Dark Butterfly
I wandered through the garden, awed by the beauty of nature displayed here. There were a lot of flowers, but what kept drawing my attention was the trees. The trees were large and old, some were perfect for climbing and others were perfect for sitting under and resting an afternoon away.
I had left the house to clear my head and try to sort things out within. I had tossed and turned all night, trying to forget everything that had happened and not succeeding. This was turning into a great nightmare, made surreal by how Eriol and Kaho had been acting today. They were closer this morning, almost defying what happened by clinging to each other. It only made me feel more miserable and confused. Why had Yue done that? No, why had I done that?
I wasn't just Yukito anymore. Not after that. I had been there, been one with Yue. He hadn't been a voice in the back of my mind or some other being that took over my body. He had been me. I had been him.
I leaned up against a tree, overcome.
There was rustling in the tree above me and I noticed I wasn't alone. Clear brown eyes met my own, and before I could think I was climbing the tree to join Nakuru. She moved further down on the branch she had been sitting on, clearly inviting me to join her. I sat beside her with my back resting against the tree's trunk and waited to see what she wanted.
"You flew all the way out here to ask questions, so start asking!"
Oh. But...the only question I wanted to ask was something I hadn't dreamed of wanting to know about before. "You're in love with Eriol?"
She looked exasperated at first, but as she spoke a strange realization came to her, make her expression mellow. "I--of course I--well, actually--I'm not sure. Really, I'm not sure at all."
I smiled, trying very hard not to laugh and upset her. "What do you mean, you're not sure?"
She smiled back, but it wasn't a nice smile. I was suddenly scared that she somehow knew about last night...but how could she? Had she been hidden in shadows too? No, I dismissed it as paranoia.
"I thought I was in love, but I'm starting to wonder. I mean, I want to be loved. I want to be in love. But when I really think about it, I don't think it's Master Eriol who I should love. I mean, I can't even imagine doing anything like what you did to him last night!" Her eyes glittered with mirth as she watched my reaction. Then she added, "Besides, I don't want to end up like you, Yue."
I just moaned, leaning my head against the tree. I could feel my cheeks burning with shame. "Who else knows?"
She leaned in closer with a smirk. "So, I was right. You two are merging. I thought it was strange to see Yue reaching for glasses."
"Please, just tell me who else knows." This was getting more and more uncomfortable.
She just shrugged. "I don't think anyone else knows. I was walking past on the way to bed, but I didn't feel anyone else near. So, we share a secret!"
I did not feel anywhere near as enthusiastic as she sounded. "Oh goody." I gave her a weak smile. "I actually came out here to try to figure out how to tell Touya." I didn't want her to get the idea that I was trying to hide anything. I had no idea if she would try to blackmail me about this.
She just smiled. "Good idea. It could be very bad if he found out from someone else."
"Blackmail?"
"I thought about it. But what do I want from you, really? I can't take Touya away from you, especially not like that. I certainly wouldn't get anything else out of it. If I want a pretty new dress or make-up I can always ask Eriol. So, there's no need for me to blackmail you. No, this has given me something else. Proof that you're not perfect, like everyone seems to think you are."
"I've never claimed to be perfect."
"So? You didn't have to. In fact, your utter lack of arrogance is one of those things that make you so perfect in everyone's mind. Always kind, always smiling, never mean to a soul, never boastful, but you're not perfect. Especially now that the mask is breaking and the world will see you for who you really are."
Chills went through me. Exposed to the world. The world would see the real me, and I didn't even know who the real me was.
Then Nakuru's smile did turn friendly, almost gentle. "I think I might actually be able to like you, if you have some flaws. It doesn't make me feel so bad about my own."
I stared at her. "What flaws do you feel so bad about? I don't understand. What do I have that you don't?"
She sighed. "You wouldn't understand."
"Try me." I smiled gently.
"What do you have that I don't? Friends. You have friends."
"You had plenty of friends in Tomoeda. A lot of people were wondering where you went, what happened, why you left."
"No, they weren't friends. None of them knew anything about me, none of them would understand. Now that we're back home I don't even have that much again. Eriol had always been my best friend, but he's been too busy lately. He's been too busy since she got here."
"It's not your fault you don't have the same kind of friends I do, so it doesn't count as a flaw." I gave her a teasing smile to see what she'd do with it.
She looked at me strangely, then shrugged. "I was just saying what you have that I don't."
