~Chapter 2~
Disclaimer: I don't own anything DA related, sorry. The song, "As Is" is property of Ani Difranco. The song is off the CD entitled "Little Plastic Castle". I found the pre-chorus very fitting for Ben, you'll see why.
~~~~~~
It would be years later that I would see Jondy. I would be eighteen. She would be sixteen. Some of her inner glow would have faded. I had run away from Utah and gone to Seattle to look for work. I found her almost instantly. I smelled her heat a mile away.
I went into the bar. She was on a stage with three other girls. She saw me the instant I walked in. She continued to sing. The song finishes and the crowd clapped. Jondy smiled at me, the desire filling both of us. But she couldn't come down to me nor I to her.
"This is our last song for the night." The other blond in the band said, "An old cover called As Is."
The music started.
You can't hide
behind social graces
so don't try
to be all touchy feely.
Cuz you lie
in my face of all places
but I got no
problem with that really.
What bugs me
is that you believe what you're saying.
What bothers me
is that you don't know what you feel.
What scares me
is while you're telling me stories,
you actually
believe that they are real.
I got no illusions about you.
Guess what?
I never did.
When I said,
when I said I'll take it
I meant,
I meant as is.
Just give it up
and admit you're an asshole.
You would be
in some good company,
and I think you'd find
that your friends would forgive you
or maybe I
am just speaking for me.
When I look around
I think this, this is good enough
and I try to laugh
at whatever life brings.
Cuz when I look down
I miss all the good stuff,
and when I look up
I just trip over things.
I got no illusions about you.
Guess what?
I never did.
When I said,
when I said I'll take it
I meant,
I meant as is.
Jondy sang and I couldn't help but think that the song was about me. But I didn't care, I wanted her more than anything and the longer we had to wait, the more I felt ready to explode.
After the song two of her band mates pulled her off the stage. I growled, Jondy was MINE and they were taking her from *me*. I hurried back stage and by the time I got there she was gone. I followed her scent around town. She was in a cheep hotel that reeked of sex, doing pushups and trying to focus on anything but her urges and the overwhelming scent of the room. Her guitar laid against the wall next to a suitcase with scattered clothes.
She must have smelled that it was me because she ripped open the door a second after I knocked and she pushed me to her bed, "I knew you would come." She said as the passion filled us.
This was the best we had ever had. We were both mature now. She was much more experienced than I was. She had been the only girl I had ever been with and she went into heat four times a year for several days.
Several hours and bite marks later she laid next to me in the bed, "I missed you Ben."
"I missed you too Jondy."
She pulled herself on top of me, she didn't smell like heat but she wanted to sleep with me. It started out slow and delicate as her and I were in control but soon her pheromones began to build and we gave in to our animalistic side.
Days later she was done and laying next to me, I could feel her against me even though I was most of the way asleep.
"Ben, we've got to go." She whispered and crawled out of bed.
I groaned and rolled over. "Why?"
"I promised Zack."
"He's not here."
"Max is."
I sat up in a bolt and looked at Jondy. She looked sad about this, "She's here? Why aren't you excited?"
"She didn't recognize me." Jondy said fighting back against tears, "Besides I've got another gig in Sacramento in a few days, the others are coming. Not everyone but the ones who live in Cali."
I stared at her in shock, "Who?"
"Syl and probably Krit, Zane, Brin, and Grix."
I instantly was out of bed and pulling my clothes on. She smiled when she saw me pull on my necklace and I noticed she was wearing her jacket, it was getting thread bare but it fit her much better than it did three years ago.
Jondy drove down to San Jose, where she was living, and when we got there she changed into tight black pants, a very form fitting blue shirt, and a leather jacket. She packed again and we headed to LA.
It was evening when we got there. She drove straight to a club and we got out. The bouncer obviously knew her because he waved us through without charge. Jondy walked straight up to a table with a Latino boy, an Asain girl, a blond girl, a brunette girl, and a dark haired guy with a lopsided smile.
"Worried you weren't gonna show baby sister." The dark haired girl said. I forced myself to remember who they were but I couldn't be certain.
"I had to pick up a straggler. Ben. Lemme reintroduce you to Krit, Brin, Syl, Grix, and Zane."
Brin was out of her chair instantly with her arms around me. She held me tightly. When she let go, Syl wrapped her arms around me and from behind me Grix grabbed on. When they let go, I stuck my hand out to Zane, "Not in this family." He said as he hugged me. Krit's hug was the most brief, "Good to see you Ben."
