~*~
N: We now return to part two. (annoyed) OH! I hate two part STORIES! Can't writers just whip up a three-minute episode or something?! Oh well, I better not continue…I need this week's salary… Anyway! Happy, happy! We come to the security room where Guido and Polly have been sitting ducks for the last half-hour...
Guido: (looking at the TV monitors) You can see every room in the Palace from here!
Polly: (off the subject) That Speedy is so DEAD! I'LL GRIND HIS BONES INTO SAND!!
Guido: (gulp!) Jeez Polly, he probably just went to the toilet or something. He'll be back. What's the matter Polly you miss him? (smiling)
Polly: (blushing) You are so immature sometimes...
"KNOCK KNOCK"
Guido: It's for you.
Polly: (sighing) its probably Al just checking up on us.
(Polly opens the door)
Speedy: WOOOOOOOOOOOO those stairs! They HICK UP! just keep going up and HICK UP! up and up and HICK UP! up and...
Guido: That's funny, Al looks allot like Speedy....
Polly: (very cross) SPEEDY?! Where have you been?! Checking out girls no doubt you slacker! Well you can prepare for the frying pan beating of a LIFETIME!
Speedy: Guido HICK UP! nice to HICK UP! see you (pat's Polly on the back)
Polly: (with an odd face) Speedy you bonehead stop playing games! I'm Polly!
Speedy: (looks at Guido) And Polly HICK UP! darling have you lost weight? I told
you that milkshake diet HICK UP! would work in no time! HICK UP! (hugs him)
Guido: (very scared) Speedy get off a me! And don't call me Polly, what an insult!
Polly: Why I outta…! (clenching a fist)
Speedy: Well go ahead and just HICK UP! hurt my HICK UP! feelings like that and
shout HICK UP! at me for no good HICK UP! reason. You guys are so cruel…HICK UP!
Guido: Ah Polly, come and look at this…(holding something in his hand)
Polly: A garbage bag full of alcohol? Speedy you didn't…!
Speedy: (dazed, looking up) Helloooooooooooo sky!
Guido: Polly when big Al finds out Speedy got drunk we're all going to get fired!
Polly: (the prospect of this boils her to rage point) SPEEDY!! Did you just hear what Guido said?! We could get FIRED! You're so selfish Speedy, not ONCE did you think how much trouble we are all going to get in because of you!
Speedy: Listen Guido HICK UP! (looking at Polly) You take this red bottle HICK UP! as a present from me since I love HICK UP! to spread goodness to all! Now I'm going to HICK UP! check outside for the Germans....
Guido and Polly: (looking at each other oddly) Germans?
Guido: Hey where did he go?
Polly: He left? NO!
Guido: Damn Speedy! His only weaknesses are alcohol and 'Josie and the Pussycats!'
(Polly opens the red bottle Speedy gave her)
Polly: Smells like tar, but still kind of tempting...I am pretty thirsty.
Guido: Now Polly maybe you shouldn't…we don't know what's in there! It could be poison or cat pee! You remember what happened in that episode when you drank that mysterious drink. It made you run so fast you wound up Egypt!
Polly: (annoyed) Yes I remember moron! Maybe just a little sip…
N: I guess we will find out later what happened with them. For now let's go back to the center stage. And yes ladies and gentlemen, Princess Vi's speech is still going...(yawn)
Vi: (extremely cheery) And I would also like to mention that we will be serving macadamia nuts that have not been dipped in salt for health reasons since it causes high blood pressure which is bad for you and that's not good!
Crowd: *YAWN*
Vi: Also on the menu tonight we have Seymour Cheese's strawberry punch and...
BC: (announcing himself) The finest and most delicious punch that you will ever have the chance to experience!
Vi: (annoyed at this sudden outburst) SIT DOWN!!
(Big Cheese gulps and sits down)
Vi: Anyway you can all go and taste it now if you like since I am ending my speech...
Crowd: YAY!
N: YAY!
Vi: (fed up) WELL FINE! Just make sure you try the drinks or your going to Prisoner Island THE LOT OF YOU!
