Beautiful Dreamer
Was it wrong for me to be so happy and still feel this terrible? My love had become my lover. He had comforted me in my need. For that alone I wanted to dance with joy and sing out loud about how wonderful the world could really be. But--nothing had been resolved. Clow was reborn. Why was I here?
Selfishly I was thankful for Clow rejecting Yue. If he hadn't, I wouldn't be here. At all. I wouldn't have found Touya, or Sakura and her friends. I wouldn't exist at all, and existing was precious to me. There had been too many good things in this life, short though it really was, for me to want to regret living it.
Still, on that fundamental plane of being who I am deep within, I felt rejected. How could anyone cast Yue (me) aside for any reason? What was wrong with Yue (me)? I tried not to take it personally, but I couldn't stop.
So Touya walked me home from school, kissed me with a promise of many more delights to come, and I walked inside and allowed myself to disappear.
....
I wasn't too surprised to find myself standing outside of Akizuki-san's house. She hadn't been in school, and something told me that she had something to do with, well, everything. I had no idea what, but bits and pieces were adding up in my mind and I somehow knew that she was involved with all the magic.
She's Eriol's moon guardian. Ruby Moon. Nakuru Akizuki is the false form, just like you.
I blinked in surprise. There was someone in this world like me? And it was that annoying b--person? The "glomp" queen herself? That boyfriend stealing...wait, not then...best friend stealing--
Not exactly like you. She seems to be one with her false form from what little I've observed.
That didn't make me feel any better.
I sighed and started walking home, feeling the cold air bite my cheeks and watching the occasional winter breeze kick up dead leaves or the rare paper. When I really thought about it, I almost felt bad for harboring ill will toward Nakuru. She had backed off after Touya stood up to her, and it had been announced in class today that she was returning to England. That meant everything was over, and my only link to someone who might understand me was leaving soon.
Yuki, I think--never mind. Sometimes you're too sweet and forgiving for your own good.
I smiled, maybe a little sadly. Perhaps I was too kind sometimes. But, the only person who had really taken advantage of that at all was Nakuru. I suddenly wanted to know why. I almost turned around and walked back to ask there and then.
Oh, for the--write her a letter. I don't want to deal with her right now. Any of them.
He was obviously still feeling conflicted. More things had been discovered there than the truth about Nakuru. I remembered that Hiiragizawa Eriol also lived there, and that meant--
Eriol-san is the reincarnation of Clow. He--we talked. A little. He had guests, and I didn't feel like staying.
I suddenly felt a wash of memory come over me. I stood in front of a window in a shadowy hallway. Eriol stepped out into the hallway a moment later, turning the other direction and pausing after he closed the door. He knew I was there and greeted me without looking. My knees went weak because he was so much like Clow Reed and I wondered if that would always be a weakness for me.
I needed to know, I asked, why he had rejected me if he knew he would return. I was asking Clow these things. I couldn't get past this, that he was my old Master. Why didn't he want me any more? I was thankful for the things I had now, the friends I had made, the love I had found, but why had Keroberus and I been rejected?
He answered gently, carefully, and almost reverently. He had Clow's memories. Clow's power. But he was still Eriol. He was thankful to be able to meet the people he had remembered so fondly and those he had seen in visions, but he wasn't that man any more. He finally said that if I wanted to visit with him to talk about Clow with him, I would be welcome.
That was all.
I blinked, returning to the present with a jolt. So, it hadn't exactly been a rejection.
Yes, and no. I'm not sure what to think about it really. I have loved seeing the world through your eyes. I have loved being accepted by everyone. It has helped that I could love again.
Yue was still sad though. I could almost feel it, and he couldn't hide it in his mental "voice". I just didn't know what to do about it.
That makes two of us.
Why did that phrase, applied to me, make me want to laugh?
Time passed. Touya and I started spending more and more of that time together. I was sure that his dad knew about us, but my love looked scandalized every time I tried to talk about it. I was equally sure that his dad was fine with it, so I didn't push the issue. Kinomoto-sensei and I began exchanging amused looks whenever Touya "remembered" himself and looked in the slightest uncomfortable with a display of affection he had shown me.
One early evening I was spending over there, Sakura surprised me by asking if I had any plans that night. Tomoyo was there, and she looked pensive and hesitant, but hopeful. Very hopeful.
"What's this about, Sakura-chan?"
"Well, it's nothing important if you have plans tonight, really." Sakura was blushing a lot as she asked, and Touya was looking at her with obvious confusion as he got ready for a late night job at a movie theater. He usually didn't work so late, but there was no school right now, and money was money....
"No," I admitted. "I don't have any plans for tonight."
"Um, well, Tomoyo-chan has been making me some costumes, and things have been so quiet, and she wants to be able to film more things, and we were wondering if maybe, tonight, if maybe Yue would--"
What???
I laughed. "It can't hurt to ask, since I really don't have anything better to do."
Traitor.
Touya choked on his tea. He quickly excused himself, but not before I caught the expression on his face. His surprised amusement didn't escape Yue either.
I'd like to see how he would react if those two wanted to film him like this.
