Chapter 5: A Brand New God
If looks could kill, Demeter's glare would have made anyone ask: "Is it live, or is it Hammerex?"
Faster than you could say "Medusa's on the rag", she jumped in between Persephone and Hades and literally planted both feet in the ground, brandishing her flowering staff at the son-in-law wannabe.
"You have some explaining to do, and you'd better make it fast!"
Hades put up his hands defensively. Scratch Hectate off the list as goddess to be most feared, he made a mental note to himself. "Chill, babe. Sepphy's only here for a visit...albeit a six month visit...I got my hands full as it is, here. Incoming soul count is up by a gazillion, and everybody's doin' overtime because Mommy's little girl has gone missing. Tell ya what, I'll make ya a deal. See, me and Seph have an understanding..." here he looked meaningfully and warningly at Persephone over Demeter's shoulder. Persephone glared at him every bit as menacingly as her mother..."actuallyitwasthepomograniteseedsbut she agrees to kick it with me for six months, then she can go back to the land of sunshine."
Demeter's hand tightened on her staff. "Pomegranate seeds? POMEGRANITE SEEDS???"
"Is there an echo?"
"YOU TRICKED HER!!!"
Persephone intervened. "Mother, please listen. My life isn't worth killing off half of the mortal world. Hades is a bastard, but he's a bastard with...redeeming qualities."
Both Demeter and Hades looked at her like she'd lost her mind. She ignored them and continued, seeing as they weren't long on words at the moment.
"I admit I'm still not thrilled with the situation, and the decor's not exactly Hanging Home and Garden material, but it's time I got out on my own. I'll still see you and Hermes six months out of the year. Besides, I'm not into regurgetating my food."
"Young lady, you've lost your mind! Look at your beautiful hair! It's freakish! You're already turning into one of THEM!" She turned and sobbed into her hands. Persephone tried in vain to comfort her. Her tears fell on a clump of ooze spread over some rocks and moss with daisies sprung up.
"Hey, now we can really say they're pushing up daisies!" Hades chortled.
"Shut up, you monster!" Demeter shrieked, clutching her daughter, who looked downright miserable.
"Mother, please!"
"Yeah, mom, puh-leeze!" mocked Hades, impatient for this fiasco to be over. "A deal's a deal, already, sheesh!" He didn't tell either one of them that he'd originally sent Pain and Panic to give Persephone twelve seeds, and they'd lost the rest enroute. "Besides, do you want her to be your little schnookems forever? Once you get past the flames, the sulpher and the horrors of the afterlife, I'm not a bad guy. Really. Besides, the little lady grows on ya."
Demeter had now stopped crying and now looked indignant. Persephone now looked confused, her mouth twitching between wanting to break into a shy smile at Hades' subtle admission of smittenness and falling open in shock.
"I bet you say that to ALL the goddessess!" Demeter sniffed. "My poor little baby girl..."
"Please Mother, that's MY line! And besides, I kinda like my hair..."
The slightest flicker of a smile now did play over Persephone's features, like a shy cat coming out of hiding in her new surroundings. "I promise I'll come back to you if you'll bring things back to normal topside." she said to Demeter, who looked faintly calmer, if only faintly.
Demeter sighed, throwing her hands up. "I give up! I'm cutting the girdle strings. It's your life Persephone. But Hermes is NOT going to be happy, and neither is anyone else. At least you're not hurt. I swear, Hades, if you lay ONE FINGER on my little girl, I'll put you so far down into the ground a thousand Hercules wouldn't be able to dig you out in a billion years!"
With that, she turned in a huff and was gone.
"Like mother, like daughter." Hades observed. "Well, at least this means my work schedule's back to normal. As for you..." he wrapped a smoke tentacle around Persephone's shoulder..."you got six months to go before the sun shines, so you might as well get comfortable."
Persephone pulled away with a scowl. "I said I'd stay, I didn't say I'd LIKE it!" And she, too, marched off in a huff, catching Hades' butt with the tail end of her hair as she whipped it around. He jumped.
"Hey, you DO play hard to get." he said with a sly smile.
"BITE ME!"
Hades just laughed low in his throat. "Don't tempt me..." he muttered.
* * *
Hades heaved a big sigh as he approached the doors to the Heavenly Bodies spa on Olympus. A god knew when he was having a mental breakdown if he succomed to THIS. He was about to be totally humiliated beyond all doubt.
He was getting a makeover.
