Not Your Ordinary Mystery
By Kairi Taylor
(Kairi comes out from behind the curtain.)
Kairi: Greetings, everyone!! I decided to do something based
on an anime that hasn't received enough attention. So, I had the Scooby Doo gang
star in this slightly twisted tale. (Shaggy comes out on stage.)
Shaggy: Yeah, but like you didn't tell us WHICH anime man!
Who are we visiting, the Gundam boys?
Kairi: Nah, not them. (Wufei jumps onto the stage.)
Wufei: Finally…I'm free from this weakling's incoherent
babble. I won't have to suffer through his atrocities again!! JUSTICE!! JUS---
Kairi: URUSAI!! (Bashes Wufei in the skull with a Buddha
statue.) Now, before I was interrupted, to get better exposure, this story will
be placed in the Scooby section instead of the Anime section.
Shaggy: But like WHO are we visiting?
Kairi: You'll see…
And Now It's Time For…(wait for it…)
Not Your Ordinary Mystery
A
Scooby Doo / Haunted Junction Story
(The Mystery Machine is driving down a street on a bright
& sunny day in Japan. As usual, Fred is driving with Daphne next to him. In
the back of the van, Velma's eating rice balls with Shaggy & Scooby. Or, at
least, attempting…)
Velma: How can you two eat 200 consecutive plum flavored
rice balls?
Shaggy: Simple physics. Like, we open our mouths & down
the hatch!!
Scooby: Yeah! (Tosses rice balls into his mouth)
Daphne: Well, you should know better than to make sense of
their eating habits.
Fred: Yeah, but we won't have any time to eat on this
mystery.
Shaggy: Yeah, but why are we in Japan?
Fred: There's supposedly a haunted high school somewhere
around this neighborhood. All sorts of weird things have been seen.
Velma: Gee, wonder who'll be underneath the mask THIS time.
Shaggy: With our luck, it might just BE haunted.
Daphne: I hope so; I need something for my show. What was
the name of that school again?
Fred: I think it was…Saitou High School.
Creepy Music: DA DA DAAAAAHHHH!!!!
Everyone: AHHHHHH
Shaggy: What the hell was that? (Kairi's head pops out from
the rice balls)
Kairi: OHAIYO!!
Everyone: GAHHH!!!
Velma: Jinkies!!
Fred: What the hell are you doing here? Aren't you supposed
to be writing this?
Kairi: Oh don't mind me! I just came here to remind you that
you're gonna encounter weird things like this…a lot.
Shaggy: Like what do you mean, 'weird'? (Kairi's head gets
bigger & ghostlike.)
Kairi: Oh, you'll see. VERY SOON. (Kairi disappears)
Velma: Uh oh.
Fred: I think I know why the Gundam guys bowed outta this
gig.
(Cut to Saitou High, at the Holy Student Council office.
Haruto is frantically writing at the desk while Nino is frantically trying to
get away from Asahina.)
Nino: I don't want to do it.
Asahina: C'mon Nino, try this swim trunks on! I'm sure
you'll look cute in them.
Nino: But why do I have to get changed right in front of
you?
Asahina: No reason. Oi, Kaichou, what are you doing?
Haruto: Don't stop me now!! And for the last time, don't
call me that! I'm going to officially resign from the Holy Student Council
today…& NOTHING IS GONNA STOP ME!!!
Asahina: But you do realize that Dejichou will just expel
you if you do that?
Haruto: I realize that there is no chance in the world I'll
EVER live a normal life! So I'll do the next best thing…live the life of a lone
wolf!!
(Cut to a scene outta an old samurai film, completely in
b&w. A bunch of ruffians are surrounding a young woman as Haruto wanders
in, wearing a samurai's clothing.)
Ruffian 1: Who the hell are you?
Ruffian 2: Mind your damn business ronin, unless you wanna
get killed.
Haruto: You bastards make me sick. Die!!
(The ruffians attack, but seconds later, they're cut down by
Haruto's blade. The woman hugs Haruto.)
Woman: Domo Arigato, Haruto-kun!!
(Back to reality. Haruto is standing on the table, fist in
the air as Asahina & Nino look at him as if he lost his damn mind.)
Haruto: That is the true life for me!
