CHAPTER 7—THE MORNING AFTER
Loralei stayed with the baby all night. Not only was she trying to avoid Donovan, but she also wanted to spend as much time with Rachel as she could. She didn't know how long she would be away from her daughter. She hadn't slept one wink all night, and she was completely exhausted. When she noticed the sun peeking through the blinds, she figured it wouldn't take long for Donovan to come wandering into the room. He normally came into the baby's room the first thing in the morning to spend time with her before he had to leave. It was basically 'his' time with her, but it was also his way of allowing Loralei to get some extra sleep, especially if Rachel had had a particularly active night. She wasn't sure she wanted to see Donovan this morning. She was still angry with him, and was certain he felt the same toward her. Loralei dragged her tired body out of the easy chair and made her way into the living room. There were a couple of phone calls she needed to make, and another she was expecting at any moment. Quietly, she crept out of Rachel's room and entered the living room. She half expected to see Donovan still planted firmly on the couch, but he wasn't. Loralei sighed. Good. I can do this now.
Donovan hadn't had a night any better than Loralei's. When she shut herself off in Rachel's room, he had contemplated sleeping on the couch, but thought better of it. After all, his wife had made it clear that she was pissed to the extreme. Of course, he was as well, but if he opened his mouth, it might make matters worse. If they could get any worse, he thought morbidly. He had kept the monitor turned on through the night, and tensed each time he heard Rachel cry out. A hundred times, he had been tempted to get up and go to his daughter, but the sound of Loralei's voice over the monitor stopped him each time. The hurt literally poured into every word that came out of her mouth. She tried to comfort her daughter, and all the while, she had been hurting tremendously. Regardless of that, he was stubborn enough to have convinced himself that he was right and she was wrong. However, she wouldn't see that, couldn't. Last night, he had threatened her with intervening, and he had meant every word of it. If he did that, she would never forgive him, would probably pack her things and leave immediately. He couldn't fathom the thought of her leaving him. Goddamn it. Why is she so stubborn? Donovan sighed deeply and got out of bed. He was tired, and hadn't felt this way in a long time. A creature of habit, Donovan set about his normal morning routine [today isn't anything close to normal], and made his way toward Rachel's room. He stopped in the narrow hallway separating the living room from the bedrooms. Loralei was speaking quietly into the phone.
"Yes," she said before pausing to listen to the caller. "I know there has to be additional refresher training before I go out. Can I leave this morning?" She stopped speaking again and listened. "Uh huh, I can catch the first flight out. Nine this morning? Isn't there anything earlier?" Another pause. "I see. Nine will have to do. Thanks."
When she hung up the phone, she noticed Donovan standing in the hallway staring at her. She briefly acknowledged his existence with a glance. She had started toward the bedroom, but the doorbell stopped her. She turned around and walked back toward the door and opened it. Stunned, Donovan watched as Geneva Kadin entered the room. She hugged her daughter tightly before Loralei closed the door behind her.
"Thanks for coming on such short notice, Mom," Loralei said.
"Loralei, I need to talk to you," Donovan said, a bit more harshly than intended. What the hell is she doing here? His mother in-law wasn't stupid. She knew something was going on between them, he could see it in her eyes.
She turned away from her mother and tromped back to the bedroom. Donovan followed her lead and closed the door. He turned to his wife and saw that she had sat down on the side of the bed [hers, not mine]. Her body was turned toward his, but she wasn't looking at him, not yet anyway. "What the hell are you doing," he demanded.
She crossed her arms over her chest and looked up at him defiantly. "I've requested to be sent to Quantico today to begin an intense refresher training. I wanted my mother here to help take care of Rachel while I'm gone. You can't do it by yourself, and no matter how much I want to, I can't take her with me."
Incredulously, he gazed at her. Had she flipped? Had she lost her mind? "Loralei, you're leaving me?" She had totally gone behind his back to set up everything so perfectly. He wasn't sure if he were angry or devastated or both.
