The Downfall of Han Part 3

A/N: Thanks to the people who have reviewed so far. Again, this is all in fun, yadda yadda yadda, all characters etc belong to George Lucas and his Star Wars empire.

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Han, Luke, Leia and Chewie are having a well-earned day off at the funfair. Chewie has gone to buy candyfloss. Leia is enthusiastically pointing at the biggest ride in the park, The Void.

Leia: Come on, guys! We have to go on that!

Luke: I don't know, it looks kinda fast…

Han: (pushing Luke roughly to one side) As if. Ha. (laughs to himself) You really haven't done anything with your life, have you, Wormie? (mimicking, very badly) "It looks kinda fast. Blah blah blah, I'm a wimp, blah blah blah…" You want to save the universe sometime, Slimeboy. Then you'd know what I felt like when I…

Luke: Bailed?

Han: Who defeated the Dark Side? Just remind me again, creep?

Luke: It wasn't y…

Leia: (interrupting) Maybe we should go on some other stuff first and come back later. Chewie'll want to come on with us, anyway. It wouldn't be fair on him.

Han: Who?

Luke: Chewie.

Han: Who?

Luke: Chewie. Your best friend Chewie. Remember?

Han: Shut up, Wormboy. (to Leia) What's say we ditch this freak and go check out the Hall of Mirrors? (smoothes back hair)

Leia: Luke and I wanted to go on the ghost train.

Han: (booming) Trying to hitch a ride home, are we, Slugly? (to Leia) I understand. You don't know if you could control yourself around so many reflections of my gorgeousness. Don't worry. I'm not surprised. It's not the first time someone has fainted dead away at the sight of me…

Luke: (ignoring him) Come on, Leia, let's go.

Leia and Luke head towards the ghost train. With a loud sigh Han follows, winking exaggeratedly at some bemused passers-by.

Han: Honestly. The things I do for you people. It's a good job I'm so damn thoughtful. Too thoughtful, sometimes, I know. But someone has to look out for the welfare of the group.

Leia: (exchanging dubious glances with Luke) Here comes Chewie now, look, Han.

Han: Who?

Leia: (patiently) Chewie.

Han: So you don't have to sit on your own after all, Skidmarker!

Luke: But…

Han: Come on, Leia, let's leave these goons to their own cart. I know I told you to pretend that you weren't pathetically obsessed with me when we were in public… I do have my fans to think of, after all. But really. You don't have to go this far. I'm supposed to be the fantastic actor, remember? (shoving people out the way to get to the front of the train)

Leia: Han, I…

Han: Sshhh, not so loud. People will hear you.

Leia: I didn't mean…

Han: Can you just be quiet? You're interrupting my flashes of blinding inspiration here, Princess.

A few seats back Luke and Chewie are sat waiting for the ride to start. Chewie is taking up most of the room in the cart, leaving Luke to perch his skinny arse right on the edge of the seat.

Luke: You'd better hold onto me, Chewie, I don't wanna fall out.

Chewie: (putting his hand on Luke's head and ruffling his hair agreeably. Aw.) Rrrraaaaawwwwwooooaaarrrrr!

The ride starts to clunk down the track, a pathetically un-scary ghost train ride.

Han: (to Leia, who is looking slightly bored of Han's wittering on) So, as I was saying to Lando, he really shouldn't bother coming out with me if he wants to meet any girls. I'm just too… (breaks off, screaming) AAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

A man dressed very obviously in a white sheet has just wavered in front of the train.

Leia: (trying very hard not to laugh) Are you alright, Han?

Han: Fine. Absolutely fine. I just… AARRRRRRRRRRRRGH! (screams again at the sight of an open coffin propped up again the wall of the ride)

Leia: But you just…

Han: Trapped my foot under the seat. Yes, I know. No need to make a fuss, Leia. Honestly. (rolls eyes)

Leia: I wasn't, I mean, it was you… screaming like that…

Han: Sensitive arches, that's all. And I wasn't screaming. You must have mistaken me for someone else. (pointedly nodding towards Luke)

Leia: I don't think so…

Han: Come on, Leia, I know you have some kind of inexplicable soft spot for him, but you have to admit if anyone was going to scream like a girl it'd be… (jumping wildly and screeching in terror) AAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!

This time, a slimy green hand has reached out at the train as it goes by. Han is now sweating profusely, his hands shaking.

Leia: It's almost over now, Han, you'll be…

Han: God, I bet Wormie is terrified. (looking back) Just as I thought. Absolutely shitting his pants. I told him those Big Boy Pants were a mistake in the first place. (self-congratulatory) Intuitive, that's me. Oh yes.

Leia looks back but only sees Luke with a big grin on his face, him and Chewie looking distinctly unimpressed with the horrors on offer. As the ride ends Han stumbles out and attempts to regain his balance, edging away from the ride.

Han: Won't be a minute. I'm just, um, going to the toilet. I think I left my, erm, um, my comb in there…

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The next ride they come to is the log flume, with people riding around in plastic logs. Luke races over to the queue, followed by Leia and Chewie, who is trying to eat candyfloss and getting it hopelessly stuck in his fur. Han wavers on the edge of the queue.

Luke: (grinning) Don't you want to come with us, Han? There's room.

Han: (puffs chest out) Like there ever wouldn't be room for me. (sidling up to Leia) If you want to see a really impressive log, then I could arrange it… courtesy of ME, of course. (stands in what he appears to believe is a seductive pose)

Leia: Um…

Luke: Are you coming?

Leia: (thankful to have been cut off from answering) Yeah, come on, Han.

Han: I… I'd better not.

Chewie: Rrrrwwwwwwaaaaaoooooooorrrrrr?

Han: It's the water, you see, I wouldn't want to mess up my devastatingly handsome self, would I? Just think what would happen to my hair! (throws back head to demonstrate) It took me hours to get it like this! I couldn't possibly risk it.

Leia: Fair enough. Come on, Luke, I wanna sit at the front!

Han: God, Leia. You are just sooo self obsessed.

Ten minutes later Leia, Luke and Chewie have finished their ride and are looking for Han.

Luke: I can't see him anywhere.

Leia: He must be around somewhere. I told him to wait out here for us.

Chewie: Rrrrwwwwwwooooooaaaarrrrrr!

Luke: Wait a minute, isn't that him over there?

A figure that looks suspiciously like Han is spinning round and round in the teacups nearby, arms in the air, shrieking excitedly.

Han: Wooooooo! Woooohoooo! Oh yeah, this is the stuff! (to the bored-looking attendant) Faster, faster! Eeeeee!

Attendant: I'm afraid your time is up, sir…

Han: Here, here. Have some more tokens. This is an amaaaaazing ride! I've never been on something so exhilarating! (spotting Leia and Luke stood close by) Oh. Um, hi guys. I was just… testing this thing out. (scrambling out and striding over quickly, handing some coins to the attendant surreptitiously) It looked a bit unsafe, see, when I was stood watching it, and I didn't want anyone to fall out or anything. So, having one of my legendary flashes of absolute stellar brilliance (Luke yawns) I thought I'd do the brave thing and make sure no one was going to be hurt. After all, I am Han Solo, The People's Hero. I saw it as my duty.

Leia: (dryly) Really?

Han: You want to stop being so damn opinionated, Leia, or I might just change my mind about you and leave you to Wormface here. (shudders) Just imagine that! Urgh!

Leia: There's no need to…

Han: I mean, at least I can stand up and say "I'm a man!" (pokes Luke in the stomach) What about you, you little toerag? I bet you couldn't even find your…

Chewie: Rrrrrrrrwwwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

To be continued…