Vi's servant: Ah your Hinas...if I may…
Vi: WHAT?! I'm trying to be good hostess!
Vi's servant: All the wine and champagne has well, disappeared...
(Meanwhile…)
Speedy: (singing) "28 bottles of beer on the wall, 28 bottles of beer!" La la la la la.......I wonder what HICK UP! comes after the letter 28?
N: Speedy who is now extremely drunk and brain-dead has magically made his way to
the entrance of the Palace where he thinks the Germans are centering their attack. He is currently wasting time staring at his reflection in the lake…
Speedy: Hey…that guys looks just like me!
N: (suddenly depressed) I can't believe he gets paid more then I do...
Speedy: I must protect HICK UP! the Palace from horrid war! No one HICK UP!
will enter the Palace without HICK UP! a password!
N: Near by a guest is running late for the Ball...
Luciel: (jogging) I hope they waited for me I just can't stand it when I miss the beginning of a birthday party!
N: Luciel this is not a....oh never mind!
Speedy: WHO, HICK UP! GOES THERE!
Luciel: (cheery) Speedy is that you? I thought it was you!
Speedy: So, Hitler HICK UP! you thought you could get past me...HICK UP! well I
just HICK UP! want to let you know HICK UP! that I will not stand for it! And you can HICK UP! take your German woop woop back to whatever HICK UP! country Germans come from. Is it France?
Luciel: (confused) Speedy you're not making any sense and you know I get emotional when people try to scare me. I'm sorry I'm late for the birthday party but I couldn't decide which sandals matched my dress so if you would just let me go in now...
Speedy: I don't HICK UP! think so! What's in the box HICK UP!
Luciel: (excited) Well don't tell but I got Princess Vi a new dust buster!
Speedy: NO! (grabs her by the arm)
Luciel: (scared) Ah! Speedy don't hurt me please!
Speedy: It's a bomb isn't HICK UP! it! You slimy fish you!
Luciel: I just hate seafood, why the thought just makes me want to...
KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
(Missiles shoot out from Luciel's hair)
Speedy: (overly frantic) THE GERMANS ARE, HICK UP! ATTACKING! WARN THE
NATION! WOMAN AND, HICK UP! CHILDREN FIRST!
N: A missile heads straight for Speedy's head causing, him to fall in the lake…and he's too drunk to realise that drowning equals doom!
Luciel: (looking into the water for a sign of Speedy) Speedy? Oh no I killed Speedy! And I smudged my lipstick!
N: (sarcastic) Bummer…
(Still no sign of Speedy...)
Luciel: I'm a murderer! A MURDERER! A....
Al: Are you okay Luciel? We heard an explosion! We came to investigate...
(Al appears out of the entrance with a group of curious guests that include Princess Vi, Fred, the Big cheese and Jerry Attric.)
Luciel: What?
N: This would be a good time to mention Speedy is drowning!
Al: (alarmed) What's that?! Speedy is drowning! QUICK, we have to rescue him!
(Everyone stares at Al)
BC: I'm not getting wet for that pizza puffball!
Jerry: Ditto.
Vi: And I'm too important to rescue anyone!
Fred: FAR-RAD!
Al: I'm suprised at you people! When a citizen is in trouble you...
Luciel: (upset) JUST SAVE HIM! He could be dying as you speak and I love him! I couldn't live with myself if died! Oh by the way here's you present Princess Vi! It's a new dust buster! Happy Birthday!
Vi: (puzzled) Huh?
Al: Wait, look! Something's coming up to the surface...
N: On lighter terms Francine is still spending valuable time as a penguin and loving it right?
Fran: I hate my life! And stop calling me a bird!
N: Penguin.
Fran: My life is OVER! Oh where is my knight in shining armor?
N: Could we make this show any cornier? It's enough that Speedy makes jokes,
sheesh! By the way Francine you don't look so good...you sick?
Fran: I'm having a romantic musical fantasy in my brain you S.O.B! It stars me as the tragically in love maiden who falls for prince charming…
N: Sounds like a tragic snooze.
Fran: (giggling) I bet you can't guess who prince charming is?
