Disclaimer: Alas, I don't own Sailor Moon.
Dedicated to Purple Rose
Even Angels Can Fall
By: Lirial Raito
Chapter 3: Shines Contemplation
Previously:
The other lights turned dark as well, and Makoto went back to watching Usagi and Seiya
3 Months Later
Broken… her heart had been irreparably broken, torn into shreds by a future, and a destiny, that could never be. She accepted that all things born would eventually die, a truth brought home by Galaxia's attack all those years ago. The shine of stars that could not shine forever, and the shine of those stars that lasted eternally, to be reborn over and over again.
She mourned the loss of her parents shine, dimmed before they were meant to perish. She mourned the loss of her daughters shine, stolen before it could even be born. She could have endured her parent's death, had Mamoru been there to support her, and remind of the wondrous future she was meant to have, and she could have endured the loss of Mamoru had her parents remained to guide her. She endured without the shine of the Starlights adding their warmth to her heart.
How she ached inside, wracked with guilt and pain, sorrow and anger, and fear. In her mind Chibi-Usa could still be born, if Usagi could ever bring herself to have a child. She bore an eternal star seed, and perhaps she had lived before, to be reborn as Usagi's child. Setsuna had never said whether Chibi-Usa lived or not, and for a while, she had only assumed that she must not. But, who was to say? Perhaps… she could still hope.
Hope… a word she had though lost forever from her vocabulary, only to relearned and rekindled by Seiya's presence. Seiya was a salve that healed the pain caused by Mamoru, a guiding light that refused to have any other job or future that didn't include being with Usagi every moment of every day. She wouldn't eat unless Usagi ate, and Usagi couldn't bring herself to cause Seiya any pain. So Usagi ate. Seiya wanted to go outside to walk, and be in the sunlight, so Usagi went. Slowly she regained her strength and her health.
Her hair was no longer dull and limp, but lustrous and thick. Her eyes had lost their dark circles, and for all outward appearances, she was back to being the normal Usagi that her friends knew and loved. Her Senshi healing powers worked marvels once she had ingested enough calories to support them, and even her ginzouishou had regained some of its glitter once she began to have hope again.
She held to her hope that Seiya would be able to stay with her this time, and not leave her alone again. Well… Usagi knew she was never alone, and had to remind herself of it often. She had her Senshi, and she knew they all cared for her deeply… yet it wasn't the same. They all had the dreams that they were following, and Usagi only seemed to get in the way of those dreams.
Dreams… her greatest dream had been to marry Mamoru, and have Chibi-Usa, and to give the world Crystal Tokyo. Those dreams were gone now, weren't they? No more Mamoru, no Chibi-Usa around, and no Crystal Tokyo… she had wanted her parents to see her true destiny, to be proud…
She shook her head to clear away those thoughts, and then opened her eyes to look up at Seiya. She had been using Seiya as a pillow while watching television before drifting away into her sad thoughts. She smiled slightly as Seiya looked down at her, running a hand through Usagi's hair.
"Are you bored, Odango?" Seiya questioned. Usagi shook her head, "no, I'm alright. Just… thinking."
Seiya sighed softly and picked Usagi up, placing her in a sitting position. "If it's about Mamoru-baka, I'll be sad. The bastard deserves to be here where I can kick his ass."
She giggled, a flash of light from behind the clouds. "No, I was thinking about my parents, and Chibi-Usa."
"Ahh… sad about your parents death, and wondering if your daughter will still be born?" she asked, taking a few strands of her black hair and tickling Usagi's nose with them. "I don't think you should worry about Chibi-Usa, Usagi-chan. After all, she took after you, didn't she, and not Mamoru?"
Usagi blinked slowly several times, not really having considered who her daughter had taken after. "What… would that have to do with anything?"
Seiya tapped her lightly on the nose, "Think about it Usagi. Your daughter took after you, not Mamoru. She was more your daughter than his, her spirit was like yours, not his. She was a child of the moon, not of the Earth, ne?"
She stood and smiled reassuringly for Usagi, "think about that while I go heat lunch, ok?"
Usagi nodded closed her eyes, pondering.
