Disclaimer: I own nothing. But this story is mine, and if you want to link to this, e-mail moi first.

Rating: Still PG-13, and mild to moderate Sirius bashing. Sirius fans, I apologize. I like Padfoot too, but he's a cruel tyrant to ever harm Sev in their younger years.

Pairing: Nothing. I was thinking of Severus/Remus, but it doesn't fit at all…I think.

The Diary

By: Astral Fou-lu

Part Six: In Which Sirius and his Emotions Fly or It's Raining Dogs

Darkness…then light. Soft, and serene.

Quiet.

I don't want this to end. Don't let me come back. I've done enough. I can't repay my debts anymore.

Debts. Do I even owe Voldemort anything? No.

Do I owe Dumbledore anything? I can only pay him in full once I'm dead.

I have no reason to live. I have no reason to wake up.

Then he woke up.

Sitting up a little, he absorbed the surroundings: Almost everything in the room was white, down to his hospital gown.

He winced. Hospital gowns were short-sleeved.

He lifted his bare left arm. The Dark Mark was there. Faint, but still there.

His head still buzzed and still disoriented. What happened?

Harry hitting him. Harry, who grabbed at him by the arms and shaking him. Then darkness.

But his wand was on the table when it happened. Severus shook his head.

Wandless magic.

The boy is powerful. If only I could throw him to Voldemort in that state…we could win.

Quickly looking around to see Poppy Pomfrey was around, he found nobody, except for Remus Lupin , who was snoring on a chair at his right side.

He was starting to get up when a disapproving voice said, "Oh no you don't! Not in that state, Severus." Poppy Pomfrey. She approached him, a mug of hot chocolate in her hand.

"I assure you, in no way would I put any of your patients at peril. Even myself," Severus lifted his left arm. "See this? It's going to cost me my life if anyone were to see this."

"No doubt about it, dear," Poppy said, voice soft. She flinched slightly when he showed her the Mark, but quickly regained composure. She had seen the Mark on him ever since his seventh-year and she, somehow, understood his pain, in the small hours in the evening where she had heard him screaming and moaning in his dreams, pleading for someone not to hurt him.

Poppy found out that the dreaming Severus then wasn't pleading to Voldemort.

He was pleading to his father.

"What are you staring at?" Severus asked, his acidic tone snapping Poppy out of it.

"O-oh. Nothing, Severus. Here," Poppy put down the steaming mug at the bedside drawer beside Severus. "Drink up."

Severus started to protest, but Poppy wouldn't hear of it. "No, Severus! I don't think anyone is too…dignified for hot chocolate," she smirked. "Not even you. You were young once too, if you know what I mean," Poppy added, her voice gentle.

"Ah," was all Severus could say in return. He understood.

"It would be best if you leave me now, Poppy," he said, lying down with his back to her. "I need time to think."

"You already lived most of your life thinking ," Poppy said, voice tinged with concern. Then, after she noticed that the Potions master had no inclination to drink the chocolate, she added, "you worry me, child."

"I am nobody's child, Poppy," Severus said, voice thinning. "Not even my mother's. You know that, don't you?" He turned, and saw Poppy's anxiety and concern in her face. "You knew ever since you took care of me."

"I remember, child," Poppy assured him, reaching out a hand to touch his shoulder. "Whatever it is you're doing, Severus, take care."

And with that, she left him.

Severus never felt emptier than he had in years.

"You DON'T UNDERSTAND! I don't want anything from you! I'm just fucked up because nobody wants me to belong to ANYBODY!"

Severus closed his eyes as he remembered Potter's words. Just what I would have said, he thought as he cast a sideways glance towards Harry Potter.

I never belonged to anybody. Not even to Dumbledore. I wasn't Dumbledore's Severus. I'm Dumbledore's stray. The Death Eater. The turncoat.

And Harry? He was the wizarding world's Boy Who Lived.

The Boy Who Lived.

The boy who lived because I wanted to have revenge against James for breaking his promise against me.

Well, he never had a choice.

James. Harry Potter, still sleeping, stirred a little, his soft murmurs of dream-speak breaking the silence a little, along with Lupin's gentle snoring.

Harry had never looked more than James, now devoid of his apprehensive and/or antagonistic expression that he always had around Severus, as he was now sleeping.

And with his eyes closed, Severus never had to see what the boy had inherited from Lily.

For the moment, the boy sleeping a bed across him was James' memory.

James…

Damn you to hell James, Severus cursed silently. You promised not to hurt me. Now look what you did.

I'm the most fucked-up person there ever was now.

So is my son. Like father, like son. Hah.

"DOES THAT GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO MAKE SHIT OUT OF MY LIFE?"

The same words, only slightly changed, but the same sentiments. Severus closed his eyes, trying to shut out the memories.

But he cannot.

"Does that give you the right to fuck up my life?" Severus asked his father, his cheek throbbing after he slapped him.

His father slapped him again, this time drawing blood. "Do you have no manners? Or did I not teach you, no, punish you enough? Answer me!" And this time, she took her whip and lashed out at his son. "Well?"

Severus screamed, but he dared not beg for mercy.

