Untitled Chapter One
"I'll see you tomorrow then."
After that, I couldn't be anywhere near him. I turned around, not too quickly, as to arouse suspicion, but quickly enough so that he couldn't see my tears.
I tried to breathe deeply, not wanting to completely lose it until I was by myself. I know that I shouldn't be this upset, but I am. Even though I know he didn't technically do anything, I mean, all the man did was get back together with his girlfriend. But it felt like betrayal.
I take it back. I should be upset. The man that I love is dating someone else. All I want to do right now is be completely irrational say that he shouldn't date her. I keep going in circles. I really thought that he felt the same way about me. His behavior has extended beyond protocol countless times. But maybe that's just his personality.
I don't even realize that I'm on the elevator until the doors open. I see where I am, and I'm right outside my mothers cell. I go on instinct. For once, I just want to talk to her, normally.
I walk to the guard, show him my badge, and wait for all the bars to open. This is the first time that I've seen my mother without all my words planned ahead of time. I'm worried that if I'm unprepared, she'll catch me off guard and everything that I've worked so hard for will be ruined.
I walk up to the glass, peering in. She's sitting on the floor, cross- legged, reading.
"Hi." I say to her. She gets up and approaches the window.
"Thank you." I say. "I got the antidote and Vaughn's going to be fine." I smiled.
"Yes." She begins softly, dragging out her words. "Mr. Vaughn," she pauses, "came to see me earlier."
"Oh." I say, surprised. "Well, I'm sure he's very grateful as well." I reply, trying to remain unfazed and professional.
"Yes, he was. But that's not why he came." She waits for me to ask her why, and I know that she'll wait forever if I don't.
"Why did he come?" I ask, trying to seem uninterested.
"We had an arrangement. I would give you the details of the antidote, if." she trails off here and I find myself incredibly irritated by this. I refuse to give her the satisfaction of begging for an answer, and simply wait for her to continue. "If he told me his feelings about you." She finishes, and awaits my reaction.
"What?" I am fuming. "I told you that interfering in my personal life is unacceptable." I say harshly.
"By asking me for the antidote, you invited me into your life." She says calmly, as if I had actually given her an invitation.
"You had no right to ask that of him." I say, trying to make my point once more.
"Aren't you curious what he said?" she asks. She knows I am, but I will not tell her. I simply stare at her, daring her not to tell me.
"He wouldn't give me a straight answer." She says. She moves away from the glass and begins to walk around her cell. "He just started talking about rules and protocol." She looks at me, "things I've never been too fond of." She begins to pace again. "I told him that the rules between a man and a woman should be more important than protocol, but I'm not sure that he listened." She looks at me once again, trying to gauge my reaction. I won't give her one.
"Don't ever put him in that position again." I said, my voice was harsh, but I hated that it quivered ever so slightly.
She looks at me closely, right in the eyes. I avert my eyes from her gaze. "You've been crying." She states. I hate this. "Why?"
"I came to say thank you, and I have." I say firmly. "Goodbye."
At this, I turn, and walk quickly out of the area. All I want to do is go home and sink into bed, and that's exactly what I do.
When I get home, no one is in the house. I am so incredibly thankful for this fact. I quickly strip out of my clothes and put on my bathrobe. I climb into bed, and finally allow myself to break down.
These past few days have been far too emotional. I don't know how much more of this I can handle, and the only person I want to talk to is Vaughn, but I can't call him. One, because this problem is about him, and two.he's probably with Alice.
I hear someone come in the door, and I try to wipe my tears away as quickly as possible. I hear Will calling my name.
"I'm in my room." I call back.
My door is cracked, and I'm mad at myself for not closing it all the way. Will knocks softly.
"Hey. Can I come in?" he asks.
"Yeah, its fine, I'm just taking a nap." I say. How else would I explain being in my bed in the middle of the day?
He comes and sits on the edge of my bed. "How was your day?" he asks. "Or should I say, how is your day?" he attempts a joke, and I smile a little.
