Note: This chapter has two versions. One that is safe for ff.net and stays well within the PG-13 limit--and one that does not. If you would like to read the version of this chapter that contains a lemon scene, please go my site and read there. (This is where I grumble at ff.net for erasing the direct link...that was a tad bit frustrating. I'm sorry for making all the lemon fans go look for it themselves!) Otherwise, feel free to read this version in safety.

Not Human

Night Skies

I didn't see Sakura all week. Touya assured me she wasn't avoiding me, but I still wondered. I didn't get to see him much either. He still took naps at lunch, and he was very busy with work, so we didn't talk nearly as much as I wanted to. It wasn't until Saturday afternoon that Sakura called me to invite me to the festival at Tsukimine shrine. Touya and I had already planned on going--it was an excuse to go somewhere together. We were also going to spend all day Sunday before the festival together. To talk.

Okay, okay, I was hoping there would be more than just talking. I was almost sure there would be cuddling and kissing at least, but that's where I was sure things would stop. The matter of Yue still had to be resolved, and I had no idea how to go about that.

The moon was approaching full that night and I decided it would be a perfect night to moon gaze from my roof. I didn't have any set time that I needed to wake up in the morning, so I could stay out as long as I needed. Before, when I had thought I was alone because my grandparents were on vacation, it was the moon that had comforted me and made me feel...not so lonely. I needed that more than ever right now.

You aren't alone. I'm here. It was that familiar voice again--like mine, but not. Yue.

I wished I could talk to him, see him face to face. There were so many mysteries in my life, and he had the key to them all. He was the biggest of them all. If I could somehow put a face on that I thought it would make it all more manageable.

I wouldn't know how to do that. Not while we're two such separate beings. Though, when you look upon the moon, you see more than you realize.

That didn't make any sense to me...and as soon as I thought that, I could feel the smile of some older and wiser being than me.

We were created with the energy of the moon, that's why you've always felt that pull.

Oh. That did make sense. I laid back and basked in the cold glow of the moon, feeling energized. It was something I had never thought about, but had always felt. Now that particular habit of mine made a lot more sense.

This time though, that energy made me feel light headed and almost drunk. It was just a little bit more than I knew what to deal with, and within me Yue was chuckling.

It's nothing to worry about, I promise. I've done this, felt like this, so many times I can't tell you. It will help Mistress Sakura, and right now that's a good thing.

I wanted to laugh about anyone calling her "Mistress Sakura." She was such a sweet and innocent little girl, and too much like a little sister or true friend to think of like that. I didn't laugh though because even though it seemed a silly concept to me, it must not have been at all to him.

I've actually been trying to be strict with myself, calling her Mistress internally, because it was so hard to accept her in Clow's place.

The tone of his thoughts had turned melancholy. I felt a thrill of emotion at the name Clow, and it was something like when I thought about Touya, only much deeper and sadder. I had to wonder who the person behind the name was.

Our creator. The tone became wistful. And more...much more.

I could tell that. It was a feeling of love. Familiar passion that was so deep it would last for centuries and never die--but--I had a terrible feeling suddenly. Not that the passion had ever died, but our creator had died. Why else would Sakura be the Mistress?

Yes, he died. A long time ago. It still feels like it was yesterday though, and it hurts like I had been the one killed that night. We loved each other very deeply.

I couldn't help myself. I wondered if what I felt for Touya seemed like a silly infatuation to someone who had loved so deeply for so long. It was--embarrassing to know that my most personal thoughts and feelings and insecurities were bared to this other I was just learning about. What did he really think of me and my petty problems?

From within me he laughed. I laughed. We laughed out loud together. I felt waves of love and acceptance that I had always associated with memories of family. My suspicions about Yue's personality being reflected with my memories became justified. Yuki! Your problems are not petty, they keep me sane. Your thoughts and feelings and insecurities are a part of me, so how could I judge you for them? Your love for Touya--

He paused and we both sighed with the weight of his emotions suddenly.

Your love for Touya is true--and it is painful for me. I didn't want to burden you with that though. This is my problem to deal with, not yours.

I shook my head, wondering how someone who shared my life so fully would think that any problem one of us had couldn't be the other's. Even if we tried our hardest from now on to ignore each other, there was still Touya. He would never want any part of me to be so sad, even if it wasn't a part of me that was me.

