Rating: PG-13 for language
Pairing: The only pairing in this fic has the other half dead. Sorry you guys.
Notes: Angst galore.
The DiaryBy: Astral Fou-lu
Part Four: In which Severus Deals With His Sentiments or Love's Underlying Currents"If you add wisteria to a solution of vervain and powdered unicorn horn and heat it just as so, it will turn purple and will be ready for infusion with the mandrake solution, and thus negate the fainting spell side-effect the mandrake solution will otherwise have," Severus droned on as he roamed through every rows, checking the student's work and occasionally sniped at a student for every wrong color in the solution. "Tsk. Miss Patil, you obviously have a strong liking for the color pink, don't you? Pity it doesn't go well with the classroom and the lesson. Two points from Gryffindor."
Parvati turned pink and frantically added a pinch of vervain, and in her nervousness accidentally poured a tablespoonful of the dried herb. The potion was promptly ruined.
"Oh, no!" she cried, tears springing up the corners of her eyes.
"You'll never pass your potions if you continue your dismal performance, Miss Patil," Snape told the piteous girl brusquely. "Your miserable wasting of potent ingredients takes off five points from Gryffindor. Go fetch another two tablespoons each of the ingredients, and this time try not to mess up with doing so, or your house will find yourself with negative points."
Parvati Patil pretended not to hear, and sniffling, went to the cupboards and retrieved the necessary ingredients.
Severus wrapped his arms about him and resumed his checking of every student's cauldron, watching with a hawk's eye for any mishandling and mischief (which was very rare, and only happened in the seventh-year Gryffindor-Slytherin class with the Weasley twins against the Slytherin duelist Zinfandel). His eyes turned to Harry's cauldron, and found that it was satisfactory by far. He was going to turn to Neville Longbottom's cauldron when he noticed Harry's eyes were on him.
He returned the stare, inwardly flinching with the thought of Lily Evans-Potter's eyes throwing daggers at his direction. Realizing that Harry Potter was not one to let himself be beaten in a staring contest, it was he who broke the tension.
"What is wrong with my countenance to which I certainly owe the honor of your impartial stare?" he said, voice cold.
"I was actually waiting for you to find some imaginary wrongs in my potion and quite readying myself for some deduction of points and further detentions," Harry retorted, returning the same tone.
Hemione Granger, a seat apart from Potter, hissed in shock. "Harry! What are you doing?!"
Stunned as the curly haired girl, Snape could not say anything for a few moments. He knows. Damn the werewolf, he knows. Remus Lupin already told him.
"And to which do I owe the honor of causing you to openly insult me?"
"I didn't insult you. I was merely stating a fact." If Harry Potter was trying to imitate Professor Severus Snape's trademark cold tongue-lashing, he didn't have to try hard. "And you did ask." Ron Weasley surreptiously but quite frantically nudged the Potter boy's ribs, Snape noted. But he is not to be daunted.
Hands clenched, Snape said in a very soft voice which betrayed none of the underlying currents beneath his tone, "Ten points for affronting a teacher, Potter. And an unprovoked one, at that." His eyes, if they ever had, lost all its sheen and there remained only unfathomable depths that clued one of what the Potions master must have felt for the moment: emptiness which gave way to pure, quiet rage.
"What you have done to me is worth thousands of unprovoked attacks, sir. You know what I mean." Harry's tone was steely.
Collective gasps from both the Gryffindor and Slytherin tables. Even Draco Malfoy stopped snickering and leaned in intently to absorb the student-teacher clash.
But Snape was not one to reveal his sentiments for the moment. Not even in a fraction of a second. "You just have earned a whole weekend afternoon of detention, Potter."
"All the more better for us to talk!" Harry cried recklessly.
For once a hint of panic flashed through Snape's eyes. "You better not try…"
"Your son deserves better, Professor Snape. Even if your son is me!"
Collective whispering and murmuring could be heard over the silent but strong tension all over the classroom. The acoustics helped in adding to Snape's anxiety. For all the six years in which he had taught the boy, all he got were passing gripes and occasional sniping but this…
This time Snape gaped at him. Merlin…
Harry Potter is furious. And rightly so.
