DISCLAIMER – I do not own Gundam Wing.
Chapter TwelveShe sat in the pilot seat of the mobile suit she'd been issued, looking around at the monitors for signs of attack. They were positioned around Colony L2-D89, attempting to ward off an oncoming offensive by the Earth Sphere Alliance. It was her first battle. Jinx was nervous, relying on her training and instincts to get her through this. At the age of 9, she had never before killed anyone. This would be her first time.
A warm voice came over the radio. It was Schaffer. "Breathe deep, honey," he said, smiling on the monitor. Schaffer was her commanding officer, immediately above her in the ranks of OZ military. And Schaffer was her best friend, regardless of the fact that he was ten years older than her. While she stayed in the military base, the young girl was exposed to all sorts of possible disreputable acts by fellow soldiers. Schaffer had been there to take care of her and chase off the less than innocent friendships of other men, though she had never been a victim of foul play, yet. He was her only friend and had a habit of calling her 'little sis' when he was sure no one else could hear them.
She smiled at the blond man looking concerned on the monitor. "I'm fine, Schaffer. Just nervous."
"Take it easy, little sis. This little skirmish shouldn't result in much."
Jinx nodded at him, clicking off the inter-suit communication. Immediately, something squawked in her ear, warning her of approaching objects. Pulling at the controls, she swiveled her suit around to face the mobile suits coming at the colony. She swore under her breath. The controls of the suit were heavy for her. Even though she had been trained extensively in combat and mental conditioning, she was still a nine-year-old girl and a little too weak to skillfully maneuver the cumbersome suit under her control.
The three approaching suits opened fire, aiming directly for the closest of their enemies. That closest enemy just happened to be her. She noticed a kind of scream over the radio, like Schaffer was saying something to her, but she didn't have the time to pay attention to it now. Jinx had to fire back at the enemy suits.
Skillfully and perfectly, Jinx fired three shots. Three separate explosions told of her successful battle against the suits that attacked her.
She remembered the scream earlier, and turned around in time to see Schaffer's suit as it careened out of control, badly damaged on the left side. Schaffer had been hit. He was falling toward the gravity of the colony, too far away for Jinx to save him. The side of the colony expelled a fireball at the collision, engulfing what remained of Schaffer and his suit.
Jinx screamed something unintelligible, sending shivers down the spines of anyone who happened to hear her over the communicator.
She didn't remember returning to base and going to her quarters, but she knew she did. Jinx did it out of habit, rather than out of consciousness. She was lying face down on her bed, her head buried in her pillow to stop the tears that threatened to sting her eyes. Losing Schaffer was too much. She did not want to kill, not if it meant friends would die alongside her.
The door closed softly behind her, startling her from her sorrow. Colonel Sterling was standing in front of her closed door. She cursed herself again, for not paying more mental attention to what was going on around her. She should have known that he was coming down the hall, much less standing in her own room.
Jinx sat up on the bed, looking at the large and burly man as he took a few steps closer to her. "You're leaving first thing in the morning," he informed her. "We can't have weaklings on the front line."
She flinched at the remark. In all her days as a soldier, since before she could even hold a gun, no one had ever called her a weakling. His mind was blocked to her.
He continued, "They're going to put you through more hell than you could ever imagine, Plague. You deserve it after letting Schaffer die."
Turning away from him, Jinx stared at the steel gray wall. She didn't want to hear anymore. It was all her fault. Her brother was dead because of her. Weight beside her on the bed informed her that he was sitting next to her on the light mattress. His large, strong hand touched her shoulder.
In that touch, everything became clear. Through physical contact, she had complete access to his mind. And his devious thoughts. She felt his lust, and his anger. She felt his inner turmoil – whether he wanted to rape her or kill her, he couldn't decide. It was evil. Pure evil.
She ran to the door, rushing against it, trying to open it.
"No use," Sterling said, his voice deep and husky. "I've encoded it to my own voice, and it will remain locked until I say otherwise." She turned around, her back against the door like a trapped animal. Shrinking as he got up and walked closer to her, Jinx watched in horror as he looked around her room. "Good thing these walls are soundproof," he said, a wicked grin spreading across his face.
The large hand grasped her throat, making it difficult for her to breathe, or fight back.
His evil laughter echoed through her head.
