Why couldn't he stop thinking about him? It bothered him so much. He couldn't stand to be near him, and yet he didn't want to leave his sight. Kurama had suggested he just tell him how he felt, but he figured it would lead to him being hurt more than he wanted to be. He'd been left alone so many times over, he didn't need it again. The loving hate was always near him.
Hiei walked silently nowhere. He didn't care where he ended
up, he just needed to get his thoughts together. He couldn't keep
this up. He knew it wasn't good for him, nor his strength. He
didn't even eat breakfast. His love for someone was trapping him
as a bear trap would a bear. But he wasn't a bear, and his secret
love wasn't a trap either, but his love for him felt consuming
and longing, not wanting to let him go, as would a trap to someone
who it couldn't remove.
It frightened him how he could love someone, want to be with
them, but despise them and can't even take them, all at once.
Quite the situation irony if you asked me. The feeling of being
trapped between this dilema is the worst. You feel as if your
heart and mind are being contradicted and you can't live without
each being in sync. Your mind needs to understand you heart for
you to understand yourself and your feelings. Although this dilema
is the most outrageously difficult of all, you can't help but
feel somewhat in control. The controlled feeling can come from
the idea that you will know when the time is right what you feel
and when to say it, but awaiting that time is what most will find
the dilema to be. Though we know others will arise in the process,
I am merely stating the most simple and major dilemas we can commute
off the back.
Unfortuneatly, Hiei's thoughts wandered furthur than he had
intended. The question now was to either let him figure
it out or out-right say it. Either way, the outcome was what scared
the hell out of him. He could go into a rage and shun him, become
prejudice towards him, or he could embrace him, love him in return.
Either way, Hiei understood it would be difficult to do so, in
any case. For if he was rejected, he would possibly become more
bitter than he had been before, and if he wasn't, he wasn't sure
how to act, respond, or even know how to control that emotion,
if it was new to him. He'd never experienced anything like this
and that is probably what frightened him just as much or more
than the response to the simple question.
Hiei, watching the ground and not his surroundings, found himself
right at the home of the questioning in mind. His true one's home.
He approached the door slowly, catiously, as if it were a beast
to be weary of that if you wake it it will kill. He stared for
a moment at nothing in perticular, wondering whether to knock,
or turn heel like a coward and run. He wasn't a coward, but this
was new and unusual to him.
He gutted it up and slowly raised his hand to knock on the
door. As a reply came, a familar voice that he knew to well, he
began to worry and his hand quivered. The door opened, and he
stood there, somewhat startled by the presence of Hiei standing
there unexpectedly.
"Can we talk?" Hiei asked frightenly. The tall teenager
looked at him oddly for a moment, then let him walk past. Hiei
couldn't help but feel alone in this situation. It was a little
too much to begin with, but he knew he would pull through it,
whether or not heartbroken or happy.
As he walked in, a cat meowed and purred against his true one's
leg.
"Eikichii! Stop that," he bent down and picked up the cat and set him on the couch. He glanced over at Hiei, noticing and most likely wondering why he was here in the first place... Though he hoped it was for what he was wanting, something he was also afraid in the least to ask, admit. Though opposites attract, right? Could it be that one insults because they don't understand how to cope with what is going on with them? Or do they do it because they know what is going on and they try to dismiss the fact, push the questioned in mind out reach and out of their own comfort zone?