And who but Narcissus would be the head beautitian.
Hades growled as he approached the smiling nymph attendants, smiling only because he'd threatened to give everybody a permanent makeover of his own in the river Styx if they didn't cooperate. Narcissis was all too happy to serve him. He needed a break from staring in the mirror once in awhile. And Hades was a morbidly welcome challenge he couldn't refuse.
"Hey, everybody, we're gonna do a makeover!" he shouted to the attendants, gods and goddesses in the salon. Several "woo-woos", shouts and clapping sounded from around the room while music started up from out of nowhere. Narcissis started singing.
"Hades, bro, you're a long way from where you wanna be!
The root of all your problems is that you don't look like me!
Now this is gonna hurt you ..."
Here he plunged Hades face into a basin of water that shorted out his hair.Hades fought back the shriek of rage and homicidal tendancies that erupted. "You're doing this for Persephone." he reminded himself with another growl deep in his throat.
Narcissis jerked Hades' head back up into a vertical position, and marched him over to the middle of the room, where the nymphs started dancing around him, materializing various instruments of cosmetic torture.
"Now, what shall we do?" Narcissis said playfully. "A facial!"
"A facial!" Medusa's voice echoed from behind her cucumber mask as she sat with curlers for the snakes in her hair.
"A manicure!" shouted Narcissis, gesturing to Athena, who brandished her dragon claw nails, complete with sword gems.
"A manicure!" echoed Athena, looking threateningly at Hades.
"A body wrap!"
"A body wrap!" yelled back Aphrodite in said wrap. Hades growled seductively.
Before Hades knew what was happening, he was being poked, prodded, painted, smeared with gunk, and laid out on a reclining chair. Narcissis contined singing, now with the Muses, who were enjoying this way too much. They provided the backup for the chorus.
"Who's the one they can't resist, the brand new god!
Who's on the most wanted list, the brand new god!
Why not try it on for size
Guarantee she'll get a rise!
Hades didn't hear the rest because somebody had taken a rotating whetting stone to file down his gnargly toenails. Sparks flew and Hades shrieked, his hair flaming. Somebody then stood him up, spun him around and he found himself in a black outfit whose top was slanted at his chest, and the bottom pointed handkerchief style to reveal his six pack stomach. He looked down further and saw a gold naval ring. He zapped it when nobody was looking and turned it into a skull. His robe was gone and he now wore a pair of tight black vinyl pants. All the females in the room now stared at him in shock, and few catcalled, especially when he stood up to inspect his new visage in the mirror.
"Woa!" he exclaimed.
The dark circles were gone around his eyes, and his teeth had been made sparkling white. He had a gold ring dangling from one ear.
The music finished just at that moment, and Hades had to admit he looked pretty damn good.
He nearly knocked Narcissis off his feet when he clapped him on the back. "I gotta hand it to ya, pretty boy, you didn't do a half bad job here. She'll be all over me like ants over a buffet table at one of Bacchas' parties."
But Narcissis wasn't listening to him. He had already gone back to his mirror. Hades rolled his eyes. "See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya..."
With a snap of his fingers, he was back home. His eyes narrowed with glee. "I think the wedding date just moved up..." he said, moving off in the direction of the throne room. A group of female souls rose out of the river Styx to catcall him.
"Nice butt!"
Hades zapped them back down. "Get an afterlife." He yelled before turning around to smirk in self-satisfaction. Next stop, Persephone. He strode to the bottom of the winding stone staircase lit with blue torches and yelled for Pain and Panic, but they didn't appear. Huffing, his black cloud billows around his feet rose and he increased his speed to their room to look for them.
He opened the door to a loud and very dubious party. Colored lights rotated around the room, splashing the walls with a kalaidescope. Pain and Panic lounged on pillows with Pleasure and Peace, stoned out of their minds. Lava lamps flowed and loud grunge rock music blared from an unseen source as they looked up at Hades with bloodshot eyes. Pain hastily snuffed out the pot joint on one of the pillows, missing the floor in his shock at seeing his pissed-off master. Pleasure and Peace, who had had their heads in their laps staring at the light show on the ceiling, now shot up and hid behind them.
"WHAT IS THIS???" Hades roared, throwing his hands up wildly.
Panic laughed lethargically. "Peace, Man!" he made the peace sign with his fingers. Hades blew his top, literally.
