"Eddy, you dog!" Eddy winked at his reflection as he adjusted the lapels on his leisure suit. "You got the looks, you got the charm – is there anything you haven't got?"
Well…he didn't have an escape route, that was for sure. He'd long since given up on the cul-de-sac idiots getting him out; without him to run the show they obviously couldn't even handle something THAT simple. And from the inside, escape was getting tougher by the minute - he grumbled at the steel plate now bolted over the air vent on his ceiling. Sneaking through the ductwork had worked so well that time at Rolf's – but then, Rolf didn't know him as well as his parents did.
Oh well. His parents could never stop him; they could only slow him down. He could wait if he had to.
And in the meantime he had all the cool junk in his closet to root through for entertainment. Still wearing the leisure suit, he pushed past a balled-up pile of vintage clothing he'd already tried on, and made his way back to the box that housed some of his really GOOD stuff.
He blew the dust off the lid and opened it. His very favorite item was right on top. "Come to Papa!" Eddy reverently took out the quarter and breathed in the aroma of cold, hard cash, but quickly pulled away – all these years later his first scammed loot still smelled like Ed's pockets.
Ed, of course, had been his first scam victim. It was kismet. While his new friend was showing him around his basement room for the first time, Eddy had snuck deep into the closet and dragged out an old green jacket packed away in mothballs for the summer. The sci-fi posters on Ed's walls inspired him to shake it off and present it to the big lug, claiming he'd found it at a UFO crash site and that it was made of laser-proof space-lizard hide. Ed begged to buy it from him and Eddy gleefully accepted – selling someone their own clothes wasn't a bad way to start a friendship!
Of course, Ed's parents had stopped giving him allowance shortly after that. Eddy snorted. Like ol' Burrhead had gotten a bad deal – wasn't he still wearing that jacket to this day? Well, money or no, Eddy had recognized the usefulness of having the big gullible oaf on his side, and had let Ed hang out with him ever since. It wasn't a bad set-up.
Returning to the chest, he found his first report card – that C he'd given himself in Art was a stroke of genius, his parents didn't care about such sissy junk and yet it'd given him something to point to when they'd questioned the card's authenticity. And here was his first fake driver's license – okay, so people had found that more cute than convincing; five years old probably was a little young for a stunt like that. Maybe he oughta give it another try now that he looked so much older…
He briefly wondered where he'd put his folks' old camera, but the thought evaporated as he pulled the next item out of the chest.
He grinned. Double-D's first invention for one of his scams! It looked pretty simple compared to some of the stuff he did these days but it was unmistakably his work.
Spinning the pinwheel 'Safety Indicator' fixed atop the device, Eddy thought back to the day he'd discovered it. He'd seen 'Eddward' around before – always alone, usually taking notes and muttering to himself about whatever lame experiment he was doing at the time – but had never had much use for him, since the only time he'd tried to scam him he'd been presented with an itemized list of grammatical and logical errors he'd made in his spiel, along with a recommendation of books to help him 'overcome' these problems.
This day was different, however. Eddy remembered watching as the quiet boy walked past with some strange, bug-filled device. Eddy's initial disgust gave way to curiosity when he saw him set it down and fiddle with the controls – seconds later, hundreds more bugs had scurried over to join those already caught. Eddy's mind flooded with cash-making possibilities – people hated ants; if they caught a whole bunch in that thing they could sneak them into someone's house, then get paid big bucks to get rid of them, using the very same device! It couldn't lose!
Eddy wasn't sure if Double-D had been intimidated or flattered by his wheedling attentions – probably both – but either way he'd nervously agreed, and the rest was history. Of course, the scam didn't come off as planned – between Ed eating all the ants he could, and Double-D's hesitant but delaying protests, they'd never gotten any suckers to bite. Still, Double-D had gotten the founding population for that ant farm of his, and Eddy had gotten a much-needed egghead – and even Ed had gotten a full belly – so all in all, things had worked out pretty good.
Eddy carefully returned the bug-trap to the chest, wondering as he did so why he bothered keeping the thing at all. Not for sappy sentimental reasons, of course – nothing frilly like that! - but it was probably good to have in case he ever needed to remind Double-D just who'd saved his booky butt by letting him join the coolest group in the cul-de-sac. Those egghead types were useful, but they could get pushy if you didn't have a thing or two to keep them in line.
Yeah, that had to be it. Good thing Eddy was such a natural leader. "Eddy, my man, you got the looks, you got the charm, AND you got the leadership – is there anything you haven't got?"
The answer, obviously, was no.
*****
Edd lay back in the grass and closed his eyes, letting his thoughts drift as lazily as the creek splashing along nearby. After his rather unpleasant experiences of the morning he thought it was time to indulge in a little well-deserved solitude.
The sound of approaching footsteps suggested that somebody disagreed with those sentiments. He sighed, wondering who other than Eddy or Ed would actually bother to seek him out. No doubt somebody wanted something fixed. Well, whoever it was, surely they would respect his desire to be left in peace for just a little –
Every muscle in his body contracted at once as a horridly familiar chorus of giggles met his ears.
"Well, well, if it ain't the runt of the litter." Lee grinned dully, a bull who'd just discovered a new china shop. "And just where are your friends? You Eds always travel in packs!" Cupping her hands to her mouth, she bellowed, "You can't hide forever, Eddy!"
