a/n: First off, if you notice a difference in the writing style of this chapter, blame it on the fact that the Joiner is writing this chapter with help from Polei (as opposed to vise-versa.) Second, if we reach 75 reviews by the time Polei returns from camp, we will update with chapter 6 sooner . . . maybe. Third, all licensed characters belong to their respective creators and we own . . . well, the furniture, at least.
Evil-Auditor-Type-Thing-Whatever: Actually, you forgot to pay your taxes this year, so now we own the furniture.
a/n: D'oh!
* * * * * * * * * * *
(Scene opens on the audience, which is oddly quiet. As the camera zooms in, we can see the reason: a team of Death Eaters is patrolling the isles, pointing wands at noises, casting spells at sounds, and generally making @$$es of themselves. As the shot rotates to the center stage, we can see what the performers are doing: Harry is getting his face force-fed to him by Ron at wizard's chess, Hermione and Scott are giving Hedwig the workout of her life sending love notes to each other non-stop, and Draco is looking bored, embarrassed, and sulky all at the same time – which is no mean feat, especially when you consider that he's been doing it the whole show. As the camera zooms in on Scott, he looks up from yet another love letter and puts on a big, fake smile.)
Scott: (Nervously) Hello and welcome back to Whose Line is it Anyway – Harry Potter Edition. As you may have noticed, the Death Eaters are patrolling the Studio. Do not be alarmed, they are merely looking for the person who suggested that Draco be named Acts Like a Valley Girl Man in the first game. Have no fear, they merely wish to . . . *looks behind him, camera zooms up to where Lucius Malfoy is sitting up in the audience, pointing a wand at Scott's head.*
Lucius: (Low) Congratulate him for such a brilliant and witty comment by . . . *notices camera* um . . . er . . . ee . . . aw, forget it. DRACO, DADDY WILL SAVE YOUR HONOR. YIB YIB HI HONKIN' WECAL MAKER!
Draco: (Shamefacedly) Of all the people who had to have a terminally insane father, why did it have to be me?
Hermione: Do you want a list, or the short version?
Draco: (Bitterly) Oh, shut up, you stupid Mudblood. *gets zapped by Scott*
Harry: Where is Voldemort, anyway?
Ron: At his weekly "Paranoid Parents Anonymous" Meeting, where else.
Scott: (Hurriedly) Moving right along now, our next game is called "Irish Drinking Song." This is for all four contestants. *Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Draco walk down to the stage* They have to make up an Irish drinking song on the spot with the help of Lee Jordan on piano and Cho Chang on guitar. What I need from the audience is the name of something or someone who annoys you as much as the Death Eaters.
Death Eaters: HEY!
Amuro Ray: The Duchy of Zeon!
Donkey Kong: Me no like Kremlings!
Gandalf the White: Balrogs!
Everyone: Britney Spears!
Albus Dumbledore: The wait for the fifth Harry Potter book!
Scott: Perfect, so when you hear the music, start the "Wait for the Fifth Harry Potter Book" Irish drinking song.
(Music starts.)
All: Ohhhhhh aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Harry: We're waiting outside in the rain,
Ron: For Harry Potter five.
Hermione: At the rate it is taking,
Draco: We may not be alive.
Harry: No one knows when it will come out,
Ron: It remains a mystery.
Hermione: The latest estimate we have,
Draco: Is in two thousand three!
All: Ohhhhhh aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Ron: The title of the fifth book,
Hermione: Is Order of the Phoenix.
Draco: It will be truly tragic,
Harry: You'll need a pack of Kleenex.
Ron: The whole world has been waiting,
Hermione: Since right after book four.
Draco: If Rowling doesn't finish soon,
Harry: We will knock down her door!
All: Ohhhhhh aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Hermione: She has been working forever,
Draco: On that accursed book.
Harry: No one has even seen it,
Ron: Not even a quick look.
Hermione: The way this has been shaping up,
Draco: This wait will never end.
Harry: And those of us who have no life,
Ron: Will lose their only friend!
All: Ohhhhhh aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye!
Draco: If the book doesn't come out soon,
Harry: I don't know what I'll do.
Ron: Maybe I will have to
Hermione: Start living in a zoo.
Draco: The madness is beginning,
Harry: We don't know what to do
Ron: So J. K. Rowling
Hermione: We are out for you!
All: Ohhhhhh aye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye di dye! Ohhhhhh aye di dye di dye di dye di dye - di dye - di dye!
Scott: That was great! 1,000 points to Harry for leading off the song, 2,000 points to Ron for winning the chess game, 100,000 points to Hermione for . . . well . . . look, if you can't guess by now, go talk with your parents, and negative 5,000 points to Draco for being Lucius' son.
Draco: *sniff*
[Commercial]
(Scene opens on a Quidditch game between Gryffindor and Slytherin, with Gryffindor in the lead. As the Quaffle is tossed back and forth between the players, the camera zooms down and focuses on a flash of gold, obviously the Golden Snitch. Suddenly, the Snitch zooms off and the camera focuses on the reasons why: Seekers Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy. As the two follow the Snitch's winding trail, something catches Draco's eye: a delicious bottle of ice cold, refreshing butterbeer. He looks between the two, obviously making a hard decision, then breaks off from following the Snitch, and swoops down, grabbing the bottle then retreating to the sky. As he opens the bottle and enjoys the tantalizing flavor, loud angry yells are heard from the side. As he looks up, he sees the rest of the Slytherin Quidditch team bearing down on him from the sides, all with murder in their eyes. Cut to black.)
Voice: Got butterbeer?