For once Professor Severus Snape felt, even a little, fear against the Boy Who Lived.
Severus banged the door of the Shrieking Shack behind him. "LUPIN!" he bellowed, charging to the sole bedroom where he usually found the werewolf lounging as he waited for him. "Show yourself!"
"And why should I hide from you, Severus?" The werewolf appeared from the shadows, at the far end of the room, like a boggart. "I did agree to meet you here," he remarked drily. The events have evidently stripped Remus Lupin of his tendencies to be gentle around Severus.
"Why did you tell the boy, Lupin?" Severus advanced towards him and grabbed a fistful of Remus' shirt. "It was already buried long ago! It was unnecessary!"
Remus Lupin was not intimidated. Returning a steely gaze to the Potions master's deep eyes he shook off his hand. "Harry deserves to know. Merlin knows he had suffered much."
"Then you imbecile! You're making him suffer more with what you did you fool!"
Severus pushed Remus away, swiping him onto the bed. Lupin landed with a whoomph.
"He's suffering more in the Dursley household! They beat him there!"
"I don't care."
"Damned it that you don't care!" Remus recovered and, standing up, threw himself to Severus and pinned the taller man down to the floor, fist hitting the Professor hard in the chest and Remus was rewarded with hacking from the other man. "I don't know what Lily saw in you. And I don't want to know what James saw in you in the first place!"
Autumn. They were sitting by the tree, James perched on a moderately high branch and him sitting on the roots of the willow.
James grinned down at him. "You're special, don't you know that, Severus? And all this time we thought…"
"You thought, rather," Severus in his Quidditch robes and Slytherin scarf scowled, though he knew that James knew that he was only mocking. "All of you never even tried."
"Yeah. And I'm regretting all the past years that have been wasted on not trying to know you," James sighed, pelting Severus with an armful of dried leaves he grabbed from the nearby branch. "I realized that I love you, Severus Snape."
Severus only snorted as he brushed off dry, beautifully orange leaves. "You can't even explain to me why feel that way, James."
"You can't explain love, Sev."
"And the fact that you have the whole school groveling for your attention…"
Looking up, he saw that James smiled slightly at that. "In the end, Severus, we are all alone."
James, graceful as a cat, leaped down from the branch he was sitting on and landed promptly on Severus' lap.
"Ow!" Severus winced at the sudden weight.
Laughing, James kissed Severus lightly on the cheek, and whispered, "Let me kiss the pain away, Sev. Please let me."
Severus did not fight back.
In the end, they were all alone, but at least, both him and James Potter were alone together.
"He was alone, Lupin." Severus breathed as the memory swiftly left him. "He was alone, and I understood his pain."
"Yeah, right," Lupin snorted, but even he did not look so convinced of himself. He let go of Severus and rolled over, sitting cross-legged on the floor. "Since acting ten years minus our age won't get us anywhere, we could just calm down and you explain how come you love James but made Lily pregnant."
"Why should I."
Lupin breathed deeply, obviously trying to suppress his temper. "Because if you don't, I will bloody well wage a war on you for harming Lily and also for deceiving James that Harry was his son."
Snape wanted to say, Well would it be better if he knew the truth? but decided against it. "Very well then." He sat up as well, tucking his kness beneath him. They both looked for all the world like two schoolboys in a slumber party, only this time with older participants and a much dismal room to slumber in.
Remus waited. "Well?"
"As I have said, Lupin, we were both alone." Severus started. "James only got to know me intimately when he tried to make amends for what Sirius Black had done to me," Snape stared at Lupin pointedly as he said that. Lupin flinched.
"I discovered that despite his popularity, and his friends (you included, Lupin), he was alone. Black was too preoccupied in his own popularity and with women. Pettigrew was only a whimpering idiot who sucked up to stronger people, and James knew that. And you, Lupin,"
"What about me?" Remus asked warily.
"You were too anxious about your lycanthropy to worry about your friend." Snape replied matter-of-factly.
Remus slapped his hand to the floor, hard. "That's unfair, Snape! I was alone as well!"
