A/N: A short piece, Syd's thoughts at the end of The Indicator. Feedback
would be very much appreciated. Sorry, it hasn't been betaed, but I didn't
want to wait any longer to post it because it'll get too outdated.
Anagnorisis, for those who are wondering, means "recognition".
Disclaimer: Of course, I do not own these characters. I just borrow them occasionally for my own amusement. (
Anagnorisis
I didn't know what to believe anymore. The pain in my father's eyes at the words "I'll never forgive you" seemed genuine, and part of me was sorry for this, despite what he had just done. But, if there's one's thing that I've learned from this life, it's that, cliché as it sounds, things aren't always as they seem.
I flash back to the days when I thought my mother was the parent who cared about me and my father didn't act like a parent at all. My perceptions of them have switched back and forth and now it looks like neither one was ever acting like a parent. Once came back from the dead, having betrayed me and my country, shot me, and nearly let my friend be killed. The other, I thought I was finally getting closer to until I realized my best interests weren't exactly what he had at heart. I was trained, programmed for this life of heartbreak and deceit by the very people who are supposed to protect me, love me. The only family I've ever known, and they have both lied to me for my entire life. I never used to think of myself as a fragile person, but there I was: about to crumble and with so many cracks where I've already fallen apart and been glued back together somehow that I can't quite distinguish the old scars from the new.
I started walking aimlessly, wanting only to collapse but not knowing where there was solid ground I could land on. Water ran down my cheeks and I wondered idly whether it was from the clouds or my eyes.
It's funny how the whole world changes when your image of just one tiny part of it shifts. "We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are." Once upon a time, I knew whose words those were, but I can't remember. Doesn't matter. Anyway, right now, everyone and everything around me looks confused and unsure. Streets I've walked down hundreds of times are darker and I'm not certain where they'll lead me. Nothing looks the same.
A park. I've left my dad and that stricken expression on his face far behind, and I'm still walking. My legs feel disconnected from my brain but they're carrying me. I turn without paying attention to where I'm going and press buttons without looking at them. Numbers and directions may not mean a thing anymore. Suddenly, 2 + 2 could easily equal 5, or 719 for all I know. Very few absolute truths are left to me.
Then, a familiar face. The world begins to have some small semblance of order again and I recognize the office I'm in. I find comforting arms and although I now realize that the water on my face is pouring from my eyes, I begin to think that all the little pieces of me can hold together for a little longer yet. Perhaps I'm not quite as fragile as I thought. Maybe there are a few truths still left standing for me to believe in. And maybe there's still someone in my life who'll love me unconditionally, even if it's not a person who should.
Disclaimer: Of course, I do not own these characters. I just borrow them occasionally for my own amusement. (
Anagnorisis
I didn't know what to believe anymore. The pain in my father's eyes at the words "I'll never forgive you" seemed genuine, and part of me was sorry for this, despite what he had just done. But, if there's one's thing that I've learned from this life, it's that, cliché as it sounds, things aren't always as they seem.
I flash back to the days when I thought my mother was the parent who cared about me and my father didn't act like a parent at all. My perceptions of them have switched back and forth and now it looks like neither one was ever acting like a parent. Once came back from the dead, having betrayed me and my country, shot me, and nearly let my friend be killed. The other, I thought I was finally getting closer to until I realized my best interests weren't exactly what he had at heart. I was trained, programmed for this life of heartbreak and deceit by the very people who are supposed to protect me, love me. The only family I've ever known, and they have both lied to me for my entire life. I never used to think of myself as a fragile person, but there I was: about to crumble and with so many cracks where I've already fallen apart and been glued back together somehow that I can't quite distinguish the old scars from the new.
I started walking aimlessly, wanting only to collapse but not knowing where there was solid ground I could land on. Water ran down my cheeks and I wondered idly whether it was from the clouds or my eyes.
It's funny how the whole world changes when your image of just one tiny part of it shifts. "We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are." Once upon a time, I knew whose words those were, but I can't remember. Doesn't matter. Anyway, right now, everyone and everything around me looks confused and unsure. Streets I've walked down hundreds of times are darker and I'm not certain where they'll lead me. Nothing looks the same.
A park. I've left my dad and that stricken expression on his face far behind, and I'm still walking. My legs feel disconnected from my brain but they're carrying me. I turn without paying attention to where I'm going and press buttons without looking at them. Numbers and directions may not mean a thing anymore. Suddenly, 2 + 2 could easily equal 5, or 719 for all I know. Very few absolute truths are left to me.
Then, a familiar face. The world begins to have some small semblance of order again and I recognize the office I'm in. I find comforting arms and although I now realize that the water on my face is pouring from my eyes, I begin to think that all the little pieces of me can hold together for a little longer yet. Perhaps I'm not quite as fragile as I thought. Maybe there are a few truths still left standing for me to believe in. And maybe there's still someone in my life who'll love me unconditionally, even if it's not a person who should.