See the prologue for disclaimers; I don't own anyone but a few unfortunate lackeys.

With thanks to Gamine, Ekat, Ecolea, Irina, Vanessa, Selma and Chris who've all read parts of this chapter at various points and offered me feedback. Much appreciated folks.

Additional warning: Yes, this IS R rated.

Please offer feedback, it tells me how I'm doing.

~*~

Chapter 4 -- Nightmares and Dreamscapes

"Istekao!"

The command was the first thing anyone had actually said to Eric in a long while. A week, he thought, but the perpetual darkness in which he'd been kept had played hell with his sense of time. In fact, the only reason he knew time really had passed was the growth of stubble on his chin.

"Istekao!"

This time, the command was accompanied by two sets of hands grabbing at his arms and dragging him to his feet. Eric staggered, dizzy at suddenly being forced upright. He didn't have time to complain as the hands' owners dragged him out of the cell.

It took several yards of corridor before it really dawned on Eric that this might be his chance to get free. Just the thought of escape managed to wake the rest of his mind and suddenly he was on full alert. His two guards were both big, burly men -- no chance of escape here, but maybe he could make something. There were no other guards around -- no other people in fact. Maybe he could...

Then Eric realised where they were headed: The gothic torture chamber he'd been shown on his first day in this place. But the realisation came too late -- the two guards forced him through the doorway before he could fight back.

Inside the room, Eric noted there were six more men, all big and heavyset. The two who had collected him from his cell followed him into the chamber, making eight guards in total.

"Kleknuti!"

One of the men gestured towards the centre of the room where a set of handcuffs was hanging down on a chain.

"Kleknuti!"

The command was repeated and accompanied by someone attempting to force him to kneel.

"No fucking chance!"

Before the men could react, Eric twisted out of his guards' grip and launched into an attack. He shoulder charged one man, driving him back into the wall with a sickening thud. Pivoting, he snapped a kick at the next man, catching him hard in the groin. That man went down retching. A third man was felled by a blow to the throat -- Not quite on target, Eric noted absently, he's still breathing -- while a fourth was taken out with a sharp kick to his knee. The crack from that injury was almost loud enough to echo.

But as Eric moved towards the door, someone grabbed hold of his shoulder. Without needing to think, he reached for the hand, intending to break the hold -- and possibly the arm it was attached to -- when something was jabbed against his spine.

He had just long enough to wonder whether he was about to be shot and then thirty thousand volts poured into his body.

There was a long, long moment when every single nerve, synapse and fibre of his body screamed in complete and utter agony. And then it all stopped.

Some unknown time later, he finally regained full consciousness and found himself kneeling. His hands were cuffed and held above his head by the chain the cuffs were suspended from.

"And now," said a voice in almost perfect English, "we will play a game, Sergeant Myers."

"What do you want?" Eric tried to reply, but all that came out was a garbled grunt, combined with a fresh burst of pain. Musta bitten my tongue...

"Eric, wake up!"

He felt a hand come down on his shoulder. It didn't strike him as odd that his hands were suddenly free from the cuffs, he just reacted. Grabbing at the hand, he pulled. In a blur of movement, he had his attacker on the ground, pinned beneath him.

"Eric...?"

The first thing he realised was that his attacker seemed a lot smaller than any of the guards he'd previously dealt with. That, though, didn't seem important. All that mattered was that the attacker wasn't going to escape.

"Eric...?"

The struggles had ceased, but he wasn't prepared to let go. She felt so soft beneath him...smelt so good...

She?!

"E--Eric?"

It had been a nightmare. He wasn't in Kosovo. He wasn't there. It hadn't been real this time. But who did that mean his 'attacker' was? He looked, but all he could see was a blur. He blinked a few times and finally persuaded his eyes to focus on the person he'd trapped. Kimberly.

"Oh shit...oh shit...oh shit..."

That realisation brought with it recognition of something else: His body was definitely reacting to her close proximity.

"Eric...?"