Again she heard the evil chuckles, but this time they weren't from her memories of that night. She was hearing them emerge from her own throat. Jinx calmly stepped back, avoiding Sterling's blood as it pooled and ran across the floor. Her first assassination was successful. Sterling's body was slumped over his desk, his blood running from the neat bullet hole that pierced through his flesh to his heart.
Three years ago, he had violated her. He branded her himself afterwards, with the sign of OZ Special Forces, and then he had sent her off to the most ruthless training known in the military. Later, her commander had added the Assassin insignia to her bare left shoulder, directly under the physical scar Sterling had left. And now, she had her revenge.
He had been right, she mused as she walked away from the target's cooling body. Her next training assignment had been hell, and now she was as stone cold as they had dreamed her to be. She was the perfect soldier. And with her vengeful virgin assassination over with, she had proved herself ruthless and taken out her aggression on her own attacker. Justice has been served.
Then why did she feel so empty?
In the dark of the night, she could still feel his hands pressing her down against the lightweight mattress. She cried out for him to stop.
*
Jinx cried out again in her sleep, violently shaking from side to side as if she were trying to escape something. Trowa held her shoulders gently, attempting to calm her with the sound of his voice and keep her from falling off the bed.
"NO! DON'T TOUCH ME!!" she screamed, her face showing terror as she recoiled from the attacker in her dream.
"Jinx…wake up, Jinx. It's me, Trowa, your friend." He tried everything he could think of to shake her from the nightmare, but it wasn't working. She continued to writhe beneath his grasp, mistaking his hands for the hands of a villain. "Jinx," he called softly, for what seemed like the hundredth time.
She'd been having this violent nightmare for several minutes, but those few minutes dragged out to hours in Trowa's mind. Heero was too injured and weak to heed Jinx's screaming words in the bed next to his. Trowa glanced back at the couch, at the sleeping form of Duo. He too, was too tired and weary from the exhaustion of the bombing to be disturbed by Jinx's repetitive screaming. But this luck wouldn't last too much longer, Trowa thought, and soon they'd all be awake because of her yelling in her nightmare.
"Stop!" the bloodcurdling scream ended as she sat straight up in bed, her eyes wide with terror. Sitting up so quickly had caused her to hit her forehead against Trowa's, and both of them were now rubbing their sore heads. "Ow," she said simply after a moment, still touching her tender forehead.
"I'm sorry," Trowa admitted, backing away from her bed to the chair he'd placed between Heero's bed and hers. "I shouldn't have been that close to you."
The light returned to Jinx's eyes as she realized she had been dreaming. "Oh, Trowa," she said as she shifted to a more comfortable sitting position. "I'm so sorry for…I didn't realize I was dreaming." Jinx's face looked uncomfortable in the darkness as she glanced away from the emerald eye and instead looked down at the sheets around her. "I thought those dreams would stop," she admitted, wrapping her arms around herself in an attempt to feel comfort.
"They never do."
"What?" she asked, thoroughly confused.
"Those types of dreams never go away, Jinx. They never go away." Trowa had a far-off look in his eyes as he spoke to her. "The pain of your past will live with you always. There's no escaping the events that have made you become the person you are today. No matter how much you want to forget the horrible things that have happened."
He knew, she decided. Somehow, he knew exactly what she had been remembering in her dream.
"But they make you who you are," he continued, looking at the peaceful sleeping Duo curled on the couch. "It made Duo the wonderful person he is."
"You mean?"
"There isn't much of a choice for orphans," Trowa explained. "As part of a group, he had to do his part to pull in some money for food and clothing. There wasn't any other choice…and he did whatever he had to in order to protect the other children."
Jinx looked at how the moonlight of the window fell across Duo's gentle features. His bangs hung haphazardly across his face, and his body was curled into an impossibly small ball on the couch cushion. It was hard to imagine that this happy-go-lucky wonderful man ever had to sell himself as a child in order to survive on the streets.
She looked again at Trowa, who had a sad look in his visible eye. "But Trowa…?"
"Yes, I am the same as you." He stood up and sat on the edge of her bed, taking on of her hands in between his own two large and gentle hands. "It makes us who we are. And we are stronger for having survived it." Trowa leaned forward and gave her a kiss on the forehead.
