29.  Wounds Very Old and Very Deep

Evangeline ran blindly.  Her eyes filled with tears.  He's a monster…. How could I have been so wrong about him?…repeated over and over in her mind.  As she ran past the Gryffindor tower a large black dog, who was sleeping under the fat lady's picture, lifted his head and watched her go by.  She headed up and up, to the top of the Astronomy tower where she found she could go no farther.

The distraught witch burst out onto the roof and ran to the edge of the parapet to rest her throbbing head against the cold stone, and to try and calm down her ragged breathing.  All she could hear was the beating of her heart; all she could see was that burning black mark on his arm; all she could feel was pain and bewilderment.  He's a monster...How could I have been so wrong? 

Suddenly a sharp noise from behind her caught her attention.  She whirled around to find Sirius Black coming towards her with a concerned look on his face.  "Angel?  What's the matter?  What's happened to upset you like this?"

"Oh, Sirius.  He's a monster; you were right about him after all!"  She sobbed brokenly.

"Right about who, Angel?  You mean Snape?  Well, of course, I was right.  What made you change your mind?"  He took the sobbing woman into his arms to try to calm her down.  "He's a filthy, slimy, evil git!  He always has been.  Did he do something to hurt you?"

She shivered in his arms and shook her head.  "No…but, oh Sirius, he's…a Death Eater!"

"Oh, you found out about that did you."  Fairness warred with hatred in Black's mind, but habit won out.

Black stroked her hair gently and smiled a satisfied smile.  "Calm down, Evangeline.  I won't let him hurt you.  Remus and I've always known what a foul creature he is.  I tried to warn you before.  You should've listened to me.  It's been obvious ever since we were all in school.  As soon as I laid eyes on the slimy little git, I could tell he was destined for the dark side!  He knew more dark curses when he arrived at Hogwarts than most seventh years ever learn.  For our own protection, James, Remus, and I always watched his every move. You just knew there'd be trouble if he was around.  Once when Remus was hiding in the shrieking shack at the full moon, I managed to trick him into crawling in and finding out first hand just what went on in there every month.  Would have served him right if he'd been killed in there, I say, but James had an attack of conscience and hauled him out before anything could happen to him. He really shouldn't have bothered; certainly no one would've missed him."

Shocked at this appalling statement, Evangeline pulled back from Black in horror.  What was he saying!?… That he'd tried to murder Severus when they were all still in school, and he was sorry that it hadn't worked!?  Is everyone a monster around here? 

Black was getting more and more worked up with his rant about how horrible the Slytherin was and didn't notice the growing look of horror and disgust on her face as she looked at him.  Totally wrapped up in himself, he went on and on and on…detailing all of the different ways that they used to use, to make life a living hell for Snape, for year after year of their time as students.

Evangeline backed away from Black as she tried to make sense of this nightmare.  Finally realizing that something was wrong and he was losing his audience, Black broke off his diatribe. "What's the matter, Angel?  You should understand.  You said it yourself…He's a monster."

She gasped and shook her head.  "Oh, Sirius, don't you understand?  Don't you realize what you did?  He wasn't a monster!  He was a child!  And you slapped a label of evil on him and set about making sure that everyone only saw him the way you did!  For year after year, you took away any hope he had of friendship or belonging.  You made it clear that there was no place for Severus Snape with any of you on the so-called "side of the light".  You'd never accept him, no matter what he did, and you made sure that no one else did either, didn't you!  You made sure that Severus couldn't get any of the things we all crave…acceptance, companionship, a sense of belonging…with anyone, except someone like Lord Voldemort and those who followed in his footsteps!  Oh, Sirius, don't you get it?  Cause someone pain, put them down, take away their acceptance and their self worth, day after day...that's how you create a monster!"

"He's not a monster, Evangeline!"  Came a voice from over her shoulder.  She spun around to see Remus Lupin standing in the doorway looking rather out of breath.  A sad look came over his tired features as he looked past Evangeline to Black.  "I've never looked at it from that angle before, but she's right Sirius.  We never gave Severus much of a chance when we were kids.  We might as well have put our hands on his back and shoved him into Voldemort's arms.  We were always so determined to label him one of the bad guys.  Oh, I'm sure that Severus doesn't blame us for his choices, and god knows, we've never blamed ourselves for much of anything, but when you come right down to it, there's a sad sort of inevitability to the paths we've all traveled."

Black turned away, but he didn't say anything.  A vein in his temple pulsed, and his jaw was clenched.

Lupin sighed again, rubbed his temple, and switched his attention back to Evangeline.  "He's not a monster, Evangeline.  Severus crawled out of that hole many years ago, before Voldemort's first downfall.  He's not a Death Eater.  He's a spy, for Dumbledore."

"A spy?" she said faintly.

He nodded solemnly.  "Yes.  He goes off every time the Dark Lord calls and pretends to be a loyal servant of the darkness.  Then he comes back here, often in a similar condition to the one he's in right now, and reports on anything that bastard has said.  Then we heal him up and send him back again.  He's a braver man than I am to be able to keep doing it.  He deserves our support."  This last was said as much to Black as to Evangeline, but again no response was forthcoming.

Evangeline ran her hands through her hair and moaned.  "Oh, god, I was an idiot!  How could I hurt him like that?  He thought I was his friend, he trusted me, and I turned on him without a second thought.  Jumping to the first conclusion that came to mind, never giving him a chance to explain!  Do you think he could ever forgive me?"  Her tear filled eyes pleaded wordlessly with Lupin.

Lupin smiled kindly.  "Yes, Evangeline.  I'm sure that Severus will forgive you.  He's not always the forgiving type."  Black snorted behind her.  "But for you, I have no doubt, he'll make an exception."

Praying fervently that he was right, Evangeline nodded shakily, then turned to Black and said, "You're not always the forgiving type either, are you Sirius?  For your own sake, you might want to at least try to let go of some of that anger and hatred.  Holding onto it so tightly, for all of these years, isn't good for you or anyone else."

Then she turned and left the tower, pausing only to squeeze Lupin's arm in gratitude, as she headed back down to the hospital wing and an uncertain reception.