Harry woke up with a start, trembling. It had all been a dream. . .just a
dream.
But it was always a dream.
One night he had dreamt that Snape had held him as he sobbed. But now the man was as cold as he always was, and it just seemed like a pleasant dream. Not that Harry had those in abundance. It had been too long since he had dreamt of his parents, in a nice way. The nightmares of them haunted him, and he couldn't put them out of his mind, however hard he tried.
******************
Snape watched the Potions class of Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws complete their potions well, for the most part. He was worried about Harry still. He wasn't putting on any weight at all, and barely spoke. Snape didn't want to think about how his relatives must have punished him for speaking out of turn, for the boy never said a word unless asked first.
"Okay, everyone, that will do for today. Clean out your cauldrons and get out!"
He stalked into the back room. As usual Harry was lying on his side, facing away from Snape.
"For Merlin's sake, Potter, please try and act as though you are at least half-alive!"
Harry flinched slightly and lowered his eyes which had darkened considerably.
"I'm sorry sir. What would you like me to do?"
Snape sighed.
"I want you to act like life means something to you!"
Bastard, bastard, bastard! What the hell should life mean to me? What do I have? I'm living with Snape, the Darkest Lord ever is trying to kill me, I have no friends and no family. And he has the nerve to tell me to act like I'm happy to be alive!
"Yes sir. Sorry sir."
Snape rolled his eyes. The boy wasn't so annoying now, as the fact he hadn't been throttled testified, but he still acted like a zombie and it annoyed Snape.
Interrupting his thoughts, there was a tap at the door. Malfoy; Snape could tell by the way he knocked.
"Come in"
Malfoy came in, with a smile at Snape. He was carrying a pile of parchment, and he gave it to Harry, who's eyes lit up at the sight of the closest thing he had to a friend.
"Hey Draco!"
"Hi. How are you feeling?"
"A bit better, thanks. . ."
As Harry handed Malfoy a pile of finished homework, Snape wondered when he had done that.
maybe you should spend some more time with him. Maybe you should give him something interesting to do?
*I'm not a bloody childminder!*
You were the one who volunteered to take him in. . .
Draco stayed for a few minutes and then had to leave for his next lesson. Harry grinned and waved after his blonde friend until he was out of sight.
********************
The second Draco rounded the corner he slammed his fist into the wall.
"Bloody Potter! Thinks he's so great. . .better than all of us normal mortals. . .it would serve him right if my Lord did crush him. . .he who controls all. . ."
Draco jumped as he heard the footsteps behind him.
"Your Lord, mister Malfoy? How. . .interesting. . ."
**********************
That evening, Snape cleared his throat as he entered his room.
Silence.
"Potter?"
Silence
He swished over to the bed, and shook the mattress. Nobody there.
The bathroom. . .was locked.
He sighed, thinking he would come back in a few moments, when Potter was finished. Then he thought again. . .
"Pot-Harry!"
He pressed his ear tot he door but all he could hear was ragged breathing.
"Come out now, or I'll blast this door down!"
"Okay, okay, calm down sir."
The boy's voice was slightly slurred.
There were staggering footsteps and the door opened. Harry looked. . .normal. . .if a little pale.
"Show me your arms!"
Harry winced at the angry tone, but rolled up his sleeves. His arms were crossed with scars, but no open cuts. Snape regarded him with emotionless black eyes for several moments. Then he gripped the top of Harry's arms hard. With a cry, Harry pulled away, his knees buckling. Snape could feel the warm blood under his fingers. Aware that his own hands were shaking slightly, he led Harry through to the main room where a fire was blazing.
He sat the thin boy in the chair and banished his robes and jumper. He was far too skinny, his ribs jutting out from the pale skin. The bruises and cuts from his uncle were only just fading. On the top of his arms were several long gashes which bled heavily.
Snape cast cleaning, healing and bandaging charms on them in silence and sat back on his heels, looking at Harry. They sat in silence for a few moments until Harry sighed slightly and shifted.
Snape tilted the boys head up with a long pale finger and stared into his eyes.
"Why did you do that, Harry?"
"I. . .don't really know, sir."
"Please, tell me the truth."
Harry was silent for a long moment.
"My bad dreams stay, and my good ones never last. There is blood in both of them. . .sometimes I can imagine that good things are even more solid than dreams. Anything good. . .that happens. . .is never real. . ."
"For instance. . .?"
Harry stuttered for a moment.
"Me coming here, when I was 11. But it's all shit now. Nobody likes me. Sirius, being my godfather. . .but he hates me too. . .and. . ."
"And what?"
"Nothing."
"What happened with your flea-bitt. . .Godfather?"
"I. . .he was cross. . .he misses my father. . ."
Snape sucked his breath in sharply. That idiot surely hadn't said. . .
"James should be alive instead of me."
"No! That's not true, Harry. You have just as much reason to be alive as anyone else."
Harry just stared at him, the green eyes looking remarkably snake-like in the flickering firelight.
It took Snape a good ten seconds to realise that Harry was crying. Tears rolled don his face, and blood issued from his mouth where he was biting his lip to stop himself sobbing.
Despite himself, Snape crossed over to Harry and hugged him again, this time the tiny body wrapping around him.
"I dreamt that you cared, sir. Please tell me it's true. . ."
Snape swallowed.
"sir?"
"Harry. . .I'm not capable of caring. I'm. . ."
He didn't get any further. Harry jumped up, and bolted.
"Harry! Harry, come back!"
"I can't get close," he murmered to himself, staring into the magical firelight. "Voldemort is going to kill anyone who I care for. In these times. . .there is only war and cumulation of wars."
