Family
Sakura-chan and Kinomoto-sensei were waiting for us at the airport. Ice ran through my veins when I saw the two of them instead of the warm happiness I had been expecting. I remembered...I felt dawning realization...a terrible understanding...I had made a huge mistake. Always before, I had avoided being my true self around Kinomoto-sensei, and had completely hidden the truth from my false form. He was half of Clow too. I hadn't let myself think about that, but it hit me like a wave as soon as I saw them there, smiling as they waited.
"Yukito-san!" Sakura called out cheerfully, but her face became concerned as she looked at me. "What's wrong?"
The smile...the smile...I couldn't forget to wear the smile.... "I'm fine, Sakura-chan. Just a little jet-lag I think."
Her eyes were knowing, searching, almost reminding me of Touya with their intensity as she looked at me, but then she smiled and blushed and became her usual self as she welcomed us home and started filling us in on everything we had missed. That filled in the emptiness behind my previous weary smile and I felt like everything would be fine.
They drove me home and I was able to pretend that everything was the same while Sakura dominated the conversation with her cheerful enthusiasm. The smile stayed in place, long practice keeping it in place despite a growing nervousness and my growing weariness. I couldn't wait to sleep in my own home with familiar sounds, despite having to sleep alone again. It was nearly a full moon, but even that didn't draw me more than the peace of a long sleep in my familiar room, resting on the comfortable futon instead of the almost smothering softness of the bed at Eriol's house.
Touya helped me to the front door with the luggage...not that either of us thought I needed it. We paused on the other side of the door, out of sight of the pair in the car, kissing goodnight. "Tomorrow night," he said softly, brushing hair out of my eyes gently.
I moved quickly to brush a kiss across his fingertips. Tomorrow night? Oh yes, the family meeting. To tell his family about us at last. "I'll need to tell Sakura-chan about the merge also...I'll be over in the early afternoon. Should we...should we take the evening to talk about everything? Or just about the two of us?" I did not want to steal his spotlight, but I was suddenly aware of so many things that needed to be talked about. All of us. The time for secrets had long passed.
He nodded in understanding as he walked back outside. "We'll see how things go tomorrow, but come over for lunch. We'll get an early start in case we need it. Good night, Yuki."
My heart pounded as I waved goodbye and watched them drive away into the night. I barely stayed awake to shower before I collapsed, sleeping all through the night and well into the next morning.
I arrived at the Kinomoto residence just in time for lunch. Sakura had worked like mad to fix plenty of food when Touya told her I would be there, but I felt strange eating so much now. I really didn't need it. But, it was expected, and the food was delicious. I didn't eat as much as usual though, and Sakura looked concerned. I exchanged an amused glance with Touya who had been startled himself when my eating habits changed over vacation.
"Yukito-san, are you sure you're okay?"
I laughed. "I'm fine, I promise. I would like to talk to you though."
Touya was already picking up the dishes, getting ready to wash them. "I'll do this while you two talk, okay?"
Now Sakura looked very concerned, but she just quietly followed me to the living room so we could talk comfortably. Their dad had already disappeared into the basement, wanting to get some research done before he started the surprise he had planned for supper. We would have the privacy we needed to talk about things, guardian to Mistress.
I suddenly didn't know what to say, how to explain. She was sweetly oblivious about me in so many ways, but cunningly insightful in others and I had no idea exactly how to say what I needed to tell her. There was also that strange dichotomy within me of how to think of her. I respected her as a powerful sorceress and realized that my entire existence depended on her, but I had looked at her as my little sister for so long. She was the master of my fate, she was the little girl who had followed me around with a giant crush for years, and she was the sorceress who told me she wanted to be my friend. It all flooded in on me at once, overwhelming me and forcing me to stare at her in silence for a lot longer than I ever had before.
"What do you need to talk about?" She just ignored the staring and smiled, trusting me that it wasn't anything wrong.
"I...I thought you should know that, well," I hesitated, tripping over my own name. We weren't completely merged still, but it felt so strange to think of myself as one or the other. Well, when in doubt, call myself by the name of the form I'm using. Soon it would be the only distinction between us at all. "Yue and I are merging into one."
Her eyes were huge. "Really?"
I laughed, startled by here wide-eyed innocence. "Yes, really."
"Why?"
"I think it was inevitable. I was so curious about who I really was and I wanted to know everything I could, and I couldn't do that without becoming...who I really am."
"But...why now?"
I shook my head. How could I explain that it had started from that fateful moment when Touya told me he wouldn't let me fade away. The second I realized that I kept secrets even I didn't know. It had begun...no, it had begun before then, when I would look at the world through the frame of glasses over the shoulder of my more innocent self and wish I weren't locked away from the world behind that mask. As Yue I had watched events unfold and wished I could be that happy and accepted all the time.
Her youthful enthusiasm prompted more questions before I could come up with an answer for the last. "What's it like? Is it scary?"
"Yes, it was a little scary at first. I was worried that I'd lose myself. But now, it just feels right, like I'm becoming the person I should have been in the first place."
