The Downfall of Han Part 2: #2.
----Outside----
Yoda jigs about impatiently outside, waving his stick excitedly and attracting a few dubious gazes as he waits for the bouncer to attract Han's attention and bring him outside.
----Inside----
Han: And I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-eeeee-I, will alwaaaaaaays…
Leia: (horrified beyond belief) I can't stand much more of this, Luke.
Luke: There's got to be a way we can get him down.
Leia: Believe me, I've been thinking since he got up there. But once Han gets going with his karaoke… (shudders)
Bouncer: (off stage, waving frantically at Han, who is lost in song) Sir! Excuse me! Could you… Hello? There's someone to see you!
Han: Love yooooooooooo-oooooou!
Luke: (pointing) I think that guy is trying to get Han's attention.
Leia: Looks that way. (shaking her head) There's no way he's going to manage that.
Luke: (waving madly at Han) Han!
Han: (breaking off from his singing) Come on, Sweatsniffer, can you keep your groupie tendencies under control for once?
Luke: For God's sake, Han, that guy over there has been trying to get your attention for ages!
Han: (turning around and clocking the bouncer) Well, he'll have to form an orderly queue, like the rest of them.
Bouncer: (giving up on Han, and heading over towards Luke and Leia) Is he with you?
Leia: Unfortunately. (wincing as Han fails to hit a particularly high note, mutters to a grinning Luke) There should be a law against this sort of thing.
Bouncer: There's someone outside to see him.
Leia: (snorts) Unless it's female and under 25, he'll not want to know.
Bouncer: Well, whoever it is, they're definitely underage. But it's a he. Short, green, hairy, bit eccentric?
C-3PO: Oh, Master Luke, it must be…
R2-D2 bleeps excitedly.
Luke: That's Yoda. (to Leia) I'd better go and see what he wants.
Leia nods. C-3PO watches anxiously as Luke quickly strides out of the bar and out the door onto the street.
----Outside----
Luke: Yoda! What are you doing here?
Yoda: (unimpressed) I've been trying to convince them to let me in. Obi Wan has informed me that a group of Stormtroopers are planning to infiltrate this area of town in a midnight attack. I need you to help clear the area.
Luke: No problem.
Yoda: Apparently they were tipped off that you'd be here tonight.
Luke: (frowning) But I didn't even know I'd be here tonight. It was Han's idea…
Yoda: Yes, well. It seems Han has been bragging to everyone he meets about his… talents in the karaoke field.
Luke: Figures.
Yoda: You must get to work straight away, Luke. And… (pausing sheepishly, as Luke turns to go back inside) I… I don't suppose you could get me inside, could you?
----Inside----
Luke: (to Leia) We need to get out of here. I'll explain later. What's going on?
Leia: Han's going loco down in Acapulco, C-3PO and R2-D2 have gone to the toilet together… typical of droids, they can never go on their own when they're out. And I've got a sudden urge to throw something sharp in his direction. (gestures to Han)
Yoda: (muttering) They should have kept him in the carbonite when they had the chance.
Han: (to audience, which is slowly diminishing as he carries on) Come on, guys! Sing along! You know the words!
Luke: Han, we've got to get out of here.
Han: (waving Luke away) Can it wait, Wormie?
Yoda: (jumping up and tugging Luke's sleeve) Forget it, Luke. Leave him.
Leia: (with some difficulty) We can't just leave him behind, Yoda.
Luke: Yeah, Leia's right, we have to take him with us.
Yoda: (rolling eyes) Figures you two would be on the same side. What happened to Jedi solidarity, hmm?! Fine. (toddles over to the edge of the stage and reaches up to jab Han sharply- possibly overly sharply- with his stick). Han! Get down here!
Luke is filling Leia in on what Yoda has already told him.
Han: (wincing at the pain but putting on brave face) Look, Leia, if you wanted me you could have just asked yourself, you know. No need for Yoda to…
Leia: (losing patience) For God's sake Han, if you don't get your arse off that stage in a minute we're all gonna be rounded up by an army of Stormtroopers and then you'll be even more to blame than you already are, thanks to your self-congratulatory website which tracks your every move. This has got nothing to do with you and me.
Han: (looking sceptical) Whatever you say, Leia. (to everyone else) Don't worry, guys. Leave this one to me.
Yoda: (throwing stick to floor and holding head desperately in hands) Now look what you've done.
----Five minutes later----
The bar is apparently fast becoming surrounded by Vader's squeaky-clean henchmen. Han is still finding time to congratulate himself.
Han: (surveying the scene) I'm a dab hand at evacuating people, if I do say so myself. (barking at Luke) Scabpicker! Fetch me a mirror.
Leia: I think that has more to do with your singing…
Han: Did someone speak? Ah. (takes mirror from Luke) Ooh. Looking good, Hanny-boy.
C-3PO: (quietly, to Luke) Master Luke, forgive me, but I don't think…
Han: (shouting over everyone else) Right. This is what we're going to do.
Luke and Leia are already conferring.
Luke: We could always check if the back door is locked. I doubt they've got that far yet.
Leia: It's a start, I…
Han: (booming) You there! Yogi!
