Eternity Knot

Chapter 4

By Sakata Ri Houjun

Content: Houjun's past revealed...

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The scenery certainly had changed in the past couple of days, the cold and rocky terrain of Hokkan giving way to the sandy flatness of the deserts of Sairo. It seemed that the mood of the Shichiseishi had changed just as much as the landscape. The initial excitement of the quest to find the shinzaho had long since faded. The atmosphere surrounding their camp these days was heavy with their depleted hopes and weary souls.

Even though life seemed to go on as they continued their journey, Houjun could see it. He could sense this dark impression created by the absence of one of their own. And now, their miko was missing as well and Tamahome had taken off to find her. So four remained to continue their search but the loss was taking its toll.

Especially on Tasuki who had been trying to hide the uneasiness behind a false smile and forced laughter. But Houjun could see the pain there behind the twin embers of gold that were always so expressive, proclaiming just how deeply this loss had affected him during the quiet moments around the campfire. It seemed that the bandit was attempting to convince himself that it didn't hurt so much, Nuriko's death.

And he couldn't say that his death didn't deal him just as harsh a blow. Houjun knew that should his family die, he would never recover, their loss would be too much for him to bear. But to feel Nuriko's life force ripped so violently from his own soul left him speechless and frozen in his tracks.

The strange thing was that Houjun couldn't cry as they buried their comrade. There was no one to recite a sutra or perform last rites, but the group had managed to lay Nuriko to rest with as much honor as a fallen Suzaku Shichiseishi deserved. And he couldn't even shed a tear, even when hearing Miaka's denials and Tasuki falling apart.

Now here they were, far from the violet-haired seishi's grave, on the very borders of Sairo where it was still chilly at night. Houjun sat in his tent on the mound of blankets with a pensive frown as he mulled over these changes. This was not why they had set out to Hokkan or Sairo. This was not why he left his wife and daughter. What would happen to them should he be the next to fall?

It was then the cerulean-haired seishi heard a slight crunching outside his tent, as if someone were approaching through the sandy gravel of the desert they were traversing. The sound stopped just outside his tent but the visitor did nothing more. Houjun could tell who it was, recognizing the shuffling footsteps.

You can come in, Tasuki, he offered after the bandit remained silent a moment more. The flap of cloth that was the entrance to the tent was pushed aside and the redhead entered.

Without looking at the older man, he crawled over and plopped down amongst the blankets, legs crossed and hands upon his ankles, looking down. Houjun noticed the youth's slouching posture and knew why Tasuki had visited him tonight.

Finally, the younger man heaved a deep sigh and looked up to flash Houjun a grin. Just another one of those sleepless nights, huh?

The cerulean-haired seishi shook his head. He had noticed the wetness streaking Tasuki's cheeks that belied his words. The bandit was still in mourning for their friend, was still having a hard time dealing with Nuriko's death.

Tasuki, you don't have to pretend for my sake.

Tasuki laughed. W-who's pretending? I can't sleep. I honestly can't fucking sleep.

I know. You have slept at all since it happened, have you?

The bandit seemed a bit shocked at the accusation and shook his head. I dunno what you're talking about. But his voice was rough and broken, revealing the torrent of emotions that he was fighting.

Houjun moved closer to his friend and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. It's okay to be afraid to let go. I understand.

Tasuki met his gaze. How could you understand? You didn't even fucking cry like the rest of us, even when we buried him. You don't care and never did! The only thing you worry about is your precious family!

The older man winced at his words and closed his eyes as he sighed. He then drew away and wrapped his arms around his knees in a childlike gesture, almost seeming to protect himself, while Tasuki continued to watch, suddenly feeling remorseful for his hastily spoken words.

Gods, Chichiri. I-I didn't mean

Houjun shook his head. I felt his loss just as strongly as anyone else. But I can't cry because all my tears had long since been shed.

Can't cry? What are you saying?

I'm saying, Tasuki, that as I sat there that day, piling snow on Nuriko's grave, and I felt so broken inside. But I couldn't cry, not anymore.

The bandit scooted closer to his friend, realizing that the older seishi was about to reveal something important, something that required his whole attention, certain that this confession was going to cost Chichiri a part of himself.

Six years ago, something unbearable happen to me, something that no one person should ever have to experience.

What happened?

Just along the border between Konan and Kutou, you would have found the quiet village where I grew up. There was a beautiful river that flowed peacefully nearby, except during monsoon season, but we were blissfully unaware of the potential danger.

I had two dear friends, one like a brother and the other was the woman whom I was to marry. However, I happened to find the pair locked in an unmistakable embrace the day before my wedding. When I found my fiancée again, she broke off our engagement in tears. I felt so betrayed and hurt, believing that the whole time I loved her that she was in love with him.

I felt like turning my back on her and leaving, never wanting to believe in this treachery. But something else compelled me to seek out the truth, even if it hurt. So I gathered her up in my arms and asked why. Do you know what she told me?

Tasuki shook his head.