"So start writing to Sakura. She'd be happy to be your friend. Maybe her friend Tomoyo too. They've been both writing to Eriol after all, so--"
"Okay, okay. I'm no good at feeling sorry for myself anyway. I'd rather be happy and make others happy." When she smiled it was full of her old enthusiasm. I wasn't fooled. It was a mask just like....
Just like me.
I returned her smile. "We aren't so different after all."
Don't say that, Yue groaned, surprising me a little. He had been so silent, and after last night I was afraid we had shared too much to talk like this.
No, we're clearly not that close if you can utter nonsense like that.
I laughed, startling Nakuru who was telling me I had no idea what I was talking about. "You and Yue are both protesting a bit too much without trying to see why I said what I did."
"That's because your true self is more like Suppi-chan than me. Stuffy and serious. And boring."
"Hmmm, you mean like you're immature and childish? And shallow?"
She pouted.
I laughed again.
"Okay, okay, I won't tease Yue any more. Jeez. Who'd have thought you would call me names back. You of all people. After all I did to get you away from Touya, and you didn't say a word back then, but I tease you about him and you're suddenly saying things about me."
I put my head in my hands, then took off my glasses and cleaned them off distractedly. "You know what? Never mind. I give up. I wasn't being mean, and I'm sorry. I was just trying to make a point."
As I resettled my glasses in place she stuck her tongue out at me, then gave me a wink. "You just don't get my sense of humor, do you?"
I stared for a second, shocked, and then I smiled in return. "Maybe not, but I'm starting to get an idea I think."
"Good." She nodded, then jumped out of the tree suddenly, landing perfectly on her feet. "Want to be friends then?" She called that part back to me over her shoulder as she walked away.
What? Friends after all this? Uh... "Sure!"
She waved and kept walking.
I was suddenly, utterly confused.
Then again, that was probably exactly why she did it.
I was still up in the tree, thinking and toying with a leaf that had fallen into my hands. I have no idea how long I had been up in the tree, but I hopped down easily when I saw Touya walk down the path. His face brightened as he saw me and I felt a nervous flutter in the pit of my stomach.
"She said you were out here, and said you probably wanted to talk."
I nodded, then gestured further on the path. "Walk with me?"
We walked for a while in silence while I tried to get my mind to stop going round and round like a Ferris Wheel. My thoughts refused to stop spinning though and the silence drew on.
"Yuki, you haven't been acting like yourself lately. Something is bothering you and I wish you'd talk to me about it."
"To-ya, I--" I broke off, shaking my head, then tried to start again. "How can I act like myself when I'm not sure who I am anymore?"
Dark eyes turned on me with a piercing gaze as he tried to find out by sheer force of will why I was bringing this up again after so long. "What happened?" he asked finally when I refused to give away anything in my expression.
"Yue and I are merging, To-ya."
He nodded. "I thought that might have something to do with it."
I shook my head ruefully. "Nothing surprises you, does it. Let me guess, you've just known all along it would happen?"
"No. I've just noticed changes in you, that's all. Both halves of you. I've been wondering for a while if that was happening. Why didn't you tell me before?"
I was taken aback. Why hadn't I told him? "I--I think I needed time to come to terms with it myself and figure out what it meant for me. I wasn't sure how fast it would happen, or if I would just fade away entirely, and I was a little scared."
"So, what happened that you can talk about it now? Does it have something to do with last night?"
I drew a breath in sharply, almost scared about how perceptive he was, magic or no. "How did you know?"
"I didn't know," he said with a shake of his head. "I was just asking."
Oh. "It has a lot to do with last night," I admitted softly, fighting the trembling that threatened to overtake me. "For a little while, Yue and I were one. Complete. I don't even know how to describe it, but I hadn't lost any part of who I was, just gained a new perspective or...something. I really couldn't tell you. But he...er, uh, we...that is to say, I, uh, kissed Eriol last night." I couldn't meet his eyes, but I know he had stiffened in shock. I would have too.
"Why?" His tone was neutral, and I knew what expression he would have on his face to match his voice.
"It was a mistake. It was a huge mistake." I tried to recall the reasons I had as it happened last night and it came crashing down on me in vivid detail. "It was part of the merge. I wish I could just blame this on Yue and pretend it doesn't apply to me, but I can't. I wish I could, but I just can't."
Hush. You didn't want to, and you were right. I'm sorry.
"Stop! I was just as much there and in control, and as much as I wanted to stop, I didn't! That means I'm just as guilty."
