A/N: Finally stopped being lazy and edited the Baudelaire's last name
spelling, which I screwed up in this first chapter. *hits herself over the
head and walks away muttering something about VFD* Placed and written
before Carnivorous Carnival.
If you have ever looked up the word "Unfortunate" in a dictionary, you will find that there is a picture of Beatrice and I on the night of her death. It was "Unfortunate" that I was there. It was "Unfortunate" that she died... well, was murdered. It is "Unfortunate" that I have the sad job of telling this woeful story. It would also be "Unfortunate" for you to pick up this book on a bright sunny day (Something I haven't seen in a while) and think, "My, what an interesting book!" It would also be "Unfortunate" for you to continue reading it, and have the Baudelaires' sad, sad life, ruin your sunny day.
But if you looked up the word "Terrible" you would find these books that I have written. You would find a picture of the Baudelaires. If you looked under "Terrible" there may also be many other things such as being chained in a chair that is locked in a sewer, with rats gnawing at your feet until you finished your time for snitching paper and ink to write this sad tale. You may also find burnt waffles and broken windows, but all these do not compare to the Baudelaires "Terrible" life after the "Terrible" fire, in which their parents died.
But if by chance you were to look up the word "AUGHHH!!!", you would find the three Baudelaires curled up in the trunk of Olaf's car, the man that had followed them wherever they went. Broken wine bottles were scraping their legs, and, from what they could see from the light coming in through the bullet holes, there were eyes. Eyes were plastered all over the walls of the trunk. They seemed to be watching the Baudelaires. This was how their whole life, since the terrible fire that destroyed their home and killed their parents, seemed. Being stuck in the worst places with people always watching. The car bounced as it went over some potholes and the eldest Baudelaires hit her head.
"Oww!" Violet whispered as quietly as she could so that Olaf and his theater groupe couldn't hear her. She rubbed her head.
You might find it pleasant to take a nice hot bath instead of continuing to read this book. Maybe you should go eat corn muffins. But I strongly advise you NOT TO cONTiNue TO read This bOOk. NOw There are many reasONs why aN auThOr mighT capiTilize every N, O, aNd T iN Their bOOk. They mighT have fiNally gaiNed a TON, sOmeThiNg They have waNTed TO dO since They were liTTle, Or maybe They jusT really like capiTilizing leTTers. BuT The reasON I'm dOing This is TO Tell yOu NOT TO read This bOOk. Besides ruiNiNg yOur suNNy day, iT wOuld make yOu waNT TO jump Off The nearesT TOwer, like The eldesT Baudelaire was almOsT fOrced TO dO. I musT geT ON wiTh Telling This dreadful tale, a wOrd ThaT here meaNs iT wOuld be mOre fuN TO play wiTh a gOrilla afTer shampOOiNg with baNaNas, sO This is my lasT warNiNg TO ThrOw This iN The garbage caN, aNd ruN away as fasT as pOssible iN The OppOsiTe direcTiON, aNd enjOy The suNNy day.
"Stop elbowing me!" ordered Klaus quietly.
"Whadgabosa!" Which means something like, "But you're sitting on me, Klaus!" Sunny squealed back impatiently.
"Will you both stop bickering?!" a word that here means, fighting incessantly, Violet said while 'shushing' them.
The good-hearted brother soon replied after realizing that he was grumpy, "I'm sorry that I yelled at you Sunny. I'm just grumpy, I guess." Klaus gave his sister a hug.
"Amunesqoas," which means something like, "It's OK. I'm sorry that I was grumpy back." She nibbled his hand affectionately.
"And I'm sorry that I had the crummy idea to get in this trunk," Violet said to herself.
They all sat in silence while they pondered, a word that here means thought in the dark of the car, about what had happened to them over the past year. Their parents had died in a fire, they had been moved from house to house to shack ever since Olaf had decided he wanted their money, and they had been stuck in the worst situations. It was good that they had decided to sit in silence or else they wouldn't have heard the car stop.
Then someone spoke in a high snotty voice, "Oh dear, we seemed to have run out of gas. How annoying! Someone deal with this. I'm going to have a cucumber." It was Esmè. Now munching on cucumbers was "in" instead of drinking aquatic martinis.
They heard her beginning to nibble the cucumber. Then a scratchy voice that had haunted them for so long spoke. "Get my bag out of the back of the car. It has money for gas." It was Olaf. Suddenly the Blaudiars realized that they were sitting in the trunk of the car!
A few tense seconds passed as they heard one of Olaf's assistants get out his or her keys.
"Wait!" They heard Esmè's voice say. For the second time in their life they were glad to hear it. The first time was when she pushed them down the elevator shaft, because when they heard her voice they had known that they had survived the fall. "I don't want you to use smelly money! It's been sitting back there with your dirty clothing! What will people think if the 8th most important person in the city uses smelly money!?"
