Disclaimer: I don't own HP or any of these characters. That belongs to JKR, Scholastic Books, Warner Brothers, etc. This is just something to pass the time while waiting for the next book.
Part II : A Loaded Conversation
Hermione blinked her eyes rapidly, trying to accustom them to the morning's light. Considering how many drinks she had consumed, it was surprising that she wasn't having more problems with her vision. On that line of thought, it was surprising that she did not have a hangover. She supposed that the answer to that mystery was that shock was the best cure for one. And she had most definitely had a shock this morning. Hermione still couldn't believe that she had actually slept with Harry. Yes, she had often dreamed about him reciprocating her feelings and them being together in every single possible way, but she had also known better. He didn't like her like that.
There was nothing she could do to change that. No one was ever given a guarantee in life that the one you loved would love you back.
Hermione sighed. She just hoped that he had not stomped out of the room angrily. She would have heard that, right?
Her eyes gave her the answer as her vision came into focus. He hadn't left the room. He was still there, sitting on the edge of the bed.
Once again, she was struck at how handsome he had become. There was a time when all of them thought that Harry would always be skinny and scrawny. She herself had put that up to him having to fight his pig of a cousin for food over at the Dursleys' house. No one was more astonished when he had come back for their sixth year. Harry had finally entered his growth spurt. While he never became as tall as Ron, he was considerably broader in the chest and in Hermione's opinion, had the much finer physique. It didn't help that Hermione also thought that midnight hair and emerald eyes was a much more dreamier combination than red hair with blue eyes. She would have lost hours just staring at him if it were not for her determination to let her feelings show.
Hermione shook her head. In terms of keeping her pride, this was not going well. She had been staring at Harry like a lovesick fool for the past five minutes now. She had to stop playing the fool and start trying to find a way to talk her way out of this situation. Sighing, she directed her gaze at Harry's face.
What she saw in his eyes completely startled her. She did not know what exactly to expect—perhaps confusion or anger. Maybe even a slight lingering trace of lust. She had never thought that she would meet his eyes and see such abject fear in them.
Harry was afraid.
Yet again, Hermione's mind was not up to dealing with the realities of this morning. Harry was afraid. What did he have to be scared of? There was nothing here that could hurt him. All of that was in the past. He had nothing to be afraid of here. Why was he afraid?
Then the answer came to her. He was afraid of her. He was scared to death of what her reaction might be, of what she might do. The poor boy actually thought that she would be angry at him! She was not upset at him. There was no reason for her to be mad at him. Her memory was clear on who had started everything and if anything, he should be upset at her.
She couldn't let him go on laboring under such a gross misconception, especially not when he was looking at her like that. She sat up, tucking her knees under her and bringing up the blanket to cover her chest. Looking directly into his eyes, she said, "I'm not mad, Harry."
He blinked childishly at her, as if he could not wrap his mind around the words she had said. "You're not?" he asked.
She sighed and reached out a hand to him to beckon him closer to her. He moved from his seat at the edge of the bed to sit down right beside her. He was so close to her. Hermione gave in to her desire to touch him and framed his face with both her hands.
She spoke her next words very slowly, carefully enunciating each syllable as if speaking to a child. "I'm not angry at you. I have no reason to be mad, Harry."
"But we—that is me and you, we—" Harry turned his face away from her and dropped his eyes from hers as he floundered about for the right words to say.
Hermione dropped her hands to her side before stating the cold truth for him. "We had sex together." That's right, she thought to herself, keep it clinical. You didn't sleep together, you had sex together. Besides, saying you slept together was just too romantic—taking advantage of your best friend when he was drunk does not qualify for such a phrase.
Harry blushed at her blunt word choice. "I wouldn't have put it that way," he said.
Raising an eyebrow at him, she replied, "Would you have chosen a more coarser phrase then?"
Harry smiled at that and Hermione could feel her heart doing somersaults at the sight. However, his smile quickly faded away. "But it was wrong. I shouldn't have let it happen."
"It's not your fault, Harry. If I remember correctly, I kissed you first." Hermione turned red at that confession.
He shook his head. "That doesn't matter. I should have stopped it. I knew perfectly well that you wanted to wait and yet I wasn't strong enough to stop it."
She closed her eyes at his words. Was it any wonder that she loved him? Most men would find it hard to resist that kiss she gave him, especially in an inebriated condition. That was no mere peck on the mouth. It had been a full-blown snog with her insistently pressing her body close to his. It still made her hot to think of that kiss and of how eagerly he had responded to her. In her most precious dreams, he always responded to her kisses, as if he could not get enough of them. Last night would have been a dream come true if only she didn't have to face the truth of everything in the morning.
When she opened her eyes again, she saw him looking at her worriedly. She could tell that he still believed that he was to blame and she didn't know what would convince him otherwise. Nonetheless she had to try. She loved him to well to let him go on feeling so guilty without doing a thing.
"Harry, you're not to blame. It's not as if you went out purposefully to get me drunk. If anyone is to blame, it's me for starting the whole thing. You say you should have been strong enough to stop it—well I should have been strong enough never to start it. And how could I be angry at you? Look at you—you're putting all the blame on yourself, but you're not running away from anything. You're here with me and I can't tell you how much that means to me."