Nino: The stress has finally got to him.
Asahina: He could only do s much as Kaichou.
(A few seconds later, Kazumi rushes into the room, panting
heavily.)
Kazumi: Kaichou! Mitsuki-sempai!
Haruto: DON'T CALL ME THAT!
Kazumi: Those new ghost are out of control! I can't do
anything to stop them!
Asahina: Well, maybe if you didn't spend so much time with
Miss Hanako then MAYBE you could actually do something right!
Kazumi: That's the problem! They forced Miss Hanako from the
boy's bathroom! She's hiding in the girl's bathroom now!
Asahina: That doesn't sound so bad. (Red Kamen floats in.)
R.Kamen: Actually it is. The girls can't use the stall that
she's in now.
Haruto: So, what did Dejichou suggest?
Kazumi: I think he sent for a bunch of specialists from
America to handle the job. They're called Mystery Inc, I believe.
Haruto: When are they coming?
(Cut to the gates of Saitou. Freddy & the gang are
taking in the sight of the eerie school. Well, OK, so far it doesn't look like
it's too eerie.)
Freddy: Hmm…looks normal.
Shaggy: That's exactly how most horror movies begin.
Velma: C'mon Shag, you're being too pessimistic! It's not
like we'll see ghosts as soon as we arrive.
Daphne: Oh no? How about that? (A whole group of Ninomiya Sontoku statues run around the schoolyard as the gang looks on?)
Scooby: Rikes! (Jumps
on Shaggy)
Velma: There has to
be a rational explanation for this? (Dejichou arrives.)
Dejichou: Ah, so you
must be those specialists from America I've hired. Mystery Inc. is it?
Fred: Yes, that's us.
Dejichou: Good to
meet you. Come with me to the Holy Student Council room. The current Kaichou,
Hoto Haruto, is waiting for us.
Haruto (O.S.): STOP
CALLING ME KAICHOU!!!
Velma: Did we come at
a bad time?
Dejichou: Oh, don't
worry. He's always like that. Now, on to business!
(Cut to the Holy
Student Council room with Mystery Inc. in the middle of a conversation with the
Dejichou.)
Freddy: C'mon, are
you serious? You don't really expect us to believe for one second that this
place is really haunted?
Dejichou: You
shouldn't be so doubtful. Especially since your little journey to Zombie
Island.
Daphne: Wait a
minute, how did you know about that? All the video footage was lost in
quicksand!
Dejichou: That's
easy. He told me. (Points to ghost of Moonscar the Pirate.)
Moonscar: Hey, how's
it going?
Shaggy: AAAHHH!!!
IT'S YOU AGAIN!! (Scooby & Shaggy hide under desk.)
Dejichou: He just
happened to bring the tape with him all the way from New Orleans. If you kids
will take the ob…
Freddy: We're not
kids! We do attend college.
Dejichou: Yes, well,
if you take on this case I'll include the tape as part of your payment.
Velma: Ok, sounds
fine to me.
Shaggy: Like, I don't
know about it man, I mean, what kinda ghosts are we dealing with?
Scooby Yeah? (As
Scooby & Shaggy turn their heads, they come across Haruo & Bones
Suzuki, a skeleton model & an anatomy model, also hiding under the desk.)
Haruo: Hey there!
Suzuki: Are you
hiding from the ghosts too?
(In .5 seconds,
Shaggy & Scooby scoot out from under the desk & hide behind Freddy.
Haruto enters with Kazumi.)
Kazumi: I see you've
just met Haruo & Bones Suzuki.
Shaggy: Are THEY the
ghosts that are giving you problems?
Haruto: No…but if you
could get rid of them for us…
Velma:…Oh boy, this
looks like it's gonna be one of those days.
Kazumi: Come on,
Haruto, you don't really want to get rid of those two.
Haruto: Well, let me
think…actually yes I do!! I'll pay double if you get rid of these two
goofballs!!
Daphne: Ok, I admit
we've seen our fair share of odd things. But do you seriously expect us to
believe for one minute this school is REALLY haunted?
Dejichou: Oh trust me
Ms. Blake, this school is truly haunted. I outta know, I'm one of them. (Floats
into the air.)
