The Moon
After Touya called his dad I started fixing some food. He hadn't tried to keep up with me again, but he was still eating more than usual, so I fixed a lot. I was keeping myself busy again, trying to figure out exactly what I was going to say and how to start. Worry gnawed at me--until the smell of dinner finally penetrated my senses. I had always thought it was my grandparents who taught me to cook so well, but now I knew that couldn't be. I could still pull up memories of being told that cooking with love made anything delicious. This other me must have come up with that, and anyone who could give me so many happy and loving memories had to be--well--wonderful.
Suddenly it didn't hurt so much that my grandparents weren't real. Their love still was, no matter where it had actually come from. Whoever this Yue was, I knew he had loved deeply and been loved absolutely at some point. There were too many wonderful memories he had created for me for it to be otherwise.
I finally decided how I could start the conversation. Touya was helping me cook, so I just started as soon as I thought of the right words. "To-ya, tell me about Yue."
"I don't know much really," he said with a shrug.
"But, well, that is his name?"
He gave me a curious look. "How did you know if--" He broke off at a loss for words.
"I was talking to Sakura today and she said something, and when she said that name it just somehow felt right." I wasn't ready to tell him the specifics of the conversation yet, but I would. After I got rid of a few of the butterflies in my stomach.
He just nodded. "Yes. That's his name." He gave me a reassuring smile. "What do you want to know, Yuki?"
"Everything," I admitted with a grin. "I'm not even sure what questions to ask. Uh--what does he look like? Does he look like me?"
He gave me a playful chuckle. "No, he doesn't quite look like you, but you've been looking more like him lately."
I hadn't noticed any changes! What was different? How--? "What do you mean," I asked, panic coloring my voice.
His eyes twinkled as he answered. "Lonely. You never looked this lonely before, and that's what he looks like every time I see him."
I gave him a smile for his joke on me, then went serious again. "I'm serious, To-ya. I want to know."
He started out with a kind smile and assured tone, but as he spoke his voice took on a dreamy quality. I had never heard him sound so poetic before. "Yue looks like an angel. He is as cold, distant, lonely, and beautiful as the moon. He has your pale skin, your slight build, but he's so different as well. I can't imagine his face being as open and trusting as yours for one. He looks like he's been hurt, emotionally, and--wait. I shouldn't be talking like that. I'm sure he's listening."
The voice came to me again. Yes, I am listening. I nodded, acknowledging Touya's words, but I didn't want him to stop.
He looked slightly uncomfortable, but went on. "His hair is long and snowy white except in front where it's short. It hangs in his face almost the same way your hair does. His eyes are slitted, like a cat's, and sometimes they're silver and sometimes they're a deep violet or blue, like the craters of the moon. He has huge wings, large enough to wrap himself up in, and they are pure white--"
"That much I know...I've seen feathers around and sometimes I can almost see--" I shook my head. It was giving me shivers to think that this was somehow me he was describing with such awe. "But, you said he is cold and distant?" That part had made me terribly sad.
"Yes. He's very formal and...distant," he finished with a shrug.
"He sounds terribly shy," I mused, thinking of how I could have described Touya with those same words that first day I met him. I had somehow understood that distance in Touya's eyes and knew just how to invite myself in. I let out a shaky sigh as more pieces fell into place in the enigma that was my life.
"Maybe..." Touya mused, and we fell into silence for a while.
"Tell me more?"
"I don't know what to say."
I shot him an exasperated look. "Okay, how long have you known?"
He smiled wistfully. "Since the first time I saw you. I could tell immediately that you were more than just what you showed the world."
"You didn't tell me?" I was hurt, and couldn't explain why. It almost felt like he had been lying to me.
He just took it in stride, calmly explaining. "At first I wasn't sure what to think. I thought you were hiding the truth from me on purpose, so I wanted to let you know you could trust me with your secret. It took me a while to realize that you didn't know either, and then things kept coming up. When it finally became important for me to say something, she kept getting in the way."
It made a strange sort of sense that it was Akizuki-san who had gotten in the way of the truth. I had assumed something else, that he was trying to admit--something else. Maybe she did too? And as far as that "something else", well, I would confront that issue tonight. It didn't matter one way or the other if that was actually what he had been what he wanted to say. What mattered was that it mattered enough to me that I had assumed it, and the matter needed to be dealt with, soon. Tonight.
Not yet though.
After dinner.
"So, what about--everything else?"
He just shrugged. "Sakura has more answers than I do. I've just been standing on the sidelines, hoping she'd trust me with at least part of it. She'll tell me when she's ready, but that doesn't leave me with a lot of answers for you."
"But...what can you tell me?"
"I don't know exactly when everything started. I think it was about the time I was working at the aquarium and all those strange things happened there. I knew for certain that something serious was going on with her the day she was sent home from school for being so sick. I suspected before then, but that night I went upstairs to give Sakura her medicine and she wasn't there. It looked like she was there, but it was the same spirit I was trying to help when I broke my leg.
