Not Your Ordinary Mystery

Chapter 2: Riceballs a Go-Go

by Kairi Taylor

(Kairi is sitting in a room with a CD player with Ukyo, Velma & Fred.)

Kairi: WHOO!!! Sweet man, I finally got my hands on a 'Einhander' OST!!!

Ukyo: Cool!

Fred: Einhander? What the heck is that?

Velma: It was a quasi-3D shooter game made by Squaresoft for the Playstation in the late 90's. The only one that the company produced.

Fred: Oh, I remember that game. It was lame!!! It wasn't as cool as Tomb Raider.

(Suddenly, Kairi's head becomes huge & ghostlike as he confronts Fred.)

Kairi: FOOLISH MORTAL!!!! YOU DARE SPEAK ILL OF ONE OF THE BEST SHOOTERS EVER TO GRACE KAMI-SAMA'S WORLD?! BE FRTUNATE THAT COMPANIES SUCH AS SQUARE & KONAMI ARE STILL AROUND TO PROVIDE ENTERTAINMENT TO YOU!!! DO YOU REALIZE HOW MANY SKILLESS PLAYERS HAVE RUINED FIGHTING GAMES? SO YOU NOT SEE THE DOWNFALL OF 2D ACTION GAMES BECAUSE HORMORNAL MALES SUCH AS YOURSELF PREFER POLYGONS & FLASH OVER SUBSTANCE?!

Ukyo: Ok, settle down boy, no need to get into a homicidal rage.

Kairi: Oh, ok.

Fred: ...psycho. (leaves.)

Velma: All right, now where were we? Oh yes, when we last left this story, Saito HS was beset by weird ghostly beings. We now join the mystery in progress.

The Darkness Comes.....

Kairi: Um....are you looking for the 'Eternal Darkness' set?

Alexandra Roivas: Yes.

Kairi: Down the hall, to your right, next to the snack machine.

(Saito HS cafeteria. Daphne, Velma & Asahina are checking around for clues.)

Daphne: Say, Velma...

Velma: Yes?

Daphne: I've known you for quite awhile...like it was 30 years or something...

Asahina: Really?

Daphne: Yes...anyway, there's something I always wanted to ask you.

Velma: I knew this would happen someday. Look, I know it is something that has bugged us since we started, but let me set the record straight...NO, neither Shaggy or Scooby take any narcotics that I know of, especially marijuana. Sure, he looks like he's stoned & SURE, he's a bit of a mess, but he's just a part time slacker, nothing more, nothing less.

Daphne: ...no, not that one.

Asahina: Although he is weird enough.

Daphne: I mean the OTHER question.

Velma: Oh...well, in that case...Scrappy's not mine. That's just a sick rumor some internet freak came up with.

Daphne: Dear God NO!!! Not that. Who would think of that?

(Cut to random internet artist house.)

Artist: Uh yes, can I help you? (We see Moltar, Birdman & Thundercleese are at the door.)

Moltar: Yeah, you can answer this question for us...

Thundercleese: Answer truthfully or face the wrath of THUNDERCLEESE!

Birdman: Did you draw this photo? (Holds up a blurred photo. Hey, this is a PG-13 rated story.)

Artist: Yeah.

Moltar: That's all we needed to here. (Birdman & Thundercleese blast the hell out of him.)

Brak: Hi, my name is Brak!!

(Back to Saito.)

Asahina: Ok, so what's the big question you wanna ask?

Daphne: Are you a little...(makes a hand gesture.)

Velma: What to you mean a little...(mimics hand gesture.)

Daphne: You know.

Velma: No, I don't.

Daphne: Ok...let me try again. Velma, are you...a little bit...different.

Velma: Let's see, I wear glasses, I'm not as tall as you, I don't wear makeup, what do you think?

Asahina: Sah...Daphne-chan, I think I know where you're going with this. Let me test it. Red Kamen, come on out. (Red Kamen appears before them.)

R. Kamen: You called?

Daphne: (glows beet red, but Velma remains the same) Oh, uh...hello handsome.

Asahina: Ah, I see...thank you, Red Kamen, that will be all.

R. Kamen: Ok.

Asahina: This proves it..you my dear...(strikes dramatic pose) HAVE A SHOTA COMPLEX!!!

Ryu: Why would Velma be interested in me?

Asahina: I said 'shota', not shoto. And if I remember, your style is not even called shotokan by Capcom of Japan, Ryu.

Ryu: I know. (leaves.)

Velma: Where's Sakura?

Daphne: (whispering) She's using Relena's stalking technique #345: hiding in his house with a giant teddy bear.

Velma: Oh.

Asahina: Anyway, there's one other logical conclusion...you're an android.

Daphne: Before we add a real bad DBZ reference, no, she's not.

Velma: Right.

