Connections
I held the envelope in my hands, a little bit shocked. She actually wrote back. The envelope was a soft pink with brighter pink flowers. When I opened the envelope I was not surprised to see that the letter matched. She had even written in purple. I sighed. That much was cheerful enough, but I hesitated a moment to wonder if the letter itself would be the same.
Yukito-kun,
Well, you are the last person I expected to get a letter from! And honestly, I have no idea how to answer you. I mean, "Why everything" covers a lot of ground, don't you think? The part about the two of us being the same...not exactly. You still think you're human, don't you? You still think of yourself as two people, don't you? And yet...I'm the closest you'll ever find, aren't I?
I have some answers, but which ones do you want? I even asked Eriol if he would help me write this, if he would help me give you answers. He told me to tell you to remind Yue that you are welcome here to visit or reminisce any time you're free. I think that might be a good idea if you really want to ask me questions since I have no idea what to say in a letter.
Bring Touya if you visit. I want to see for myself if he said hi, or if you were just being polite. Don't worry, I'm laughing about that since you can't tell just by my writing. And if you visit I swear I'll be polite and won't glomp your boyfriend. I might pout a lot though. Joking.
Of course everyone misses me! Life is much more interesting when I'm around!
Nakuru
I carefully folded the letter up again and slipped it back in the envelope. Visit? Did I want those answers that bad?
I would like to visit.
That was a surprise. I couldn't help but wonder why--but no answer was forthcoming. I simply handed the letter to Touya with a sigh.
He groaned. "We have a vacation coming up. I was planning on working the whole time, but I think I have enough saved--"
"What? No, I wouldn't ask that of you. You need that money for school next semester. You'll be stuck living at home another year, and I know how much you were looking forward to finally moving out."
"You want to go don't you?"
"Yue does. I think I have more mixed feelings about it."
"Then I want to be there with you. For moral support, if you need it." He smiled gently, but I could see the determination behind his eyes. If I was going, he would be by my side.
I nodded, twining his fingers through my own and pulling his palm against mine. It was comforting. Then I realized that I was so concerned about Touya's finances, but I had almost dismissed my own again. I never worried about money, everything just seemed to be taken care of. But...how could I afford to fly all the way to England just to ask Nakuru some questions? I didn't even know where the money was coming from, so how could I make plans to visit?
Then my worries melted away. I had a stunning idea. "Touya, you'll spend all the money you've been saving for an apartment on plane tickets, and not have a job over vacation to earn any more. So, I was wondering...."
His eyes searched mine deeply and I squirmed a little as I held his eyes. I had no idea how he'd really react to this one. "What were you wondering, Yuki?"
I chewed my lower lip for a moment, then decided to just smile and say it. What was the worst that could happen? "Would you move in with me?" The words came out in a rush, and it was a relief to finally get them out. I had thought about asking him so many times before, but had never been able to get the words out or find the right time to say them.
He blinked in surprise a few times, looking at me with total shock. Then he smiled slowly. "You want me to? I mean, of course, why else would you ask, but...really?"
"Of course! I get so lonely at home alone, and you wouldn't have to save up extra money and you'd still be able to go on vacation with me and it is the perfect solution!"
His expression softened slightly. "Oh, is that why you asked?"
"Well," I admitted, "I've been wanting to ask for a while, but I couldn't find a good excuse."
He grinned then and hooked an arm around my shoulders. He held me for a moment like that and I was just content to be held. Then he just--paused. "This means we should tell my dad."
When I looked back into his eyes his face had darkened. "To-ya. I think he already knows." I tried to say it both gently and teasingly, but I have no idea how it actually came across. There was no telling how he'd take it.
He held his breath a moment then let it out explosively. "I don't know, you're probably right. I don't want to assume anything, and I have no idea how he'll react if I just tell him. And then we have to tell Sakura--"
I laughed. "To-ya, you worry too much. I know she knows about us already."
"Yeah, but I never told her, and I haven't talked to her about it. It's one thing for us to be a couple like this, but it means a lot more to be living together. I want to do this right."
"The first thing to do this right is to stop worrying about it so much. Okay?"
"I'll try."
I looked into his eyes, knowing that he'd stress over it unless something was set in stone. "I'm worried a little about facing Akizuki-san again, especially with you along. I know it's silly, but let's get the visit behind us first, and then we'll talk to your dad and Sakura-chan."
"You know, you don't have to worry about anything between her and me." He held me again, a bit possessively this time.
"I know that here," I said, tapping a finger to my temple. Then I moved my hand over my heart and tapped again. "This will take a little more time to realize it."
