The Downfall Of Han Part 3
Continued…
Han has suggested a trip to the Hall of Mirrors. Neither Chewie, Luke or Leia are particularly interested, but Han won't take no for an answer.
Han: Come on! It'd be a crime not to see me reflected so many times!
Leia: (bitterly, to Luke) Is it a crime to push someone under the wheels of the ghost train?
Han: Follow me, Wormhead! (puts arm round Luke's shoulders and almost knocks the kid over) Just because your scrubby little reflection isn't worthy of a mirror, doesn't mean mine isn't.
Inside.
Han: (to no one in particular) Never fear! (punches air) Handsome Han is in the house!
Chewie: Rrrraaaaaaaaooooooowwwwwwwwwwwrrrrrrr! (jabs at his distorted mirror image)
Luke: Hey, look at this one! It looks like I have a huge head!
Han: (snorts) You wish, Manstalker. I know I'm incredibly attractive, but you haven't even got a…
Leia: Hey, this one's free, it makes you look all…
Han: Another mirror?! (booming) Then WHY isn't MY reflection in it? (knocks Leia out the way and flashes his teeth exaggeratedly) Damn, I'm just too good!
Chewie is stood in front of a mirror that makes his whole body appear squashed. Han shoots past him, evidently ecstatic, and stands in front of another one.
Han: Haha, this one makes you look tiny! Hey, Puke! One here for you! (waves him over) My head looks like a pin!
Leia: (muttering to self) It's a shame…
Han: (interrupting) That I didn't wear my leather trousers? I was thinking the exact same thing.
Leia: I wasn't going to say…
Han: Anything? I know, I know, but it's hard… (chuckles to self) sorry, difficult, isn't it, to ignore my exquisite form? (hooks fingers in belt loops in a bid to accentuate his… yeah) But I understand if you don't wanna embarrass the weedy kid here.
Leia: (crossly) God, you're unbelievable, Han, you know that? (stalks off)
Han: (nodding in smug agreement) As a matter of fact, I do. I get that a lot. (to himself) Oh yes. Looking good, Hanny-boy.
* * * * *
Three hours later, Luke and Leia have managed to drag Han out of the Hall of Mirrors.
Leia: Now, how about we go get a ride on The Void before it…
Han: (butting in) How about you give it a rest, huh, Leia? Let me decide what we do for a change.
Luke: Like what?
Han: Well, I'm surprised we haven't had to take you to the toilets, myself. Seeing yourself reflected so many times must've turned your stomach something hideous. But I suppose you're used to that. (claps Luke on the back and speaks importantly) I suggest we go and get our fortunes read.
Leia: (desperately) But Luke and I…
Luke: We wanted to go on The Void, Han.
Han: (stepping intentionally on Luke's foot) Two against me. I win.
In the fortune teller's tent, Han is sat as the fortune teller waves her hands over the crystal ball on the table between them. Han is using the opportunity to check out his reflection.
Fortune teller: Sir, could you just move out the way a moment? You're taking over the…
Han: Won't be a minute. I know I'm devastating twenty four hours a day, but it's always courteous to keep a check on these things, I feel. Otherwise it simply wouldn't be in keeping with my modest personality.
Fortune teller: I see… ah… yellow…
Han: Ah. Yes. (sits back, proudly) I am the sunshine in everyone's life, after all.
Fortune teller: Yellow is essentially the colour of a coward…
Han: (shouting outside) Pukehead! Move out the way a bit! You're contaminating the ball!
Fortune teller: And a large, furry creature…
Han: Who?
Fortune teller: A tall, hairy…
Han: Who?
Fortune teller: (quickly) Well, moving on… I see a girl, too.
Han: (self-satisfied smirk) Just the one?
Fortune teller: So it seems… a proud, dark haired girl- do you recognize her?
Han: Oh yes. That's Leia. She's…
Fortune teller: I sense unrequited love…
Han: (laughing manically) Well, not to brag or anything, but she is rather taken with me, I've had quite an effect on…
Fortune teller: It is you who is unrequited, I feel, sir, I can see it all here…
Han: Nonsense. You've got it all wrong. (laughs again)
Fortune teller: I sense she does not feel the same way about you.
Han: (raising voice highly) Preposterous! Don't you know who I am? I'm Han 'Sex God' Solo! (totally inappropriate pelvic thrust) When women close their eyes my naked form is what they dream about! Now, if you finished inspecting what you see in my ball, I'll be off. (sweeps out dramatically) Honestly. (to Leia, as Luke goes inside the tent for his turn) She'll be telling Wormie there he's some kind of hero next.
Inside the fortune teller's tent. Luke is having his fortune told.
Fortune teller: I see you are underappreciated now, sir, but I can tell you all this is going to change soon.
Luke: I…
Han: (poking his head inside) He's got nothing to be appreciated for! (ducks back outside)
Fortune teller: I see great things have being achieved by you…
Han: (poking head around again) You should have told me you managed to grow your first pube, Puke!
Fortune teller: (trying to ignore Han's interruptions) You have some good friends, I feel…
Han: (back again) Well, not to blow my own trumpet… (blatantly not embarrassed) Oh, but now I'm embarrassed. I treat you too good sometimes you know, Slughead!
* * * * *
Ten minutes later. Leia is now having her fortune told.
Fortune teller: I see… family…
Han: (poking his head around the tent flap) That's right. She kissed her brother once, you know. Hideous business. Only did it once though, didn't you, Leia? I can't imagine Sicksniffer out here being any good at, well, anything. She certainly didn't go in for a repeat performance, I can tell you! Whereas with me… well… (adopts blatantly exaggerated suggestive look) Use your imagination, it's not difficult, I know I'm pretty much God's gift, even if I do say so myself…
Leia grabs the crystal ball off the table and throws it in Han's direction. A second later, he is writhing around on the floor, clutching his bits and shrieking in a high-pitched wail.
Han: IIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!