= = =
Usagi sat in her window, illuminated by the moonlight. She held her green leather journal lightly, the page opened for a new entry. She hadn't written in it since her parents died, and while she had the urge to write in it now, she couldn't quite bring herself to do so. She closed the diary and set it down in front of her, then turned to look out at the moon. In her mind she traced the patterns of the rabbit, trying to recall more of her life on the moon. She had never quite recovered all of her memories from that time, and she was no longer the princess that Mamoru had loved, even though Serenity showed through from Usagi at times.
She wondered how long she could bear this sadness, this guilt… she should have been able to save her parents, her relationship with Mamoru, and Chibi- Usa. Shouldn't she? She was the Moon Princess reincarnate, wasn't she? Able to use the mystical ginzouishou, the one who defeated every enemy the Senshi had encountered, and the destined leader of Crystal Tokyo.
If only she could have been Serenity in full… then she would have far more grace to accept the things that had happened to her, and be able to deal with them more efficiently. Instead of causing more grief and pain to those she loved by being depressed. She winced at the thought, her compassionate nature reasserting itself. She hated causing others pain, and yet she had done so when she became unable to respond to her friends and brother. They had forgiven her long ago but knowing this didn't lessen her sense of guilt.
:: What can I do to repay them? I haven't forgotten my pain but… maybe with Seiya here, I can at least lead a more normal life. For their sakes… ::
She picked her diary back up and opened it to a blank page.
'Dear Diary,
I miss my parents more than anything, far more than I miss Mamoru. Seiya's been back on Earth for three months and… she has helped to ease the pain in my soul. She still has a lot of money from being an idol, so she doesn't need to work like my other friends do. Since she came to Earth she has stayed by my side constantly.
She had been like a breath of fresh air in my depression, and she shines some light and hope into my dark despair. Even in the midst of my darkest days I drudged by, because I knew I was causing my friends pain by hurting. This is more evident with Seiya… she only eats when I do, and she'll only eat as much as me. She doesn't sleep unless I've already fallen asleep, and she grows pale from being indoors when I refuse to go outside.
So for her sake, I go outside.
My hair has gotten shiny and full again, my eyes are clearer with the dark rings underneath, and my skin looks better from being out in the sun more. My ginzouishou has begun to glitter once more, and grows in brightness a little more each day. I haven't gained much weight, because the crystal draws its powers from my strength, but I no longer look like a skeleton.
My friends rejoice at the changes, and anticipate what more is to come from Seiya being here. I notice their joy more now than ever, for at least Minako and Ami have had their crushes return to them, even though Yaten and Taiki stay females to avoid the craze of their remaining fans.
Mama… Papa… I wish you were here with me. You went away too soon, I still needed you! Shingo needed you… I've been an awful guardian for him, so negligent in my duties. He's taken care of me, instead of my taking care of him. I wish… I wish… I feel as though I were never much more than a trouble to you, though I know better, because I could see how you felt, especially when Chibi-Usa came to live in our times.
I wish… that I could have told you that I was Sailor Moon, so you could be proud of me and know I had good future ahead of me.
Why did destiny have to go so far off track?'
= = = = = = = = = = = =
Seiya stood in the doorway of Usagi's room, watching her write. The moonlight streaming down on Usagi made the young woman seem like an ethereal Queen out of myth and legends. She had so much heart in her still, which was slowly reemerging from the shadows once more, and Seiya couldn't bring herself to believe that the child whose memory Usagi held with such love and sadness could be gone forever. Nor could she believe that Usagi wouldn't be Queen…
Seiya hid her fears deep down, buried beneath her love for Usagi, and refused to burden her angel with the thoughts that remained so persistent. No one but Setsuna knew everything that had to happen to Usagi to turn her into Neo Queen Serenity… so for all they truly knew, perhaps this was necessary as well, and Mamoru would return for Usagi.
She frowned slightly… no, he couldn't come back for her… as long as he was gone, Seiya would have a chance with Usagi, or perhaps better than a chance. She couldn't survive a second time without her Odango.
As she watched Usagi laid her diary down and scooted down off her perch, then flopped onto her bed. Seiya walked over and pulled the covers up over her, tucking her in. Her heart melted more when Usagi smiled at her slightly in thanks. She leaned down and placed a soft kiss on Usagi's forehead, then waited for the blond to fall asleep.
"Sweet dreams, Usagi-chan," she whispered after Usagi had fallen asleep, then slipped quietly out of the room and back downstairs to watch television. She wasn't really that tired…
Shingo slipped in the front door as Seiya sat down on the couch and turned on the television. "Good evening Shingo."