Daphne: She's just a lesbian.

Velma: Oro?

Daphne: Oh come on, it's pretty obvious. You have no desire to dress feminine, no interest in boys....

Velma: First off, I think this knee high skirt is VERY feminine...

Daphne: And then there's this! (Holds up sheet.)

Velma: That is...

Daphne: A log of how many times someone has gained access to the following websites on the Mystery Machine's laptop: The Melissa Etheredge fan club, the Amanda Bearse homepage, Birkenstock, the Daphne Blake Swimsuit homepage...(a caption scrools on screen that says 'Caution: Male Silliness Ratio is rising from Frat Boy to Blatant Ecchi Humor.') And I doubt it was Fred.

Asahina: Well, I dunno, that ascot looks a bit...out there.

Velma: Just because Kevin Smith parodied it in a movie doesn't mean it is really true.

Daphne: Ok, then let's ask a few people who would be experienced in this...

(Cut to Angelo talking with Jessie & James.)

Angelo: Why was Generation X...oh!! Right. Well, what do you guys think?

Jessie: Bleh...no fashion sense. But she could be gay.

James: I think she's hot!! Look at her!

Meowth: Oh, stop acting! We all know you're about as heterosexual as Richard Simmons!

James: I am not like him!

(Angelo talks with Kevin Smith.)

Angelo: So?

Kevin: We've all been following that cartoon for quite awhile. I think we know the answer.

Magnolia Fan: Clerks the cartoon sucked ass!! (Kevin strikes him down with the Blunt Saber.)

(Angelo talks with Vega & Benimaru.)

Angelo: Well....

Benimaru:  FOR THE VERY LAST TIME I AM NOT GAY NOR DO I DESIRE THE COMPANY OF SHEEP GODDAMNIT!!!!

Vega: Ok, ok, I'm gay, happy. I am full blown Sid Caesar type gay. And I simply adore showtunes. Happy?

(Back to the regular story.)

Daphne: Well...

Velma: Look, we have a mystery to solve & talking about my sexual preference is not going to take care of it any faster. Besides plenty of guys find me hot.

Daphne: Well, I think it makes sense, since you keep on asking me why I go off with Fred when we're investigating.

Asahina: Why do you do it anyway?

Daphne: To make out of course. There I said it, satisfied?

Velma: ...alright, if it makes you any happier...YES. I am a lesbian.

Asahina: See, it's not so hard to admit.

Velma: What tipped you off?

Daphne: Tuesday.

Velma: 0_0...I could've sworn no one was around when we went to the Mystery Machine. Just how long were you there?

Daphne: 40 minutes.

Asahina: Ok, enough of that. We're giving too many fanboys out there WAY too much info than before. Besides, who knows how much trouble the writer has gotten into...

(Kairi's office. Kairi is barricading the office door as Mature & Vice look on.)

Parent: YOU CORRUPTED MY SON WITH YOUR SMUT!!!

Preacher: You have committed a vile sin!!

Homophobe: (The hell I'll repeat what that bigot said!)

L. Brent Bozell: You are leading our children down a moral sewer!!

Kairi: HEY! It's not my fault I have an open mind.

Mature: Well, we were wondering...

Vice: Can you do a yuri story with us? You did one for Relena & Dorothy

Kairi: Hasn't the ecchi content gone over the acceptable level? Besides, you could always ask Shingo for that.

Shingo: Do I look like New Edge Sonic? Get that hentai freak Smash Daisaku to do it for you!!

Smash: Well...

Kairi: NO!! I don't want any of that traced back to me!

(Back to Saito.)

Daphne: This cafeteria is much different from the ones I remember.

Asahina: Well, Japanese students mainly eat their lunch in their own classrooms. But, we have them just in case students need to eat.

Velma: What have you learned about the ghosts so far?

Asahina: Only one thing: They are really, really annoying.

Daphne: I see.

Asahina: They mostly disrupt classes & harass people who are trying to get some work done. (Suddenly, a couple of lunchladies rush out of the kitchen.)

Lunchlady 1: No, KEEP AWAY FROM ME YOU FREAK!!!!

Lunchlady: It's unnatural I say, UNNATURAL!!

Daphne: Speak of the devil.

Velma: Let's see what it is!

(The girls rush into the kitchen. A cloaked & hooded ghost appears.)

Velma: Is that a wraith?

Asahina: And if so, will it look like Charlie Sheen?

Daphne: I hope so.

????: Need to...

Velma: What is it saying?

Asahina: Wait a sec, I've heard that voice before...

????: NEED TO MAKE A COLLECT CALL TO YOUR FELLOW HIGH SCHOOL HOTTIES?!

Daphne: NO!! (Carrot Top removes his hood.)