"I thought we had this hammered out last night. You are well aware that I'm taking this assignment, and that means leaving. You knew this, Frank, don't act so surprised. Are you finished? I have some packing to do. My flight leaves in three hours."
"We had nothing hammered out. What did I know," he asked. "I knew you were taking it, but I didn't know you were going to leave today. I don't want you to go like this. I want to straighten out this mess before you leave me."
She closed her eyes and lowered her head for a moment. He had made it sound as if she were walking out on their marriage. Am I? "What mess, Frank? I want to do this, you disagree, but I'm doing it anyway. It can't be straightened out. Not now. I have to go, I have to do this. You don't understand, and it seems as if you won't any time soon. Leave me Frank. I can't do this with you here."
This had gotten completely out of hand. He couldn't watch her walk out the door, their marriage hanging by a thread. He couldn't live with the uncertainty or the pain. How could she walk away? How could she leave like this? These were questions that needed answers, but she wouldn't give them to him. He didn't want to go anywhere, he didn't want to let her leave, but there was nothing he could do about it. If he fought her, she'd only pull further away from him, and she was already too far away. Unmoving, he stood before her. Just a few nights ago, they'd spent hours making love to each other, holding each other. They had lain on the bed with their daughter between them as if nothing could ever interfere in their relationship. Today, it seemed as if the love they shared had been years in the past, and he hated feeling that way. He had never felt so distant from her than he did at that moment. He needed to do or say something to make it right, because in the back of his mind, he knew that anything could happen in the field. He couldn't imagine what life would be like without her, but there was always that chance. What if she were to walk out the door so upset with him and then never return? What if she were to die with anger in her heart instead of love? He couldn't think about or deal with it. Not today, tomorrow, or ever. She clearly wanted him to go, and despite the desperate ache in his heart, he would honor her request. Without uttering a syllable, he turned away from her, snatched open a drawer, dug out a few items of clothing, and then banged it shut. He dressed with jerking, tearing motions, and stalked out of the bedroom. A few moments later, she heard the front door opening, and then banging shut in his wake. The monitor came alive with Rachel's sudden, lusty cry. Loralei sat still for a few seconds before she went to tend to her crying infant.
Loralei packed as little as she could get away with. She could always come back for more. Could she? Would Donovan let her? She shook the thought out of her mind and slung her carry-on bag over her shoulder before picking up her one suitcase. She moved into the living room where her mother had just given Rachel her mid-morning feeding. It was a job she should have done, a job meant for her and her husband. Leaving Donovan behind was bad enough, but the thought of leaving her child was nearly incomprehensible. She dropped her bags near the door and went over to the couch. Her mother smiled at her gently as she gave the baby to her. Loralei held her daughter as tightly as was humanly possible without smothering her. She kissed her warm little forehead and drew away. Rachel was squirming contentedly in her arms, enjoying her touch and scent. When she looked at the baby, she always saw more of Donovan in her [and it was the exact opposite when Donovan looked at her], and it normally made her smile. Not today.
Loralei leaned down and pressed her lips to Rachel's forehead. "I'm going to miss you, little girl," she whispered, "Mommy's going to miss you so." Lingering longer than she needed to, she handed the baby back over to her mother and left while she still had the courage to go.
Loralei had thought Donovan took off somewhere else, but he didn't go any further than a few floors down. When he saw his wife walk down the long corridor that led to the parking garage, he found himself following her. If she saw him, she would likely smack him with her suitcase. She was completely oblivious; she wouldn't have known he was behind her unless she ran over him. He watched from around a corner as she viciously threw her bags into the trunk of the car. She slammed it shut and stood with her hands planted firmly upon it. From his vantage point, he could hear her sobbing. The sound was horrible and gut wrenching. He wasn't sure why she couldn't see that she didn't need to go on this mission. He shook his head. No, that wasn't quite right. She saw it; it was obvious in her demeanor earlier and in her sobs right now. She felt obligated by honor to tear herself apart. It made no sense. Yet, he was almost certain that if he were faced with the same choices, he would follow duty and obligation. How could he fault her for that? He jumped a little when she suddenly spat out a tear clotted 'fuck it.' For a moment, he thought she had seen him. Glancing carefully around the corner again, he watched as she climbed into the car. He closed his eyes tightly after he saw the car pulling away. Bring her back to me.