"That's how James had felt, Remus, and its not for me to rectify. Not that any effort will do good…" Severus trailed off, lost in thought.
"I'm sorry that it has to come to this, Sev," James said. "I can't pretend anymore. I-I really think that this relationship is getting nowhere, Sev. And besides, think of what will happen to us if they found out. Of what will happen to you."
"You don't mean it, James!" Severus angrily retorted. "You just want a way out! Hah! 'Slytherin will make my life hell if they discovered that I was dating a bloody Gryffindor'. What an excuse."
James looked desperate. "But it's true! Malfoy is getting suspicious of us," James looked around the almost-deserted library to make certain that no one would hear their heated conversation. "Sirius is asking a lot of questions, too."
"Who cares about damned Black and Malfoy?" Severus, in anger, broke his quill in his grasp. "You never cared for them before!"
"I-I…" James faltered.
"I'm not blind, James. I know about you and Lily bloody Evans!" Severus snapped. "You think you can just get away with leading me on and leaving me with some doe-eyed chit?"
"Don't talk about Lily like that!" James barked. "She's decent!"
The librarian shot the two a murderous look.
Severus said, in a softer but still harder tone, "And I'm not," he suggested. "Is that what you're saying?"
"You're not stupid enough to think that, Severus," James snapped. "I just don't want to get us into trouble, this is for the best!"
Severus bit his lip. "But you love her, don't you."
James did not answer.
"You love her, don't you? Answer me!" Severus demanded.
"Boys, will you quiet down? Can you continue your love-squabbles in the corridors and not here?!" the librarian shouted sharply.
James paid the librarian one look and turned back to Severus.
"Yes, Severus. I don't want to lie, but I do…"
"It hurt, Lupin. I don't need to say that." Severus said, quietly.
Remus Lupin dared not ask or interrupt him in anyway. But the unspoken question both know to them was Why Lily?
"You want to know why and how Lily got pregnant by me?" Severus laughed mirthlessly and shook his head. "The irony of it was that somehow she was more attracted to me than James. She frequently saw me talking with James, and that's how, I think, she got to know me better."
Severus stopped there.
"That doesn't explain everything, Snape," Lupin said, voice betraying his impatience to know everything. "How did Lily—"
"I thought you were more intelligent than that, Lupin," Snape sneered, but without a grin. "Let me put it delicately: As revenge, I took advantage of Lily's liking of me and led her on. The pseudo-relationship we had had unfortunately borne fruit. Now, are you satisfied?"
Remus thinned his lips. "Lily is not a weapon of revenge, Severus. You just played with her and you know it!"
Snape calmly replied, "Not before James played with me."
"Then why don't you explain that to Harry!" Remus stood up suddenly, towering over Snape's probe, sitting form. "You owe him that much, you're his father!"
Snape bristled, irritated, and stood up. "No, you explain to Harry." He poked a finger on Lupin's chest. "He should not have been involved with this shit until you have inanely told him about this!"
"You're worse than the Dursleys," Remus muttered.
In frustration, Snape covered his face and breathed deeply. "I. Do. Not. Hit. The. Child. LIKE THEY DO! HOW DARE YOU COMPARE ME TO THEM?!"
"BECAUSE YOU HAVE THE POWER TO STOP IT FROM HAPPENING AGAIN! YOU'RE WORSE BY DENYING HIM SHELTER!" Remus roared back, shoving him hard.
Severus pushed the offending hand away. "If you're that caring about the child, why don't you take him home?"
"Because you're his father, Severus. Merlin knows he needs a father." Remus said those words quietly, successfully insinuating it into Snape's train of thought.
Severus laughed scornfully. Me? Father? Do I act like a father to you? Would Harry even accept me as a father?"
Remus Lupin had no answer to that.
A shape had magically appeared a few yards away from them, leaning by the doorframe. Harry Potter had removed his invisibility cloak, tears running through his face.
"You never even tried."
A/N: Whew! That was fast! (Sighs) Holy Week really does give me helluva lot of time to write. Oh well. Harry's detention with Snape will be in the next chapter so…who knows what may come? Read and review as usual, you guys! ^_^