Carrot Top: Then dial down the center with 1-800-CALL-ATT!!! That's 1-800--(Asahina violently assaults Carrot Top with a mallet.)

Asahina: RETURN TO THE DEPTHS OF JIGOKU, YOU VILE ONI OF AMERICAN MASS MEDIA!!! DIE DAMN YOU, DIE!!!!!

Velma: And you wonder why I don't like guys.

Daphne: Brrr....tie him up until we figure out what's going on here.

(Back with the guys...)

Haruto: Did you see which way that ghost went?

Girl in the Mirror: It went that way, Haruto-kun. (points east.)

Haruto: Arigato!

Fred: What's that place?

Haruto: That leads outside to the baseball field, where our team practices.

Shaggy: Looks like it's all clear over there.

Scooby: Reah!

Kazuki: Not really. The baseball field has it's ghosts  as well.

Freddy: What do these ghosts do?

Haruto: What else? Play baseball.

(the males watch as a bunch of ragged looking ninja & samurai ghosts arrive onto the field & play a bunch of tom nooks.)

Shaggy: Hey, like giant baseball playing raccoons!

Fred: This is one odd school.

Haruto: Well, the only reason they would play here is if Lord Enma rented out the place.so he could watch.

Fred: WHAT?! LORD ENMA HIMSELF?!!!!!

Shaggy: Freddy, calm down, nothing to get yourself excited over.

Fred: Didn't you ever remember all that stuff we learned in that mythology course we took?

Kazuki: You mean you don't remember?

Shaggy: I majored in sleeping 101.

Fred: Shaggy, Lord Enma is the main ruler of the netherworld!

Shaggy: Oh...in that case...(almost walks off, but Haruto holds him by the collar.)

Haruto: Hey hotshot, if I can't take the easy way out of this case, neither can you.

Shaggy: Nuts.

Haruto: Besides, I think I may have found a clue that can help you.

Fred: Usually, we are the first to find the clues.

Haruto: Well I found it first. So there.

Shaggy: Like, what did you find?

Haruto: This was on the floor near the entrance to the field. (Holds up a Xeroxed piece of paper.)

Fred: Hey, it looks like the blueprints to a basement or something.

Kazuki: Hey, this is the blueprint for the basement.

Fred: But why would anyone want that?

Haruto: They must be after one thing...

Kazuki: My hentai video stash?

Haruto: ...(stares at Kazuki)

Kazuki: What? Like you actually think no one knows about the stash you keep hidden underneath your locker.

Haruto: I was talking about the OTHER item that is hidden in the basement.

Fred: Wait, can we hear more about that stash? You know, for investigative purposes?

Haruto: No, we need to get to the basement pronto! (leads the guys into the basement)

Fred: How about a sneak preview?

Haruto: No.

Shaggy: A litle peak a least?

Haruto: No can do.

Kazuki: At least let them see the back of the boxes.

Haruto: Negative:

Scooby:...Ruh uh. Rot rintrested!

(Meanwhile, the girls, with the insistence of Velma, finish interrogating Carrot Top using a new technique.)

Velma: (wiping the blood off the tip of her golf club.) Well, that was very informative.

Daphnie: Since when did we have to use stuff like that to get information. (drops baseball bat.)

Velma: Since I got tired of being chased around by idiots in masks. Why do you think we solved the last case so easily?

Daphne: True...but after smashing the glass plate over his head, did you have to apply a Japanese arm bar?

Asahina: (picking a tooth off the floor.) Well, at any rate, we know now what they are after. We need to get it away from here as soon as possible.

(a hilltop somewhere.)

????: Soon Mystery Inc. I will finally have my revenge! Then you will---

Red Herring: Uh, excuse me Scrappy?

Scrappy: GODFREAKIN'DAMNIT RED!! Now the audience knows who we are! Thanks Mr. Killjoy. (turns to the guys at his table.) And for the love of all things decent, why the hell are we set up on a hilltop?

Jessie: Umm...

James: We don't know.

Cats: You have no chance to survive, make your time.

Red: Hmmm, pickles.

K9999: STOP GIVING ME ORDERS!!!

Scrappy: ....(pushes a button. Red, Cats & K9999 are sent into an abyss.) I'm surrounded by frickin' idiots!!! That's it, I'm calling in some favors!

Jessie: I  guess that leaves us.

James: The things we do for a commission.

What artifact is the mysterious villian, who we now know is Scrappy Doo, after? Who will reach the basement first? Will the Yankees ever fix their pitching? And can anything kill the Grimace?

Police Chief: Nothing can kill the Grimace!!

What to expect in the next part: more jumble insanity, less Kevin Smith references, more frat boy humor, no hot steaming yuri scenes featuring either Velma, Mature or Vice...

Vice: DAMN!!!

Mature: Oh well.

...and no fooling around with good taste.