Fred: ….right. C'mon,
where's the wire? (Passes hand over Dejichou's head.) What the---hey no wire!
Velma: He has to be a
hologram, see? (Puts her arm through his chest.)
Dejichou: Hey, that
tickles! Wow, I haven't seen those type of glasses in years! (Puts on Velma's
glasses)
Fred: O_O""""""
Daphne: No,, this
can't be right…
Velma: ….
Shaggy: Like, he
really IS a ghost!!
Haruto: See, what did
I tell you?
Kazumi: So, can you
help us?
Shaggy: Like, me
& Scooby would, but we've got an appointment to keep. BACK IN THE USA!!
Scooby: Yeah! Back
home!
Shaggy: So, I'm sorry
to say we have to leave right away. (Ms. Hanako comes in, wearing her usual
outfit…which isn't very much.)
Hanako: Oh won't you
please help us? Please, please, pretty please? (Shaggy develops a nosebleed
after staring at Miss Hanako's….well you know, for too long.)
Shaggy: On second
thought, maybe I could help out just a little.
Scooby: Whoa…(faints)
Kazumi: Poor dog, too
much stimulation will do that to you.
Haruto: You ought to
know.
Kazumi: Huh?
Haruto: Nothing! So,
where do you want to start?
Fred: Velma, are you all
right?
Daphne: Velma? Yoo-hoo!
Velma: …HOLY LIVING
SHIT!! DEJICHOU'S A REAL FREAKING GHOST!! AND I PUT MY HAND THROUGH HIM!!!
ACCKK!!!
Haruto: She'll be ok?
Fred: How come you
didn't try any exorcising services?
Kazumi: Believe me,
no spirit hunters in all of Japan want to come here.
Fred: Seriously!
You've got to be joking?
Haruto: Really.
Believe me.
Fred: Well, let me
try. (Takes out his cell phone & dials a number.)
Operator:
Moshi-moshi! Thank you for calling Daimon Exorcism Services, the best ghost
handlers in all of Japan! We've currently out of service in Nerima due to a
high volume of supernatural activity. How can I help you?
Fred: Yes, I request
an exorcism to be performed!
Operator: Very well
sir, now where would you like our experts to go to?
Fred: Saito High
School.
Operator: …Sa-Saito
High School!
Fred: Yes.
Operator: EEEEKKKKKK!
IN THE NAME OF KAMI-SAMA, NO!!!! NOT THAT NUTHOUSE!
Fred: ^^'''
Kazumi: No dice, huh?
Fred: Fortunately,
I've got a handy number on speed dial. (Activates speed dial.)
Strangely Familiar
Voice: Welcome to H.Y's Hotline For The Desperate. I'll take care of any
threats to the public with extreme prejudice. How may I help you?
Fred: I need you to
take care of a job for me.
H.Y.: Oh, hello Fred.
Is that guy from 'Josie & The Pussycats' after Daphne again? My associate
would have killed him, but his detonation devices tend to fail 99% of the time.
(Duo appears over Shaggy's shoulder.)
Duo: Very funny,
Perfect Soldier!
Fred: I need you to
do an exorcism.
Heero: Ok. State
location.
Fred: Saito High
School.
Heero:…Sorry, but
only a complete idiot (Duo) would attempt an exorcism at that place. Never
contact me about it again.
Fred: But…
Heero: Omae O Korosu.
Fred: OK… so much for
him.
Duo: Wait, can I
borrow that for a minute. (Duo grabs the cell phone & pages someone.)
Haruto: What did you
just….
Duo: Let's just say
that Heero will be receiving a visitor in 3,2,1…
(A second later, Wing
Zero zooms past the window as Relena is giving chase.)
Relena: HEEROOOOOO!!!
COME BACK & KILL ME!!!
(Cut to hallways of Saitou.
The Scooby gang is talking with Haruto, Kazumi & Asahina.)
Fred: So, from what
you're telling us, the ghosts always seem to pop up in the afternoon?
Haruto: Yeah,
especially when students are trying to relax & study. I envy them…
Daphne: They might be
after something in the school itself.
Asahina: I doubt it.
All the artifacts in the school have either some curse on it or is occupied by
a spirit.
Shaggy: Really?