But it was always a dream.
One night he had dreamt that Snape had held him as he sobbed. But now the man was as cold as he always was, and it just seemed like a pleasant dream. Not that Harry had those in abundance. It had been too long since he had dreamt of his parents, in a nice way. The nightmares of them haunted him, and he couldn't put them out of his mind, however hard he tried.
******************
Snape watched the Potions class of Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws complete their potions well, for the most part. He was worried about Harry still. He wasn't putting on any weight at all, and barely spoke. Snape didn't want to think about how his relatives must have punished him for speaking out of turn, for the boy never said a word unless asked first.
"Okay, everyone, that will do for today. Clean out your cauldrons and get out!"
He stalked into the back room. As usual Harry was lying on his side, facing away from Snape.
"For Merlin's sake, Potter, please try and act as though you are at least half-alive!"
Harry flinched slightly and lowered his eyes which had darkened considerably.
"I'm sorry sir. What would you like me to do?"
Snape sighed.
"I want you to act like life means something to you!"
Bastard, bastard, bastard! What the hell should life mean to me? What do I have? I'm living with Snape, the Darkest Lord ever is trying to kill me, I have no friends and no family. And he has the nerve to tell me to act like I'm happy to be alive!
"Yes sir. Sorry sir."
Snape rolled his eyes. The boy wasn't so annoying now, as the fact he hadn't been throttled testified, but he still acted like a zombie and it annoyed Snape.
Interrupting his thoughts, there was a tap at the door. Malfoy; Snape could tell by the way he knocked.
"Come in"
Malfoy came in, with a smile at Snape. He was carrying a pile of parchment, and he gave it to Harry, who's eyes lit up at the sight of the closest thing he had to a friend.
"Hey Draco!"
"Hi. How are you feeling?"
"A bit better, thanks. . ."
As Harry handed Malfoy a pile of finished homework, Snape wondered when he had done that.
maybe you should spend some more time with him. Maybe you should give him something interesting to do?
*I'm not a bloody childminder!*
You were the one who volunteered to take him in. . .
Draco stayed for a few minutes and then had to leave for his next lesson. Harry grinned and waved after his blonde friend until he was out of sight.
********************
The second Draco rounded the corner he slammed his fist into the wall.
"Bloody Potter! Thinks he's so great. . .better than all of us normal mortals. . .it would serve him right if my Lord did crush him. . .he who controls all. . ."
Draco jumped as he heard the footsteps behind him.
"Your Lord, mister Malfoy? How. . .interesting. . ."
**********************
That evening, Snape cleared his throat as he entered his room.
Silence.
"Potter?"
Silence
He swished over to the bed, and shook the mattress. Nobody there.
The bathroom. . .was locked.
He sighed, thinking he would come back in a few moments, when Potter was finished. Then he thought again. . .
"Pot-Harry!"
He pressed his ear tot he door but all he could hear was ragged breathing.
"Come out now, or I'll blast this door down!"
"Okay, okay, calm down sir."
The boy's voice was slightly slurred.
There were staggering footsteps and the door opened. Harry looked. . .normal. . .if a little pale.
"Show me your arms!"
Harry winced at the angry tone, but rolled up his sleeves. His arms were crossed with scars, but no open cuts. Snape regarded him with emotionless black eyes for several moments. Then he gripped the top of Harry's arms hard. With a cry, Harry pulled away, his knees buckling. Snape could feel the warm blood under his fingers. Aware that his own hands were shaking slightly, he led Harry through to the main room where a fire was blazing.
He sat the thin boy in the chair and banished his robes and jumper. He was far too skinny, his ribs jutting out from the pale skin. The bruises and cuts from his uncle were only just fading. On the top of his arms were several long gashes which bled heavily.
Snape cast cleaning, healing and bandaging charms on them in silence and sat back on his heels, looking at Harry. They sat in silence for a few moments until Harry sighed slightly and shifted.
Snape tilted the boys head up with a long pale finger and stared into his eyes.
"Why did you do that, Harry?"
"I. . .don't really know, sir."
"Please, tell me the truth."
Harry was silent for a long moment.
"My bad dreams stay, and my good ones never last. There is blood in both of them. . .sometimes I can imagine that good things are even more solid than dreams. Anything good. . .that happens. . .is never real. . ."
"For instance. . .?"
Harry stuttered for a moment.
"Me coming here, when I was 11. But it's all shit now. Nobody likes me. Sirius, being my godfather. . .but he hates me too. . .and. . ."
"And what?"
"Nothing."
"What happened with your flea-bitt. . .Godfather?"
"I. . .he was cross. . .he misses my father. . ."
Snape sucked his breath in sharply. That idiot surely hadn't said. . .
"James should be alive instead of me."
"No! That's not true, Harry. You have just as much reason to be alive as anyone else."
Harry just stared at him, the green eyes looking remarkably snake-like in the flickering firelight.
It took Snape a good ten seconds to realise that Harry was crying. Tears rolled don his face, and blood issued from his mouth where he was biting his lip to stop himself sobbing.
Despite himself, Snape crossed over to Harry and hugged him again, this time the tiny body wrapping around him.
"I dreamt that you cared, sir. Please tell me it's true. . ."
Snape swallowed.
"sir?"
"Harry. . .I'm not capable of caring. I'm. . ."
He didn't get any further. Harry jumped up, and bolted.
"Harry! Harry, come back!"
"I can't get close," he murmered to himself, staring into the magical firelight. "Voldemort is going to kill anyone who I care for. In these times. . .there is only war and cumulation of wars."