Ep.1: I've Got a Secret...
(Setting: LARGE studio. The lights in the front are really bright and the ones in the back are dim. Set up like a typical talk show set with Heero sitting at the desk fiddling with his mic)
*Screwed version of the Gundam Wing theme plays*
Heero: *Looks up* Oh, uh are we on? We are? *Stands up and quickly rushes to the front of the audience. Looks normal* Hello and welcome to my show. You heard me Jerry. MY SHOW. And this is the first episode of MY SHOW. And to start us off, we have our guest Relena Peacecraft. Say hi Relena.
Relena: *Come out on stage, sits, and waves happily* Hi Relena!
Heero: *Looks at Relena then camera* Oh come on! Don't tell me you didn't see that coming. Now Relena, do you know why you're here?
Relena: *Sparkly eyed, SD* So you can profess your undying love to me for all to hear?!
Heero: *Slowly* In God's world.
Relena: *Pouts* Then I don't know.
Heero: *Walks up to set* It figures. Well, it's because of one Zechs Marquise other wise known as your brother.
Relena: *Gasp* Oh no! Oh wait...I already knew that.
Heero: *Looks at camera and rolls eyes. Looks back at Relena* Yeah, uh-huh. Well anyway, he has brought you here because *turns to audience smiling from ear to ear?!* *Sing-song voice* He's got a secret!
Relena: Really? What is it?
Heero: *Still smiling?!* *Sing-song* Because if I told you it wouldn't be a secret! *Looks normal again* Besides, I don't know either. That's why we're here. Now bring out Zechs Marquise!
Zechs: *Is escorted out by me and Chibi* Uh h-hi H-Heero. *Sits down 2 chairs from Relena*
Heero: And those are my two bodyguards—like I need them—Chibi and Rizu-chan. Say hi Chibi and Rizu.
BGs: Hi Chibi and Rizu. *Leave*
Heero: *Sweat drop* I'm surrounded by idiots.
Audience: *Boos*
Heero: *Quickly turns around* BUT NOT YOU GUYS! *Audience throw cans and sharp object at him* Ouch! Hey! Watch it! ARGH! *Throws the Dallas cheerleaders' bras at audience*
Audience: *Sit still and marvel at the bras*
Heero: Okay, so Zechs. You're here to tell your sister a secret. What is it?
Zechs: Well, um, Relena...*Fidgets*
Relena: Yes Zechs? What is it?
Zechs: Relena...I am your mother.
Everyone else: *Silence. Crickets chirp*
Heero: ...yeah. Zechs, that's impossible.
Zechs: No seriously! *Takes off clothes to reveal he is a woman* See?
Heero: ...*Rubs temples* My spider-sense is tingling. SECURITY!
BGs: *Run out and restrain Relena just in time but barely*
Relena: YOU &*(&&(q*sa)*)&&*^&^^%%^$@~#@$%^&())(#$%^&-*//*&&*^%*&*MOTHER_**&*&*^^%%^^&^^**&*&*&**&*^&&^%%GOD*))(GERBIL(**()&&(*(MORON! AAAAAAAAAAH!
Zechs: You'd think you'd be glad to see me!
Relena: YOU HID THIS FROM ME ALL THIS TIME?! I F***ING HATE YOU! *Gets free and claws up Zechs' face*
Zechs: AHH! *Tries to block her.
Heero: Yep, that's the spider-sense. Let's take a commercial break while I fix this. *Pulls out large gun and stalks towards the dog-pile*
*******COMMERCIAL********COMMERCIAL************
(The set is empty except for Heero and the audience)
Heero: And we're back. And we've had our first tragedy of the season. How...tragic.
Audience: *Cheers loudly*
Heero: Yes, I know. *Runs up along the front of the audience and shakes their hands and gives them hi-fives. Screeches to a halt in front of the camera*
Heero: *Backs up from camera* And now we bring out our final—
Audience: Awww!
Heero: *Thinks to self* Am I that great? Nah, must be the audience. *Speaks* Anyway, now we bring out our final guest of the evening—hold up. *Checks watch* Yeah, it's evening. And our guest is...Quatre Winner—Quatre?!