I turned to Sakura with a small, sad smile. This was a good idea, something I thought would be fun for Yue, but if he didn't agree-- "He seems to have reservations about it."
Sakura looked crestfallen. "Oh, I can understand. It was a silly idea anyway and--"
I didn't hear the rest of what she was saying.
Wait, that's not what I meant!
I felt that familiar sensation of falling away from the world, but this time the world didn't just stop. I was still there, though it felt like I was viewing everything from behind glass or underwater. I was seeing the world through Yue's eyes, but I could only observe. I looked on in awe.
"I never said I had reservations. Yukito misunderstood my discomfort."
He sounded so much more formal when he wasn't talking to me. I was a little stunned by that, but I understood it as soon as I wondered about it. The formality was another defense, and that was something he just didn't need with me, or want with me.
"But--why were you uncomfortable? I didn't want you to feel like you have to do anything, I just thought it would be fun...."
I could feel the small smile he gave her as he bent down to her level. "Why don't you tell me exactly what you had in mind? I can't say yes or no until I know what you want, right?"
She started to smile a little, seeing hope. "Tomoyo-chan has been wanting to film more battle scenes, and she has a lot of costumes she still wants to film. I was thinking that if I used the Create, we could fight some monsters." She ended with a cute little shrug.
Yue remained outwardly formal, but he was delighted and amused where only I could see. "It sounds like a good idea. It could be invaluable practice, and keep us all in top shape. You and I may not need it so much, but Keroberus sure does." He whispered the last part so only she could hear.
I laughed.
Sakura's eyes went wide with surprise. "Y-yue?" He raised a finger to his lips for secrecy. She suddenly wrapped her arms around him in a huge hug, startling us both. "Thank you!"
She dashed upstairs quickly, shouting something about getting ready. Yue straightened up gracefully, folding his arms across his chest. It seemed a natural pose for him, with those arms almost shielding his inner self from the world. When Tomoyo walked over, his defenses were back up and his face had assumed what felt like a comfortable neutrality from within.
"Thank you very much, Yue-san." She bowed a little, smiling.
Yue simply nodded, not saying a word.
Touya chuckled. "You don't know what you've gotten yourself into. Those two will have you out there all the time now, begging you to do cute poses for the camera."
Tomoyo looked faintly hurt, but when she looked closely at Touya she could somehow see that he was just teasing, testing the water a bit to see if Tomoyo would play along. With a twinkle in her eye she proved that she could play along wonderfully. "Touya-kun, if you aren't careful I won't give you a copy of my footage--of only Yue-san."
Yue blanched. Touya choked. Tomoyo giggled, then ran upstairs to help Sakura. Yue hastily returned the body to me and I couldn't stop myself from giggling.
"You heard," Touya said, accusingly.
"Every word," I admitted in a teasing tone. "It was the first time. Very strange. I could get used to that I think."
Touya just looked at the time and swore softly under his breath. "I need to get going. Dad won't be home until after Sakura's bed time, and she knows it. Please don't keep her out too late, okay?"
We kissed briefly, then he was running out the door. I thought I heard a dreamy, little girl sigh from the stairs, but was relieved to not see anyone. Still, I could feel myself blushing.
"To-ya?"
"Hmmm?"
We were sitting under a tree in the park. Summer was coming to a pleasant end, though it was still hot enough that I didn't want to move from the cool shade. He was reading with his head resting in my lap. I was running my fingers through his hair and just staring off into space, thinking.
"There are still so many things I need to know. About me. About what happened."
"So ask."
I nodded. "I've been thinking about writing to Akizuki-san."
What???
"What??? Why?"
I shrugged. "To ask her questions."
"I didn't mean you should ask her. Ask Sakura!"
"I think there are things that even she doesn't know about in this case. Besides, Akizuki-san is the only person in the world who is like me."
"She's NOT like you."
"You didn't sense it?"
"Oh, I sensed her magic alright. I'm just saying she's nothing like you."
He's right. Ruby Moon is nothing like either of us.
"How do I really know unless I ask? Maybe there were things we weren't aware of at the time. I want to know."
He shrugged, turning back to his book. "Maybe they'll come back and you can ask then."
"No, their house was demolished. Remember?"
"So. What are you going to do?"
"Ask Sakura for Hiiragizawa-san's address in England. I'll write a letter. It can't hurt."
"You say that. You weren't the one getting squeezed to death every day. You magical creatures are strong! Well, good luck. Tell her I said hello I guess."
I chuckled, bending down to kiss him on the tip of his nose. He playfully batted me away with his book, complaining about rude magical boyfriends and how they didn't know when not to interrupt quiet reading time. Eventually, after I stole a proper kiss from him, I began thinking earnestly about what I would write in that letter.
Akizuki-san,
I've been wanting to know one thing since I found out who you are, that you're like me. Why? Why all of it?
Touya says I'm insane for writing you, but he says hi and he hopes you are doing well. Everyone at school misses you; things have been very quiet without you around. I was hoping I could find a good excuse to write you other than to ask about what happened, but nothing has come up. Things are very boring around here lately.
Tsukishiro Yukito