"Fine." I choke out. I can feel the tears welling again, and I just want Will to go away. I don't want to deal with his questions.
"Hey, what's wrong?" he asks, genuinely concerned. The tears start rolling down my face and I can't stop them. I shake my head, hoping that he'll get the message, but he presses on. "Come on, you can tell me. Is it about work?" he asks. I feel like a child, but I shake my head anyway. "Your mom?" another shake. "Your dad?" he asks again. I manage to get out a "no" this time. "Vaughn?" he asks.
I feel a huge lump rise in my throat, and the tears start coming faster.
"Oh." Is all that Will says. I know that he likes me. It's obvious. I think he's gotten better though. He seems more friend-like lately. "What about him?" he asks. I have to admire him for this. I could never ask Vaughn about Alice. I cringe at this thought. I decide that if Will really wants to know this, than I'll let him have it.
"He has a girlfriend." I say. As the words come out, I feel stupid.
"And this is a problem." he states. I think he knows by now that I have beyond protocol feelings for Vaughn.
"He's not supposed to have a girlfriend." I say. And now I feel even stupider and selfish.
Will chuckles a little. "Well what's he supposed to do? Sit and pine?" Will asks. I know that he doesn't like Vaughn very much, but couldn't he be a little more supportive?
Yes! I'm screaming in my mind. He is supposed to sit and pine, like I pine for him.
"Can I do anything to help?" Will asks.
"No. I'm fine. It's just been a rough week." I say, collecting myself a little.
Will gets up. "Right. Okay, I'll see you later then." He says, moving towards the door. He pauses before he leaves though. "Syd?" he asks.
"Yeah." I reply, looking back at him. "I think he likes you too." This floors me. I can't believe Will would say it, and I can't believe that he'd think it either. Why would he think Vaughn likes me?
"Why do you think that?" I ask, trying to seem nonchalant, which is a total waste at this point.
"Just the way he looks when he talks about you. And I've only met the guy a few times, but I just get a feeling like, he really wants to be with you, all the time." Will says. He sighs and starts to walk out.
"Thanks." I say softly before he's totally out of earshot.
I smile to myself and stretch a little. I actually feel better.
I slept for the rest of the day, and all that night. It felt good. It's what I needed. When I wake up, I feel better than I have in weeks, and I feel ready to face the day and whatever challenges come with it. Thank God it's Saturday and I don't have to go to work.
As soon as I sit up and put my feet on the ground, the phone rings. I look at the clock (8:32) before I answer it.
"Hello." I say into the phone, really not wanting to talk to whoever is on the other side.
"Joey's Pizza?" the voice asks. For a second, I'm so surprised that I forget my line.
"Wrong number." I fumble out.
Why is he calling me on a Saturday morning? He better have a good reason. Although it does make me feel good that he's up early enough on a Saturday morning to meet with me, that he's not in bed with Alice, or anyone else for that matter.
I get out of bed, brush my teeth and hair and put on a pair of jeans and a sweater. No one is up yet, so I leave a note on the fridge saying that I've gone to get breakfast. I walk out the door and take a deep breath, preparing myself for whatever is going to happen at the warehouse.
I pull up to the warehouse and his car is already there, of course. I walk in, and I see him pacing. This is something I'm not used to seeing. Vaughn is always calm, always put together.
He's not wearing a suit. Instead, he's wearing jeans and a button down. I like this look better on him. It suits him well.
I walk in and slide the gate open. He hears me and turns.
"Hi." He says, smiling, but it's a nervous smile. He's nervous. Really nervous.
"Hi." I say. "What's wrong?" I say. He is making me feel nervous.
"Nothing." He says, a little to quickly. He smiles again, and seems to relax a little. "Nothing's wrong." He repeats.
"What's this about?" I ask, getting confused and frustrated.
"I just wanted to talk to you." He says.
"Oh." I reply. I take a seat.