"So, at that point I knew that she was using a lot of magic suddenly and getting more powerful all the time. A lot of strange things were happening around her, but she was working to stop them somehow. She was able to capture magic spirits and use their powers later to help her. What she was doing was so important to her that even when she was too sick to stand up she felt compelled to save the day from whatever was out there. And it all had something to do with that damned stuffed animal she had started carrying around everywhere about a week before I noticed there was dangerous magic on the loose around town."
"I see. Where do I fit in with all of this?"
Touya didn't answer right away. He moved back and forth, setting the table and setting the food out for us. We were kneeling across from each other at the table before he started talking again. "I had no idea you were mixed in with everything, but it made sense in retrospect. The day of the archery contest, when there was that earthquake--"
"The first time I blacked out," I recalled with a shudder.
He simply nodded and finished the bite of food he had taken. "Yeah, I guess it would have been. I was getting out of work and I--I felt something. There was an intense magic building up around Sakura, and I thought that this time she was in over her head. I rushed to find her, and when I turned the corner I--" He paused for a while, eating while I could tell he tried to put what he had seen into words. "I saw...you were unconscious at first, but there was this glow, and you started floating. Then, there were these wings and you...you became Yue." His eyes had been wider than usual as he tried to describe it, and his voice was hesitant. When he said the name of my other self his expression suddenly became guarded, then he looked up and shrugged.
I shivered, not sure suddenly if I wanted to hear what happened next. I didn't know what to make of Touya's expression. We ate in silence for a while before he started talking again.
"I wanted to run to Sakura's side and protect her, but I was getting used to standing aside and just watching. Kaho was there too, and I knew she would never allow Sakura to get hurt. I didn't understand any of what was happening, but I knew that Kaho was...on the inside. She knew, and she was firmly part of it all, and Sakura accepted that. So I stood aside and just watched.
"It wasn't easy.
"I couldn't hear much of what was being said, but it was some sort of a magical trial. Sakura's friend, that brat, was the first to be tested by Yue. It was--a very serious test of abilities."
I couldn't help myself. "How serious? Was--was he hurt?"
His eyes got soft as he looked at me, and he smiled reassuringly. "Not seriously."
It wasn't very reassuring, but I nodded and accepted it. "Then Sakura was next," I said, frowning. I really didn't like this, thinking about hurting those two at all. Syaoran had been entertaining his own crush on me before, and it was just wrong to hurt them after how kind they had both been. Sakura loved me. Syaoran was always showering me with gifts, though he seemed to have gotten past that finally. At that time though--I heaved a huge sigh and Touya reached across the table to pat my hand.
"Sakura didn't want to fight, and didn't understand why she had to. I could tell, even from a distance, that it was hard for her--and I don't want to tell you the rest. You've got a haunted look on your face."
"No, it's okay," I lied.
"Yuki, you stopped eating five minutes ago and there's still food on your plate. You don't need to hear the rest. Maybe later when this isn't all so new, but not now."
I realized that he was right and shook my head. I took a few deep breaths until I could smile again, then I started eating, slowly. That seemed to placate Touya because he gave my hand a squeeze and smiled.
"The important thing is that Sakura won. I don't know what was at stake, but there was powerful magic that night. Since that night Yue has been on her side, helping her and protecting her, but I can't tell you why or any other details. He's bound to her somehow, but the only reason I know that is because it was her magic that wasn't enough to sustain both of you. I've been trying for a while to get you alone long enough to--to offer to help. To give you my own power."
"Guardian." The word slipped from me without thought. I blushed as he looked at me strangely and I realized I had said it out loud. "I--he said he's her guardian--one of her guardians. That night, when you gave him--us your power. He spoke to me in my mind a little, explained a few things, but not much." I was so confused suddenly. "To-ya, this is so hard to understand. I'm not even sure where I end and he begins, and a week ago I didn't know he existed." I tilted my head up, staring at the ceiling. My emotions were threatening to overwhelm me again, and I didn't want to do that. Not now. Not in front of Touya. It took a few minutes for me to find my smile again, and even so it was only a whisper of my usual cheer.
"I wish I could give you better answers. You deserve them after all. I just don't know any of them."
I found a bit more of my smile and gave it to him. "I know. It's okay. I'm not sure I'm ready for more yet anyway, so don't worry."
He smiled at me then, and I just melted. My smile turned into a silly grin and I felt better than ever. We finished eating in silence while I tried not to think about what I wanted to say to him. I was starting to feel giddy and nervous, but I kept replaying Sakura's words in my mind as she assured me that he must love me at least as much as she does. Then again, she was still a little girl, she couldn't know--she might be mistaking close friendship for love. Or, had I been mistaking love for close friendship the last two years? He said he knew I wasn't human the entire time, so his feelings wouldn't change one way or the other, right?
But, what about what I--what my other self had done to Sakura? I didn't know how bad it had been, but whatever it had been must have been hard for him to watch. Then again, that had been months ago, and he never really acted that differently. Actually, he had been more protective of me since then.