Quatre: *Appears on stage in an extremely tight, extremely short leather red dress and black spike heels with straps* Hiya Heero!
Heero: *Stares. Begins to drool* Amazing...
Male Audience: WHOO-WHOO! *Various calls and whistles*
Quatre: *Winks and blows a kiss to a guy in the audience*
Guy: *Faints. Spasms*
Quatre: *Finally sits down*
Heero: *Cautiously goes to the foot of the stage* Quatre? Is that YOU?!
Quatre: Why of course it is! How've ya been?
Heero: ...fine...until now...So Quatre, mind telling us why you're here and WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WEARING!?
Quatre: You mean WHO Heero dear! It's Gucci, duh! As for why I'm here, I have something to tell my lover Trowa.
Heero: Yeah, I'll bet you do. Sooooo...Quatre. Quatre, Quatre, Quatre. What hast thou done? Um, let's just bring out Trowa.
Trowa: *Comes out on stage and nearly has a heart attack* QUATRE!?
Quatre: *Angrily points to seat beside him* SIT!
Trowa: *Sits down* What the hell!?
Heero: My, my, aren't YOU loquacious. Loquacious....god I love that word. Ahem, but my large vocabulary is not why we're here. Quatre, you wanted to tell us—er Trowa something?
Quatre: Yes. *Sighs and takes Trowa's hand* Trowa...I am a—
Trowa: Hooker?! Whore?! Prostitute?!
Quatre: *Looks up surprised* How did you know.
Trowa: Lucky guess.
Quatre: Oh Trowa I'm so sorry! *Cries into his shoulder*
Heero: And so am I... So Trowa, will you forgive or forget you aficionado?
Trowa & Quatre: ...His what?
Heero: *Sigh* Your lover.
Trowa: Oh...HELL NO! YOU GO BEHIND MY BACK AND SLEEP WITH OTHER MEN—
Quatre: And women—
Trowa: AHH! *Gets ready to pimp slap Trowa. Audience gasps*
Quatre: *Bitch slaps Trowa*
Audience: *Collective 'WHOA!'*
Quatre: Fine, if you don't want me I have a man who does! *Walks off stage haughtily. Audience is torn*
Trowa: *On the ground and looks defeated* ...QUATRE! *Sobs*
Heero: Wow...what a first episode... yeah, so lets take a CB and we'll be right back. *Walks up to Trowa who is still sobbing*
********COMMERCIAL BREAK*************COMMERCIAL BREAK***********
(Heero sits in the audience eating popcorn. Relena and Zechs are on the bottom step of the stage and Relena is glaring at Zechs who looks scared; Quatre—who is with Wufei—and an emotionally wounded Trowa are on the second step; Quatre & Wufei look very happy while Trowa tries to glare at them both while not breaking down at the sight of Quatre)
Heero: *Munch, much* And we're back. And now it's time for the Q&A part of our show. Yes Springer, Kimmel, Carola, I TOO have a Q&A. Okay, so questions?
Random guy: I DO!
Heero: Damn. Wait a second. *Gets up with his large tub o' popcorn and the mic* Here, hold my popcorn and if you eat it I shall kill thee. *Hands popcorn to guy with question* Now what is your question?
RGWQ: This is for the hot blonde guy!
Quatre: *Beams while Wufei and Trowa glare*
RGWQ: Uh...will you go out with me?!
Quatre: Sure! *Winks*
Wufei: QUATRE—
Quatre: Oh can it Wufei!
RGWQ: *Does a happy dance*
Heero: *Snatches back his popcorn* Any more?
Random lady: I have one!
Heero: Damnit all! *Struggles upstairs with popcorn* Hold this and don't you DARE eat it!
RLWQ: To Zechs—
Zechs: Yes?
RLWQ: Uh during the war...when the hell did you find time to get a sex change?!
Zechs: ...Weren't you listening? I've ALWAYS been a woman!
RLWQ: ...Oh...*Gives Heero back his popcorn*
Heero: *Stuffs handful of popcorn in his mouth* Anything else?