You're right, my problems are becoming your problems. How do you propose we solve that? I'm lonely, I hurt, and yes, every piece of your soul is a part of mine that I'm becoming more and more aware of every day. I used to be able to let you go, pretend I was dreaming, but now we are too aware of each other.

I really didn't know what to think about that. How exactly would Touya help Yue? I knew he'd be willing. I was sure the power transfer, to Touya, hadn't been just about me, even if the greatest motivation was to save me. Touya would want to help, but how?

Yukito...think about this. I am feeling your feelings for him. When the two of you touch, I wish it was me that his hands were pressed against. Do you want him to heal this loneliness? How would it make you feel to know he was in my arms instead of yours?

I shivered and pulled myself into a ball, overwhelmed by the insecurity that thought inspired in me. It was an instant reaction, fueled by my feelings of not being real. Touya was my anchor in reality, he was the part of my life that made me real instead of--instead of what I really was? What had really hurt was the thought that Touya would love Yue more--no, the thought that he would love someone that wasn't me more. If he stopped loving me, I wouldn't have any reason left to exist really. I might as well be just a mask at that point. Maybe it wouldn't be that drastic, but I certainly wouldn't enjoy life nearly as much. I realized that I wasn't thinking about it clearly though.

You'd feel like he was cheating if he was with me.

Yes. And no. I needed to think about that more. Was there another way to help Yue? He was silent while I thought this over. It wouldn't exactly be easy for him to meet others to fall in love with...and even if he loved another it was still my body too. I thought this part over for a long time. If he found someone among the few people who knew about him, there was still me. I wasn't sure if his feelings would bleed through, but mine for Touya had--it was possible. I would feel disloyal though. At best it would be unsettling.

Like I would feel disloyal to Clow if you--

This was not good. It seemed like there were no answers suddenly. Then I thought again of Touya and Yue. Together. It was easier to think of than...anyone else.

No...that wasn't the point! I--I'm just so scared. I don't want to hurt you, I don't want to tell you to stay away from Touya, I don't want you to feel you can't trust him, or me. I'm just so tired of hurting all the time. I just feel so lost, Yuki. I never felt this way when Clow was alive, and now he's not and I'm so scared to get close to anyone, and Touya reminds me of that....

We'd figure something out. Somehow. I really just didn't want to be left out. I didn't want to miss a moment with Touya. I knew that it wasn't so much that I didn't want to share Touya as I didn't want him to love someone else more than me. I didn't want to lose him.

Yue was quiet for a long time after that. I just spread out on the roof and took in the beauty of the moon and the night sky. As always, my thoughts turned to Touya. I had a one track mind if I let it idle, and I just wished he could be here, next to me. I let my mind drift to what I wanted to do, how I would be if he sat down next to me. I couldn't help it. I didn't do it for any other reason than it was a fantasy I had fallen back on many times to distract me from anything unpleasant.

Then I felt a shift within my mind and remembered I was not alone. How could I have forgotten, even for just a few moments? It was...it was automatic for me. And yet, I wondered how I could be so cruel.

No, don't be like that. Please. We need to feel more comfortable with each other, not less.

But, I didn't want to hurt my other self.

I don't want to hurt you either. Neither of us want to be left out--over time we won't have to be.

What?

Now that you are aware of me, now that we're talking and sharing, we will gradually merge I'm sure. Don't be scared...please...don't be afraid of--of me.

But, I was afraid. He was afraid too. It was a big change to go through.

We'll take it as slow as you need.

I think I understood better why he had asked me the questions he did and wanted me to think about certain things. Not to hurt me. To understand me better--and to help me understand myself. If he and I were to become closer and closer--eventually merge--we would both have to come to terms with our insecurities and not be too ashamed to share them with each other.

If we don't, it will be painful and difficult.

I just smiled. Eventually I'd have the answers. Eventually I wouldn't feel so incomplete. Eventually I wouldn't have to fear that others liked me for something I wasn't. I wouldn't be a mask, I'd be completely real.

And in the mean time I had another friend who would never leave me.

Friend? He sounded stunned and surprised. I couldn't help but laugh.