"I don't plan on giving you any reasons to doubt. We'll get that behind us, and then we'll have a family meeting to get my own demons behind us." He smiled, showing that he understood why I had brought up my own insecurities. On some level we both knew it was silly to worry, but the worry was still there. And now we both knew that each of us could understand that.
Wait--he said family meeting? I had never been part of a family meeting. With that unconscious choice of words I realized that my status had somehow subtly changed. I was no longer "like" family, I was family to him. A warm feeling invaded my heart and suddenly a lot of my fears were silenced.
Fears. From the time we walked on the airplane I was aware of Yue's distrust of flying under a power not his own. When we had gone to Hong Kong on vacation I hadn't been worried at all, but now Yue's presence was a constant in my life, unlike then. I tried not to think about it by distracting myself with other thoughts, but in the end the only things that could silence his fears were my own fears.
I felt foolish for asking questions in the first place and seeking someone "like me". I worried about bringing Touya with me--both because of who we were going to visit and because of his financial state. I wondered if I'd make a fool of myself by trying to speak English the whole time we'd be there. I wished I could just stay at home and be happy with the answers I already had. I was terrified that something would happen to Sakura while I was gone since I had no idea what would happen to me if anything happened to her.
I nearly fainted with relief as the plane finally landed. We milled out with the other passengers, and I was thankful for Touya's height as I followed him to the small group waiting for us. I hung back slightly though, realizing that even though I was the one who had been invited, he was more welcome here. Nakuru immediately threw her arms around him and welcomed him, going on and on about how she missed him. I felt the slightest twinge of jealousy when I saw this, but it was immediately soothed when he almost roughly shoved her away.
And then there was Kaho Mizuki.
My heart caught in my throat when I saw the smiles they exchanged, and then the small, friendly hug they shared. I knew that what they had shared was entirely in the past, but that didn't stop the stab I felt in my emotional core. I tried to hide it behind my usual smile, but--
"You didn't even remember that she lives with us," Nakuru taunted with a wicked smile.
I shook my head, reminding myself that this wasn't any different from before when she was Sakura's teacher. They were friends. That was all. Just because he and I were more than friends now didn't mean I should allow myself to feel jealous. "Hello to you too," I returned with a smile.
She just laughed and backed off a bit, letting Eriol take her place in welcoming us. From there it seemed the usual pleasantries were exchanged, making it all blur in my mind. I tried to still myself, trying not to show how deeply I felt that this was just a huge mistake. I shouldn't have come, I shouldn't have brought Touya, and I shouldn't be standing here letting my emotions stab me through with jealousy. Even when Kaho had finally stepped beside Eriol and they linked arms around each other there was a stab of envy that I knew was linked to people Eriol and I were merely echoes of.
And through it all I couldn't remove that damned smile from my face. I had asked for this after all. I was the one that wanted to know. I smiled, pretending that this was nothing more than a happy reunion, but inside I was wondering why I had agreed to this. They were all strangers to me. The annoying girl who had tried to steal my Touya. The reincarnation of someone who created me, but meant nothing other than that to me. And finally my boyfriend's ex girlfriend. What was I doing here?
Everyone started moving and I found myself following automatically. I was doing this for answers about myself. I was doing this for answers about everything that had happened. I was doing this mostly for Yue though. He had only once said he wanted to go, but--it was the way he said it. I couldn't explain to anyone else what it had meant, how it had felt, but from that one contact within me he had spoken volumes of how much this would mean to him. It was closure.
You make it sound like I'm here for Clow's funeral.
Maybe it was. Maybe it was more than that.
Much more than that.
Touya somehow knew the conflict within me. He casually placed his arm around my shoulders as we walked, kissing the top of my head lightly. I smiled, leaning in to him and felt safe for the first time in hours.
It's not an easy thing we do, but it's necessary. For both of us. It may feel strange to bring Touya along, but what would we do without him?
True. Without his arm around me right now, I wasn't sure if I'd have the strength to take one more step with these people that knew so much about me, but I knew nothing about in return.
Touya was still asleep in bed, for once taking advantage of not having to get up for any reason at all. I was too nervous to stay in bed though. My thoughts raced and couldn't settle on anything to linger on. I was a jumble of mixed emotions and I could not stay still. I wandered around darkened halls until I found the kitchen where Nakuru was already busy making breakfast.
"Would you like some help?" I moved closer, forcing myself to be friendly and confident around her.
She looked me over, then shrugged. "If you can handle the eggs and bacon while I take care of the pancakes I'd appreciate it."