Jondy gave the girls a quick hug and took up a seat between Syl and Grix. "You guys get any food?"
"Nope." Grix said and she playfully pushed Jondy, "We were waiting for someone."
"Someone who should have showered." Syl said with a face. "You smell like sex and your car."
"Excuuuuuse me." Jondy said, "I just got out of heat and drove straight down."
Zane looked to me and smiled. He clapped me on the shoulder, "Lucky bastard."
Everyone at the table laughed, except for Syl and Jondy. They faked it. I could tell when Jondy faked it and her and Syl looked a little alike. It was easy to read Syl too.
A waitress came up with a round of shot glasses and enough mugs of beer for our table. Jondy took her shot, "Who wants to dance?" she asked looking at me.
"I don't dance." I said looking away.
"Let's go Jondy." Zane said an instant after I denied her.
Syl and Brin and I were the only three left at the table after Grix literally pulled Krit out there. We watched them for a minute. Krit had a lopsided grin as Grix danced with him. I tried not to look at Jondy and Zane who were clearly the two most provocative dancers on the floor. His hand held on to her waist as their hips grinded together. Her hands in his hair.
"I'm going to the bathroom." I announced and I got up. I didn't go to the bathroom but I wanted to hear Syl and Brin's thoughts on what was happening. And of course they started chatting.
"That's so disgusting." Syl said to Brin.
"You don't seem to mind when it's you and Krit doing the same thing." Brin retorted.
Syl took a drink of her beer, "She's become a good liar."
"That wasn't Ben?" Brin asked.
"Of course it was." Syl said shaking her head, "But she's good at pretending everything's ok."
Brin didn't speak for a second. "Why wouldn't it be?"
Syl took another drink and leaned in. "You promise to not tell anyone, not even her?"
"Like I talk to her anyway. But yeah, of course I promise."
Syl paused, looked over to Jondy with sad eyes, "She miscarried."
Brin froze and my blood turned cold. Brin uttered the word I was thinking, "What?"
"After Miami she was brought down to San Jose and we ran into each other. She was freaking out because she was pregnant. Worried that Zack wouldn't let her keep it. I didn't want her to, she was a kid... she still is. As much as she tries to hide it, she's still the youngest... But anyway, I moved near her to help her through the pregnancy. She all but carried it to term, then like week before her due date she had a seizure. I was gone and she couldn't get up. It nearly killed her and it did kill the baby.
"My god." Brin said softly, "Is that why her eyes are always dark?"
"Yeah." Syl said taking another drink.
"Who's was it?"
"She won't tell me. She's told me everything except about this mystery guy who she went to in heat. I think it was Zack's personally. It was white."
"Doesn't mean it was Zack's." Brin said defensively. "I could sleep with Krit and we could have a white kid... not that I would... but our genes.."
"Yeah, I know." Syl said sighing. "I know she's slept with an X5. She's got the same bite scars we've got. A lot of them."
Brin took a drink. "Was it before or after Zane?"
"Before Zane." Syl said, "She didn't start sleeping with him until after she lost the child."
"Boy or girl?"
"Girl. She had already decided on a name. Ava Jaquielline Bramville. For Eva, Jack, and Bram. Everyone that died before the escape."
I closed my eyes as I remembered Eva getting shot, Manticore guards dragging Jack away, and hearing of Syl's accidental shooting of Bram.
Brin shook her head sadly, they both turned to look out at Zane and Jondy. Her hand was now draped around his neck, fingering his barcode. His eyes were closed in pleasure. "She was really good at names."
"She would have been a good mother, really woul have given Tinga a run for her money." Syl said trying to make Brin smile.
It was slightly successful, Brin's lips turned up slightly. "She would have, even as the youngest she looked out for everyone."
Grix and Krit, returned to the table, both energetic. "Sorry about stealin' your man," Grix said. "I just had to g-g-g-get my freak on."
Syl shook her head and smiled slightly, "You are a freak, Grix."
Grix stuck her tongue out playfully and sat down. Krit moved over to Syl and kissed the top of her head, "You hungry at all?"
I decided to move back to the table at this time. When I sat down, I realized everyone was looking at my necklace. It had come out from under my shirt. Syl swallowed, "You still believe?"
"Of course." I said shocked, "Don't you guys?"
None of them said anything, Jondy and Zane came back quickly. He was playing with her belt loops, his body touching as much of hers as he could manage, and they were both sweaty, "I'm tired, we're gonna go to sleep." Jondy said.
Everyone nodded, fully knowing that Jondy didn't sleep. Her and Zane were leaving to go sleep together.
