for the ex-Watcher. It seemed interminably cruel.
He was disturbed from his reverie as he heard a thunderous roar of feet bounding up the stairs. He looked up at the doorway expectantly.
"Did you find anything?" he asked.
Willow came in holding an open book and handed it over to Wesley to read.
He looked briefly at the cover, startled to be holding not a Watcher's diary, but a Slayer's.
"This is a Slayer's journal," he said quietly.
Willow nodded and pointed to a passage in the centre of the page. Wesley began reading aloud.
"My lover, my husband, my Watcher is dead. The pain of it is almost unbearable. I feel as though my soul is being ripped out, piece by piece. He's gone and I remain. It was I that was meant to die first. I couldn't protect him. I miss him with every inch of my being, every part that makes up who I am. I cry out at night, desperately craving his touch. My body aches for his, but I cannot reach him. My heart feels broken, but I continue to slay. The Council forbids me to take the time to grieve, and for this I hate them. It has been nearly eight weeks and everything within me is screaming for him. It hurts, oh the aching of my soul. My stomach clenches at the thought of him."
Wesley looked up at Willow. "You believe that this has something to do with Buffy's illness?"
"Just keep reading."
Wesley sighed but went to comply with her wishes. The passage seemed so intimate, that reading it aloud to the group seemed to almost dishonour the memory of it.
"I went to the Council today, barely able to stand. They could not explain what is happening to me, nor could they fix it. They believe that I am merely missing Edward, and while that is true, it goes so much deeper than that. I am not whole without him. I can feel my soul crying to be with his. Our bond was so pure, so good and true. I fear what will happen if I let go, yet at the same time I wish to be free and to join him in eternity. All the time, I can hear his gentle voice, whispering to me the oath he took as my Watcher. Without limit always prepared. He recited the Latin to me which I have been repeating to myself since his death. I don't even know how I can remember it."
"Good lord," Wesley said quietly.
"It looks like our disease," Willow said.
"Are there any other diaries like this?" he asked.
Xander wordlessly handed him another diary.
"For weeks, all I have heard in my mind is his voice, silently whispering words to me in Latin. I've never heard them before but I know exactly what they mean. Without limit always prepared. I know he is with me. Lord, how I miss him. He's dead because of me, because of my calling. I loved him with everything inside of me."
"Skip down about four paragraphs," Xander said.
Wesley counted off the paragraphs and began reading again.
"The voices have stopped. I miss them, yet I am grateful at the same time. I've been given a new Watcher, a female this time. I think the Council feared that if I were given another male Watcher, I would fall for him as well. I doubt that it would be possible to betray my heart, my soul, my everything. I may have a new Watcher in name, but Nicholas will always be my true Watcher."
Wesley stared at the pages, trying to make they link between these two girls and the Slayer in front of him.
"This doesn't exactly make sense," Wesley said.
Xander and Willow nodded their agreement. "We know. By the sounds of it, those girls were married to their Watchers," Willow said.
Cordy scrunched up her nose at the thought. "Ew. Gross."
Wesley gave her a withering look, feeling slightly offended. He could remember the feelings he had had for Cordelia when he had first arrived in Sunnydale, and even though their kiss had been disastrous, he didn't feel as though he warranted that sort of a reaction from her.
"It wasn't that strange for Slayers and Watchers to be married," Anya said. "I've seen about twelve Slayers over the years, and seven of them were married to their Watchers. But, that was before the Council outlawed it."
Tara looked towards the ex-demon curiously. "Why wouldn't the Council let them g-get married?"
Anya took a deep breath as she began her explanation.
"Well, Slayers don't generally live very long. Some of them are lucky to make it to two years, let alone six. And, a lot of the Watchers often killed themselves if their Slayer died in battle, which meant that the Council was losing two valuable assets. Not to mention that the whole Watcher thing runs in bloodlines and…well, Slayers don't…well…they can't have children," Anya said.
Willow and Xander both looked up at that. "Can't? Ahn? What do you mean?"
Anya looked at her fiancée with sad eyes. "They're warriors Xander. They're built to fight, not to have children. They…they can get pregnant, but…no Slayer has ever survived the pregnancy."
"They'd be killed in battle," Tara whispered quietly, looking at Buffy sadly.
"That and…they can't handle childbirth. Some of the babies they deliver do make it, but…most of the children die along with their mothers. And, after that, the Watchers usually kill themselves as well," Anya explained.
Dawn looked pale. "Does she…Buffy does know this, right?"
Willow regarded the young girl quietly, stepping forward to gather Dawn into her arms.
"Probably. I think part of her knew she'd never get to have kids."
Cordy swallowed back even more tears. Yes, Buffy knew. The vision was beginning to make more sense. She had felt the despair of Buffy's soul, calling out for its chosen partner, the father of children that her body couldn't ever bare.
"How horrible," Tara whispered.
Xander hugged Anya to him tightly. The thought of never being able to have children…it was frightening.
"But…Buffy and Giles weren't married, so…why would she be getting sick like this?" Xander asked.
Cordy suddenly sat on the arm of Wesley's chair, her legs no longer able to hold her up.
"She was in love with him."