I smiled, doing as she directed. "You're not your usual enthusiastic self," I observed after a few moments of silence.
She laughed. "You aren't either, but you never are around me. Yes, I did that on purpose of course. I just didn't know things would go the way they did."
"I don't understand."
She just shook her head. "No, of course you don't. You are sweet innocent Yukito that everyone loves. How dare I be so mean to everyone's golden child? How dare I try to separate you from your one true love, when neither of you could even admit it then?"
"I didn't mean it like that," I said softly, flipping the bacon. It didn't need it, but her words had hit too close to the heart. "Why would you want me to not like you?"
"It made me unique, didn't it?" When I looked up she was smiling, but it was a dangerous smile.
"Not so much," I admitted.
"I don't believe you. Name someone else you don't simply adore." Her tone was teasing, but I somehow knew that it was a mask over genuine curiosity.
"Can we talk about something else? I don't want to talk about that right now." I didn't want to talk about it ever actually. I felt silly feeling so jealous, especially toward someone who wasn't a threat to me and had always been kind. Everyone loved Mizuki-san. Except me.
"Oh, that's right. I do know who it is!" Her enthusiasm was returning as my own was fading. "Mr. Perfect is jealous. Is that the only way to get on your bad side? To have a piece of Touya's heart...or Master Eriol's? I'm curious to know who is more jealous here. Exactly which person are you jealous of her for?"
"Stop it!" I yelled. I never raised my voice, not in anger, but here I was yelling at her.
And she backed down.
"Sumimasen, Yukito-san," she said, her head bowed. "The truth is, I don't like her much either. I used to. I even asked if we could keep her when we first met, but things are different now. I shouldn't have teased you like that because I'm the one who is jealous."
I didn't know how to handle this. This wasn't the same Nakuru I had known before. "You've changed. A lot. What's going on?"
"Oh no you don't! You will not turn me into one of your fans that easily, pretty boy. Don't turn all concerned for me so suddenly. I'm every bit as jealous of you and your other half as you are of her."
"Why?"
She just glared, exasperated. "You constantly got the best grades in school despite all the distractions, and you aren't smart enough to figure that out?"
"You're in love with--"
"Good morning Eriol! Kaho. Suppi!" She cut me off as everyone began to file into the kitchen. Eriol greeted her with a warm smile and a good morning in return. Mizuki-san simply nodded and sat down. Spinel Sun started dive-bombing her, yelling at her about the nick-name. Nakuru swatted at him with the spatula, threatening to drench all the food in syrup if he didn't let her finish in peace. It seemed like I had observed their morning ritual, just like a family.
Well, it was closer to a family than I had ever had.
"You have a family," I told her softly as things started to die down.
"Oh, just wait. If it's a family it's dysfunctional, trust me. You can't get out of my bad side by playing the 'I have no family and you do' card. Trust me."
"Everyone looks so happy though."
"Do they?"
The day went on and I began to see what Nakuru meant. There was nothing I could put my finger on exactly, but there were small things going on that made me wonder. It was Touya, as always, that had the perception to put it all together.
"They don't love each other."
I blinked, getting ready for bed. It was the first time we had time together alone all day. "Excuse me?"
"Kaho and Eriol. They don't love each other. She had been in love before, but she isn't anymore. They seem to be going through the motions of being together, but it's already dead."
I put my pajamas on in silence, absorbing what he said and removing my own emotions from the situation. "Akizuki-san seems to agree. She said if this is a family, it's dysfunctional."
He pulled me in close, resting his chin on my head easily. "I wish there was something I could do. It's just not my place to say anything though. They need to find it themselves."
I sighed, wondering if that really was all there is to it. Did we have to wait in the sidelines and know they would self-destruct without saying a word? What good could we do if we did interfere though?
We slid into bed together, snuggling close under the blankets to ward off the cold air. Touya fell deep asleep quickly and I just held him, stroking his cheek and running my fingers through his hair until I couldn't take it anymore. I had to get out of bed. I wasn't sure where to go from there though, and I didn't want to get lost, especially in the dark here.
Don't worry, I know exactly where I'm going.
I nodded. That explained why I couldn't sleep and why I wanted to get out of bed so much.
My vision shimmered and the world fell away. I wasn't immediately aware of what Yue was doing this time. We had already reached our destination when I was granted a look through his eyes. It wasn't unusual, but more and more often I had been allowed to watch everything that Yue saw. Something wasn't right.
I realized that we were watching an argument unfold between Eriol and Mizuki-san. I frowned, but that was all I could do. I was just an observer.
"We could have gone to Tomoeda instead of making them come here." She sounded as sweet and calm as ever, but her smile looked strained.