Of course!

~~~~~@~~~~~

Touya didn't arrive until lunch time the next day. He had planned on coming over in the morning, but he said he had slept later than he had expected. Still, he didn't look as tired as usual.

I welcomed him in with a warm hug, ushering him in quickly toward the table. "You're just in time! I just finished cooking."

He laughed. "You never change."

I just smiled, not wanting to talk about the impending change that stared me in the face. He'd realize it soon enough. I just wanted to eat. We talked a lot about nothing much over lunch, cleaned up quickly, then went to the living room, facing each other with our backs resting against each end of the couch. We mirrored each other, pulling our legs up and resting our arms and heads on our knees. I reached a hand out to him, and he took my hand in his, lacing his fingers between my own. His dark skin was a delicious contrast against mine, and I felt at peace with even just this contact.

"So, where do we go from here?" I smiled at him, squeezing his hand a little.

His dark eyes peered into mine, searching for something I didn't know how to help him find. I just kept smiling, deciding to enjoy the time I had with him, even if he wasn't answering my question. He finally sighed, shaking his head. "I don't know. Shouldn't I be the one asking you that question?"

That inspired me to try my hand at an evil grin. "Well, if it's up to me, I have a few ideas--"

Touya looked shocked. I just laughed. He sighed and looked away, thoughtful. "I had hoped you would talk to Yue somehow. I don't know how this works though. Can you--?"

"Yes, he and I can talk to each other. I'm not sure what you've wanted me to talk to him about. Maybe you should talk to him yourself, ask him the questions you need." I frowned a little. This wasn't what I had imagined doing with our day.

"That's not what I meant. I just wanted to know a few things. Get things straightened out."

"Touya, I don't want to be spoken through. Please." Before anything else could be said I felt reality fading from me. Touya's face looked frustrated, but I wasn't really controlling the change. I was just going along with it.

...

When I woke up I was standing, looking out at the privacy of my back yard. The bamboo grew very tall at the fence, keeping everything that occurred there out of prying eyes. The sun was lower in the sky, telling me that there had been a lot more talking than I had expected. There was a wash of dizziness and disorientation, so I leaned against the door frame that was conveniently close.

"Are you okay?" Touya was slightly behind me, off to the side. He looked thoughtful and concerned.

"A little confused," I admitted. Then I smiled. "I am okay though, so don't worry."

He came closer and wrapped his arms around me and I wanted to melt. My smile became softer, wistful, and I reached around to hold him too, listening to his heart thump in his chest. "Before we talk, try to figure things out, do anything else at all, I just want to hold you and tell you one thing. I love you."

I looked up into his eyes, seeing them pure and honest and not guarded for a change. The eyes expressed the love he felt for me better than his words had. I smiled, thrilled to finally hear those words from him. "I love you too, Touya." Another perfect moment. Yet, I knew it would be over too soon. There was a lot to talk about. My smiled shifted into a gentle grin. "Now, what do we need to talk about?"

He propped himself up against the outside wall, so I stood in front of him, waiting. "I still don't know where to begin."

Is it redundant yet to say I smiled? I know, I do that a lot. Still, this smile was to encourage him to go on. It didn't work, so I asked, "What about telling me what the two of you talked about for so long?"

"What about I just hold you some more?"

"To-ya, I--"

He crushed the air out of my lungs, holding me so tight and so close it was almost scary. He said, in a voice choked with emotion, "When I said I loved you, I meant every bit of you. Everything about you. Is that okay?"

I smiled into his chest, knowing what he meant. Before last night those words might have scared me, but now they were of great comfort. "Yes To-ya, it's perfectly fine with me."

~~~~~@~~~~~

We went to the festival, and Sakura was as good as her word. She was happy, accepting, and made sure that everyone but Touya had fun. Even--even when the power went out, she used her magic to illuminate everything. I don't know how, I don't need to know how, but it was just like her to make sure everyone had as much fun as they could, no matter what. I remembered something from another festival though, summer, when Sakura and I had wandered into the trees and found the same strange glow in the air. That must have been where she found that magic. It had been another of those eternal moments that I wished had never ended.

I suppose I have a lot of those.

Things became busy again for Touya. We talked though, growing closer and closer, on the verge of taking another step closer. It just wasn't quite time yet. I don't know how we kept our hands off of each other, I really don't, but we each waited for a time that seemed right. That time was not now.