He nodded with a smile before pointing upstairs, "She asleep?"
Seiya flashed a victory sign and grinned, "Yep. Tucked in and asleep… hopefully like a log and not like a baby."
Shingo laughed softly, then sat at the end of the couch.
"I wouldn't say that Usagi has ever slept like a log, but she did use to be a deep sleeper. Getting her up for school was almost impossible, except when her alarm was broken or I set it ahead an hour."
Seiya's grin grew larger, "she may not have appreciated it at the time, but that was very thoughtful of you Shingo."
He shrugged and stared up at the ceiling. "I was at times… but like most little brothers, I antagonized her a lot. More often now than before, I wish I hadn't… I love my sister a lot, and I never realized until she became depressed how many times I came to losing her. She never told me that she was Sailor Moon, even though she knew how much I adored Sailor Moon. She never told anyone."
He shook his head and stood up. "I do remember how you treated Usagi the last time you came to Earth Seiya… I know you wouldn't intentionally hurt her. If you're the path her heart chooses, take good care of her. I won't forgive you if you hurt her."
He glared at Seiya for a moment to emphasize his threat, then smiled slightly and waved as he went upstairs to his room. Seiya watched his retreating back, then stood and headed to her own room, after checking on Usagi once more.
= = =
She awoke deep in the night, a small poem running through her mind. Silently she slipped out of her bed and picked up her diary once more. She took up her red pen and scribbled the words that had awoken her from her dreams.
'A star shower, fills the sky.
Love holds power, tears from an eye.
Power of the wolf, who mates for life.
The moon so full, the moon so bright.
Come back to me, and cease my tears.
Dry my eyes, white fluffy clouds.
Ominous thunder heads, Earth's crying sound.
Long live the dead; lightning, rain, and thunder.
All is done, all is said.
All is quiet, except the voices in my head.
Come back to me, for without love,
We cease to exist.'
Satisfied, she closed the book back, set it down gently, and went back to bed.
= = = = = = = =
Sorry this chapter is shorter than the others, and that it took me longer to post.
The poem is called 'Star Shower' and was written by a poet on www.lovestories.com whose poet nick is Juliet. :P please don't tell her I borrowed it.
*bows humbly*
Dedicated to Purple Rose
Even Angels Can Fall
By: Lirial Raito
Chapter 3: Shines Contemplation
Previously:
The other lights turned dark as well, and Makoto went back to watching Usagi and Seiya
3 Months Later
Broken… her heart had been irreparably broken, torn into shreds by a future, and a destiny, that could never be. She accepted that all things born would eventually die, a truth brought home by Galaxia's attack all those years ago. The shine of stars that could not shine forever, and the shine of those stars that lasted eternally, to be reborn over and over again.
She mourned the loss of her parents shine, dimmed before they were meant to perish. She mourned the loss of her daughters shine, stolen before it could even be born. She could have endured her parent's death, had Mamoru been there to support her, and remind of the wondrous future she was meant to have, and she could have endured the loss of Mamoru had her parents remained to guide her. She endured without the shine of the Starlights adding their warmth to her heart.
How she ached inside, wracked with guilt and pain, sorrow and anger, and fear. In her mind Chibi-Usa could still be born, if Usagi could ever bring herself to have a child. She bore an eternal star seed, and perhaps she had lived before, to be reborn as Usagi's child. Setsuna had never said whether Chibi-Usa lived or not, and for a while, she had only assumed that she must not. But, who was to say? Perhaps… she could still hope.
Hope… a word she had though lost forever from her vocabulary, only to relearned and rekindled by Seiya's presence. Seiya was a salve that healed the pain caused by Mamoru, a guiding light that refused to have any other job or future that didn't include being with Usagi every moment of every day. She wouldn't eat unless Usagi ate, and Usagi couldn't bring herself to cause Seiya any pain. So Usagi ate. Seiya wanted to go outside to walk, and be in the sunlight, so Usagi went. Slowly she regained her strength and her health.
Her hair was no longer dull and limp, but lustrous and thick. Her eyes had lost their dark circles, and for all outward appearances, she was back to being the normal Usagi that her friends knew and loved. Her Senshi healing powers worked marvels once she had ingested enough calories to support them, and even her ginzouishou had regained some of its glitter once she began to have hope again.