"Oh shit..." As fast as he could, Eric hurled himself across the motel room, needing to get away from Kimberly before he did anything more to embarrass himself, but in his haste, he only succeeded in falling off the bed. "I'm sorry...I...oh shit...I'm sorry...I..." He finally reached the comparative sanctuary of the far side of the room, still painfully aroused and acutely aware of how close he had come to doing something unforgivable. He had never felt so embarrassed in his whole life. "I...I didn't hurt you did I?"

Kimberly slowly sat up on the bed. "No -- I'm fine...I...you were having a nightmare."

Did she realise? Did she know what he'd almost done? A look at her face in the dim light of dawn suggested that yes, she knew. Eric cringed. He waited for the anger that was sure to follow.

"Eric? Are you all right?" Where was the anger? Why wasn't she pissed at him? "I'm sorry -- I should have realised..." Why was she apologising? "I should have known better than to try and wake you like that...particularly after what you told me last night."

"But I...you..." Eric swallowed. "I nearly..."

"But you didn't," Kimberly replied. "And you wouldn't have."

"How do you know that when I don't?"

"Because I trust you."

"Why? I don't trust me...I know that I...could have..."

Kimberly gave a reassuring smile. "If you can't trust you, then trust me -- like you trusted me last night. You wouldn't have."

Silence descended, thick and cloying. Eric had no idea what to say, and then saving him came a cry from the other room: "Mommy?"

Alice's call finally broke the tension. Kimberly slid off the bed, careful to keep the borrowed t-shirt from riding up too far, but even so, Eric still found he had quite a view. No! Hands off. Especially after what you've just done. But that thought did little to make the renewed interest die away.

"I'll go see to her," Kimberly said. "How 'bout you go have a shower -- maybe get some coffee? We need to figure out what we're going to do."

That proved to be the thought that finally brought his body back under control. I am not letting Cawdron see me so fucked up. But he didn't trust his voice to make the reply. Instead, he nodded.

Kimberly smiled again and headed through into the other room to deal with Alice. Eric headed for the bathroom. A long, hot shower and some hot caffeine would do wonders for his state of mind.

~*~

"Mommy, where are we?" Alice asked as Kimberly walked into the other motel room.

"We're in a motel," Kimberly replied, wondering how on earth she was going to explain what was going on to Alice. Luckily, something else distracted Alice's attention.

"Mommy, what are you wearing?"

Kimberly glanced down self-consciously. "Um -- it's one of Eric's t-shirts."

"Is he here too?"

"Uh-huh."

"Cool!"

Kimberly wished she could take such a simplistic view of things. When Eric had pinned her to the bed, it had been so tempting to respond. In fact, if he'd kept her pinned much longer, she knew she would have responded -- and based on his reaction when he finally woke up, that would have been the worst thing she could have possibly done.

It wouldn't have mattered that I'd have been willing, Kimberly mused as she helped her daughter to get up. He'd have still seen it as somehow violating me.

"Mommy," Alice began.

"What sweetheart?" Kimberly replied, trying to dismiss her train of thought.

"Are you going to get dressed now?"

Kimberly glanced down at the borrowed t-shirt. "Guess I'd better, huh?"

Alice nodded. "Uh-huh."

At that moment, there was a knock on the connecting door between the two rooms. "Breakfast, anyone?"

Kimberly was surprised by how much more together Eric sounded now as compared to half an hour or so earlier. But when he entered, she could see the effort it was taking. He steadfastly refused to look in her direction and when she looked up at his face, she could see the shadows lurking in his expression.

"I have coffee, orange juice and some toast," he added, firmly concentrating on the tray he was carrying.

"Yay OJ!" Alice exclaimed.

"I'll just go get dressed," Kimberly murmured. "Save me some OJ."

"Sure."

Kimberly noted the brittleness about Eric's response, but made no comment. Instead, she just picked up her discarded clothing and headed into the tiny bathroom.

~*~

Eric was aware of Kimberly going into the bathroom to get changed and felt guilty that he was relieved to know she was out of the room.

"Eric?" He looked down at Alice. "What's wrong?"

God, I must be losing it if Alice can tell there's something wrong... Aloud, all he said was, "What makes you think there's something wrong?"