When the snow began to fall my thoughts turned melancholy, recalling things in the distant past that had nothing to do with anything that had really happened. I knew somehow that I was trying to associate the snow fall with an important memory that just wouldn't come. No, not my birthday...though that was a recurring theme. The sparkling, glowing stuff that had fallen the night Sakura had given me that adorable doll for my birthday--it hadn't been snow, but I had no idea what it could have been. My mind kept coming back to that though. There was a clue there--an association that I just wasn't making.

Then, I remembered a man with long black hair, glasses, pale skin, and a smiling face. I worshipped him, I loved him, I adored him. He sat in a red chair that looked so comfortable I wanted to sit there with him, damn the fact that there was no room. But, this memory was sad. This man, the love of my entire existence, was saying something about dying. I wanted to laugh, I wanted to scream, I wanted to kill, I wanted to die, and I wanted to weep in his arms. I couldn't do any of those things.

It was Clow Reed. This wasn't my memory to have. I jolted myself out of it with a shock, realizing that it had been snowing that night, just like now. The night Clow Reed died.

I'm sorry, Yuki. I didn't mean to share that with you. It was too painful, too personal. I shouldn't have burdened you with my grief.

I sighed heavily. We had been through this before. Well, not the painfully intrusive memory part--that was new. But, we couldn't be so scared of sharing things. Any problem one of us had had an effect on the other. We needed to share things as they came up.

Yes. And no. It was a poor introduction to a wonderful man. It was a poor glimpse of my life. It doesn't do either of us justice.

But I thought it did. What kind of man was Clow Reed that even when facing death he could smile and try to reassure those he loved around him? What kind of being was Yue that he could love so deeply and be so loyal? It was almost frightening how intense the image was, but at the same time it was a key to much more. More that I would find out later on, but not tonight.

Go to bed, Yuki. Tomorrow will be another day, and I have a feeling that the end is approaching. We need rest.

And so I slept.

~~~~~@~~~~~

I was enraged. No he was enraged. I had never felt anything like it, but it was pure anger and it didn't allow for anything else. What happened? The last thing I remembered was standing next to Touya and feeling that Sakura needed me and we ran--I had a vague recollection of Touya falling asleep and.... Which ones were my memories? I had picked up Touya in my arms with love and concern, but that wasn't me. It was a jumble. What was going on?

He's alive! Clow is alive! I thought I was insane to have been feeling his presence, but he's alive, and he left me--

I felt to my knees, sobbing his tears. There was nothing else I could do. I vividly recalled the words Yue had said that night on the roof, how when Clow died it felt like he had died. Yue had loved so deeply. How could Clow be alive and abandon that love? How could he be back and not--just--how could he?

I cried alone in my home until I was numb. It took a long time because every time I thought I was cried out, Yue would remember and remember and remember...it was a vicious circle of pain that took a long time to play out. Finally, finally, I could cry no more. And I looked up at my door to see Touya's silhouette standing there.

"I'm sorry, Touya. Now is not a good time." I was feeling too sick to think straight. My voice didn't even sound like my own, and I didn't want to face him with this. It was too much to contain.

And yet, when he turned to leave, I stood quickly and pulled him in to me. "Wait! Please! Don't leave me." I was so terrified of being left. I didn't want to be abandoned. I needed him to stay with me.

"Hush, Yuki, I won't leave you." Then he guided me inside and took me carefully to my room. I clung to him tightly, loathe to stop touching him for even a moment. I was trembling, unable to control my emotions or hide them behind my usual smile. I was raw. I didn't even feel like me entirely, since all of these emotions were coming out in waves from Yue. He couldn't control them any more than I could though. There was too much, and the depth of the pain was too great.

It was with desperate need that I pulled Touya in to that kiss. His eyes were wide with shock at the intensity of it, but his eyes slowly shut and I allowed my own to close, letting touch reassure me. I moaned into his mouth, hands busy unbuttoning his shirt. I trembled so bad that it took forever to do. I had unbuttoned my own shirts so many times it should have been easy! I tugged his shirt impatiently, wondering if having it free of his pants would make the buttons behave better.

Touya grabbed me by the shoulders, gently but firmly pulling me away. "Yuki? Now? I mean, are you sure?"

I almost growled with impatience. "To-ya! I. Need. You. Right. Now!"

He gave up the pretense of being noble.

~~~~~tbc~~~~~