That evening, after brooding about her conversation with Remus all day, Evangeline decided that he was right. Severus cared about her. She was sure of that. If he had reasons why he wasn't willing to act on his feelings, then it was past time she found out what they were. If anyone had a right to know, she did. Perhaps, he just needed the right persuasion. So before she could change her mind, she went into her bedroom and opened a drawer that she hadn't touched since she came here months ago. She changed and put on her warm black robe, brushed her hair and let it hang loose down her back. Lastly she slipped her feet into soft slippers, left her room, and headed for the dungeons and Severus.
Once in front of his door, she hesitated, but she'd come too far to back out now. With butterflies in her stomach the size of falcons, she knocked on the door, and entered at his call. Closing the door firmly behind her, she leaned against it, and looked across the room at Snape sitting at his desk.
He looked at her as if he was surprised and a little nervous to see her. "Good evening, Evangeline. What brings you here this evening?"
Feeling incredibly nervous but determined, she pushed away from the door and walked slowly over to the desk. Once there she perched on the edge of it and gazed down at him in his chair. "You bring me, Severus. I've found it too hard to stay away from you anymore. Before I disappointed you so badly, it seemed to me that something wonderful was happening between us. The time I spent in your arms, dancing at the ball on Halloween, was the most wonderful time of my life. Did I only imagine that it meant something to you, too?"
His eyes slid nervously away from hers. "No," he whispered.
Heartened at his answer, she put her hand under his chin and turned his face back to hers. "Then what's wrong, Severus? Why do you keep me at arms length, when all I want is your arms around me?" Slowly she bent over and kissed his lips softly.
He sat still as a statue, but his breathing sped up. Encouraged, she removed her heavy black robe, letting it fall to the desk top, to reveal a lovely ivory silk negligee.
Severus swallowed hard as his eyes caressed her hungrily. Maintaining his composure and distance was becoming more difficult.
With a delicate touch, she stroked his cheek with her hand. "Do you remember this, Severus?" she whispered softly as she ran her hands sensuously down the sides of the gown.
He nodded wordlessly, his eyes mesmerized by the vision she presented.
"I thought the shop girl had the right idea about this gown. Even back then, you had an effect on me. Although, I didn't want to admit it at the time." She smiled at him. "Do you like it on me?"
Deliberately she leaned over, and placed her hands lightly on his shoulders, so that he got a spectacular view of her cleavage.
He swallowed hard again and quickly licked his lips. "It looks as lovely on you as I imagined it would," he murmured in a low husky voice.
This response encouraged her greatly. So she smiled, ran her fingers lightly through his hair, and whispered warmly in his ear. "What's the matter, Severus? Don't you want me as much as I want you?" She nibbled his ear teasingly, leaned back and looked deeply into his eyes, while running her fingers gently down the sides of his face.
Unable to deny himself any longer, he moaned softly, "Yes."
Desperately, he reached out for her and pulled her off the desk and into his arms. To her utter joy, he kissed her passionately and deeply as he held her tightly against him. His lips glided sensuously over hers, his hands buried themselves deeply in her soft hair and gently caressed her smooth naked skin. His lips seemed desperate to explore every inch of smooth soft skin that was before him, as they slid gently down her throat to fasten on the sensitive spot where it met her shoulder. She moaned and entwined her fingers in his dark hair letting it slip gently against her palms.
While one of his elegant hands held her tightly against him, the other slipped the strap of her negligee down her arm as his questing fingers moved caressingly over her expanse of bosom to cup a warm breast in his palm and tease the taut nipple with his thumb as his eager mouth descended for a taste.
For the next few moments, reality stood still as the two of them were totally lost in the pleasure of their long denied embrace, then Severus abruptly pulled away and murmuring a strangled, "No". With an agonized expression on his face, he stood up suddenly, forcing Evangeline to grab for the desk, in order to avoid ending up being dumped on the floor. Stiffly he paced across the room to the fireplace and rested his head in his hands on the mantle. Leaving her frustrated and confused.
"We can't do this, Evangeline. It wouldn't be fair to you. There's still so much you don't know about me." His voice was full of bitter frustration.
"Then tell me, Severus! I need to understand." She pleaded with him in despair as she pulled her disarrayed gown back into place. "I can't go on this way any longer. I love you, and from the response I was getting a few moments ago, I think you love me, too. Or, at the very least, desire me as much as I do you."
Cold empty silence seemed to stretch on forever.
She tried again, desperate to get through to him. "Look, Severus, I know you're a former Death Eater and a spy. I know about your difficulties during your school days. Sirius and Remus told me a lot about those days, and they didn't sugar coat it to make themselves look good, either. I understand why you hate Sirius Black so much. I don't blame you at all…in your place, I'd have felt just the same."
She sighed. "Nothing you can tell me will make me think less of you. I told you before. I trust you completely. I'm not going to run away ever again. What more is there to know?" Apprehensive but determined, she got up and approached him from behind, running a comforting hand down his arm.
He closed his eyes at her touch, and his voice was low and full of pain. "You shouldn't trust me, Evangeline. I don't deserve your trust." He took a deep breath. "I was there when your mother died. I saw it happen, and I didn't try to stop it." He turned around to look at her, an expression of anguish on his features.