"Cos you look sad," she replied. "Mommy can make you feel better."

Eric set the breakfast tray down on the table. "Is that right?"

"Uh-huh." Alice nodded vigorously. "She makes me feel better when I'm sad."

Eric found himself smiling faintly. "That's because she's your mom. C'mon -- come have some OJ."

"She can make you feel better," Alice asserted, wandering across and accepting the proffered glass of orange juice.

"But she's not my mom," Eric replied.

"I know that," Alice replied with the exaggerated patience that implied she thought he was being especially dense.

"So how can she make me feel better?"

"She can be your girlfriend," said Alice. "And then you can be my daddy."

Eric froze, unable to do or say anything. He knew Alice had been hinting at something off and on since he'd started baby sitting for Kimberly, but this was the first time she'd actually said the words. Words he'd dreaded hearing. Words he had no answer to. Words that scared the hell out of him because they meant letting not only Kimberly but Alice get that close to him...and he wasn't sure he could...and she was still talking.

"...and then I can have a family like other kids. And you can kiss mommy good morning...and tuck me in at night..."

Stop! Please! Stop!

"...and maybe mommy won't be so sad or have to work so hard or cry anymore..."

Stopitstopitstopitstopit...

"Alice!" Kimberly's mortified exclamation was enough to cut through the paralysis. Blindly, Eric grabbed one of the cups of coffee and headed towards the door.

"Eric?"

He realised with a dull jolt that Kimberly had been trying to talk to him. "Sorry...phone calls to make."

Then before anything else could be said, he was through the connecting door and safe.

~*~

Kimberly had heard the start of Alice's conversation with Eric and had paid it no real mind as she'd started to dry her hair after a brief shower, but when she stopped hearing any reply from Eric, she started to listen. And almost wished she hadn't.

Alice Megan Cunningham that is about the worst thing you could have possibly said!

She dashed out of the bathroom in time to hear her daughter blithely tell Eric, "And maybe mommy wouldn't be so sad or have to work so hard or cry anymore."

Not only was it embarrassing to have her emotional laundry hung out in front of Eric -- again -- after what he'd said last night, and what had happened this morning, Kimberly suspected Eric wasn't really in a fit state to deal with Alice's hopes and desires. And if she had been in any doubt of that assessment, the haunted, white-faced expression he was wearing bore it out.

"Alice!" she exclaimed.

"What, mommy?" Alice asked innocently.

Eric was already turning to bolt. Damn. "Eric! Wait -- please don't..." He picked up a cup of coffee from the tray he'd been carrying earlier. "Eric?"

"Sorry -- phone calls to make."

The slam of the connecting door was somehow final. Damn, damn, damn, damn.

"M--mommy?" Alice looked scared and tears were beginning to form.

Oh, Alice...Kimberly slowly shook her head.

"I didn't mean to."

"I know, hon."

"A--are you cross with me?" Alice asked, between sobs.

Kimberly crouched in front of her daughter. "No, sweetheart -- and nor is Eric."

"Then...?"

How can I explain something to Alice when I barely understand it myself? "Sometimes," Kimberly began, "bad things happen to good people...and it takes them time to get over them."

"D--id something bad happen to Eric?" Kimberly nodded, biting her lip and praying Alice wouldn't ask what. "Can you make him feel better?"

"I don't know," Kimberly admitted, inwardly marvelling at the simple faith her daughter had in her. "I hope so."

"So do I." Alice sniffed. "C--can I help?"

Kimberly found herself smiling faintly at her daughter. "Maybe." Alice's unhappy countenance brightened instantly at the prospect of being able to help. "Right now, you can help by staying here and eating breakfast."

"OK." Alice sniffed again. "I didn't mean to be bad."

"You weren't bad," Kimberly replied gently. "But now I need to go and speak to Eric. All right?"

Alice sniffed and nodded. "'Kay."

~*~

As the connecting door swung shut behind him with a slam, Eric's first impulse was to run as far and as fast as he could.

I can't deal with this. I can't cope...I can't be what Alice wants...what Kim wants...