N: Let me guess...Speedy?
Fran: (insulted) What!?
N: No wait I got it…It's Al!
Fran: (really insulted now) Al! What planet are you from its Bucky!
N: I bet its Guido....
Fran: THAT'S IT! I'm not speaking to you anymore.
N: Why not?
Fran: I can't tell you I'm not speaking to you...duh!
Luciel: (suddenly bounds in front of Francine, crying her eyes out) FRANCINE! Oh
Francine I'm a terrible person I deserve to be DEAD!
Fran: Huh? What do you mean, what's going on?
Luciel: (going from upset to cheery in a blink) Well you've certainly missed a bundle of news! Did you know somebody spiked the punch?
Fran: (very intrigued) What?!
Luciel: And Princess Vi is not very happy! It was meant to be a non-alcoholic alternative and half the guests are drunk and left the party. It's quite the scandal!
Fran: No kidding? That snob deserves her party to be ruined, maybe next year she will remember to invite the stars of the show.
N: I agree! How dare she forget to invite me, Speedy, Polly and Guido!
Fran: (mad) grrrrrr!
Luciel: Oh and Speedy kinda fell in the lake a while ago and…
Fran: WHAT?! Speedy fell in the lake! Speedy can't swim! Did he drown? Is he dead? Oh God tell me Luciel, I can TAKE IT!! (shaking Luciel back and forth)
Luciel: AHHH! Francine you're scaring me!! He's in the hospital asleep...
Fran: Asleep?
Luciel: Asleep, unconscious I can't really tell but he is drooling allot!
Fran: Oh God...(begins to cry)
Luciel: (crying as well) I'm worried too! Oh what if...
Fran: What if? …. Quick! To the hospital!
Narrator: Unfortunately, they forget to inform Polly and Guido about the tragic news. Those two were busy with that love poison anyway...
Son: Too bad most of the guests left...
N: (annoyed) Oh great, not you two! Didn't I mention that we had enough corny humor!? Writers never listen to actors...
Son: Well we're funnier then you anyway! And we are much cuter as well. Right Ma?
Mama-sun: (frantic) Is this where I meet the Queen Junior?
Son: Ignore her, she's drunk.
N: Isn't everybody?
Mother: (nervous) Quick Junior, my shoe is after me!
Son: But it's on your foot Ma…
Mother: That's what it wants you to think!
Son: I told you to stop after the tenth glass, I think you need to sit down over here (points to the stairs outside the security room)
Mother: (confused) Okay, but it sounds like a wrestling match going on up in there…(looking up the stairs to the security room) Junior why are people wrestling?
Son: Polly and Guido are working in there that's the security room. Don't you ever read the script Ma? (listening to the sounds more intently…) Maybe they're fighting?
Mother: (smirk) I don't think their fighting son...
Son: What else could they be doing Ma?
Mother: (giggling) Wait until I spread this piece of gossip around town!
Son: Please tell me what their doing it's not fair that you shut me out all the time!
Mother: I'll tell you when you can grow a mustache!
Son: (confused) huh?
N: Let's just get away from these two as quick as possible before my eyes begin to hurt! We may as well check out the hospital since that's far away enough. Did you even know Little Tokyo had a hospital? Well, you learn something everyday!
(Speedy lies in a hospital bed with everyone crowding round him)
Francine: (hovering over Speedy) Oh Luciel, he looks so lifeless!
Luciel: (sobbing) Can I borrow your hanky Francine?
Francine: (with sympathy) Here…
(Luciel blows a pile of snot into Francine's hanky)
Luciel: (passing it back) Thanks…
Francine: (looking sick) Keep it…!
Big Cheese: (whispering) Jerry, pull the plug! It's finally our chance to kill a pizza brat once and for all! Isn't he the annoying one with that magic sword thinga-ma-jig?
Jerry: Yes. He's also the reason for our budget problems lately and why you haven't been able to buy as many shoes as you use to.
BC: (anxious) Well what are you waiting for pull that PLUG!
(Jerry pulls the plug secretly)
BC: (looking at Speedy's heart rate monitor) Nothings happening....his heart isn't stopping!