He won't

He is above him.

He is above the pain.

And he will transcend.

Months later he found his father murdered, body mangled, a victim of the rising Lord Voldemort.

He never was his child. He never owned him.

"You DON'T UNDERSTAND! I don't want anything from you! I'm just fucked up because nobody wants me to belong to ANYBODY!" Potter had said last night.

I understand, boy. I understand very well. I lived it, thank you, Severus thought bitterly. He never knew until later that hot moisture had trickled down his pillow.

Why am I crying?

~*~

Harry awoke to the sounds of faint weeping, and snoring. He looked at his left. There was Lupin, sleeping soundly in his chair. Professor Lupin, Harry acknowledged silently, feelings lifting slightly at the sight of his former teacher. You'll always be my professor.

Then the sounds of soft crying aroused his attention. Harry looked at the bed behind Lupin, where a tall figure lay with his back to him, trembling slightly.

Snape. Crying. Like what he did last night.

Then it hit him. What happened last night? What he remembered was that he was hitting him, then Snape suddenly fell down…but not before he was cast under full body-bind.

Suddenly, pain shot up from behind his back. Wincing, he tentatively touched the top of his head and felt bandage around his forehead. Must have fallen while I was petrified. And what happened with Snape?

He was still crying.

Harry's hands clenched. Yeah, right. Did I hurt him that much? He thought angrily, angry because the reason who turned his life upside down was wallowing in his own hurt. As if his hurts justifies mine.

"Can you stop crying?" Harry muttered. No answer came.

"I said," Harry said, voice harder this time, but not loud so that Lupin would not wake. "can you just stop your bloody crying?" Harry's voice was quiet and bitter.

Slight sniffles from the older man and a slight cough. Then he spoke. "What, feeling concern for me all of a sudden?"

Harry laughed bitterly. "You don't HAVE the right to cry! You were the one who gave me LOTS of reason to cry. I'm miserable the day I was born, Snape. And you don't even admit it." He threw a sideways glance to see if Lupin stirred or for any other sings of waking up. None.

"Then so be it!" Severus hissed, never even bothering to turn around and face the boy. He wasn't ready to show his inner hurt. Nobody has the right to.

"That's not enough!" Harry said tersely. "Why can't you even own up to what did me?! Don't you even know how to..."

Then he himself broke down.

"Know how to say bloody sorry? Did James say sorry for what he did to me? Did my father say sorry for throwing me out to live in the streets every summer, because he could not stand to look at me?" Severus snapped. "You think yourself worse than I am, boy? NO. You bloody well aren't."

Harry said nothing, 'occupied' with his own hurts.

"What father in his right mind would give 'Severus' as his child's name?" Severus continued, tone sarcastic and hurtful. "Do you even know what that means?"

Harry snorted despite himself. "So we're both rejects. That's nice. Makes our life better. Bloody better."

"Look at me, Snape," Harry demanded, suddenly.
Snape hesitantly did so. As his eyes met Harry's, only then did he see that Snape was in no better shape than himself.

But Harry did not pay heed. "Now you have every right to step on me. I'm your poor miserable bastard," he said, tone sickly sweet.

Then Snape's face crumpled in visible agony. "STOP IT, POTTER!" he screamed.

Harry was startled. Remus Lupin snapped up and looked at his two wards.

~*~

Four paws had, again, soiled Filch's painstakingly swept floor, but the large dog did not pay any heed. His mind was rather set upon his godson, whose latest letter had alarmed him.

Dear Sirius,

How are you? I hope you and Professor Lupin are fine while reading this. No, there's nothing wrong. I just wanted to drop you a letter, I miss you. Ron misses you too, in fact he was the one who gave me the idea of writing this letter.

Er, actually, Ron has a problem. He wants to ask you if you have any tips on how to attract girls? Don't tell him I told you, but the girl he has in mind is Hermione.

Well?

Love, Harry.

The letter obviously supposed to have ended there but there were some added lines, hastily scribbled,

I just saw Professor Lupin on my way to the Owlery here at Hogwarts. He was talking to Zinfandel Highwind…er no, Slytherin. Do you remember her? She's that seventh year girl who turned out to be the last Slytherin heir (not Voldemort). Anyway they were talking about me why I look like Dad. I don't understand. What can they be talking about? They mentioned things like glamour, and how it is one of the strongest Slytherin magic. But I don't understand! Please tell me what you know.

Response please ASAP!

The letter had troubled him enough to make him go to Hogwarts and check on Harry, and his suspicions were heightened when he was told by Dumbledore that both Harry and Snape were in the infirmary due after what happened in Harry's detention in Snape's dungeon. Dumbledore said it was because of some 'over-zealous discussion,' Sirius recalled, over-zealous discussion my ass.

He was nearing the hospital wing when he heard it.

"STOP IT, POTTER!"

Danger signals rang in his brain and Sirius made away with precautions and turned into back into his human form, sprinting towards the door to the hospital wing. Oh shit, what can be Snape doing to Harry this time…

He threw open the door and he saw Snape sitting up on the bed, poise completely gone, and Harry, in the same state Snape was in.