She held to her hope that Seiya would be able to stay with her this time, and not leave her alone again. Well… Usagi knew she was never alone, and had to remind herself of it often. She had her Senshi, and she knew they all cared for her deeply… yet it wasn't the same. They all had the dreams that they were following, and Usagi only seemed to get in the way of those dreams.
Dreams… her greatest dream had been to marry Mamoru, and have Chibi-Usa, and to give the world Crystal Tokyo. Those dreams were gone now, weren't they? No more Mamoru, no Chibi-Usa around, and no Crystal Tokyo… she had wanted her parents to see her true destiny, to be proud…
She shook her head to clear away those thoughts, and then opened her eyes to look up at Seiya. She had been using Seiya as a pillow while watching television before drifting away into her sad thoughts. She smiled slightly as Seiya looked down at her, running a hand through Usagi's hair.
"Are you bored, Odango?" Seiya questioned. Usagi shook her head, "no, I'm alright. Just… thinking."
Seiya sighed softly and picked Usagi up, placing her in a sitting position. "If it's about Mamoru-baka, I'll be sad. The bastard deserves to be here where I can kick his ass."
She giggled, a flash of light from behind the clouds. "No, I was thinking about my parents, and Chibi-Usa."
"Ahh… sad about your parents death, and wondering if your daughter will still be born?" she asked, taking a few strands of her black hair and tickling Usagi's nose with them. "I don't think you should worry about Chibi-Usa, Usagi-chan. After all, she took after you, didn't she, and not Mamoru?"
Usagi blinked slowly several times, not really having considered who her daughter had taken after. "What… would that have to do with anything?"
Seiya tapped her lightly on the nose, "Think about it Usagi. Your daughter took after you, not Mamoru. She was more your daughter than his, her spirit was like yours, not his. She was a child of the moon, not of the Earth, ne?"
She stood and smiled reassuringly for Usagi, "think about that while I go heat lunch, ok?"
Usagi nodded closed her eyes, pondering.
= = =
Usagi sat in her window, illuminated by the moonlight. She held her green leather journal lightly, the page opened for a new entry. She hadn't written in it since her parents died, and while she had the urge to write in it now, she couldn't quite bring herself to do so. She closed the diary and set it down in front of her, then turned to look out at the moon. In her mind she traced the patterns of the rabbit, trying to recall more of her life on the moon. She had never quite recovered all of her memories from that time, and she was no longer the princess that Mamoru had loved, even though Serenity showed through from Usagi at times.
She wondered how long she could bear this sadness, this guilt… she should have been able to save her parents, her relationship with Mamoru, and Chibi- Usa. Shouldn't she? She was the Moon Princess reincarnate, wasn't she? Able to use the mystical ginzouishou, the one who defeated every enemy the Senshi had encountered, and the destined leader of Crystal Tokyo.
If only she could have been Serenity in full… then she would have far more grace to accept the things that had happened to her, and be able to deal with them more efficiently. Instead of causing more grief and pain to those she loved by being depressed. She winced at the thought, her compassionate nature reasserting itself. She hated causing others pain, and yet she had done so when she became unable to respond to her friends and brother. They had forgiven her long ago but knowing this didn't lessen her sense of guilt.
:: What can I do to repay them? I haven't forgotten my pain but… maybe with Seiya here, I can at least lead a more normal life. For their sakes… ::
She picked her diary back up and opened it to a blank page.
'Dear Diary,
I miss my parents more than anything, far more than I miss Mamoru. Seiya's been back on Earth for three months and… she has helped to ease the pain in my soul. She still has a lot of money from being an idol, so she doesn't need to work like my other friends do. Since she came to Earth she has stayed by my side constantly.
She had been like a breath of fresh air in my depression, and she shines some light and hope into my dark despair. Even in the midst of my darkest days I drudged by, because I knew I was causing my friends pain by hurting. This is more evident with Seiya… she only eats when I do, and she'll only eat as much as me. She doesn't sleep unless I've already fallen asleep, and she grows pale from being indoors when I refuse to go outside.
So for her sake, I go outside.
My hair has gotten shiny and full again, my eyes are clearer with the dark rings underneath, and my skin looks better from being out in the sun more. My ginzouishou has begun to glitter once more, and grows in brightness a little more each day. I haven't gained much weight, because the crystal draws its powers from my strength, but I no longer look like a skeleton.