"I have my reasons, Kaho."
"Do you ever have reasons you want to share? I would have liked to go back and visit my family, or have you forgotten that Tomoeda is my home too?"
"I'm sorry, but I don't want to talk about this right now." He sounded reasonable and calm, but Yue shifted nervously.
When Clow used that particular tone it meant he was about to be pushed too far. That expression is too calm. It's not a hard expression to read, but she seems to want to push him. Yes. She's played this game before, and she wants him to lose control. Doesn't she understand what she's doing to him?
I watched as things escalated.
"You don't want to, but maybe I do! All these years it's been about your plans and your wishes. Your plots and schemes. I thought I was your equal, your partner. Now you don't even want to talk about it."
"We'll talk about this later."
Mizuki-san turned her back slowly, walked to a door on the other side of the room from where Yue stood watching, and she faced him a moment while she held the door knob. There was a sad little smile on her face. "No, we won't."
He grabbed something off of the desk quickly, cocking his arm back as if to throw it, but checked himself and dropped the object, running his hands through his hair. "This is not who I am, this is not how I act," he chanted over and over for a while.
Finally he looked up and over at Yue with a small, self-depreciating smile. "I'm sorry you saw that. I don't know what came over me."
I think I do, Yue thought, but he kept his silence as he walked into the room.
"Leave her." Yue's words were simple and direct. I couldn't believe I was hearing them.
From the look in Eriol's eyes, he couldn't believe it either. "I won't do that Yue. I love her."
"You could love another." He made the words sound so easy, but I was starting to feel genuine fear and panic. This wasn't right. What was he thinking?
"Maybe. Someday. Not now. I'm happy."
Happy? He calls this happy? Even Clow was never this miserable in his life! I will remind him of what happiness is--
No!!! I couldn't believe this! Yue was stepping closer and Eriol was just sitting there with his dark blue eyes staring up at us. He knew what was going on. He just sat calmly and waited.
I don't know how I did it, but we stopped. I was frozen in my tracks, standing there, panting with exertion. I was myself. I opened my eyes wide, looking around me as if I had woken from a dream. In a way I had, but so had Yue. It was both of us who were looking around, dazed.
I loved Clow. I could handle that. I loved Touya. I could handle that. I could not love Eriol. I just couldn't. But...but...it would be so easy if I let myself. Too easy.
I felt tears sting the corners of my eyes and I automatically moved to take off my glasses so they wouldn't get stained if I couldn't stop crying. There were no glasses. Of course there weren't. Not in this form. It was a habit I'd have to check myself on.
"Yue, it just wouldn't work. I'd love to run away with you and leave everything behind, but that's not who I am. That's not even who I was as Clow." Eriol's hand reached up to caress my cheek and he caught the first tears as they began to flow.
"I know," I whispered. My skin tingled where his hand rested on my cheek and I could see Clow standing there, comforting me the same way so long ago. It was maddening. I loved him, but I didn't love him, and I was sure he felt the same for me. How could we have been torn apart like this? Why had he let things happen like this?
"Yue, things happened like this for a reason. You need to let me go. Love Touya. Let me love whom I love. Let me go."
"I don't know if I can," I admitted, falling to my knees before him. "Please, let me love you also. Please."
He almost said something, but I couldn't let him. He was about to smash the mirrors of my soul and I wasn't ready to let anyone see inside. Not yet. With lightning speed I stood and wrapped him in my arms, hovering above the ground. I kissed him deeply, holding him close and wanting to hold him even closer.
Something changed. He no longer felt like Clow in my arms, only Eriol. He blinked up at me and I looked down upon him and he blushed. I found myself blushing also. What had I just done? And why had I done it with this child. I slowly lowered him to the ground.
"I'm sorry, Eriol. That should never have happened."
"Yue, I am not Clow. I have his memories and his magic, but that is all. I am me."
"I know. I see that." I turned away. "I'm sorry. I--I need to go apologize to To-ya." I felt strange. My life was shifting again into two parts, and a cold emptiness was coming over me. I ran--no, flew back to the bedroom, needing to be safe and alone before that emptiness swallowed me whole. I wanted to jump into bed with him, but I stopped short, kneeling beside the bed, sobbing into my hands.
"I'm sorry To-ya, I'm so sorry, I don't know why this is happening like this...please, forgive me. I'm so sorry."
"Ssshhh, Yuki, it's okay."
His arms were around me, pulling me up to the bed, pulling me into his arms. I was me again, and Yue was Yue, but the line between us had never seemed so arbitrary or tenuous.