Lupin was between them, each hand on Harry and Snape's chests, restraining them both.

"Lupin, what is the meaning of this?!" Sirius demanded, hissing. Then he saw Harry's bandaged head. Oh Merlin, he really did hit the boy…

Throwing sensibilities aside, he lunged at Snape and hit him in the gut. Snape hacked.

"Sirius! NO!" Lupin shouted, but he wasn't heard.

All Sirius could think of was getting revenge of what Snape did to him, almost bringing him to the dementors—then now, for what he did to Harry…

"HOW DARE YOU HIT HARRY!" he bellowed, throwing his fists at the frail form of Snape beneath him. Lupin tried to get him off, even grabbed at Sirius' long hair, but he was having none of it. Lupin was easily thrown aside by Sirius' stronger physique.

And Harry only numbly watched as his hated professor, who not only made his life miserable but even stole his parentage to himself, was being maimed and bruised by his godfather.

"ARGH! GET OFF ME BLACK!" Snape flailed, eyes widening with terror.

He felt it happening again. The cuts. The bruises.

It hit him. One by one. Pain renewing after each pain. Every healed scar opening up again.

Physically.

And he thought he had forgotten all about it.

A fist hits his face and he felt his lip break. He could taste blood.

He can't stop it from happening.

He can't.

Remus Lupin found his strength again. Chest heaving, he stood and drew out his wand from his pocket and shouted the banishing spell, pointing his charm towards Black.

"SHIIT!" was Sirius' last cry as he was thrown off Snape, and out the window, where (un)fortunately a replica of the Whomping Willow waited for him three floors down.

He still had presence of mind enough to transform into a dog even as he flew out of the building, and down to the Whomping Willow. As soon as his body landed, painfully, near its wild, flailing branches he soon found himself flying again as one of it branches hit him, throwing him off into the air again, and this time he was aimed into the fringes of the Forbidden Forest.

"DAMN YOU LUPIN!" he screamed into the night, consequences be damned.

Remus heard Sirius' voice curse him from far away. Well, at least he's still alive and well enough to diss me, he thought ruefully. He dusted himself and walked over to Snape, and tried to help him up. "Severus, are you all right?"

"Unhand me Lupin!" Snape growled as he grabbed the other man's hand away.

"You're trembling," Lupin said, noticing Snape shaking and, with his enhanced senses, erratic heartbeat. "Let me get Madame Pomfrey."

"NO!" Snape shouted, then pushed Lupin away and stood up, legs still unsteady. Lupin rushed to support him, but he pushed him aside again. "NO! I can support myself," Snape muttered.

Unstable, he walked out of the hospital wing, in white hospital gown and all.

Presumably back to his dungeons, thought Lupin, who finally decided to let him be.

Then he checked in on Harry. "Are you alright?"

Harry nodded, though he was trembling as well. Shocked.

"It's not Snape's fault that I had this wound…" was all he could say.

He landed on something soft, warm, and whimpering.

It was a girl.

Sirius stirred, and peered at the girl's face. It was the Slytherin girl Zinfandel. Horrified, he shot up (at the expense of his hurting back) and looked at her in disgust. "Get away from me you Slytherin whore! What were you doing out there? Coming from another Dark Revel, I suppose?" he sneered.

Zinfandel tossed her long brown hair aside and coolly leveled her gaze to Sirius'. "Oh. Now I'm a whore." She snorted. "Amendment. The Slytherin heir, and you're the Gryffindor lap dog." With that, she laughed. "Oh yeah, and I'm the latest member of your Order."

"What?!"

Zinfandel picked herself up and, with Sirius' reflexes conveniently disabled by physical pain and surprise from the recent events, she promptly transfigured him into a plush toy dog. "Let's talk to Dumbledore about this," Zinfandel said in a musical voice.

A/N: I'm sorry if I posted this late! That was because I had so much to do…and, oh well…some notes to some beloved reviewers…

Katherine aka Star: Having Harry talk to Lily…hmm…why not…

Rowen Mayfair: I was busy tending to some late academic matters…not to mention ot sapped all the strength outta my system…well, I'm back to full strength now! ^_^

Arabwel: As to where I got Zinfandel Highwind/Slytherin's name, Zinfandel is a type of grape (and wine), and there is a type of wine named 'White Zinfandel'. And for Highwind, yeah, I got that from FF VII. I liked Cid Highwind…^_^

And somethings…

I re-read Evaluation and I was going to intertwine it with this fic, The Diary, when I noticed some loopholes...

1) Okay, Harry and Co. are in sixth-year in Evaluation, and Zinfandel is in seventh year, and it remains the same here in The Diary. But reading Evaluation, Zinfandel was still acting un-queenly and unsure of herself (she was supposed to harden up). The Diary's Zinfandel already acted dignified and even absorbed some of Severus' traits. A change that cannot be possible in the span of a few months...

2) Professor Remus Lupin in Evaluation was teaching in Hogwarts, having been hired again, and as for The Diary he was acting as a spy for Dumbledore, but not as a professor.

I guess I can't turn back now, can I? Oh well. I guess I can't tie the two fics together. But that's okay. I can do some changes…