*****
Harry would have bet that Hermione would have exploded at him as soon as she realized what had happened. He would have been ecstatic if she had merely stalked away angrily, with a few words to the effect that they would talk later.
He was simply speechless at the fact that not only was she not angry at him, but she seemed to think that if anyone was to blame it was herself. He was so grateful that she hadn't said anything along the lines of never wishing to see him again. He didn't think that he would have been able to stand that. He just knew that he would have broken down into tears at those words.
Harry knew the words he should say now even though he had never spoken to anyone who had been in this situation. Still some things were so obvious that you didn't have to be taught what you should do—you just know what was appropriate. So just about now, he should smile tentatively at her and suggest that it was both their fault. That they should just stop blaming each other and try to put all of this behind them. That no matter what may happen they would always be friends because they had been through too much together to lose that.
The only problem was that Harry didn't want to say any of that.
Yes, he valued Hermione's friendship more than anything else. Yes, there was no way he wanted to lose that. But just the same, it was not all right. He didn't want to try to put this out of his mind and act as if nothing had happened. He didn't want to be just friends anymore.
Harry sighed. It would be so easy to imagine that her last words to him meant more than she intended. You're here with me and I can't tell you how much that means to me, she had said. It was so easy to tack on three extra words to that sentence. He didn't even have to try to imagine hearing her say I love you. In his mind, she said it all the time. This was one of the few times in his life that he knew perfectly well what he wanted.
He wanted her. He didn't want he just like he had her last night, although that had been most pleasant. He wanted her while knowing that she wanted him almost as much as he did her. He wanted her by his side, knowing that he loved her so much. He wanted her always with him, joined in love, together in spirit always even when they were far apart.
The only way he could get that was if he risked it all and told her how he felt. That was frightening. If he couldn't have her, then he at least wanted her friendship. Harry did not know what he would do without her. He had taken her for granted so long but it was clear to him now just how much he needed her and her faith in him.
Still he should have at least as much faith in her as she did in him. They had been the closest of friends for the longest time. He should have faith in that friendship and its ability to see anything through. He might now get what he wanted most, but at the very least, they would remain best friends. He would have said the words. It wasn't what he should do but it was what he needed to do.
He glanced up to see her gazing expectantly at him. It was now or never. He had to give voice to what he had kept hidden in his heart for all too long.
"I love you."
Author's note—This chapter was getting a tad too long so I thought I would stop there. Anyway, I do hope that you liked it. Please leave a review to let me know what you think—whether it's good or bad. Thank you.
Also thanks so much to everyone who reviewed the last chapter—
Animagus-Steph—Thanks so much for leaving the review. Am
v. happy to know that you liked the first part.
HP/HG Lover—Absolutely love your nickname. And while I
would like to think that Harry has already noticed Hermione, I don't hold
out much hope. He wasn't in the best of shape at the end of GoF and
also he can be a bit daft at times. Like in his conversation with
Vicky about how it doesn't mean a thing that they spend so much time together
and that she's always talking about him because they're just friends.
Yeah right—as if we believe that. ^_-
He-who-must-not-be-named—The last chapter was not a cliffie.
That points to above chapter> was a cliffie. Although I don't
think it should count as one if I get the next chapter out within a week.
MythX—Actually, it was never my intention to do a two-chapter
story. I always had intended to go significantly beyond that, but
if you like I can just stop here. =P
Sandeep Patil—I suppose considering that ff.net has around 34,000
HP fics, it would be inevitable that someone has done the morning after
scenario before. *sigh* Oh well. Anyway, it's good to
know that you liked this one.
Nappa—Me, write angst? Nevah! =) Seriously, I had never
intended for them just to leave the room without saying anything.
That would not have been keeping in line with my view of their characters.
Besides, as trite and clichéd as this fic already is, I simply refuse
to let it to become so bad as to follow the tired old plot line of: H/Hr
sleep together, next day both are embarrassed and think that the other
is upset, they don't speak for several years during which we see lots of
Harry angst, and about twelve years later, while teaching DADA at Hogwarts,
Harry runs into a messy-browned hair, green-eyed kid named James Granger.
Yeah right! Just gag me with a spoon!
Err—sorry bout the valley moment there. Got a tad bit carried
away there. *sigh* My first version of this fic was almost
as bad as the above—let's just say Hermione didn't have sex before marriage
and they were in Lost Wages with a rather important slip of paper on the
floor. smirk> Although, it's not too late for that considering
that neither one of them has looked at the floor yet.
Finally, a big THANK YOU to the following for their reviews:
Heaven, Seiryuu, apostrophe, Ryoko Blue,
shanm,
Blanche Dubois, leogrl, Wondergirl,
Kristin,
ChrisMiss, Max, BlazingUnknown, May and Rain.
I'm so sorry for not responding individually, but I want to get this
chapter up before I have to go to sleep. Honto ni gomen nasai.
But thank you thank you thank you for leaving reviews—words
cannot express how much I appreciate it.