* * *
Donovan went back up to the apartment after Loralei's car was out of sight. When she sent him away, he had donned a tee shirt and sweatpants, and now he needed to dress for work. He glanced very briefly at his mother in-law. She was still sitting on the couch with the baby in her arms. He was tempted to send her away, because he was quite capable of caring for his child. However, if the team received an extended assignment, what would happen then? Where would Rachel go? For a moment, he was fiercely angry with Director Casey. He wanted to pound the man into the ground. Of course, his anger was also directed toward Bart Jackson as well. If he hadn't come to Loralei, none of this would have happened. If. He hated that word, hated it with a passion. He sensed that Geneva Kadin wanted to speak to him, probably wanted to ask what he had done to her baby to put her in such a state. He was in no mood. He stopped and walked over to the couch. Without a word, his mother in-law handed him Rachel.
"I've never taken sides when Loralei had discord with other men in her life," Geneva began.
He tried to block out her voice. He didn't want to hear it. She was just about to start bitching him out. All he wanted was to hold his daughter, love her, and then get his wife back home. Donovan carried Rachel over to an overstuffed easy chair beside the couch and sat down.
"I think she's wrong on this one. She shouldn't have gone back, not like this," she said.
Donovan said nothing, he kissed Rachel's forehead. "I appreciate what you're trying to do," he told her without making eye contact. "But I'd rather not discuss this with you. No offense, but I think this is something that Loralei and I will have to work out. I'm sorry you were brought into the middle of this."
* * *
Donovan didn't exactly make it in early. By the time he arrived at work, everyone had beaten him, including Jake, who often sauntered in last. He ignored his team, and their questioning looks, and made his way upstairs. He wanted to have a few minutes to brood before he checked out the inbox. Of course, he wasn't aware that Alex had inside information concerning his blowout with Loralei. Whenever the boss came in late, they inherently knew either something was wrong at home or that he had simply gotten up on the wrong side of the bed. Alex listened to the warnings of 'better not,' 'stand back,' 'don't do it,' and of course, her favorite, 'wear a bulletproof vest' [from Cody, of course] as she made her way upstairs. Before she tapped on the door, she could hear Donovan grumbling to himself, cursing under his breath. When she knocked, she received a petulant, 'what is it?' She cracked open the door and slipped inside. Donovan was staring at her coldly, with anger in his eyes. He was aware that his wife and Alex were relatively buddy-buddy. He wondered if she had come in to preach at him.
"If you came in here to scold me for making my wife cry, I'd rethink that," he said stiffly.
She crossed her arms over her chest and peered at him with a wry smile on her lips. When she first met Donovan, she had been convinced that he didn't have a heart. Her opinion changed, of course, but he remained icy and stoic regardless of the situation. It had changed immediately when he met Loralei. He had gotten crafty enough to separate his home life from his job, but every now and then [especially when Loralei called or visited], he would let his guard down. Today, even through his rough veneer, she could see that he was hurting, that he missed her. She wondered if he realized that Loralei had sobbed on her shoulder half the night because she loved this bastard so much. Apparently, their argument had extended well into this morning.
"I'm not in here to scold you, Boss. I'm just worried about you, and about my friend. She was at my place half the night, and I tried to convince her to spend the night, but she wouldn't. She wanted to come home to you."
He sighed and smiled a trifle bitterly. He couldn't believe he was having this conversation with her. "Did she," he spat hurtfully. "Could have fooled me. I find it odd that she wanted to come home so badly that she chose not to sleep with me. She chose not to speak to me until this morning, and when she did, it was to announce she was leaving for Quantico. To me, it doesn't sound as if she wanted to come back that badly."