"Where am I supposed to go?" I asked.
"Krit?" Jondy asked, looking to Krit. Shit, she couldn't even look at me.
"Sure. You can crash with me." Krit said.
Zane pulled Jondy into his arms and nibbled against her barcode. She nearly fell over in extacy. I wanted to rip his head off.
"Bye guys." She managed and the two of them left.
I picked up by beer and took a long drink, finishing off my mug. I grabbed both Jondy and Zane's and finished theirs. The other four watched me.
Grix looked to Brin, concern in her eyes. Brin nodded. "Let's go hang out someplace else." She suggested.
"Whatever." I said dispassionately.
Everyone got up and Syl locked arms with me and put her head on my shoulder. If she had been taller, I could have pretended she was Jondy. But Jondy was several inches taller even though she was almost two years younger.
Grix walked on the other side of me, Brin beside her and Krit behind us. Some guys in the bar looked at me jealously. Three attractive girls were walking with me but I didn't care. The one I wanted was off fucking my own brother. She hadn't even looked at me.
We headed back to Grix's apartment. Her and Brin were talking about switching houses. Grix wanted to be further north, in San Francisco and Brin wanted to be in LA. Krit moved up next to Syl and took her hand. She held tight to me, as though I might blow away in the wind.
Grix had a nice place, lots of places to sit. I sat in a recliner, Krit and Syl on one couch and Brin and Grix on the other. Syl looked to me, "Tell a story, like old times?" She asked, her voice childlike.
I swallowed hard, "I don't do that anymore."
"Please." Grix asked. Brin smiled too.
"Fine." I said. I leaned forward and put my feet on the ground, "About what?"
"Just like when we were kids. I missed your stories." Krit said.
I nodded, understanding. I pulled my necklace out and all of their eyes were instantly attacted to it. "Only the good soldiers go to the Good Place. The Good Place is everything we want it to be. We're all together and happy just like when we were young. Nobody cries, nobody dies, and nobody shouts orders. Any kind of food you want to eat is there and you get to have as much of it as you want. And when you love someone, they love you back. There's no pain. The Lady, she watches over us, protects us from pain and danger and people who want to hurt you. We're safe to show our barcodes because Lydecker can't go to the Good Place."
Syl started to drift to sleep, a happy smile on her face. Grix and Brin held onto each other like when they were kids. Krit smiled and played with Syl's hair as she started to sleep. Somewhere in my head I was able to make them younger in my head.
"Don't worry Ben, it's our nature to do this." I heard Jondy's voice to speak in my head. I started thinking about other things in our nature. Soldier stuff. Hunting, Seek and Destroy, Escape and Evade.
"And there's no Nomlies, we get to be what we were trained to be." I spoke, "We don't have to fight our nature. We can be who we want to be and not be afraid of capture."
Grix started to straighten up, obviously thinking about the Nomlie in the woods. No. He wasn't a Nomlie, he was a prisoner with a tattoo. Not a Nomlie.
I stopped speaking, "I don't want to do anymore."
Brin frowned, she always loved the stories. She had been a good soldier, all of us had been. Soldiers. We were soldiers not ordinary people. We aren't civilians.
Krit looked over. "I still have nightmares from that day." He said, he knew what I was talking about too.
"Why?" I asked. I had dreams about it but they never scared me. They always comforted me.
"We tore a guy apart." He said with a disgusted voice.
"Stop." Syl begged, waking up, "Don't talk about that."
"Why not?" I asked, getting upset. "It's in our nature, it's who we are."
"We were scared children who slaughtered a man because we didn't understand." Grix said her voice angry.
"We're soldiers!" I shouted.
"Not any more." Brin shouted back. "We stopped the second we ran away."
"We gave up on her." I replied. "You still want to believe. You just said so when you asked me to tell the story."
"Christ Ben, it wasn't the story it was *you* telling it." Krit said.
"You're just too scared to want to believe anymore." I said softly and I got up, "I'll make you believe."
Krit got up with me, "You're just mad at Jondy. Don't take it out on us."
I glared at him. He knew it exactly. I looked away, "I'm tired."
"You can crash here," Grix offered, a small smile on her face. "I've got plenty of space."
I nodded and went to her guest room and laid down. None of the others followed me. I heard them talking about how I acted, about Jondy and Zane, but I didn't care. I took my necklace off and held it up so I could look at it. It caught a little ray a reflected light and I sighed, "I will make them believe again. All of them." I said and then I put the necklace back on and rolled over and fell asleep.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything DA related, sorry. The song, "As Is" is property of Ani Difranco. The song is off the CD entitled "Little Plastic Castle". I found the pre-chorus very fitting for Ben, you'll see why.