Audience: *Silence*
Heero: ya, now I can eat my popcorn in peace. We out. *Ending music plays while Heero eats his popcorn*
(Setting: LARGE studio. The lights in the front are really bright and the ones in the back are dim. Set up like a typical talk show set with Heero sitting at the desk fiddling with his mic)
*Screwed version of the Gundam Wing theme plays*
Heero: *Looks up* Oh, uh are we on? We are? *Stands up and quickly rushes to the front of the audience. Looks normal* Hello and welcome to my show. You heard me Jerry. MY SHOW. And this is the first episode of MY SHOW. And to start us off, we have our guest Relena Peacecraft. Say hi Relena.
Relena: *Come out on stage, sits, and waves happily* Hi Relena!
Heero: *Looks at Relena then camera* Oh come on! Don't tell me you didn't see that coming. Now Relena, do you know why you're here?
Relena: *Sparkly eyed, SD* So you can profess your undying love to me for all to hear?!
Heero: *Slowly* In God's world.
Relena: *Pouts* Then I don't know.
Heero: *Walks up to set* It figures. Well, it's because of one Zechs Marquise other wise known as your brother.
Relena: *Gasp* Oh no! Oh wait...I already knew that.
Heero: *Looks at camera and rolls eyes. Looks back at Relena* Yeah, uh-huh. Well anyway, he has brought you here because *turns to audience smiling from ear to ear?!* *Sing-song voice* He's got a secret!
Relena: Really? What is it?
Heero: *Still smiling?!* *Sing-song* Because if I told you it wouldn't be a secret! *Looks normal again* Besides, I don't know either. That's why we're here. Now bring out Zechs Marquise!
Zechs: *Is escorted out by me and Chibi* Uh h-hi H-Heero. *Sits down 2 chairs from Relena*
Heero: And those are my two bodyguards—like I need them—Chibi and Rizu-chan. Say hi Chibi and Rizu.
BGs: Hi Chibi and Rizu. *Leave*
Heero: *Sweat drop* I'm surrounded by idiots.
Audience: *Boos*
Heero: *Quickly turns around* BUT NOT YOU GUYS! *Audience throw cans and sharp object at him* Ouch! Hey! Watch it! ARGH! *Throws the Dallas cheerleaders' bras at audience*
Audience: *Sit still and marvel at the bras*
Heero: Okay, so Zechs. You're here to tell your sister a secret. What is it?
Zechs: Well, um, Relena...*Fidgets*
Relena: Yes Zechs? What is it?
Zechs: Relena...I am your mother.
Everyone else: *Silence. Crickets chirp*
Heero: ...yeah. Zechs, that's impossible.
Zechs: No seriously! *Takes off clothes to reveal he is a woman* See?
Heero: ...*Rubs temples* My spider-sense is tingling. SECURITY!
BGs: *Run out and restrain Relena just in time but barely*
Relena: YOU &*(&&(q*sa)*)&&*^&^^%%^$@~#@$%^&())(#$%^&-*//*&&*^%*&*MOTHER_**&*&*^^%%^^&^^**&*&*&**&*^&&^%%GOD*))(GERBIL(**()&&(*(MORON! AAAAAAAAAAH!
Zechs: You'd think you'd be glad to see me!
Relena: YOU HID THIS FROM ME ALL THIS TIME?! I F***ING HATE YOU! *Gets free and claws up Zechs' face*
Zechs: AHH! *Tries to block her.
Heero: Yep, that's the spider-sense. Let's take a commercial break while I fix this. *Pulls out large gun and stalks towards the dog-pile*
*******COMMERCIAL********COMMERCIAL************
(The set is empty except for Heero and the audience)
Heero: And we're back. And we've had our first tragedy of the season. How...tragic.
Audience: *Cheers loudly*
Heero: Yes, I know. *Runs up along the front of the audience and shakes their hands and gives them hi-fives. Screeches to a halt in front of the camera*
Heero: *Backs up from camera* And now we bring out our final—
Audience: Awww!
Heero: *Thinks to self* Am I that great? Nah, must be the audience. *Speaks* Anyway, now we bring out our final guest of the evening—hold up. *Checks watch* Yeah, it's evening. And our guest is...Quatre Winner—Quatre?!