"Yuki--" I looked up at him and was met with concern, confusion, and then grim understanding before his face slid to neutral again. "I'd like to speak to Yue. Please."
I shook my head slowly, sadly.
"Just Yue."
Was that possible? I was about to find out. I felt the change wash over me like a summer rain storm. It prickled against my skin, cooling me and sending a strange energy through me like electricity. The only darkness I saw was the backs of my eyelids for a moment as the wings heralded the physical change. I was shoved into the background, but I was still very much there.
You're right. We're too close now. I can't leave you out. He admitted this first, then opened his eyes and spread his wings, then willed them away as superfluous under the circumstances. He would not need them.
"What's going on, Yue?"
"It is much as Yukito told you, though I'm afraid I pushed the issue of the kiss."
"Why?"
Yue searched Touya's eyes for something...some quality that would let him share the whole story. He finally nodded and I breathed a sigh of relief.
"Because I still love Clow Reed."
"Eriol isn't Clow." Touya frowned.
"I know that. He's the closest I will ever have to him though, and I can't stand to see him hurting so much. Clow was never this unhappy, but Eriol said he was happy and still in love and I couldn't just leave that alone, so I--"
"So you tried to remind him of how wrong he was?"
Yue turned away. "Yes," he whispered in reply. "When Yukito tried to stop me he just got swept along with it, and now he's consumed with guilt over it. He shouldn't. It's my guilt to have."
"How close are you to merging?" His voice was filled with wonder and worry and a burning need to know.
There was silence. I thought about it. Yue thought about it. It was a difficult question. "Last night it really was total. Yukito surprised me by fighting so hard that he imposed his will and personality upon mine. It might have stayed that way, but--we were rejected. I withdrew. I can't undo what has been done though, and what happened will inevitably and irrevocably happen again. We're very close now. In fact, I don't think I'm speaking to you strictly as myself as I was, and Yukito is aware and will remember everything we are talking about now."
Touya cursed under his breath. "I shouldn't have asked you to change like that then. If I had known--"
"No, I'm still more me than him, and there are things I can answer that Yukito can't."
He stood still for a while, looking away, deep in thought.
"Yue, who will you chose? Who will your heart finally decide on?"
"I loved Clow Reed longer than you can imagine and more deeply than anyone should. But, he's dead. Yukito has loved you as long as he can actually remember, even though I don't know how that happened. He loves you more than anyone or anything. And he has loved only you from the moment he saw you."
"What about you, Yue?"
There were tears, welling up, emotions running wild, fears choking me, and we...I...reached up to wipe those tears as Yue tried to hide behind me...tried to hide behind a mask. I didn't know what to do or what to say. This was his question, why were we merging like this when I wasn't the one who could answer? Then it hit me. It was the same emotion between us. And I didn't know how to handle that emotion.
"I love you, To-ya. So much that it's scary. I tried not to. I feel disloyal. To Clow's memory...and to myself. Where does one of me end and the other me begin after all? If I confess how I really feel, will you think I'm stealing you from my false form? Will you tell me you only love the mask I wear? How will you feel about me when the mask is fully gone and my false form is only a physical change? I know you accepted me for who--for what I am when we started this, but acceptance is a long way from love."
"I told you from the start. I love every bit of you."
"How can you when you don't even know who I am?!? You love the part of me I wish I could be, but you don't know anything about me, and I am so scared that you never will. How could you? If I was capable of even thinking about leaving you for Eriol, how could you love me when you know that that person is my true self? When you know that all masks were gone and that was my true self."
"Yuki wouldn't do that to me," he stated simply, and my tears began anew.
"Who do you think you are talking to right now?" I cried, falling to my knees.
There was a long break where I was too consumed by guilty tears to notice anything around me. I was the misery I felt, and that misery was my universe, and there was no escape from it. Finally though, Touya's voice broke through to me as if from a distance and called me back to reality.
"Would you do it again?"
I looked up, startled. "Doesn't the fact I did it in the first place mean anything?"
His face was so serious, but also...forgiving. "Of course it does, but that's not what I'm asking. What I am asking is, would you do it again? Do you still want to leave me?" He was ready for any answer I could give, resolved no matter what I said.
I fought within myself, remembering what I had been a part of with Clow, but reminding myself that it could never be again. Yet...could I give myself to Touya fully if he would forever be second best? Didn't he deserve better than that? Was he really second best? Touya had given me all of his power, all of his magic, given me the greatest sacrifice he could just to save my life. But...Clow had given me life in the first place.