~~~~~~
It would be years later that I would see Jondy. I would be eighteen. She would be sixteen. Some of her inner glow would have faded. I had run away from Utah and gone to Seattle to look for work. I found her almost instantly. I smelled her heat a mile away.
I went into the bar. She was on a stage with three other girls. She saw me the instant I walked in. She continued to sing. The song finishes and the crowd clapped. Jondy smiled at me, the desire filling both of us. But she couldn't come down to me nor I to her.
"This is our last song for the night." The other blond in the band said, "An old cover called As Is."
The music started.
You can't hide
behind social graces
so don't try
to be all touchy feely.
Cuz you lie
in my face of all places
but I got no
problem with that really.
What bugs me
is that you believe what you're saying.
What bothers me
is that you don't know what you feel.
What scares me
is while you're telling me stories,
you actually
believe that they are real.
I got no illusions about you.
Guess what?
I never did.
When I said,
when I said I'll take it
I meant,
I meant as is.
Just give it up
and admit you're an asshole.
You would be
in some good company,
and I think you'd find
that your friends would forgive you
or maybe I
am just speaking for me.
When I look around
I think this, this is good enough
and I try to laugh
at whatever life brings.
Cuz when I look down
I miss all the good stuff,
and when I look up
I just trip over things.
I got no illusions about you.
Guess what?
I never did.
When I said,
when I said I'll take it
I meant,
I meant as is.
Jondy sang and I couldn't help but think that the song was about me. But I didn't care, I wanted her more than anything and the longer we had to wait, the more I felt ready to explode.
After the song two of her band mates pulled her off the stage. I growled, Jondy was MINE and they were taking her from *me*. I hurried back stage and by the time I got there she was gone. I followed her scent around town. She was in a cheep hotel that reeked of sex, doing pushups and trying to focus on anything but her urges and the overwhelming scent of the room. Her guitar laid against the wall next to a suitcase with scattered clothes.
She must have smelled that it was me because she ripped open the door a second after I knocked and she pushed me to her bed, "I knew you would come." She said as the passion filled us.
This was the best we had ever had. We were both mature now. She was much more experienced than I was. She had been the only girl I had ever been with and she went into heat four times a year for several days.
Several hours and bite marks later she laid next to me in the bed, "I missed you Ben."
"I missed you too Jondy."
She pulled herself on top of me, she didn't smell like heat but she wanted to sleep with me. It started out slow and delicate as her and I were in control but soon her pheromones began to build and we gave in to our animalistic side.
Days later she was done and laying next to me, I could feel her against me even though I was most of the way asleep.
"Ben, we've got to go." She whispered and crawled out of bed.
I groaned and rolled over. "Why?"
"I promised Zack."
"He's not here."
"Max is."
I sat up in a bolt and looked at Jondy. She looked sad about this, "She's here? Why aren't you excited?"
"She didn't recognize me." Jondy said fighting back against tears, "Besides I've got another gig in Sacramento in a few days, the others are coming. Not everyone but the ones who live in Cali."
I stared at her in shock, "Who?"
"Syl and probably Krit, Zane, Brin, and Grix."
I instantly was out of bed and pulling my clothes on. She smiled when she saw me pull on my necklace and I noticed she was wearing her jacket, it was getting thread bare but it fit her much better than it did three years ago.
Jondy drove down to San Jose, where she was living, and when we got there she changed into tight black pants, a very form fitting blue shirt, and a leather jacket. She packed again and we headed to LA.
It was evening when we got there. She drove straight to a club and we got out. The bouncer obviously knew her because he waved us through without charge. Jondy walked straight up to a table with a Latino boy, an Asain girl, a blond girl, a brunette girl, and a dark haired guy with a lopsided smile.
"Worried you weren't gonna show baby sister." The dark haired girl said. I forced myself to remember who they were but I couldn't be certain.
"I had to pick up a straggler. Ben. Lemme reintroduce you to Krit, Brin, Syl, Grix, and Zane."
Brin was out of her chair instantly with her arms around me. She held me tightly. When she let go, Syl wrapped her arms around me and from behind me Grix grabbed on. When they let go, I stuck my hand out to Zane, "Not in this family." He said as he hugged me. Krit's hug was the most brief, "Good to see you Ben."