Jerry: Ah…Cheesy?
BC: What?!
Jerry: I think I pulled the wrong plug....
BC: (whispering loudly) What do you mean you pulled the wrong plug!? How many plugs are there to this life support contraption?!
Jerry: (whispering back) I think I pulled the Hoover plug...
BC: The WHAT?!
Jerry: The vacuum...
BC: (angry) YOU TWIT!!
Al: Hey everyone, I think Speedy is waking up…!
(Speedy's eyes pop open suddenly and everyone freezes)
Speedy: (scared) AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Everyone: (even more scared) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Speedy?
Speedy: (confused) Where am I? Hey! This isn't the California swimsuit competition…
Francine: (throwing her arms up in the air) HE'S ALIVE!
(Everyone cheers!! YAY!!)
Speedy: (dumfounded) What happened to me? My head is spinning...
Al: You were in a coma for 25 minuets!
Luciel: You lost 1.3% of your brain!
Fran: Too bad you only had that much to begin with!
Everyone: (hysterical) AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!
Speedy: (tired) Oh put me back to sleep! I wanna go back to California…
N: Uh-oh, don't look now but here come the thundering footsteps of a spoilt little brat!
Vi: (furious) SPEEDY YOU CROOK! ADMIT IT! YOU STOLE MY ALL THOSE DRINKS FROM ME WITHOUT PERMISSION! THEN YOU SPIKED THE PUNCH! I SHOULD DRAG YOUR TAIL ALL THE WAY TO PRISONER ISLAND!! COMA OR NO COMA!! YOU RUINED MY PARTY!!
Al: Princess Vi where did you go?
Vi: Munchies...(holds up a bag of potato chips) Anyway AS I WAS YELLING!! YOU'LL BE IN A WHEELCHAIR AND A COMA WHEN I PUT YOU ON PRISONER ISLAND CERVICHE!! But…you're lucky cause I'm not going to.
Everyone: (Astonished) HUH??!!
N: Has the world TOPSY TURVY? Princess Vi is showing signs of SYMPATHY!?
Speedy: (who hasn't realised what Princess Vi just said) PLEASE Princess, HAVE MERCY! I swear I didn't mean to do it! I was disturbed! Upset! I needed substance, I needed drink, MY DOG ATE IT!!
Fran: (giving him a funny look) Your dog ate it?
Speedy: (confused) I guess I was running out of good excuses…
Al: Calm down Speedy, Princess Vi just said she's not sending you to Prisoner Island.
Speedy: (relieved) She's NOT!? Oh thankyou Princess! Thankyou thankyou THANKYOU…!
Vi: (interrupting) SILENCE! That's right Speedy. I'm too happy to do that right now. So, I'd like to take this opportunity to announce...my ENGAGEMENT!! (holds up a shiny ring on her finger)
Everyone: HUH??!!
Fran: To whom Princess?
Vi: (dreamy) Oh just the most WONDERFUL MAN IN THE WORLD!! Well actually he's not
exactly a man, more of an elk. His name is Bucky and we're so in love!! HEHE! I met him a few months ago at water-colour classes and we just clicked!!
Fran: (blank) ******
Speedy: Fran, are you okay? You want to vomit or something??
Fran: (pale) No...ah...Speedy I'll just...um…go home and jump of the roof of my house...(faints onto the floor)
Luciel: (frantic) Somebody get the Nurse hurry!
N: As it turns out, Vi wasn't completely sure if Speedy was the culprit. After all, Big Cheese was the one who made the punch and we all know about his reputation. So there was only one way to find out who spiked the punch...
Vi: TO THE SECURITY ROOM!! And that means you too Speedy!
Speedy: (cranky) But I just got out of a coma...!
Vi: NO MORE EXCUSES!
(Cut to the security room…)
Speedy: (knocking on the security room door) Guys! Hellooo! It's me! Speedy! I've just been in a coma! Does anybody CARE!?
(Mama-sun appears out of the shadow in the corner)
Speedy: What are you so happy about…?