Yoda: (glaring daggers at Han and trying to remember the virtues of patience) Yoda.
Han: No, no, I'm Han. H-A-N. H for handsome, A for irresistible, N for… naked in your fantasies. And it seems I've had yet another flash of brilliance. (to silent room) You can thank me later, guys. But first, Yeti here is going to check the back door to see if it's locked. I doubt they've got that far yet.
Leia: But that wasn't your…
Han: Do you ever stop talking, Leia? (mimicking) 'Hello, I'm Leia, I'd like to talk about ME for a while.' Honestly. Some people just don't know when to shut up.
Yoda has gone to check the door.
Yoda: (muttering to self, furious) He can forget about a Christmas present now. Someone else will just have to buy him that life-size cutout of himself. (rattles handle a few times) Locked, it is.
Han: See, Skiptrawler? Your plan sucks.
Luke: But… you just told him…
Han: Yeah, I know, kid. It bites that you'll never be as good as me, right? I don't blame you for being bitter and twisted. But if you want to get out of here alive then I suggest you shut your trap and listen to me, okay? Right. (casts eyes around desperately) A plan. Which I'm… working on. Just… (snapping at them as they all watch expectantly) Give me a little space, would you? Jeez. You'll all get your chance later on. Okay. Right.
----Five minutes later----
Han: Won't be a minute, now. I'm just… formulating the finer details of my magnificent plan. This one is really going to astound you.
Leia: Hmmm. Wonder where I've heard that one before.
Han: (shooting her a huge grin, not picking up on the sarcasm) Okay, listen up, people, I'm talking now. We're going to escape through the skylight.
Yoda curses in a very un-Yoda-like manner under his breath. Luke looks dubious. Leia rolls her eyes at the utter crapness of it all.
Han: You can tell me how great I am later, guys. Right now we need to get this thing on the road! (Exuberantly) Yeah! Come on! (flexes muscles)
Luke: Han, they're practically IN the building now. There's no way we're gonna get out by using the roof.
Han: (ignoring him) Who's going first? (without waiting for an answer) Alright, if you insist. I'll do it. (to Yoda, conspirationally) Honestly. I bet you were tearing your hair out when you realised Pukey Luke here was your Jedi Knight! You wanted someone like me, I'll bet. You know.
Yoda: (muttering) I'm sure you're about the enlighten me.
Leia: Han! For God's sake if you're going, go!
Han: Be quiet, Leia. (to Yoda) Brave, strong, clever. Able to get out of difficult situations just like that (clicks fingers).
Han finally gets over himself and with the help of Luke and Leia manages to reach the skylight, stepping on Yoda and R2-D2 in the process. Yoda brandishes his stick angrily. R2-D2 bleeps indignantly.
Luke: (to Leia) There's no way this is gonna work. They'll be waiting for him out there.
Yoda: So there IS a God.
Leia: Han… Han, are you…
Han: Bloody hell, Leia, I'm surprised you're not suffering for permanent laryngitis, the way you carry on. (pushes open skylight and peers out warily, suddenly not so brave) Ah.
C-3PO: What is it? (anxiously) What's going on?
Han: Nothing, nothing. Well, it looks like we're going to have to make a run for it. So when I make it and you don't, being far too slow (flicks boot into Luke's face), I just want you to remember who tried to help you get out of this mess.
Leia: (to Luke) If he doesn't shut up in a minute and locate his brain, I swear I'm gonna kill him myself.
Han: (stalling) So how about a song, guys? Just to see you all off. What do you say? Teenage Dirtbag? (pointedly looking at Luke) No, no, I've got it. Old Before I Die!
Leia: (almost in tears) I don't know what's worse. Being blasted to pieces by a Stromtrooper or having to listen to Han sing a Robbie Williams song.
Han: (full of renewed energy) Come on! Yeah! (punches air) She's taking me places, I should never have seen… Guys, JOIN IN! She's showing me faces, I should never have seen…
Luke, Leia, Yoda and C-3PO: (halfheartedly) Well these are strange days, we're living in today…
Han: (far too loudly) C'est la vie I say!!!! I hope I'm old before I die…
Yoda: Wait a minute! Listen! What's that sound?
Running footsteps can be heard outside the building, as well as fervent scrabbling on the roof.
Han: (Peeking out again) Wait a minute… Oh. My. God. I am so fantastic I surprise even my self sometimes.
Leia: What the hell are you talking about, Han?
Han: They're leaving! And they look damn scared, too. Must have been my secret warning that I broadcast without any of you knowing. At the first glimpse of my blaster pistol they realised their chances were nil.
Leia: (dryly) It's not that impressive, Han.
Han: Rubbish. Compared it to Wormstalker's lightsaber and… well, there's no comparison.
Luke snorts.
Han: Aren't you gonna thank me then, guys?
Leia: Han, you do realise that the only thing that drove them away was…
Han: (interrupting) My famed battle techniques, yes.
Luke: (losing patience) It was your singing, cockhead!
Han: That moved you to tears? (grins and puffs chest off) Don't think I didn't notice, Sheepfeeler. (to everyone) Now, how about a hearty rendition of I Got You Babe? Bagsy Cher's part!