The Baudelaire children, to their relief, heard the jingle of the keys as they were put back into someone's pocket.
If you have ever looked up the word "Unfortunate" in a dictionary, you will find that there is a picture of Beatrice and I on the night of her death. It was "Unfortunate" that I was there. It was "Unfortunate" that she died... well, was murdered. It is "Unfortunate" that I have the sad job of telling this woeful story. It would also be "Unfortunate" for you to pick up this book on a bright sunny day (Something I haven't seen in a while) and think, "My, what an interesting book!" It would also be "Unfortunate" for you to continue reading it, and have the Baudelaires' sad, sad life, ruin your sunny day.
But if you looked up the word "Terrible" you would find these books that I have written. You would find a picture of the Baudelaires. If you looked under "Terrible" there may also be many other things such as being chained in a chair that is locked in a sewer, with rats gnawing at your feet until you finished your time for snitching paper and ink to write this sad tale. You may also find burnt waffles and broken windows, but all these do not compare to the Baudelaires "Terrible" life after the "Terrible" fire, in which their parents died.
But if by chance you were to look up the word "AUGHHH!!!", you would find the three Baudelaires curled up in the trunk of Olaf's car, the man that had followed them wherever they went. Broken wine bottles were scraping their legs, and, from what they could see from the light coming in through the bullet holes, there were eyes. Eyes were plastered all over the walls of the trunk. They seemed to be watching the Baudelaires. This was how their whole life, since the terrible fire that destroyed their home and killed their parents, seemed. Being stuck in the worst places with people always watching. The car bounced as it went over some potholes and the eldest Baudelaires hit her head.
"Oww!" Violet whispered as quietly as she could so that Olaf and his theater groupe couldn't hear her. She rubbed her head.
You might find it pleasant to take a nice hot bath instead of continuing to read this book. Maybe you should go eat corn muffins. But I strongly advise you NOT TO cONTiNue TO read This bOOk. NOw There are many reasONs why aN auThOr mighT capiTilize every N, O, aNd T iN Their bOOk. They mighT have fiNally gaiNed a TON, sOmeThiNg They have waNTed TO dO since They were liTTle, Or maybe They jusT really like capiTilizing leTTers. BuT The reasON I'm dOing This is TO Tell yOu NOT TO read This bOOk. Besides ruiNiNg yOur suNNy day, iT wOuld make yOu waNT TO jump Off The nearesT TOwer, like The eldesT Baudelaire was almOsT fOrced TO dO. I musT geT ON wiTh Telling This dreadful tale, a wOrd ThaT here meaNs iT wOuld be mOre fuN TO play wiTh a gOrilla afTer shampOOiNg with baNaNas, sO This is my lasT warNiNg TO ThrOw This iN The garbage caN, aNd ruN away as fasT as pOssible iN The OppOsiTe direcTiON, aNd enjOy The suNNy day.
"Stop elbowing me!" ordered Klaus quietly.
"Whadgabosa!" Which means something like, "But you're sitting on me, Klaus!" Sunny squealed back impatiently.
"Will you both stop bickering?!" a word that here means, fighting incessantly, Violet said while 'shushing' them.
The good-hearted brother soon replied after realizing that he was grumpy, "I'm sorry that I yelled at you Sunny. I'm just grumpy, I guess." Klaus gave his sister a hug.
"Amunesqoas," which means something like, "It's OK. I'm sorry that I was grumpy back." She nibbled his hand affectionately.
"And I'm sorry that I had the crummy idea to get in this trunk," Violet said to herself.
They all sat in silence while they pondered, a word that here means thought in the dark of the car, about what had happened to them over the past year. Their parents had died in a fire, they had been moved from house to house to shack ever since Olaf had decided he wanted their money, and they had been stuck in the worst situations. It was good that they had decided to sit in silence or else they wouldn't have heard the car stop.
Then someone spoke in a high snotty voice, "Oh dear, we seemed to have run out of gas. How annoying! Someone deal with this. I'm going to have a cucumber." It was Esmè. Now munching on cucumbers was "in" instead of drinking aquatic martinis.
They heard her beginning to nibble the cucumber. Then a scratchy voice that had haunted them for so long spoke. "Get my bag out of the back of the car. It has money for gas." It was Olaf. Suddenly the Blaudiars realized that they were sitting in the trunk of the car!
A few tense seconds passed as they heard one of Olaf's assistants get out his or her keys.
"Wait!" They heard Esmè's voice say. For the second time in their life they were glad to hear it. The first time was when she pushed them down the elevator shaft, because when they heard her voice they had known that they had survived the fall. "I don't want you to use smelly money! It's been sitting back there with your dirty clothing! What will people think if the 8th most important person in the city uses smelly money!?"
The Baudelaire children, to their relief, heard the jingle of the keys as they were put back into someone's pocket.