"I didn't like how we left things yesterday." He begins. I'm not liking where this is going. "It felt awkward, and I don't want it to be that way with us. Not after.everything." He says. He's beginning to get nervous again. I'm not sure what he's going to tell me, but I'm not sure I'm going to want to hear it.
"Look," I say, "I told you that you don't have to explain anything and I meant it. Not just for your benefit either. Maybe-" He cuts me off.
"I broke up with Alice." He says quickly. This, I was not expecting.
"Oh," is all I can muster. I swallow, and try to focus. "What happened?" I ask, suddenly having a real interest in this conversation.
"Well, facing death twice in a month really makes a man think." He jokes.
I smile, too focused on what he has to tell me to have more of a reaction.
"Okay. This is going to be interesting. Just, please, don't say anything until I'm done." He says. He's looking really nervous now. "Do you remember when you came back from Arkhangelesk, and I asked you how it went with Noah?" he asks. I think this is an incredibly random question, but I nod anyway. "Well, you told me that it had gone well, and you had this look. I can't really describe it, but I knew that something had happened. I felt betrayed by this. I know that I shouldn't have, but I did. I guess I never expected you to be with anyone." He pauses, as if thinking back to that day. "That night, I went to a dinner party at a friends house, and Alice was there. We got to talking, and I think I was just willing to go with anyone, because I knew that there was no point in being single anymore. Not that there was before, but." he trails off. "Anyway, we've been together since then. When I was in the hospital, I though I was going to die. I really did. And I had a lot of time to think. And I realized that I had wasted so much time. The only person I wanted to be with me right then, was you, and you were the only person who couldn't be there." He pauses again and looks right at me. I can feel tears running down my face, but I welcome them this time. "Alice and I were never right for each other. And she didn't deserve to be used like that. I broke it off when I realized what I was doing." He smiles now. "Unfortunately, I didn't realize this until I saw you yesterday, and found myself having the need to justify something to you, that I probably shouldn't have. So, that's it. That's what I had to tell you. You don't.have to say anything, I just wanted you to know because." he sighs, and sits down on a crate.
I'm speechless. I really don't have anything to say. What do you say when the man you love just poured his heart out to you, but you can't act on it.
"Wow." I say, and I know I sound incredibly stupid. He raises his eyes from the floor and smiles a little at me. He stands up, and for a moment, I think he's going to leave. He can't leave yet, I haven't even said anything. I stand up too.
I guess it's my turn now. My feelings don't seem quite as stupid now that I know he's been feeling the same things.
"When I met Alice at the hospital, and she introduced herself as your girlfriend, I felt like I had just lost a part of me. I hated myself for feeling this way, for being mad at you, when you had done absolutely nothing wrong, but I did." I pause here, not feeling the need to go on. "What are we going to do about this?" I ask.
He's smiling. I think he's happy that his feelings aren't one sided, but how could he think that they ever were?
"This is crazy." He says.
"What?" I ask him.
"This." He motions between us. "We shouldn't let protocol rule our lives. I can't risk losing you again, never really knowing what its like to be with you." His words are so honest, yet so full of pain and fear.
I walk up to him slowly. I place my hands on his chest and slowly lean into him, capturing his lips with mine.
He responds immediately, kissing me tentatively, but passionately.
I have been waiting for this for so long, and it's everything I dreamed it could be. I pulled back and looked into his eyes. "Is this going to work?" I ask him, actually fearing what the answer might be.
"It has to." He replies. "I can't go on, knowing what it's like to kiss you, and never being able to do it again." He smiles, and I smile back at him.
"Good." I say, believing his words. This time, he leans down to me and kisses me, with an intensity I've never experienced. In that one kiss, he tells me everything he's wanted to for the past year, and I know that this is going to be great. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Note: I know that this was mushy, and totally out of character, but I needed to write it. I needed a happy ending for these two. Please review; let me know what you think. I always feel bad about giving bad reviews, but if you think it sucked, let me know so that next time I'll know what to fix. Thanks~ Carrie
"I'll see you tomorrow then."