Instinctively, she wrapped her arms around his neck, seeking comfort in his arms. Trowa hugged her gently for a moment, then pulled away and brushed some of the stray hairs from her eyes. "Just know that you aren't ever alone, Jinx."
*
When Duo awoke, Jinx was sitting up in bed and looking toward the doorway. He unwound his curled body and stretched his limbs. "Whatcha looking at?" he asked in a whisper. Heero was still asleep.
Jinx blinked and looked down to him, her sorrow painfully evident on her beautiful face. "Nothing that can be cured," she mystically said to him, not offering any more of an explanation.
This was his cue. Duo got up off the couch and sat on the edge of Jinx's bed. She needed some major comforting. Gently, he placed a hand on the bulge of the sheets that concealed her knee. "Is there something I can do?"
Tears suddenly fell uncontrollably from her eyes as her body softly shook from her sobs. "I can't tell him," she managed to say between breaths.
"Tell who?" Duo asked, getting closer to put an arm around her shoulders.
Jinx leaned her forehead into his chest, and he began running his fingers over her hair as she prepared to talk to him.
"I can't tell Heero."
Duo continued to run his hands through her hair.
"I can't tell him that I'm…I'm…. tainted." She barely whispered loud enough for Duo to make out her words.
"You aren't the only one," Duo offered. "Many of us have pasts that we wish we could forget, or get rid of. But those pasts are what make us who we are."
Jinx smiled in spite of her tears. "Trowa said the exact same thing earlier."
"He did? Well, I guess that's because I heard it from him years ago. And I suppose he told you about himself?"
She shook her head, no, which felt strange against his chest.
"Then what did he say?" Duo asked, confused.
"He hold me about you."
Duo twitched a little, uneasy with the fact that Trowa had told Jinx about his past. He wasn't so uncomfortable that she knew, just that he hadn't been the one to tell her. "Well, I'm not the only one," Duo pouted.
"What do you mean? What happened to Trowa?"
"They used to call him Nanashi…"
"No-name? Why?"
Duo sighed and shifted his weight to get more comfortable. "Nanashi worked on L3, and became part of the military service there after his mother died. He was young and had no family left when he joined. Those other servicemen had been out in training for too long, and they welcomed the fresh meat of new recruits. Trowa said that it felt like a prison when new recruits arrived, the screaming and…" Duo let his voice fade out, not wanting to say the horrible words of his friend's past. This common past of having their innocence taken from them when they were just boys was the strongest link he had with Trowa. It gave them a connection that he didn't share with Wufei, Quatre, or even Heero. Of course, neither one of them mentioned it since that night Trowa had held Duo in his arms, trying to calm the longhaired boy after he had woken Trowa up during a frightful nightmare. Duo was sure Trowa held Jinx earlier that night in the same way Trowa had held him those years ago. And tonight was the first time either of them had thought of mentioning their past out loud again.
Jinx's arms wrapped around Duo's waist, dragging him from his thoughts. She was looking up at him, her red eyes glowing in the moonlight and fresh tears making them sparkle. He smiled down at her, putting his arms around her shoulders. Jinx scooted closer to him, resting her head on his shoulder.
"I'm too afraid to tell him. But I think he already knows. It's just too hard to push those memories out of my mind when I feel Heero's hands on me. I keep thinking that they're his." She shuddered involuntarily at the thought of Colonel Sterling. "I know Heero would never do anything to hurt me. That's why he doesn't object when I get scared and tell him to stop."
Duo's brows knitted in confusion. "You mean you and Heero…?"
"We haven't been able to…not yet. It just brings back such horrible memories." Jinx began to sniff a little as she talked about how she felt. Not until she met Heero did she have to face the aftermath of surviving her rape experience. And now she realized that it would take a lot more healing and gentle love from Heero for her to be able to live a normal life. She hadn't been as strong as she tricked herself into thinking she was.
Duo held her tightly as she cried quietly against his shoulder. Soon, her sobbing resided and Duo heard her breath come easier and deeper. He nudged her, getting a light and sleepy moan in return. She had fallen asleep.
Trying not to wake her, Duo carefully laid her down on the bed without letting her leave his arms. Curled up next to her, Duo pulled the blankets over them both and succumbed to the sleep that threatened his consciousness.