Quatre: *Appears on stage in an extremely tight, extremely short leather red dress and black spike heels with straps* Hiya Heero!
Heero: *Stares. Begins to drool* Amazing...
Male Audience: WHOO-WHOO! *Various calls and whistles*
Quatre: *Winks and blows a kiss to a guy in the audience*
Guy: *Faints. Spasms*
Quatre: *Finally sits down*
Heero: *Cautiously goes to the foot of the stage* Quatre? Is that YOU?!
Quatre: Why of course it is! How've ya been?
Heero: ...fine...until now...So Quatre, mind telling us why you're here and WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WEARING!?
Quatre: You mean WHO Heero dear! It's Gucci, duh! As for why I'm here, I have something to tell my lover Trowa.
Heero: Yeah, I'll bet you do. Sooooo...Quatre. Quatre, Quatre, Quatre. What hast thou done? Um, let's just bring out Trowa.
Trowa: *Comes out on stage and nearly has a heart attack* QUATRE!?
Quatre: *Angrily points to seat beside him* SIT!
Trowa: *Sits down* What the hell!?
Heero: My, my, aren't YOU loquacious. Loquacious....god I love that word. Ahem, but my large vocabulary is not why we're here. Quatre, you wanted to tell us—er Trowa something?
Quatre: Yes. *Sighs and takes Trowa's hand* Trowa...I am a—
Trowa: Hooker?! Whore?! Prostitute?!
Quatre: *Looks up surprised* How did you know.
Trowa: Lucky guess.
Quatre: Oh Trowa I'm so sorry! *Cries into his shoulder*
Heero: And so am I... So Trowa, will you forgive or forget you aficionado?
Trowa & Quatre: ...His what?
Heero: *Sigh* Your lover.
Trowa: Oh...HELL NO! YOU GO BEHIND MY BACK AND SLEEP WITH OTHER MEN—
Quatre: And women—
Trowa: AHH! *Gets ready to pimp slap Trowa. Audience gasps*
Quatre: *Bitch slaps Trowa*
Audience: *Collective 'WHOA!'*
Quatre: Fine, if you don't want me I have a man who does! *Walks off stage haughtily. Audience is torn*
Trowa: *On the ground and looks defeated* ...QUATRE! *Sobs*
Heero: Wow...what a first episode... yeah, so lets take a CB and we'll be right back. *Walks up to Trowa who is still sobbing*
********COMMERCIAL BREAK*************COMMERCIAL BREAK***********
(Heero sits in the audience eating popcorn. Relena and Zechs are on the bottom step of the stage and Relena is glaring at Zechs who looks scared; Quatre—who is with Wufei—and an emotionally wounded Trowa are on the second step; Quatre & Wufei look very happy while Trowa tries to glare at them both while not breaking down at the sight of Quatre)
Heero: *Munch, much* And we're back. And now it's time for the Q&A part of our show. Yes Springer, Kimmel, Carola, I TOO have a Q&A. Okay, so questions?
Random guy: I DO!
Heero: Damn. Wait a second. *Gets up with his large tub o' popcorn and the mic* Here, hold my popcorn and if you eat it I shall kill thee. *Hands popcorn to guy with question* Now what is your question?
RGWQ: This is for the hot blonde guy!
Quatre: *Beams while Wufei and Trowa glare*
RGWQ: Uh...will you go out with me?!
Quatre: Sure! *Winks*
Wufei: QUATRE—
Quatre: Oh can it Wufei!
RGWQ: *Does a happy dance*
Heero: *Snatches back his popcorn* Any more?
Random lady: I have one!
Heero: Damnit all! *Struggles upstairs with popcorn* Hold this and don't you DARE eat it!
RLWQ: To Zechs—
Zechs: Yes?
RLWQ: Uh during the war...when the hell did you find time to get a sex change?!
Zechs: ...Weren't you listening? I've ALWAYS been a woman!
RLWQ: ...Oh...*Gives Heero back his popcorn*
Heero: *Stuffs handful of popcorn in his mouth* Anything else?
Audience: *Silence*
Heero: ya, now I can eat my popcorn in peace. We out. *Ending music plays while Heero eats his popcorn*