"Have a piece of THIS!" he yelled, zapping the music, the lights, and the imps off their pillows. They streaked out of the room with Pleasure and Peace right behind. Hades stormed off to the throne room.
Note to self...fire Pain and Panic, literally.
As soon as I put the moves on Sunshine...
In a flash, he had set a table for two complete with a candelabra. This would be a private party, no minions allowed. And now, the lure...
He had Panic steal Persephone's pendant she always kept around her neck except when she slept, and despite his hangover, he swiped it off the table next to her bed. When she came running and huffing into the dining room, she stopped short upon seeing the new Hades.
"Looking for this?" he held up the pendant. Persephone got a dazed look on her face and seemed to have forgotten about it.
"Huh?"
"Need a reminder? Your most prized possession, the one you never leave home or the Underworld without? You know, like the Greek Express card?"
"Oh, that." she said absentmindedly, staring at him. Hades smirked. His new look was working. Narcissis, I owe you one...
He had to keep the mood going. He was on a roll. He snapped his fingers as slow music started and food trays appeared. Finally, Persephone found her voice.
"Who are you and what have you done with Hades?"
Hades chuckled, smoothly reaching out smoke tendrils to drape the chain around her neck.
He leaned back in the chair and put his booted feet up on it, then lit a cigar. "I kidnapped him and held him for ransom, my sweet."
"Very funny."
Persephone was finding it increasingly hard to keep up the sarcastic and oblivious act when this new and improved stud was in front of her. "Nice leather." she continued, trying to sound casual. "How many animals did you have to kill to get those pants?"
Hades laughed, then blew a heart shaped smoke ring over her head. "You got a good sense of humor, you know that? You'd think we were related."
Seph took a sip of her pomegranite wine, now thankfully devoid of seeds, and stared at him over the rim. Gods, he looked hot! Hot, oh, I just made a funny...
She chuckled to herself, which made Hades narrow his eyes with pleasure. Hook, line and sinker...
"You know, you're almost civilized tonight." she continued, smirking. "But I'm still gonna keep one eye open when I sleep." Hades slinked over behind her and leaned over her chair, his form misting and curling all around her.
"You won't have to worry about sleeping tonight." he said in a low seductive tone that made her shiver though she tried desperately to hide it.
"Uh..." Persephone hesitated..."check please."
If looks could kill, Demeter's glare would have made anyone ask: "Is it live, or is it Hammerex?"
Faster than you could say "Medusa's on the rag", she jumped in between Persephone and Hades and literally planted both feet in the ground, brandishing her flowering staff at the son-in-law wannabe.
"You have some explaining to do, and you'd better make it fast!"
Hades put up his hands defensively. Scratch Hectate off the list as goddess to be most feared, he made a mental note to himself. "Chill, babe. Sepphy's only here for a visit...albeit a six month visit...I got my hands full as it is, here. Incoming soul count is up by a gazillion, and everybody's doin' overtime because Mommy's little girl has gone missing. Tell ya what, I'll make ya a deal. See, me and Seph have an understanding..." here he looked meaningfully and warningly at Persephone over Demeter's shoulder. Persephone glared at him every bit as menacingly as her mother..."actuallyitwasthepomograniteseedsbut she agrees to kick it with me for six months, then she can go back to the land of sunshine."
Demeter's hand tightened on her staff. "Pomegranate seeds? POMEGRANITE SEEDS???"
"Is there an echo?"
"YOU TRICKED HER!!!"
Persephone intervened. "Mother, please listen. My life isn't worth killing off half of the mortal world. Hades is a bastard, but he's a bastard with...redeeming qualities."
Both Demeter and Hades looked at her like she'd lost her mind. She ignored them and continued, seeing as they weren't long on words at the moment.
"I admit I'm still not thrilled with the situation, and the decor's not exactly Hanging Home and Garden material, but it's time I got out on my own. I'll still see you and Hermes six months out of the year. Besides, I'm not into regurgetating my food."
"Young lady, you've lost your mind! Look at your beautiful hair! It's freakish! You're already turning into one of THEM!" She turned and sobbed into her hands. Persephone tried in vain to comfort her. Her tears fell on a clump of ooze spread over some rocks and moss with daisies sprung up.
"Hey, now we can really say they're pushing up daisies!" Hades chortled.
"Shut up, you monster!" Demeter shrieked, clutching her daughter, who looked downright miserable.
"Mother, please!"