I looked up at Touya, trying to come up with the most honest answer I could, trying to make sure I knew my own heart well enough to give him the answer he deserved. And...he kneeled down to my level, refusing to tower over me in my moment of weakness. He met my eyes as an equal, and waited patiently for what I had to say.
"I could never do that again," I said.
"Then, will you let me know you well enough to love you? The real you? No more masks, no secrets, nothing hidden, just the real you for once."
I swallowed, hard. He was asking so much, he had no idea how difficult that would be! I didn't even know myself after all this time. "I'll try. I mean, it will take a long time." Then I found an echo of my old smile and tried it on my true face for the first time in centuries. "After all, I'm so much older than you, so there is a lot of me to know."
Gratifyingly, he chuckled. "I look forward to it. You don't have to be perfect. In fact, it helps a little that you're not."
"Oh no, not you too! Nakuru accused me of being too perfect yesterday, and now she wants to be friends because she found out I have flaws."
"Don't look so puzzled, Yue. Er...Yuki...."
I pulled him closer to me, then cupped his cheek in the palms of my hands. "Koi, call me Yuki, just as you always have, as only you have. I'll leave it up to everyone else to decide how they want to think of me, but that's the name I have always loved to hear from your lips." And I brushed my lips against his own, letting the shivers run through me with the soft contact. "To-ya," I breathed, pulling away a moment before he claimed my mouth in a searing kiss. He tasted like tears, but he smelled sweet like toffee or butterscotch and like heavy spices like cloves and something else that was uniquely his own scent. He kissed me with passion, without reserve, and his hands pulled me so close, caressing, feeling, holding, and my own hands did the same to him. Would I feel guilty if I admitted I loved his kisses better than Clow's? Maybe a little...but it was true. Clow had ever and always been Master. Touya was...he was...beloved. Best friend. Soul mate? I don't know. We kneeled there, just kissing, until rain started falling and drove us inside.
The rest of our vacation passed uneventfully. I wasn't entirely whole still, but I didn't feel quite like two separate people either. Nakuru and I continued to talk, getting to know each other and starting to almost feel like friends. There were things we could talk about that no human being would ever understand. There were also things we tried to talk about that the other couldn't understand, but we just laughed those away. Touya and Kaho talked a lot, and I realized I wasn't jealous. I knew he wouldn't leave me for her, no matter what. I apologized to...Eriol, though I still had a hard time separating him from Clow. We talked, we remembered together, and that helped me become more...me. It helped the part of me that was Yukito know more about the part of me that was Yue.
Finally it was time to fly home. I realized I was jumpy to get back to Sakura where I could keep an eye on her and make sure she was safe. I knew she wasn't in danger, but it felt wrong to be so far away for so long.
As everyone started the long process of saying goodbye, Nakuru pulled me aside. "Friends share secrets with friends, yes? So, since I have a secret of yours, it's fair of me to share a secret of mine. I was lying to you in the garden."
"About what?"
"I think I really could fall in love with Eriol, but I will not breathe a word of it or even think of it until Kaho is gone. But, I'm not sure if it's a good idea."
"Why wouldn't it be?" I asked with a gentle smile.
"Because of my secret. I'm not a girl. Promise to never tell a soul!"
"I promise. Of course, I have it on good authority that it won't make a bit of difference to Eriol."
Nakuru giggled. "I'm sure you're right, but I like being a girl! I've always thought of it as my deepest, darkest secret."
"Your secret is safe with me. And if--no, when--you tell him, I wish you good luck. If he rejects you, I hope he's kind, and if he doesn't I hope he's wonderful to you." I swallowed back my own emotions, trying to focus on my happiness with Touya. That was all that mattered. It...wasn't as hard to do as I feared it would be.
"I'm glad we became friends. You'll still write to Sakura and Tomoyo though, right?"
"Oh! That reminds me!" She handed me two envelopes, both bright pink with hearts and stars and flowers everywhere. "I've already started, if you'll please give these to them?"
I laughed and assured her I would, realizing that even knowing her secret I couldn't think of her as anything but a girl. She was too girlish, too feminine to think of as anything else. Did it really matter? No, I guess not. Neither of us were even human, so why should human definitions apply where we didn't want them to? We were creations, made by human beings, and we had to make our own personalities after the fact.
Even if hers was still exceedingly annoying most of the time.
Despite the turmoil, despite the pain, despite the conflict, it was still a vacation, and as soon as we returned home we realized that there were real life issues waiting for us to deal with us upon our return.