Marie knocked her sister out of the way with a well-timed hip swing. "Who cares about that little loudmouth – we've got the shy one!" She winked – or perhaps she was only blinking, it was difficult to be certain with just the one eye visible – and made kissy lips at Edd. "He's so cute…"
Lee, Marie, and May Kanker fanned out around Edd, arms wide and lips puckered. Edd glanced over his shoulder but the creek blocked any hope of escape. "Ladies, please!" Sweating profusely, he backed up to preserve as much distance between himself and the Kankers as possible. "N-now surely you must realize this is simply intolerable! Not that I'm not…f-flattered…that you're so deeply enamored of me," he added quickly, continuing his retreat as they continued their advance, "but wouldn't it be a refreshing change if just this once you were to temper your libidinous onslaught with some modicum of self-restraint?"
The three stopped dead and exchanged looks. "Lib-id-in…?" "Mod-ic…?"
Lee scowled. Faster than Edd could react, she caught hold of his hat and dragged him close. "What did you just say?" If bears could talk – if really angry bears could talk – they'd sound just like that. "If you're making fun of us…" Her breath reminded him of a fuzzy pile of franks and beans he'd recently discovered at Ed's.
Edd struggled as she raised her other hand in a fist, but at that moment May pulled him away. "I think he's talking French, Lee!" She spun around with him. "That's the language of loovvve!"
Marie dealt May a punishing uppercut. "Hands off, this one's mine!" May dropped Edd to the ground and leapt headfirst at her sister.
"May! Marie!" Lee stomped over, cracking her knuckles. "You two fight like girls! Do I need to teach you how to throw a real punch?" She jumped into the fray with a grunt.
Too shaky to stand, Edd crawled along the ground, hoping to make good his escape before the combatants noticed.
No such luck. "Hey!" May stopped in mid-swing and pointed. "Marie, can't you keep your husband in line? He's getting away!"
"Not for long!" Marie landed on his back with enough force to knock all the air out of him. As he gasped for breath, she leaned her head against his. "Hiya, sweet stuff, didja miss me?"
Edd scrabbled at the ground, desperately trying to claw his way to freedom, but he was going nowhere. If only he were as strong as Ed he could get away…
Wait a minute. Why in heaven's name was he trying to escape through physical means? He was supposed to be the smart one, wasn't he? Different talents called for different tactics.
He forced himself to be still. "Why, h-how could I fail to miss you, Marie? And-and naturally Ed and Eddy have both missed your sisters!"
"Big Ed!" May knocked Marie off his back and hoisted Edd to his feet. "Where is he, Double-D?"
"Yeah, and where's my little weasel of love?"
"Well, they're both…in the creek! They're…uh…going for a swim?" Nobody questioned this, so he went on. "I'm sure they would be delighted if you were to go find them."
May squealed and ran over to the bank. Lee followed at a more leisurely pace. "Hmmph, I don't see nothing." She turned back around, fists clenched. "You wouldn't lie to us, would you?"
"M-me? Why, I never lie!" Sometimes unbroken bones were more important than a perfectly clear conscience, even Edd had to admit. "They must be underwater – look closely, now!" He ducked as Marie made a grab for him. "Excuse me, Marie, but why don't you go aid your sisters? I'm sure they'd appreciate your assistance…"
"Yeah, Marie, get your can over here! Who says you get all the fun?"
Marie grumblingly obeyed Lee's command. Soon all three were lined up along the bank, peering into the water. Edd considered pushing them in but dismissed the thought immediately. He certainly wasn't suicidal.
Besides, he had a better idea. He ransacked his pockets for potential building materials, then snatched up as much grass as he could and began weaving it together as quickly as possible.
"Ah, give it up, girls, they're not there!" Marie rolled her eye and turned back towards Edd. "Quit stallin, cutie, I – hey, what's that?" She eyed the small, box-shaped bundle now lying on the ground before Edd.
"Oh, this?" Edd clasped his hands and gave a nervous smile. "It's a present – from my friends and me, t-to the three you, with our regards!"
"A present!" May pulled her head out of the water and ran over, shaking off like a dog. Lee and Marie joined her. "What is it, Double-D?"
"Why, o-open it and find out!" Edd hoped the Kankers didn't notice that he was backing farther and farther away. Whether this worked or not, he'd need a good head start.
Lee shoved her sisters back with one hand and reached for the box with the other. Edd couldn't bear to watch…
Success! Lee's touch instantly triggered the spring-loaded mechanism he'd concealed within, and all three girls shouted as the innocuous-looking box expanded to engulf them. In milliseconds they were trapped in a thick grass net, reinforced with some copper wire he'd still had in his pocket from his experiment with Rolf's goat.
The Kankers roared and tore at the traitorous grass. Edd allowed himself a brief flush of pride, but there was no time to truly savor the victory. Reinforced or not, the net couldn't possibly last long – and he knew he'd last an even shorter time once they escaped.
After a quick mental pat on the back, Edd turned and ran for his life. He might pay for that little trick eventually, but for now he was free. He planned to enjoy that freedom as far from the Kanker sisters as possible.