Confused, she backed up a step and removed her hand from his arm.
"What do you mean, "you were there"?" Her face had gotten very pale.
"I became a Death Eater shortly after graduating from Hogwarts. I knew very quickly that it was a mistake. That most of the things I had believed and been told were lies. But once you're in, you can't just opt out again. Finally, in my desperation, I went to Dumbledore and pleaded for his help. He gave it, on the condition that I report on Voldemort's activities to him. So I began my double life as a spy. One of the last missions that I was sent on, before Voldemort's last downfall, was to capture your mother. There were six of us involved. She led us on quite a chase. I thought, hoped, at one point that she'd escaped us, but then they found her outside the house on the cliff top. She was surrounded. Her only choices were to jump or surrender. She took the harder but braver path. I was there with the others. I watched her die, Evangeline."
The pain on her lovely face was suddenly too much for him. He abruptly turned away and leaned against the mantle once more, taking a deep breath before continuing. "The hardest part of all about being a spy is that in order to be useful, you can't give yourself away. There doesn't always seem to be a lot of difference between being one of them and pretending to be one of them. Sometimes you have to do horrible things in the name of the greater good. Too often you can't interfere when you know you should, even though you desperately want to. The irony is that although I wanted to save your mother, I didn't try because I couldn't risk giving myself away; when, just a few months later, Voldemort was gone anyway, thanks to the love of another mother, and a small boy. You don't know how I prayed he was gone for good, but we could never be sure. So I could never completely give up my image of living on the edge of the dark side. Sadly, it was the right choice."
Reluctantly he turned back, looked at Evangeline standing there in that beautiful gown, and tried to commit the image to memory. He believed without a doubt that she'd turn and flee from him at any moment. "I'm so very sorry, Evangeline. I've lived a life of horrors and cruelty. I'm not a nice man, nor a kind or forgiving one. You deserve much better than me."
Tears coursed down Evangeline's cheeks, and she sighed deeply. "So much pain. Some must be sacrificed so that others may live. My mother knew this. That's why she jumped. You couldn't have stopped her, Severus, even if you'd tried to. Hasn't it ever occurred to you, that of all the lives marked for sacrifice in the name of others, none is more likely to be lost than your own? A spy is always expendable. You risk everything for people who distrust you. That makes you better than nice or kind. That makes you noble, and honorable, and very brave. How do you live with the fact that in the eyes of so many of your colleagues, your life is worth less than theirs?"
"It's no better than I deserve," he said in a cold and bitter voice. "It's the life I chose. They didn't choose it for me. It's too late to change anything. I don't regret the difficulty of my life, only the pain I've caused. My life should be worth less than Dumbledore's or McGonagall's or Flitwick's. People who've never strayed from the path of light."
Evangeline sighed, suddenly feeling cold and very tired. Disheartened, she turned around, walked back to the desk, retrieved her robe, and put it on. Then she turned a pale face back to Severus. "Truly bad people don't agonize over the pain they cause. Your conscience is too highly developed, Severus. You take responsibility for things over which you had no control. Did you know why the Death Eaters were sent after my mother? Did Voldemort tell his minions why?"
Snape gave a short harsh laugh. "No, the Dark Lord never bothers with explanations, only orders."
"When I came here, I asked Professor Dumbledore not to tell anyone exactly why I came, and why I suspected the Death Eaters were after me, as they came after my mother. Apparently, he's kept his word if even his most trusted spy doesn't have the information. We wizards and witches think we're so powerful, Dumbledore, the most powerful of all of us. He can set wards, and charms, and protective spells on this castle and keep anyone out whom he doesn't want in. Anyone but me, because I can use a door that no one else can. A door that Voldemort somehow discovered and wants to use. A door that Dumbledore has still not found a way to lock, despite months of trying. He told me that he's going to start to let a few others in on the secret soon so he can get their help in this matter, so I guess I can tell you about it. I'm sure he would soon anyway."
Evangeline turned and walked into Snape's bedroom. "Severus, come here, please. I want to show you something."
Unsure what she wanted, he joined her in the center of the room and watched her questioningly. She spread her arms wide.
"If you were given a choice, would you join your alchemist in his laboratory, brewing up mystery and riches? Or would you step into the back of the darkened auditorium, and let the beauty of the voice of your opera singer wash over you?"
Confused by her question, he shook his head. "I'm sorry, Evangeline. I don't understand what you're asking me."
Her face creased in a weary, somewhat sad smile. "Take my hand, Severus, and you'll understand." She reached out her hand for his, and he took it, still not understanding her meaning. As their hands met, she clasped his firmly, stepped towards his bed, and extended her free hand to touch his smaller painting.
Suddenly he felt a hard wrenching, similar to that caused by a Portkey in operation. How could someone have turned his painting into a Portkey? Who could have done this? As his mind reeled with questions, he found himself exactly where he'd often daydreamed of being. He was in the back of a darkened auditorium filled with song emanating from the shining figure on the stage in front of him. In his fantasies, this woman was always the goal of his expedition into escapism, but now he couldn't take his eyes off the woman in black who stood next to him and held his hand so tightly. How had she done it? They were actually inside his painting.