After that, I couldn't be anywhere near him. I turned around, not too quickly, as to arouse suspicion, but quickly enough so that he couldn't see my tears.
I tried to breathe deeply, not wanting to completely lose it until I was by myself. I know that I shouldn't be this upset, but I am. Even though I know he didn't technically do anything, I mean, all the man did was get back together with his girlfriend. But it felt like betrayal.
I take it back. I should be upset. The man that I love is dating someone else. All I want to do right now is be completely irrational say that he shouldn't date her. I keep going in circles. I really thought that he felt the same way about me. His behavior has extended beyond protocol countless times. But maybe that's just his personality.
I don't even realize that I'm on the elevator until the doors open. I see where I am, and I'm right outside my mothers cell. I go on instinct. For once, I just want to talk to her, normally.
I walk to the guard, show him my badge, and wait for all the bars to open. This is the first time that I've seen my mother without all my words planned ahead of time. I'm worried that if I'm unprepared, she'll catch me off guard and everything that I've worked so hard for will be ruined.
I walk up to the glass, peering in. She's sitting on the floor, cross- legged, reading.
"Hi." I say to her. She gets up and approaches the window.
"Thank you." I say. "I got the antidote and Vaughn's going to be fine." I smiled.
"Yes." She begins softly, dragging out her words. "Mr. Vaughn," she pauses, "came to see me earlier."
"Oh." I say, surprised. "Well, I'm sure he's very grateful as well." I reply, trying to remain unfazed and professional.
"Yes, he was. But that's not why he came." She waits for me to ask her why, and I know that she'll wait forever if I don't.
"Why did he come?" I ask, trying to seem uninterested.
"We had an arrangement. I would give you the details of the antidote, if." she trails off here and I find myself incredibly irritated by this. I refuse to give her the satisfaction of begging for an answer, and simply wait for her to continue. "If he told me his feelings about you." She finishes, and awaits my reaction.
"What?" I am fuming. "I told you that interfering in my personal life is unacceptable." I say harshly.
"By asking me for the antidote, you invited me into your life." She says calmly, as if I had actually given her an invitation.
"You had no right to ask that of him." I say, trying to make my point once more.
"Aren't you curious what he said?" she asks. She knows I am, but I will not tell her. I simply stare at her, daring her not to tell me.
"He wouldn't give me a straight answer." She says. She moves away from the glass and begins to walk around her cell. "He just started talking about rules and protocol." She looks at me, "things I've never been too fond of." She begins to pace again. "I told him that the rules between a man and a woman should be more important than protocol, but I'm not sure that he listened." She looks at me once again, trying to gauge my reaction. I won't give her one.
"Don't ever put him in that position again." I said, my voice was harsh, but I hated that it quivered ever so slightly.
She looks at me closely, right in the eyes. I avert my eyes from her gaze. "You've been crying." She states. I hate this. "Why?"
"I came to say thank you, and I have." I say firmly. "Goodbye."
At this, I turn, and walk quickly out of the area. All I want to do is go home and sink into bed, and that's exactly what I do.
When I get home, no one is in the house. I am so incredibly thankful for this fact. I quickly strip out of my clothes and put on my bathrobe. I climb into bed, and finally allow myself to break down.
These past few days have been far too emotional. I don't know how much more of this I can handle, and the only person I want to talk to is Vaughn, but I can't call him. One, because this problem is about him, and two.he's probably with Alice.
I hear someone come in the door, and I try to wipe my tears away as quickly as possible. I hear Will calling my name.
"I'm in my room." I call back.
My door is cracked, and I'm mad at myself for not closing it all the way. Will knocks softly.
"Hey. Can I come in?" he asks.
"Yeah, its fine, I'm just taking a nap." I say. How else would I explain being in my bed in the middle of the day?
He comes and sits on the edge of my bed. "How was your day?" he asks. "Or should I say, how is your day?" he attempts a joke, and I smile a little.