My friends rejoice at the changes, and anticipate what more is to come from Seiya being here. I notice their joy more now than ever, for at least Minako and Ami have had their crushes return to them, even though Yaten and Taiki stay females to avoid the craze of their remaining fans.
Mama… Papa… I wish you were here with me. You went away too soon, I still needed you! Shingo needed you… I've been an awful guardian for him, so negligent in my duties. He's taken care of me, instead of my taking care of him. I wish… I wish… I feel as though I were never much more than a trouble to you, though I know better, because I could see how you felt, especially when Chibi-Usa came to live in our times.
I wish… that I could have told you that I was Sailor Moon, so you could be proud of me and know I had good future ahead of me.
Why did destiny have to go so far off track?'
= = = = = = = = = = = =
Seiya stood in the doorway of Usagi's room, watching her write. The moonlight streaming down on Usagi made the young woman seem like an ethereal Queen out of myth and legends. She had so much heart in her still, which was slowly reemerging from the shadows once more, and Seiya couldn't bring herself to believe that the child whose memory Usagi held with such love and sadness could be gone forever. Nor could she believe that Usagi wouldn't be Queen…
Seiya hid her fears deep down, buried beneath her love for Usagi, and refused to burden her angel with the thoughts that remained so persistent. No one but Setsuna knew everything that had to happen to Usagi to turn her into Neo Queen Serenity… so for all they truly knew, perhaps this was necessary as well, and Mamoru would return for Usagi.
She frowned slightly… no, he couldn't come back for her… as long as he was gone, Seiya would have a chance with Usagi, or perhaps better than a chance. She couldn't survive a second time without her Odango.
As she watched Usagi laid her diary down and scooted down off her perch, then flopped onto her bed. Seiya walked over and pulled the covers up over her, tucking her in. Her heart melted more when Usagi smiled at her slightly in thanks. She leaned down and placed a soft kiss on Usagi's forehead, then waited for the blond to fall asleep.
"Sweet dreams, Usagi-chan," she whispered after Usagi had fallen asleep, then slipped quietly out of the room and back downstairs to watch television. She wasn't really that tired…
Shingo slipped in the front door as Seiya sat down on the couch and turned on the television. "Good evening Shingo."
He nodded with a smile before pointing upstairs, "She asleep?"
Seiya flashed a victory sign and grinned, "Yep. Tucked in and asleep… hopefully like a log and not like a baby."
Shingo laughed softly, then sat at the end of the couch.
"I wouldn't say that Usagi has ever slept like a log, but she did use to be a deep sleeper. Getting her up for school was almost impossible, except when her alarm was broken or I set it ahead an hour."
Seiya's grin grew larger, "she may not have appreciated it at the time, but that was very thoughtful of you Shingo."
He shrugged and stared up at the ceiling. "I was at times… but like most little brothers, I antagonized her a lot. More often now than before, I wish I hadn't… I love my sister a lot, and I never realized until she became depressed how many times I came to losing her. She never told me that she was Sailor Moon, even though she knew how much I adored Sailor Moon. She never told anyone."
He shook his head and stood up. "I do remember how you treated Usagi the last time you came to Earth Seiya… I know you wouldn't intentionally hurt her. If you're the path her heart chooses, take good care of her. I won't forgive you if you hurt her."
He glared at Seiya for a moment to emphasize his threat, then smiled slightly and waved as he went upstairs to his room. Seiya watched his retreating back, then stood and headed to her own room, after checking on Usagi once more.
= = =
She awoke deep in the night, a small poem running through her mind. Silently she slipped out of her bed and picked up her diary once more. She took up her red pen and scribbled the words that had awoken her from her dreams.
'A star shower, fills the sky.
Love holds power, tears from an eye.
Power of the wolf, who mates for life.
The moon so full, the moon so bright.
Come back to me, and cease my tears.
Dry my eyes, white fluffy clouds.
Ominous thunder heads, Earth's crying sound.
Long live the dead; lightning, rain, and thunder.
All is done, all is said.
All is quiet, except the voices in my head.
Come back to me, for without love,
We cease to exist.'
Satisfied, she closed the book back, set it down gently, and went back to bed.
= = = = = = = =
Sorry this chapter is shorter than the others, and that it took me longer to post.
The poem is called 'Star Shower' and was written by a poet on www.lovestories.com whose poet nick is Juliet. :P please don't tell her I borrowed it.
*bows humbly*