Jondy gave the girls a quick hug and took up a seat between Syl and Grix. "You guys get any food?"
"Nope." Grix said and she playfully pushed Jondy, "We were waiting for someone."
"Someone who should have showered." Syl said with a face. "You smell like sex and your car."
"Excuuuuuse me." Jondy said, "I just got out of heat and drove straight down."
Zane looked to me and smiled. He clapped me on the shoulder, "Lucky bastard."
Everyone at the table laughed, except for Syl and Jondy. They faked it. I could tell when Jondy faked it and her and Syl looked a little alike. It was easy to read Syl too.
A waitress came up with a round of shot glasses and enough mugs of beer for our table. Jondy took her shot, "Who wants to dance?" she asked looking at me.
"I don't dance." I said looking away.
"Let's go Jondy." Zane said an instant after I denied her.
Syl and Brin and I were the only three left at the table after Grix literally pulled Krit out there. We watched them for a minute. Krit had a lopsided grin as Grix danced with him. I tried not to look at Jondy and Zane who were clearly the two most provocative dancers on the floor. His hand held on to her waist as their hips grinded together. Her hands in his hair.
"I'm going to the bathroom." I announced and I got up. I didn't go to the bathroom but I wanted to hear Syl and Brin's thoughts on what was happening. And of course they started chatting.
"That's so disgusting." Syl said to Brin.
"You don't seem to mind when it's you and Krit doing the same thing." Brin retorted.
Syl took a drink of her beer, "She's become a good liar."
"That wasn't Ben?" Brin asked.
"Of course it was." Syl said shaking her head, "But she's good at pretending everything's ok."
Brin didn't speak for a second. "Why wouldn't it be?"
Syl took another drink and leaned in. "You promise to not tell anyone, not even her?"
"Like I talk to her anyway. But yeah, of course I promise."
Syl paused, looked over to Jondy with sad eyes, "She miscarried."
Brin froze and my blood turned cold. Brin uttered the word I was thinking, "What?"
"After Miami she was brought down to San Jose and we ran into each other. She was freaking out because she was pregnant. Worried that Zack wouldn't let her keep it. I didn't want her to, she was a kid... she still is. As much as she tries to hide it, she's still the youngest... But anyway, I moved near her to help her through the pregnancy. She all but carried it to term, then like week before her due date she had a seizure. I was gone and she couldn't get up. It nearly killed her and it did kill the baby.
"My god." Brin said softly, "Is that why her eyes are always dark?"
"Yeah." Syl said taking another drink.
"Who's was it?"
"She won't tell me. She's told me everything except about this mystery guy who she went to in heat. I think it was Zack's personally. It was white."
"Doesn't mean it was Zack's." Brin said defensively. "I could sleep with Krit and we could have a white kid... not that I would... but our genes.."
"Yeah, I know." Syl said sighing. "I know she's slept with an X5. She's got the same bite scars we've got. A lot of them."
Brin took a drink. "Was it before or after Zane?"
"Before Zane." Syl said, "She didn't start sleeping with him until after she lost the child."
"Boy or girl?"
"Girl. She had already decided on a name. Ava Jaquielline Bramville. For Eva, Jack, and Bram. Everyone that died before the escape."
I closed my eyes as I remembered Eva getting shot, Manticore guards dragging Jack away, and hearing of Syl's accidental shooting of Bram.
Brin shook her head sadly, they both turned to look out at Zane and Jondy. Her hand was now draped around his neck, fingering his barcode. His eyes were closed in pleasure. "She was really good at names."
"She would have been a good mother, really woul have given Tinga a run for her money." Syl said trying to make Brin smile.
It was slightly successful, Brin's lips turned up slightly. "She would have, even as the youngest she looked out for everyone."
Grix and Krit, returned to the table, both energetic. "Sorry about stealin' your man," Grix said. "I just had to g-g-g-get my freak on."
Syl shook her head and smiled slightly, "You are a freak, Grix."
Grix stuck her tongue out playfully and sat down. Krit moved over to Syl and kissed the top of her head, "You hungry at all?"
I decided to move back to the table at this time. When I sat down, I realized everyone was looking at my necklace. It had come out from under my shirt. Syl swallowed, "You still believe?"
"Of course." I said shocked, "Don't you guys?"
None of them said anything, Jondy and Zane came back quickly. He was playing with her belt loops, his body touching as much of hers as he could manage, and they were both sweaty, "I'm tired, we're gonna go to sleep." Jondy said.
Everyone nodded, fully knowing that Jondy didn't sleep. Her and Zane were leaving to go sleep together.