"Fine." I choke out. I can feel the tears welling again, and I just want Will to go away. I don't want to deal with his questions.
"Hey, what's wrong?" he asks, genuinely concerned. The tears start rolling down my face and I can't stop them. I shake my head, hoping that he'll get the message, but he presses on. "Come on, you can tell me. Is it about work?" he asks. I feel like a child, but I shake my head anyway. "Your mom?" another shake. "Your dad?" he asks again. I manage to get out a "no" this time. "Vaughn?" he asks.
I feel a huge lump rise in my throat, and the tears start coming faster.
"Oh." Is all that Will says. I know that he likes me. It's obvious. I think he's gotten better though. He seems more friend-like lately. "What about him?" he asks. I have to admire him for this. I could never ask Vaughn about Alice. I cringe at this thought. I decide that if Will really wants to know this, than I'll let him have it.
"He has a girlfriend." I say. As the words come out, I feel stupid.
"And this is a problem." he states. I think he knows by now that I have beyond protocol feelings for Vaughn.
"He's not supposed to have a girlfriend." I say. And now I feel even stupider and selfish.
Will chuckles a little. "Well what's he supposed to do? Sit and pine?" Will asks. I know that he doesn't like Vaughn very much, but couldn't he be a little more supportive?
Yes! I'm screaming in my mind. He is supposed to sit and pine, like I pine for him.
"Can I do anything to help?" Will asks.
"No. I'm fine. It's just been a rough week." I say, collecting myself a little.
Will gets up. "Right. Okay, I'll see you later then." He says, moving towards the door. He pauses before he leaves though. "Syd?" he asks.
"Yeah." I reply, looking back at him. "I think he likes you too." This floors me. I can't believe Will would say it, and I can't believe that he'd think it either. Why would he think Vaughn likes me?
"Why do you think that?" I ask, trying to seem nonchalant, which is a total waste at this point.
"Just the way he looks when he talks about you. And I've only met the guy a few times, but I just get a feeling like, he really wants to be with you, all the time." Will says. He sighs and starts to walk out.
"Thanks." I say softly before he's totally out of earshot.
I smile to myself and stretch a little. I actually feel better.
I slept for the rest of the day, and all that night. It felt good. It's what I needed. When I wake up, I feel better than I have in weeks, and I feel ready to face the day and whatever challenges come with it. Thank God it's Saturday and I don't have to go to work.
As soon as I sit up and put my feet on the ground, the phone rings. I look at the clock (8:32) before I answer it.
"Hello." I say into the phone, really not wanting to talk to whoever is on the other side.
"Joey's Pizza?" the voice asks. For a second, I'm so surprised that I forget my line.
"Wrong number." I fumble out.
Why is he calling me on a Saturday morning? He better have a good reason. Although it does make me feel good that he's up early enough on a Saturday morning to meet with me, that he's not in bed with Alice, or anyone else for that matter.
I get out of bed, brush my teeth and hair and put on a pair of jeans and a sweater. No one is up yet, so I leave a note on the fridge saying that I've gone to get breakfast. I walk out the door and take a deep breath, preparing myself for whatever is going to happen at the warehouse.
I pull up to the warehouse and his car is already there, of course. I walk in, and I see him pacing. This is something I'm not used to seeing. Vaughn is always calm, always put together.
He's not wearing a suit. Instead, he's wearing jeans and a button down. I like this look better on him. It suits him well.
I walk in and slide the gate open. He hears me and turns.
"Hi." He says, smiling, but it's a nervous smile. He's nervous. Really nervous.
"Hi." I say. "What's wrong?" I say. He is making me feel nervous.
"Nothing." He says, a little to quickly. He smiles again, and seems to relax a little. "Nothing's wrong." He repeats.
"What's this about?" I ask, getting confused and frustrated.
"I just wanted to talk to you." He says.
"Oh." I reply. I take a seat.