Mama-sun: (giggling) Polly and Guido are too busy to answer the door...!
Vi: (In the distance) SPEEDY!! HURRY UP!! IT'S COLD HERE!!
Speedy: (to mama-sun) What are you laughing at? What's so funny?
(Mama-sun whispers something in Speedy's ear and then runs off, chuckling. Speedy in the mean time looks like he's just seen a ghost)
Francine: (running up to Speedy) What's taking so long Speedy? You want to give Princess Vi a nose bleed?!
Speedy: (listening to the noises inside the security room…) Francine! ...Guido and Polly are, well ah...doing something...BAD!!
Francine: (uninterested) Oh! Speedy I don't have time for this! If you can't get the door open then I'll open it myself…
Speedy: But FRAN! They're...they're doing 'it!'
Fran: Yes I saw the movie 'It'...
Speedy: NO! Not the movie 'IT!' You're not listening to ME!
(After fiddling with the lock, Francine manages to get the door open. Speedy looks extremely nervous...)
Speedy: Oh God I hope they're really not...
Polly: JUST GIVE IT TO ME NOW!!
Speedy: (mortified) Polly?! Guido?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!??
Guido: (who is pinned to the floor) Well she started it! I've been trying to wrestle that bottle of her for ages! She's turning into a compulsive alcoholic…!
Polly: (on top of him, yelling in his face) I just wanted to look at the LABEL!!
Guido: It doesn't HAVE A LABEL!!
Polly: (turns to Speedy) Why? What did you think we were doing Speedy?
Speedy: (trying to hide his embarrassment) Oh never mind, never mind! Hehe, it just sounded...like...well I don't know…you were...ripping each others clothes off…getting jiggy with it…I'll just shut up now I think!
Polly, Guido: WHAT!!??
Speedy: Nothing! Nothing…really! There was just a little confusion spreading...forget it!
Guido: Clothes off? Jiggy? (giving him a funny look) You can't be serious?! (laughs at Polly)
Polly: (also laughing) Did your brain take a vacation!!??
Speedy: You might say that…
N: Isn't always on vacation?
Al: (looking at the drink in Polly's hand) I hope you weren't really drinking that Polly. I don't need another Pizza Cat drunk tonight…
Guido: Don't worry Al, I didn't give her the chance!!
Polly: (mad) YOU TATTLETALE!!
Vi: (changing the subject to suit her) WHO CARES!! All I want to do is see tonight's security tape and go home and have a BUBBLE BATH!!
N: As Vi wishes, Polly and Guido play a recording of the tape covering the area of where the wine and champagne were kept. It showed Speedy clearly stealing the drinks and spiking the punch. It's ironic how Big Cheese wasn't guilty this time. However, Princess Vi is more curious about who the strange fat shadow is in the corner...
Vi: Who's the strange fat shadow in the corner?!
N: Are you DEAF?! I just said that!
Speedy: I can't really remember, I think he gave me that drink though...(looking at the red bottle)
Polly: But Speedy, you gave this to me when you were out of your mind!
Speedy: I know, that was just before I fell in the lake and went into a coma…
Polly: (puzzled) HUH?!! I'm so confused...
Speedy: Trust me, I tell you later...!
Vi: Well whatever that shadow is it wasn't invited! Therefore it's invading private property! Therefore it must be sent to PRISONER ISLAND!!
Al: (squinting at the screen) It's too dark to see. I guess we will never know...
(Somewhere in the distance...)
Guru: (Walking around in the dark) What a night! And not one single girl! I never even got to test the stupid love potion! Worst party I've ever been to! And why can't I get a cab HOME!!?? (signaling to passing taxies)
N: Is he kidding? You have a better chance of being hit by lightning then getting a cab on the weekend! Oh well, we now come to the end of our show once again! The Pizza Cat's got to spend the night at the Palace and enjoyed all kinds of luxuries...except Speedy, Vi punished him for spiking the punch and sent him home.
Speedy: (lying across his couch, looking sinister) Revenge...!
N: Ah hell, here we go again! At least he'll have a hangover in the morning…
- THE END! -
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