"Wow. Then, I'll be happy for you since you seem to be happy about this. Uh, should we tell Kero-chan?"
I laughed. It was so simple for her, so straightforward. "I suppose he should know. He'll whine about it if he doesn't find out right away."
Her eyes sparkled. "Now I know you're merging. You've never ever teased like that before. I think I'll like this change in you."
I blinked, realizing she was right. I teased Touya, but in a different way, and he was the only one who really saw that part of me. As Yukito I was too kind. As Yue I was too formal. As either alone I was too reserved, too unsure of myself to open up that far. I was learning a lot by opening up to--myself.
She ran upstairs, grabbing me by the hand to make sure I followed. Before we reached the door I held back. "Wait." Keroberus still didn't know quite how to deal with me in my false form and would try to hide. It amused me a bit to think of him pretending to be a stuffed toy, but not this time. This was too serious to me.
I changed my form, feeling more comfortable this way for dealing with him. Sakura looked a little startled, then nodded. With a smile she opened her door, again grabbing my hand to drag me behind her.
"Kero-chan! Kero-chan!"
He floated out of the drawer he called home, looking very startled to see me. "What? What happened? What's wrong?"
Ever the extremist. "Nothing is wrong."
He gave me a pointed glance. "Then why did you guys wake me up from my afternoon nap? Why didn't you bring pudding? And why are you here?"
The last was obviously directed at me. I was hesitating again over how to say it when Sakura jumped enthusiastically and smiled. "Pudding! I knew I was forgetting something. I'll be right back up here with three puddings!"
As soon as the door closed Keroberus frowned. "Three puddings? You'll be changing back into that snow bunny form again so soon?"
He sounded...disappointed. I chuckled. "No."
"So, I get two puddings to myself? Sakura is so wonderful! Wai! Wai! She's too sweet to me!"
"She said three puddings, not four. No, you aren't getting two puddings."
"You don't expect me to believe that you're going to actually eat something, do you?"
I sent him a mock glare. "Maybe."
He suddenly transformed into his true form, managing to knock me down and pin me to the ground before I could stop him. "Who are you, and what have you done with Yue? What evil has possessed you? Can you still hear me in there, Yue?"
That was it. I remembered, long ago, Clow had done this...I just needed to remember the exact spot...and despite the pang that brought tears to my eyes to think of Clow, I couldn't stop now. I had to exact my revenge. My fingers were swift and sure as I reached up and--
"Yue! What are you doing? No, not that! Anything but that! Stop!" He backed off, gasping for air and still laughing from being tickled. I had tears in my eyes, but I was laughing. Finally laughing. As myself. I stood slowly, keeping a cautious eye on Keroberus to make sure he didn't pounce again, but he merely nuzzled me after I got to my feet. "It's so good to see you happy again."
"You knew," I accused with a pout. "I wanted to tell you that I'm becoming one with my false form, but somehow you already knew."
"Of course I knew. I know you better than anyone else alive, Yue. I can tell these things. Well, it helped that Sakura left to get pudding for all of us. There's no other reason you would be eating. Though, I don't understand still why your false form would eat so much! I mean, he eats as much as--"
"As much as you, Keroberus?"
He just sighed, nodding. I waited for him to say what was on his mind. "I've missed you. You know that, don't you? When Clow died, it was like--"
I hushed him, petting him on the back. "I know," I admitted softly. It was like he had lost both of us. He didn't understand, couldn't understand why Clow's death had killed me inside. "I'm still not--I mean, Yukito and I are still integrating, and it will take time. I won't be the same as I used to be, not entirely, but I--"
It was his turn to shut me up with another nuzzle. "I know," he echoed me. "You never would have tickled me like Clow used to."
I smiled, nodding. Then Sakura was outside the door, wondering how to open it with her hands full, and I saved the day as always by opening it for her. She prattled on, bantering with Keroberus, until Touya entered with his own pudding. The four of us sat, talking about everything and nothing until supper was ready. She wasn't Clow. She would never be Clow. But, I realized that I could live with that. This moment in time was every bit as good. Besides, this was Sakura-chan. My little sister in a way. If anyone had to be the master of the cards, I was glad it was someone as sweet and caring as her.
The time between the knock on the door and the actual opening of the door was not quite enough time to return back to my false form. Kinomoto-sensei had to have seen the flash of light, the cocoon of wings enclosing me, but he smiled as if nothing had happened. Keroberus, in his false form suddenly also, looked just as nervous as I did, though he sat still and pretended to be a toy.
That toy. I couldn't help myself. I laughed to see him sitting like that, remembering all the times he had done the same act around me. Even more funny was the knowing look in their dad's eyes, though he pretended not to notice anything was amiss. "Supper is ready," he said kindly. I laughed harder, recognizing clearly the same expression Clow used to wear when he was keeping a secret.
Touya and Sakura looked at me like I had lost my mind. I just shook my head and tried to hold the laughter in. There was no way I could explain it, especially not in the time we had to go down to eat. Not only that, but how could I tell Touya...no, I couldn't tell Touya that I saw similarities between his father and my old, dead lover. I was suddenly very glad that I hadn't remembered any of this before when I had to face Kinomoto-sensei.