"Where am I supposed to go?" I asked.
"Krit?" Jondy asked, looking to Krit. Shit, she couldn't even look at me.
"Sure. You can crash with me." Krit said.
Zane pulled Jondy into his arms and nibbled against her barcode. She nearly fell over in extacy. I wanted to rip his head off.
"Bye guys." She managed and the two of them left.
I picked up by beer and took a long drink, finishing off my mug. I grabbed both Jondy and Zane's and finished theirs. The other four watched me.
Grix looked to Brin, concern in her eyes. Brin nodded. "Let's go hang out someplace else." She suggested.
"Whatever." I said dispassionately.
Everyone got up and Syl locked arms with me and put her head on my shoulder. If she had been taller, I could have pretended she was Jondy. But Jondy was several inches taller even though she was almost two years younger.
Grix walked on the other side of me, Brin beside her and Krit behind us. Some guys in the bar looked at me jealously. Three attractive girls were walking with me but I didn't care. The one I wanted was off fucking my own brother. She hadn't even looked at me.
We headed back to Grix's apartment. Her and Brin were talking about switching houses. Grix wanted to be further north, in San Francisco and Brin wanted to be in LA. Krit moved up next to Syl and took her hand. She held tight to me, as though I might blow away in the wind.
Grix had a nice place, lots of places to sit. I sat in a recliner, Krit and Syl on one couch and Brin and Grix on the other. Syl looked to me, "Tell a story, like old times?" She asked, her voice childlike.
I swallowed hard, "I don't do that anymore."
"Please." Grix asked. Brin smiled too.
"Fine." I said. I leaned forward and put my feet on the ground, "About what?"
"Just like when we were kids. I missed your stories." Krit said.
I nodded, understanding. I pulled my necklace out and all of their eyes were instantly attacted to it. "Only the good soldiers go to the Good Place. The Good Place is everything we want it to be. We're all together and happy just like when we were young. Nobody cries, nobody dies, and nobody shouts orders. Any kind of food you want to eat is there and you get to have as much of it as you want. And when you love someone, they love you back. There's no pain. The Lady, she watches over us, protects us from pain and danger and people who want to hurt you. We're safe to show our barcodes because Lydecker can't go to the Good Place."
Syl started to drift to sleep, a happy smile on her face. Grix and Brin held onto each other like when they were kids. Krit smiled and played with Syl's hair as she started to sleep. Somewhere in my head I was able to make them younger in my head.
"Don't worry Ben, it's our nature to do this." I heard Jondy's voice to speak in my head. I started thinking about other things in our nature. Soldier stuff. Hunting, Seek and Destroy, Escape and Evade.
"And there's no Nomlies, we get to be what we were trained to be." I spoke, "We don't have to fight our nature. We can be who we want to be and not be afraid of capture."
Grix started to straighten up, obviously thinking about the Nomlie in the woods. No. He wasn't a Nomlie, he was a prisoner with a tattoo. Not a Nomlie.
I stopped speaking, "I don't want to do anymore."
Brin frowned, she always loved the stories. She had been a good soldier, all of us had been. Soldiers. We were soldiers not ordinary people. We aren't civilians.
Krit looked over. "I still have nightmares from that day." He said, he knew what I was talking about too.
"Why?" I asked. I had dreams about it but they never scared me. They always comforted me.
"We tore a guy apart." He said with a disgusted voice.
"Stop." Syl begged, waking up, "Don't talk about that."
"Why not?" I asked, getting upset. "It's in our nature, it's who we are."
"We were scared children who slaughtered a man because we didn't understand." Grix said her voice angry.
"We're soldiers!" I shouted.
"Not any more." Brin shouted back. "We stopped the second we ran away."
"We gave up on her." I replied. "You still want to believe. You just said so when you asked me to tell the story."
"Christ Ben, it wasn't the story it was *you* telling it." Krit said.
"You're just too scared to want to believe anymore." I said softly and I got up, "I'll make you believe."
Krit got up with me, "You're just mad at Jondy. Don't take it out on us."
I glared at him. He knew it exactly. I looked away, "I'm tired."
"You can crash here," Grix offered, a small smile on her face. "I've got plenty of space."
I nodded and went to her guest room and laid down. None of the others followed me. I heard them talking about how I acted, about Jondy and Zane, but I didn't care. I took my necklace off and held it up so I could look at it. It caught a little ray a reflected light and I sighed, "I will make them believe again. All of them." I said and then I put the necklace back on and rolled over and fell asleep.