"Yeah, mom, puh-leeze!" mocked Hades, impatient for this fiasco to be over. "A deal's a deal, already, sheesh!" He didn't tell either one of them that he'd originally sent Pain and Panic to give Persephone twelve seeds, and they'd lost the rest enroute. "Besides, do you want her to be your little schnookems forever? Once you get past the flames, the sulpher and the horrors of the afterlife, I'm not a bad guy. Really. Besides, the little lady grows on ya."
Demeter had now stopped crying and now looked indignant. Persephone now looked confused, her mouth twitching between wanting to break into a shy smile at Hades' subtle admission of smittenness and falling open in shock.
"I bet you say that to ALL the goddessess!" Demeter sniffed. "My poor little baby girl..."
"Please Mother, that's MY line! And besides, I kinda like my hair..."
The slightest flicker of a smile now did play over Persephone's features, like a shy cat coming out of hiding in her new surroundings. "I promise I'll come back to you if you'll bring things back to normal topside." she said to Demeter, who looked faintly calmer, if only faintly.
Demeter sighed, throwing her hands up. "I give up! I'm cutting the girdle strings. It's your life Persephone. But Hermes is NOT going to be happy, and neither is anyone else. At least you're not hurt. I swear, Hades, if you lay ONE FINGER on my little girl, I'll put you so far down into the ground a thousand Hercules wouldn't be able to dig you out in a billion years!"
With that, she turned in a huff and was gone.
"Like mother, like daughter." Hades observed. "Well, at least this means my work schedule's back to normal. As for you..." he wrapped a smoke tentacle around Persephone's shoulder..."you got six months to go before the sun shines, so you might as well get comfortable."
Persephone pulled away with a scowl. "I said I'd stay, I didn't say I'd LIKE it!" And she, too, marched off in a huff, catching Hades' butt with the tail end of her hair as she whipped it around. He jumped.
"Hey, you DO play hard to get." he said with a sly smile.
"BITE ME!"
Hades just laughed low in his throat. "Don't tempt me..." he muttered.
* * *
Hades heaved a big sigh as he approached the doors to the Heavenly Bodies spa on Olympus. A god knew when he was having a mental breakdown if he succomed to THIS. He was about to be totally humiliated beyond all doubt.
He was getting a makeover.
And who but Narcissus would be the head beautitian.
Hades growled as he approached the smiling nymph attendants, smiling only because he'd threatened to give everybody a permanent makeover of his own in the river Styx if they didn't cooperate. Narcissis was all too happy to serve him. He needed a break from staring in the mirror once in awhile. And Hades was a morbidly welcome challenge he couldn't refuse.
"Hey, everybody, we're gonna do a makeover!" he shouted to the attendants, gods and goddesses in the salon. Several "woo-woos", shouts and clapping sounded from around the room while music started up from out of nowhere. Narcissis started singing.
"Hades, bro, you're a long way from where you wanna be!
The root of all your problems is that you don't look like me!
Now this is gonna hurt you ..."
Here he plunged Hades face into a basin of water that shorted out his hair.Hades fought back the shriek of rage and homicidal tendancies that erupted. "You're doing this for Persephone." he reminded himself with another growl deep in his throat.
Narcissis jerked Hades' head back up into a vertical position, and marched him over to the middle of the room, where the nymphs started dancing around him, materializing various instruments of cosmetic torture.
"Now, what shall we do?" Narcissis said playfully. "A facial!"
"A facial!" Medusa's voice echoed from behind her cucumber mask as she sat with curlers for the snakes in her hair.
"A manicure!" shouted Narcissis, gesturing to Athena, who brandished her dragon claw nails, complete with sword gems.
"A manicure!" echoed Athena, looking threateningly at Hades.
"A body wrap!"
"A body wrap!" yelled back Aphrodite in said wrap. Hades growled seductively.
Before Hades knew what was happening, he was being poked, prodded, painted, smeared with gunk, and laid out on a reclining chair. Narcissis contined singing, now with the Muses, who were enjoying this way too much. They provided the backup for the chorus.
"Who's the one they can't resist, the brand new god!
Who's on the most wanted list, the brand new god!
Why not try it on for size
Guarantee she'll get a rise!
Hades didn't hear the rest because somebody had taken a rotating whetting stone to file down his gnargly toenails. Sparks flew and Hades shrieked, his hair flaming. Somebody then stood him up, spun him around and he found himself in a black outfit whose top was slanted at his chest, and the bottom pointed handkerchief style to reveal his six pack stomach. He looked down further and saw a gold naval ring. He zapped it when nobody was looking and turned it into a skull. His robe was gone and he now wore a pair of tight black vinyl pants. All the females in the room now stared at him in shock, and few catcalled, especially when he stood up to inspect his new visage in the mirror.