Dinner conversation was usual, polite, and uneventful until their dad asked, "So, Touya-kun, how was your vacation?"
Touya answered, giving details about England or the flight when prompted, but I didn't really hear what they talked about. I was remembering that stolen kiss and my face burned with shame to think that I was sitting at the dinner table with the other half of that soul. I couldn't stand to think about it, but I couldn't stop remembering.
I love Touya, I told myself firmly.
I love Clow, part of myself answered in return.
I have Touya, and that's all that matters, I replied firmly, logically. A few more deep breaths and I was able to look up again. I focused on Kinomoto-sensei again, this time looking at how different he was from Clow. Then I realized I didn't even need that.
Kinomoto-sensei was the part of Clow that truly was paternal. He was the part that held me close when nightmares woke me at night. He was the part that patiently taught Keroberus and I to control our magic. He was the part that--
"Kinomoto-sensei," I interrupted. "Excuse me, but if I may..." I waited and everyone else to nodded, expectantly. "One man made me, but did not want me. One man bought me, but did not use me. One man used me, but did not know it. What am I?"
"A riddle! I love riddles...how did you know?" He looked simply delighted while he tried to figure it out.
Sakura looked shocked and confused. Touya shot me a dark look. After a moment I realized...they had read meaning into the riddle where I hadn't intended. I shook my head and smiled, just waiting for the riddle to be answered. I knew it would be eventually, for Kinomoto-sensei clearly had the part of Clow Reed that had taught me riddles so long ago. It wouldn't be difficult at all to simply place Kinomoto-sensei in the roll of the father figure only.
"I haven't riddled since before Touya was born, but I used to love it. I swear I've heard this riddle before, but the answer is just out of reach."
Yes, he would have heard it before in a way. Clow had gone to the grave with it, the last riddle he had left me to puzzle out so long ago. I had only finally figured it out while in England when I had given myself some quiet time to reminisce.
"Can I get back to you about this, Tsukishiro-kun? We have other things to talk about, and if you get me started with riddles we might not stop."
I smiled. "Some other time." I thought of it as a promise.
Sakura was nodding, growing animated. "Yukito-san is really good at riddles! You should have seen him when we had the town competition a couple of years ago. He was amazing! We would have won if I hadn't fallen, he--"
Touya stood, ruffling her hair. "I think we've heard the story before, monster."
"I am not a monster!" She jumped up and ran after him, playfighting as always. Supper was officially over and we all cleared the table and did dishes together.
Finally it was time.
"Dad," Touya began, "I have a lot of things I wanted to talk about tonight."
It was the glance in my direction that let me know that it was a talk that had been expected for a long time. Sakura just waited patiently, showing that rare restraint that I thought was one of her best traits. She knew when it was time to wait and listen. On the other hand, Touya was a nervous wreck. I sighed, reaching for his hand and leaning over to look in his face.
"It's okay, To-ya. This is your family."
He nodded, my quiet words and gentle touch seemed to give him the strength he needed.
"Dad, you know I've been wanting to move out on my own. That's one of the things I've been saving all my money for from my jobs."
"Yes, but I thought you had spent a lot of that on your vacation."
Touya sighed and I gave his hand a reassuring squeeze. "I did. I won't be able to afford an apartment on my own yet, but--" He took a deep breath before rushing through the next few words. "Yuki and I have been talking about living together."
"That's a huge step," Kinomoto-sensei mused. "Yukito-kun, have you two talked to your grandparents about it yet?"
I choked. I think I paled. Was he asking on purpose? Did he know? If I explained, that would open the door for a lot more questions, and they weren't my questions to answer.
But, I couldn't lie either.
I looked over at Sakura who was looking a little pale herself. She chewed on her lower lip, then finally shrugged and nodded.
"I--I can't. I don't really have grandparents. I've been living alone this whole time."
No, he looked genuinely startled to hear me say that. He frowned a little, thinking for a moment. "I sense that there is a long story behind that, but I don't think tonight is the night for that one."
Sakura looked very relieved and Touya relaxed a bit before tensing again.
"Dad, I did want to say one more thing. Yuki and I are a...have been, uh, dating. For a while."
I hoped I wasn't blushing as bad as Touya was.
"I'm glad you finally told me. That's a difficult step in these circumstances. So, moving in together won't be as roommates. It will be the next step in your relationship?"
"Yes," Touya admitted, still blushing. I just sat there silently, nodding agreement.
"Where will you two be living?"
"My house," I admitted softly, my expression somewhere between chewing on my lip and a too-large smile. I felt so awkward, young, and inexperienced. This was completely outside the scope of anything I had experienced before. But, I had to admit, it could be worse.
"That sounds like a good idea. Welcome to the family, Yukito-kun."
And, when he said it, it sounded official. Sakura jumped up and wrapped me in a huge hug, giving the greatest smile I had ever seen. "I'm so happy for you two! Yes, welcome to the family, Yue-san!" And, if there were tears in her eyes, they only mirrored my own tears of joy. I felt whole, included, and finally complete.