Beautiful Boy
He smiles…claps his hands...his laughter tinkles like wind chimes, I hear its echo wherever I go…like bubbly spring water, I feel its trickling warmth find a niche inside my heart. What exuberant joy! His pudgy fingers grab and tug at my hair…he does that a lot. I don't mind. I don't mind at all.
His eyes are so blue—bluer even than Gentatsu's sky. They're peaceful right now, trusting, but I see a question lurking: Will you leave me? He looks directly into my fascinated gaze, silent now, and waiting…Perhaps he inherited the question along with his mother's eyes. No matter how I try, I can't seem to assure Kaoru completely. I leave, yes, but I always return to her. I will return to my wife, the woman I love and the mother of my child. I will return to you as well, Kenji-kun.
He scares me, this child of ours. The same pull I experience whenever I am the recipient of Kaoru's look, I feel threefold in his. The same fierce desire to protect my beloved, I have for this innocent kid. He looks wise beyond his years, but he has yet to discover the harshness of reality's intrusion into any play-space, between any secure familial embrace. He has yet to experience true joy as well as the pain of loss.
This is joy I feel right now, with you, and Kaoru asleep next to us…you've exhausted your mother again, demanding little scamp, but she's smiling too, look at how beautifully serene she is.
As to the other…
He has yet to experience betrayal. I fear that he will experience it in my hands. I fear that he will not understand that I have a responsibility to the people of Japan, especially people I have hurt because of my past actions. I fear he will not understand that I need to leave him and his mother, to help our countrymen…I fear that he will be angry with me. And he will be justified.
Will you remember me Kenji? Will you remember this moment in my arms? Or will our separation forfeit each memory, your laughter ending in silence, your hands no longer reaching out, having met only empty space…
I cannot bear to think about it and yet I have to do it. I have to let him grow without knowing me, leave him and his mother without my immediate protection. I pray to the gods to keep my family safe. I will do my part. I will ensure that order be maintained in Japan, so I need never leave my wife again, and my son need never know what it means to kill or watch someone he loves be killed—those two choices will not be his.
Peace will be my legacy to you, Kenji-kun.