"Woa!" he exclaimed.
The dark circles were gone around his eyes, and his teeth had been made sparkling white. He had a gold ring dangling from one ear.
The music finished just at that moment, and Hades had to admit he looked pretty damn good.
He nearly knocked Narcissis off his feet when he clapped him on the back. "I gotta hand it to ya, pretty boy, you didn't do a half bad job here. She'll be all over me like ants over a buffet table at one of Bacchas' parties."
But Narcissis wasn't listening to him. He had already gone back to his mirror. Hades rolled his eyes. "See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya..."
With a snap of his fingers, he was back home. His eyes narrowed with glee. "I think the wedding date just moved up..." he said, moving off in the direction of the throne room. A group of female souls rose out of the river Styx to catcall him.
"Nice butt!"
Hades zapped them back down. "Get an afterlife." He yelled before turning around to smirk in self-satisfaction. Next stop, Persephone. He strode to the bottom of the winding stone staircase lit with blue torches and yelled for Pain and Panic, but they didn't appear. Huffing, his black cloud billows around his feet rose and he increased his speed to their room to look for them.
He opened the door to a loud and very dubious party. Colored lights rotated around the room, splashing the walls with a kalaidescope. Pain and Panic lounged on pillows with Pleasure and Peace, stoned out of their minds. Lava lamps flowed and loud grunge rock music blared from an unseen source as they looked up at Hades with bloodshot eyes. Pain hastily snuffed out the pot joint on one of the pillows, missing the floor in his shock at seeing his pissed-off master. Pleasure and Peace, who had had their heads in their laps staring at the light show on the ceiling, now shot up and hid behind them.
"WHAT IS THIS???" Hades roared, throwing his hands up wildly.
Panic laughed lethargically. "Peace, Man!" he made the peace sign with his fingers. Hades blew his top, literally.
"Have a piece of THIS!" he yelled, zapping the music, the lights, and the imps off their pillows. They streaked out of the room with Pleasure and Peace right behind. Hades stormed off to the throne room.
Note to self...fire Pain and Panic, literally.
As soon as I put the moves on Sunshine...
In a flash, he had set a table for two complete with a candelabra. This would be a private party, no minions allowed. And now, the lure...
He had Panic steal Persephone's pendant she always kept around her neck except when she slept, and despite his hangover, he swiped it off the table next to her bed. When she came running and huffing into the dining room, she stopped short upon seeing the new Hades.
"Looking for this?" he held up the pendant. Persephone got a dazed look on her face and seemed to have forgotten about it.
"Huh?"
"Need a reminder? Your most prized possession, the one you never leave home or the Underworld without? You know, like the Greek Express card?"
"Oh, that." she said absentmindedly, staring at him. Hades smirked. His new look was working. Narcissis, I owe you one...
He had to keep the mood going. He was on a roll. He snapped his fingers as slow music started and food trays appeared. Finally, Persephone found her voice.
"Who are you and what have you done with Hades?"
Hades chuckled, smoothly reaching out smoke tendrils to drape the chain around her neck.
He leaned back in the chair and put his booted feet up on it, then lit a cigar. "I kidnapped him and held him for ransom, my sweet."
"Very funny."
Persephone was finding it increasingly hard to keep up the sarcastic and oblivious act when this new and improved stud was in front of her. "Nice leather." she continued, trying to sound casual. "How many animals did you have to kill to get those pants?"
Hades laughed, then blew a heart shaped smoke ring over her head. "You got a good sense of humor, you know that? You'd think we were related."
Seph took a sip of her pomegranite wine, now thankfully devoid of seeds, and stared at him over the rim. Gods, he looked hot! Hot, oh, I just made a funny...
She chuckled to herself, which made Hades narrow his eyes with pleasure. Hook, line and sinker...
"You know, you're almost civilized tonight." she continued, smirking. "But I'm still gonna keep one eye open when I sleep." Hades slinked over behind her and leaned over her chair, his form misting and curling all around her.
"You won't have to worry about sleeping tonight." he said in a low seductive tone that made her shiver though she tried desperately to hide it.
"Uh..." Persephone hesitated..."check please."