Her smile grew. "Would you listen to yourself? You are so convinced that you're right and she's wrong, that you're willing to allow something this stupid to come between you. I think of all the things that have happened to both of you during your relationship, and some of them were pretty bad, but you managed to hold it together. Yet, your ego can't absorb the fact that she has a strong desire to assist her former partner. All you can see is that the wife of the great Frank Donovan wants to go back in the field. How dare she defy you and your wishes. How dare she have a mind of her own. You're letting your ego separate you from this woman who literally gave up her life for you. I'm not saying that she made the best choice or even the worst. All I'm saying is that you shouldn't let your overprotective nature interfere with your marriage. Who cares who's right or wrong? You love her, I know you do, and she loves you."
Donovan sighed again. His anger and hurt had begun to dissipate just the slightest bit. "I'm glad that she has you as her friend, and I appreciate your honesty, but I really, really need to be alone."
She nodded. "Okay."
* * *
Back on an airplane. Back to Quantico. How bizarre, Loralei thought. Her first experience at the academy had been a good one. Not this time. Her mind then drifted back to the last time she had been on an airplane. Nope. Will not think of Frank. Will not, will not, will not. As soon as the plane touched down, she would call home and speak to her mother. She hoped her husband wouldn't be home. If the flight arrived at the proper time, Donovan should still be at the Nest. She wasn't sure when she could talk to him. Her hurt was acute, but she loved the fucker. She missed him already. Shrugging her thoughts away, she leaned back in the seat and closed her eyes. She was so very exhausted.
When the plane landed, Loralei saw a young man holding up a sign with her name on it [Loralei Kadin, of course]. Tell me that Casey didn't send down a limo, she thought. What the hell was this? Why was this freak kissing her ass all of a sudden? She shook her head and approached the man. She wanted to get to the academy and get this over with. The sooner she saw the end of the assignment, the sooner she could get home.
* * *
Donovan ended up going home early. He was quite distracted, and couldn't really get any work done. He had also lost his temper a few times with Cody. Of course, that wasn't anything new, but it seemed as if everything that came out of the young man's mouth set him off. Before he could isolate his team, he left for home. As much as Loralei had done dozens of times since Rachel was born, Donovan took her from her crib, and laid her beside him on the bed. Looking down at his daughter, he mused how so very green her eyes were. He watched with an amused smile as she began kicking out with her legs and flailing her arms about. He took hold of her tiny fist and was once again amazed at how strongly she gripped his finger. He sensed she would be quite the little spitfire, with his temper and Loralei's overwhelming stubbornness mixed with a dash of his own bullheadedness. Yes. They would have their hands full as soon as she was old enough to exert her independence. They. Would there be a they? Nope, won't think it about. Won't give in to that thought. From the living room, he heard the phone ring.
"I'll get it," he called out to Geneva. He reached over and grabbed the phone. "Hello."
Oh God, she thought. What is he doing home? "It's me, Frank," Loralei said. "I called to say that I landed safely," she said a little stiffly. "Could you put my mother on, please?"
He chewed on his bottom lip, working it over for all it was worth. "You don't want to talk to me," he finally managed to ask.
"No, I don't," she lied. "Would you please put my mother on the phone," she asked again.
"No, Loralei, I won't. Whatever you want to talk about, talk to me, not your mother. You shouldn't have even brought her here. This has nothing to do with her, or Alex. This is between us. I'm sure that anything you wanted to ask your mother can be answered by me just as easily. Right? What is it?"
She sighed sadly. "I'm not getting into a battle with you over the phone. I refuse to do that. I just want to know how the baby is doing."
He bit his lip again. His anger had not gone away, not one iota. Somehow, he had to get rid of it. "She's fine, Loralei, but she misses you." I miss you.
Is she the only one? "I miss her, too."
He couldn't hold his tongue any longer. "If that's true, then come home."
She exhaled an angered breath. "Goodbye, Frank." She hung up in his ear.
Goddamn it, you stupid, stupid bastard. He had finally gotten her to speak to him with a relatively civil tongue, and what had he done? He couldn't let it go, couldn't just say 'fuck it' and throw it out the window. Uh uh. Not him. Not the Iceman.