"I didn't like how we left things yesterday." He begins. I'm not liking where this is going. "It felt awkward, and I don't want it to be that way with us. Not after.everything." He says. He's beginning to get nervous again. I'm not sure what he's going to tell me, but I'm not sure I'm going to want to hear it.
"Look," I say, "I told you that you don't have to explain anything and I meant it. Not just for your benefit either. Maybe-" He cuts me off.
"I broke up with Alice." He says quickly. This, I was not expecting.
"Oh," is all I can muster. I swallow, and try to focus. "What happened?" I ask, suddenly having a real interest in this conversation.
"Well, facing death twice in a month really makes a man think." He jokes.
I smile, too focused on what he has to tell me to have more of a reaction.
"Okay. This is going to be interesting. Just, please, don't say anything until I'm done." He says. He's looking really nervous now. "Do you remember when you came back from Arkhangelesk, and I asked you how it went with Noah?" he asks. I think this is an incredibly random question, but I nod anyway. "Well, you told me that it had gone well, and you had this look. I can't really describe it, but I knew that something had happened. I felt betrayed by this. I know that I shouldn't have, but I did. I guess I never expected you to be with anyone." He pauses, as if thinking back to that day. "That night, I went to a dinner party at a friends house, and Alice was there. We got to talking, and I think I was just willing to go with anyone, because I knew that there was no point in being single anymore. Not that there was before, but." he trails off. "Anyway, we've been together since then. When I was in the hospital, I though I was going to die. I really did. And I had a lot of time to think. And I realized that I had wasted so much time. The only person I wanted to be with me right then, was you, and you were the only person who couldn't be there." He pauses again and looks right at me. I can feel tears running down my face, but I welcome them this time. "Alice and I were never right for each other. And she didn't deserve to be used like that. I broke it off when I realized what I was doing." He smiles now. "Unfortunately, I didn't realize this until I saw you yesterday, and found myself having the need to justify something to you, that I probably shouldn't have. So, that's it. That's what I had to tell you. You don't.have to say anything, I just wanted you to know because." he sighs, and sits down on a crate.
I'm speechless. I really don't have anything to say. What do you say when the man you love just poured his heart out to you, but you can't act on it.
"Wow." I say, and I know I sound incredibly stupid. He raises his eyes from the floor and smiles a little at me. He stands up, and for a moment, I think he's going to leave. He can't leave yet, I haven't even said anything. I stand up too.
I guess it's my turn now. My feelings don't seem quite as stupid now that I know he's been feeling the same things.
"When I met Alice at the hospital, and she introduced herself as your girlfriend, I felt like I had just lost a part of me. I hated myself for feeling this way, for being mad at you, when you had done absolutely nothing wrong, but I did." I pause here, not feeling the need to go on. "What are we going to do about this?" I ask.
He's smiling. I think he's happy that his feelings aren't one sided, but how could he think that they ever were?
"This is crazy." He says.
"What?" I ask him.
"This." He motions between us. "We shouldn't let protocol rule our lives. I can't risk losing you again, never really knowing what its like to be with you." His words are so honest, yet so full of pain and fear.
I walk up to him slowly. I place my hands on his chest and slowly lean into him, capturing his lips with mine.
He responds immediately, kissing me tentatively, but passionately.
I have been waiting for this for so long, and it's everything I dreamed it could be. I pulled back and looked into his eyes. "Is this going to work?" I ask him, actually fearing what the answer might be.
"It has to." He replies. "I can't go on, knowing what it's like to kiss you, and never being able to do it again." He smiles, and I smile back at him.
"Good." I say, believing his words. This time, he leans down to me and kisses me, with an intensity I've never experienced. In that one kiss, he tells me everything he's wanted to for the past year, and I know that this is going to be great. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Note: I know that this was mushy, and totally out of character, but I needed to write it. I needed a happy ending for these two. Please review; let me know what you think. I always feel bad about giving bad reviews, but if you think it sucked, let me know so that next time I'll know what to fix. Thanks~ Carrie