Asahina: Yeah, like
that statue of Yoshimune over there! (Points to the statue with a student
looking at it.)
Velma: Looks normal
to me.
Kazumi: Yeah, but
every time someone touches the hilt of the sword…
(The student touches
the hilt of the sword. Instantly, a giant fortune cat statue falls on top of
the student's head.)
Velma: Ouch!
Student: It's ok. It
helped get that crick out of my neck.
Shaggy: …ok. So like,
what kind of ghosts are they.
Haruto: Hmmm, well,
the only description I've got is that they wear robes.
Fred: Ok, let's split
up. Daphne & I will—
Shaggy: NOT SO FAST!!
Fred, this game plan of yours we've been using since we started out…it stinks!
First, why are you always sticking me with Scooby? And why do you ALWAYS
insists on going off with Daphne 98% of the time?
Velma: That is a good
question.
Fred: Oh,…
Daphne: Well…
Fred: Some teams just
work better in certain groups.
Daphne: Yeah.
Asahina: You sure it
has nothing to do with you two finding some place to make out while those three
do all the hard work? Or should I take this train of thought to more adult
levels?
Fred: C'mon, lets
just split up like usual.
Shaggy: I think
someone might take issue with that.
Fred: Who?
Shaggy & Kazumi:
Him! (Points to Kairi, who's standing behind Fred, wielding a huge scythe.)
Kairi:
DON'T….GO…WITH…DAPHNE!
Fred: ^^'''''….OK,
new plan! Lets have all the girls go in one group & all the guys in another
group. We'll check one side of the school while you check the other side.
Asahina: Sounds good
to me!
Shaggy: That is
something I can work with!
(Cut to the boy's
locker room. Fred, Shaggy, Haruto, Kazumi & Scooby are looking inside the
lockers.)
Fred: What are we
looking for?
Haruto: Just see if
you can spot anything unusual.
Shaggy (Opens
locker): Nope nothing
Fred (Opens locker):
No clues
Kazumi (Opens locker
to find some poor sop with his head cut off & pieces of glass shoved into his
mouth): Um, nothing unusual.
Haruto (Opens locker
to find a guy in the shadows.): And you are…
???: Ryu? Is that
you? It's me man, TLW!! Strider Taylor almost killed me! Save me, you who is
superior in all ways to SNK!
(Quite suddenly, a
giant boulder crushes the locker)
Haruto: Nothing
strange here.
Scooby (Opens locker
to see a giant ghost with robes & a hood on): Uh oh! (All the guys rush
over to see the ghost.)
Haruto: That's one of
them!
Shaggy: Like, total
spooky druid man! (A druid appears next to Shaggy.)
Druid: Now see here,
chap! Our religion has been getting a bad rap for centuries, no thanks to
narrow mined, elitist Christian groups who think that anything not conforming
to their ways is the devil's handiwork. We are a community of nature lovers who
promote harmony with Earth & it's inhabitants & specializes in healing the
sick. So kindly refrain from generalizing us with other demented cults like Branch
Davidians, Heaven's Gate & Reverend Moon's church! You're almost as bad as
L. Brent Bozell III (walks off)
Haruto. Ok…
Fred: Let's grab him!
Shaggy: Freddy, like
he's a ghost! How in the blue hell do you grab a ghost?
Kazumi: Look, he's
taking off his hood!
Ghost:: How are you
gentlemen?
Kazumi: It…it can't
be!
Haruto: It is!!
Fred: Oh holy living
@#$%!
Cats: All your school
are belong to us! You are on the path to destruction!
Shaggy: Make a run
for it!
Fred: AGREED!!
(All the guys run out
of the locker room, slamming the door shut behind them.)
Haruto: I never
expected to see…him!
Fred: This is more
serious than I thought!
Kazumi: What the hell's
going on here?
(Cut to a nearby hilltop.
Someone is watching.)
???: Soon, very soon,
Scooby…I will make my mark upon the world & exact my vengeance!
(Who is behind the
mysterious & extremely annoying ghosts? What will the gang do to counter
it? Does Velma totally dig girls?)
Velma: Hey! (Flies in
with Sandrock.) Care to repeat that?
(Uh…stay tuned…. Now
if you'll excuse me, I must run for my life!)