Houjun smiled. She said that she couldn't marry me because she had been unfaithful to our love, that she didn't deserve to be with me after letting another man kiss her. I was elated and so relieved. She wasn't at fault.

But my friend The cerulean-haired man frowned as he continued, I hunted him down in anger for attempting to ruin my happiness. It was monsoon season at the time and I found him on the bank of the river. He was remorseful for his folly and was contemplating suicide because he didn't want to live if I hated him so for falling in love with her.

I remember in that moment that I didn't want to lose him, no matter how much he had betrayed me. I coaxed him away from the water's edge and promised to work things out, the three of us, because I loved him too.

Houjun sighed as he closed his eyes. We were walking back to our home when we heard a sound Ill never forget for as long as I shall live.

What sound was that? Tasuki asked, captivated by his friend's tale.

I cannot find the words to portray what I heard. Like the crash of thunder, the clashing of armor, the falling of a great tree, the roar of a tiger He shook his head. Impossible to describe.

What was it? The bandit's heart was racing as he tried to imagine what Chichiri had described.

Not long after my friend and I left the bank did a torrent of water come rushing through the mountains and flooded the river. The resulting wave had crashed over our village, killing most everyone instantly. Those who had not been granted a quick death were slowly being dragged away by the current.

My friend and I watched helplessly as everyone we knew perished before our eyes. I was frozen to the spot in fear with the sudden and unexpected loss of my family and friends.

And the girl?

My friend spotted her fighting against the current. He dove in, yelling at me that he would save her so that she and I could both have the happiness we deserved. I continued to watch even as the waters began to drag them both down, seemingly powerless to even lend a hand. That was, until I heard them both crying out my name.

Without hesitation, I dove in and swam until I reached them. It was futile, really. I didn't have the strength to save myself let alone them. We all were being pulled under, all refusing to let go. I remember quite clearly as my lungs filled with water that I wished that I had the power to save the two people I loved, even if it cost me my life.

And then? Tasuki was clinging to Chichiri's every word, wondering how this story would end.

Nothing. The next thing I was aware of was the rain pelting my face as I lay on my back with the two of them peering at me with concerned expressions. I felt so tired and drained as I sat up to ask what had happened. They told me that just as we went under, we had been surrounded by a red glow and they found themselves here with me unconscious.

Houjun traced a finger subconsciously across his right knee as he continued, I knew of my destiny as a Shichiseishi, but I had no idea that I could be capable of such power. I managed to save the two of them, but what about my family, my friends, or the hundreds of others who had died? Why didn't I save them, help them?

He clenched his fists. It would be a week before I stopped crying. We were saved by some passing monks who took us in for the time being. Both of my friends respected my need for privacy as I wallowed in my guilt, never eating and only sleeping when I happened to pass out from sheer exhaustion.

But you married the girl, Kouran, right?

And my friend, Hikou, was there to support us every step of the way, even though it was difficult. You see, eventually I had come to realize that despite the great loss I had suffered, I wasn't alone. I had the woman I loved and my best friend to share this burden with for they had lost just as much as I did. It was then that I promised myself that I'd never shed another tear for as long as I lived because I had cried enough.

Houjun looked up and met Tasuki's eyes with a small smile. You should remember that too. You're not alone in this loss, Tasuki. I'm here for you, as well as everyone else, and we know just how much you suffered because we felt it too.

Tasuki felt his face pull into a smile as well for he knew that Chichiri was right and, funny as it seemed, he found he too no longer felt the unfathomable loneliness in his grief prompting him to weep as it had before. He laughed abruptly at this realization. I guess I had no real reason to bawl like a child, huh?

Houjun shook his head. Iya. It is perfectly natural to mourn. We do it in our own ways. You simply needed an outlet for your strong emotions which is why I don't hold it against you for getting angry at me earlier. The older man stifled a yawn behind his hand, the outpouring of emotions finally taking its toll on his body.

Slowly, he uncurled from his position and lay down on the blankets, surprised that he should be so tired. Tasuki watched him for a moment and raised an eyebrow when Houjun smiled back at him. The redhead chuckled as he too yawned and then joined his friend.

Now it was Houjun's turn to raise an eyebrow as the bandit shifted until he was lying on his side and smirking at him. What? I ain't about to go outside in the cold to grope around in the dark for my damn tent. That is unless you plan on kicking me out.

I don't mind. You're welcome to stay here. Houjun closed his eyes and felt his body relax as he quickly slipped off into sleep.

Tasuki whispered as he inched closer to the older man. I had no intentions of leaving. He continued to watch until he knew Chichiri was asleep, fighting the fatigue raging through his own body as he observed the peaceful and relaxed expression on his friend's face. Then he leaned over and placed a light kiss on his cheek.

Arigatou, Chiri, he murmured as he smiled. You'll never know how much this truly means, but I'm glad you've got someone waiting for you that loves you. She's very lucky.

And he joined Chichiri in sleep, knowing that this was the closest he was ever going to get to him. But he would treasure it nonetheless forever.