But as he got part way to the door out of the room, he stopped; brought up short by something he half saw out of the tail of his eye. Slowly he turned and found himself staring at the reflection in the mirror. Luridly pale features, blood shot eyes, haunted expression... He shivered. That wasn't him. That was a stranger staring back at him.

Look what bel Abis has turned you into.

The words of a long forgotten marine Sergeant came back to him.

Yes, you're scared. Yes you have problems. If you run now, you will be running for the rest of your life. There are people relying on you now.

He'd been newly assigned to permanent party -- green as hell and deployed as part of the last contingent of troops in Somalia. First time on active duty, first patrol under hostile fire. He'd been totally and utterly scared.

The Sergeant's words had made a huge impression on eighteen-year-old Eric Myers. Hell, ten years later, they were still making a huge impression on him.

I can't run.

If he followed his impulse to run, who was going to make sure that Kimberly and Alice were safe?

Yes, he had problems.

Yes, he was scared.

They were relying on him.

He had dragged them into this mess -- he had to do his utmost to see them safe. He owed them that much.

What about Alice?

She was a kid in a single parent family. She was only doing what any kid did. She wanted a 'normal' life. Eric found himself smiling ruefully. He'd done much the same thing with the first couple of boyfriends his mother had brought home.

But am I right?

Having gained a measure of control over the panic, he forced himself to look at the idea of having something more out of life.

At some point you've gotta say to yourself that they don't hold that power over you anymore. At some point you've gotta stop holding the world at arm's length.

Kimberly's words from six months earlier danced through his mind. She hadn't known anything about him then -- certainly nothing specific, yet she'd been able to see what he was doing. Come to think of it, so had Wes and Jen. They had seen it -- seen the wall he'd built up to keep the world at bay -- and while they'd not known why it was there, they had tried to overcome it and get to know him anyway.

We're partners and we're friends.

You're my friend.

Wes and Jen had both seemed certain about that.

When did I end up with friends and not notice?

He wasn't sure, but the more he thought about the concept the more he actually found he'd started relying on their presence. Seemed like his subconscious had already decided it was time to let go.

Eric blinked, seeing his reflection again. The stranger in the mirror didn't look so haunted now. He still looked pale and tired but gone was the look of the cornered wild animal.

bel Abis has cost me enough.

He swallowed and looked in the mirror once more. The stranger was gone. He stared at himself for the first time in a long while.

I can deal with this. I can cope. I might not fit Alice's fantasies, I might not be the guy Kim dreamed of...but she had her chance to run last night and this morning. If all that doesn't scare her...

Eric realised he was smiling.

He felt exhausted -- who knew confronting mental demons could be as tough as slaying real ones? -- but somehow it seemed like a good exhaustion.

There was a slightly timid knock on the connecting door.

"Eric?"

I must have scared the hell out of both of them with that little stunt of mine, Eric realised ruefully. "Uh-huh."

The door opened, and he turned to see Kimberly carefully slip into the room. She opened her mouth to say something, then closed it again, giving him a long assessing look. He met her gaze openly and watched as a tiny piece of the worry etched in her expression evaporated.

Without saying a word, she crossed the room to him and pulled him down into a loose hug. "Welcome back," she whispered.

Somewhat to his surprise, his arms found their way around Kimberly's petite frame in a return gesture -- although if it surprised him, it stunned Kimberly, to judge from her expression as she finally stepped back. "Thank you." There was a moment's pause, then he added, "Guess I owe you both an apology."

Kimberly smiled. "Maybe to Alice -- as far as I'm concerned, I'll settle for what I can see here and now."

Eric smiled faintly. "I am sorry, though. You might not want to hear it, but I need to say it. For last night and for this morning."

"If you tell me you have a plan to get us out of here then we'll call it quits. How's that?"

Eric's smile broadened. "I think I can manage that."

"No macho bullshit."

Eric found himself chuckling. "No macho bullshit," he agreed.

"So?" Kimberly asked.

"So I think it's time I called in the cavalry." He smiled ruefully. "If I can remember their phone number."

TO BE CONTINUED...