Chapter 5: Torture, Torture, Torture
"Ah, Jedi Kenobi, it is nice to see you again. I see you finally completed the job you accepted. As soon as I get the film of Qui-Gon's death, the money will be deposited to your account," Nute Gunray whispered. "I was ordered by the council to kill Qui-Gon, but a financial reward can't hurt," Obi-Wan replied as he gave the film of Qui-Gon's death to Gunray. "However, Viceroy, if this gets out to ANYONE, yours will be the next head to roll." Obi-Wan left the Viceroy and began to mingle with the other Assertiveness Seminar attendees. Suddenly, the flagship shook violently, sending everyone flying. "What's happening?" Obi-Wan asked Nute Gunray, who had been thrown into Obi-Wan. "That stupid Amidala is attacking my flagship! This is war!" Nute Gunray yelled. "Do you know why she is attacking?" Obi-Wan asked. "Because she thinks she is the Queen of Naboo!" Gunray screamed. "But isn't she?" Obi-Wan asked, confused. "Well yes., but she shouldn't be!" Gunray replied. Obi-Wan sighed as he thought to himself, "The galaxy is being run by two year olds and imbeciles!" "Can you get me a ship to the surface?" Obi-Wan asked. "My ride isn't groovy enough. "Sure," Nute replied as he tossed Obi-Wan his keys. "Fill her up before you return her!" "No problem!" Obi-Wan replied as he ran towards Nute's garage. * * * "I think I love you, but what am I so afraid of." David Cassidy sang, accompanied by Tusken Death shriek voice. Obi-Wan swerved back and forth across the space lanes, oblivious to the world, including the many gestures and words directed at him for his driving, music, and singing voice. The music was so loud, Nute Gunray could hear it from his flagship. And as he heard the music, Nute asked himself, "Why did I ever, ever, buy that 8-track and David Cassidy cassettes for my Mustang Convertible 88,000b luxury edition?!" * * * One hour and 43 collisions later, Obi-Wan landed at the Naboo Palace. Waiting to greet him were Queen Amidala, Boss Nass, Captain Tarpals, Jar Jar Binks, Captain Panaka, and Nute Gunray. "Nute, how did you get down here before me?!" Obi-Wan asked, confused. "Oh, I teleported down. Its wonderful technology," Nute replied. "But since you teleported down, flying down is uncool!" Obi-Wan cried. "Actually, it's the other way around," Queen Amidala replied. "Teleporting is uncool." A mob of Naboo citizens rushed onset, chanting, "Burn the uncool one at the stake," as they dragged Nute Gunray away. "Thank you, Queen Amidala," Obi-Wan replied. "You have completed one part of my mission. Now, I will complete the next." Obi-Wan dashed onto his ship, pulling Jar Jar Binks along with him. As Obi-Wan lifted off his ship, he ordered into his comlink, "Open fire." Space distorted, and a large tye-dyed space cruiser, the Foxy Lady, piloted by Jimi Hendrix, uncloaked and opened fire on Naboo and the Spade Federation Flagship. "Yousa saved mesa life!" Jar Jar thanked Obi-Wan. "You annoyed me, so I wanted you to suffer," Obi-Wan replied. Jar Jar let out a long, terrified whimper. * * * Obi-Wan landed at the Sith Retirement Home, and evil glint in his eye. The sith would make this experience pleasurable. "What is it you want, Jedi?" a sith guard asked. "I have a new creature for the sith retirees to have fun with," Obi- Wan replied. "And what would you wish in return?" the guard asked cynically. "All I ask is for a good effort to be placed on torturing this creature and that I am allowed to watch and film this torture unharmed. Leave him alive till the very end," Obi-Wan replied. "With pleasure," the guard replied. Jar Jar let out a long, terrified shriek.
"Ah, Jedi Kenobi, it is nice to see you again. I see you finally completed the job you accepted. As soon as I get the film of Qui-Gon's death, the money will be deposited to your account," Nute Gunray whispered. "I was ordered by the council to kill Qui-Gon, but a financial reward can't hurt," Obi-Wan replied as he gave the film of Qui-Gon's death to Gunray. "However, Viceroy, if this gets out to ANYONE, yours will be the next head to roll." Obi-Wan left the Viceroy and began to mingle with the other Assertiveness Seminar attendees. Suddenly, the flagship shook violently, sending everyone flying. "What's happening?" Obi-Wan asked Nute Gunray, who had been thrown into Obi-Wan. "That stupid Amidala is attacking my flagship! This is war!" Nute Gunray yelled. "Do you know why she is attacking?" Obi-Wan asked. "Because she thinks she is the Queen of Naboo!" Gunray screamed. "But isn't she?" Obi-Wan asked, confused. "Well yes., but she shouldn't be!" Gunray replied. Obi-Wan sighed as he thought to himself, "The galaxy is being run by two year olds and imbeciles!" "Can you get me a ship to the surface?" Obi-Wan asked. "My ride isn't groovy enough. "Sure," Nute replied as he tossed Obi-Wan his keys. "Fill her up before you return her!" "No problem!" Obi-Wan replied as he ran towards Nute's garage. * * * "I think I love you, but what am I so afraid of." David Cassidy sang, accompanied by Tusken Death shriek voice. Obi-Wan swerved back and forth across the space lanes, oblivious to the world, including the many gestures and words directed at him for his driving, music, and singing voice. The music was so loud, Nute Gunray could hear it from his flagship. And as he heard the music, Nute asked himself, "Why did I ever, ever, buy that 8-track and David Cassidy cassettes for my Mustang Convertible 88,000b luxury edition?!" * * * One hour and 43 collisions later, Obi-Wan landed at the Naboo Palace. Waiting to greet him were Queen Amidala, Boss Nass, Captain Tarpals, Jar Jar Binks, Captain Panaka, and Nute Gunray. "Nute, how did you get down here before me?!" Obi-Wan asked, confused. "Oh, I teleported down. Its wonderful technology," Nute replied. "But since you teleported down, flying down is uncool!" Obi-Wan cried. "Actually, it's the other way around," Queen Amidala replied. "Teleporting is uncool." A mob of Naboo citizens rushed onset, chanting, "Burn the uncool one at the stake," as they dragged Nute Gunray away. "Thank you, Queen Amidala," Obi-Wan replied. "You have completed one part of my mission. Now, I will complete the next." Obi-Wan dashed onto his ship, pulling Jar Jar Binks along with him. As Obi-Wan lifted off his ship, he ordered into his comlink, "Open fire." Space distorted, and a large tye-dyed space cruiser, the Foxy Lady, piloted by Jimi Hendrix, uncloaked and opened fire on Naboo and the Spade Federation Flagship. "Yousa saved mesa life!" Jar Jar thanked Obi-Wan. "You annoyed me, so I wanted you to suffer," Obi-Wan replied. Jar Jar let out a long, terrified whimper. * * * Obi-Wan landed at the Sith Retirement Home, and evil glint in his eye. The sith would make this experience pleasurable. "What is it you want, Jedi?" a sith guard asked. "I have a new creature for the sith retirees to have fun with," Obi- Wan replied. "And what would you wish in return?" the guard asked cynically. "All I ask is for a good effort to be placed on torturing this creature and that I am allowed to watch and film this torture unharmed. Leave him alive till the very end," Obi-Wan replied. "With pleasure," the guard replied. Jar Jar let out a long, terrified shriek.