I was about to talk myself out of telling him again when I realized I had run out of food. We cleared the table together, then started doing the dishes. I washed while he rinsed...and I found myself blushing every time we'd run into each other, or my arm would brush against his, or our hands would touch as he grabbed a plate from me.... I giggled. His fingers were covering mine, and long moments passed before he shifted his hand and released me. I smiled up at him, and noticed that he was blushing too. I never realized before that he did that. But...he did. Every time. I wondered how I could have not noticed all this time. We finished the dishes all too soon in my opinion--after I saw him blush it had suddenly become a lot more fun.
"So, after I fell asleep, what did you do today?"
He sounded like he was trying to change the subject, even though we hadn't been talking. I smiled at him, wondering if he was trying to stop his own run-away train of thoughts. "It went pretty much the way you'd expect. It was fun. There were a couple of things though--" I stopped, debating with myself. Should I tell him I'd had another blackout? He'd only worry about it, especially now that he couldn't be there himself. Then again, this wasn't exactly the kind of thing I could hide from him. He was so protective of Sakura, and if he found out I was hiding something that important from him he'd be upset.
Then again, he guessed it without me saying a thing. "Something happened? With Sakura?"
"Yes. And yes. I guess Yue was needed for something. I don't remember anything about it though." I shrugged apologetically.
"Of course. I'm sorry. I--it's just a little strange still to not know when things happen."
"Do you want me to tell you?"
He looked at me, startled. He thought about it, then graced me with one of his earth-shattering smiles. "I might not be able to do anything about it, but I'd still like to know. I'd appreciate it."
"Sure! It's the least I can do." We smiled at each other for a bit, then I worked up the nerve to bring up the rest of what happened. All of it. "That's not all that happened today though. Sakura-chan pulled me aside to tell me that she loves me." My voice was soft and I lowered my eyes, realizing that this was going to be harder to talk about than I thought.
After a long pause I searched Touya's face for a reaction. He had his blank face on and I worried a little. He finally nodded, but kept his face neutral. "What did you say?"
I turned away, unable to face that look. "What could I say? I don't love her that way--she's like a sister to me."
"How did she take it?"
I almost wondered if my life depended on my answer. He was more protective of his sister than anything in the world. "She was smiling, and I tried to be as gentle as I could, but I think it hurt her. Her smile was just, I don't know. She just seemed like she was trying too hard to be happy after that, like she was trying to cheer me up." I hesitated a moment, forcing myself to go on, but my mouth went dry. This was the important part. This was what I had wanted to say for the longest time. Once I started the next part, there was no turning back. "She--she asked me if there was someone I loved instead of her."
He just gave me that Typical Touya look. Still neutral, but more intense. I had all his attention now, but I was suddenly unsure if I wanted it. "And?"
"Yes. I told her yes." He gave me a look of dark confusion as he tried to puzzle out who it could be. I don't know how I got the words out through my constricting throat. "She asked me if it was you."
I couldn't tear my eyes from his dark gaze. The silence went on and on for a maddening amount of time. Finally he spoke again. "And?"
I couldn't breathe. There was no way I'd be able to talk. I simply nodded.
How long did we stand there like that? I have no idea. To me it seemed like forever, but since I didn't pass out from lack of oxygen I knew it couldn't have been too long. He leaned closer and touched my cheek, finally smiling slightly. I was able to breathe again, and I gasped, trembling at his touch. I was lost within his eyes noticing how they dilated slightly as he drew closer. His thumb brushed across my lower lip slightly before his eyes closed. I closed my own eyes in anticipation as my heart hammered in my chest. I was shaking all over as his lips pressed against mine, and I held my breath as I became that moment of intimate contact. It was a dream come true and finally I sighed and melted into his arms as they wrapped around me.
He straightened up and just held me close and I pressed my ear to his chest, entranced by the sound of his pounding heart. I recognized that he was telling me his own feelings without words--like he had been all along. Hadn't I been doing the same though? Trying to get the point across without risking everything with words.
He pulled away a little, just to catch my eyes. "Thank you," he said gently, arms still securely around me. I just smiled and pulled him close again, not wanting to end this moment. His fingers played with my hair and I shivered. I had never realized how intimate a feeling it was to be touched on the nape of the neck, but when he put his hand there I just wanted to moan against him. My own hands were resting comfortably on the small of his back, then with daring I inched one hand lower. I finally slipped my hand in his back pocket and enjoyed the deep breath he took as I gently squeezed. I almost laughed with pure joy, never daring to believe before that this would happen. Then I made up my mind to be even more daring--and Touya yawned. "We need to stop," he finally said as if reading my mind.
I pouted. I couldn't help it.
He laughed, but it was punctuated with another yawn. "First of all, I'm too tired, and I don't want to start anything that can't be finished." He grinned, but his eyes were slipping closed. Had I been that tired all the time? Yes, I had been. It would be a while before Touya had enough strength for much more, and he still had his part time job to return to.
Guiltily, I let go. "What's the second of all," I asked.
He frowned, then sighed. "Second of all, we're not the only two who need to make this decision. Sorry." He pulled away and started heading for the bedroom.
"What?" I couldn't think. Why shouldn't we be the only two? We were the ones who loved each other.
He stopped and turned, giving me a LOOK. Oh. Right. How could I forget? Yue.
My heart constricted. I cursed under my breath. This was a lot more complicated than I thought it would be.