This one's rated R for language and content.
It was a beautiful morning; the sun was shining, the birds were singing and well, you probably get the picture. Bosco stepped onto the sidewalk and smiled. He still had a good five hours before his shift started and he was in the mood for a drive.
Bosco grinned as a young woman walked past him. She was towing a small dog on a leash. "Over grown rat." Bosco muttered and then continued to smile winningly at the woman.
As Bosco unlocked the door to his Mustang he thought he heard someone calling his name. Bosco looked around, but seeing no one he recognized, he opened the door and slid into the driver's seat. He turned his key in the ignition and the car roared to life.
"Boscorelli!!!!" Bosco looked up in alarm as someone banged on the passenger's side window.
Bosco raised his eyebrows. An angry, fat bald man was peering in through the window, occasionally slamming his fist on it. "Fred?" Bosco leaned over and rolled down the window.
"You son of a bitch!" Fred hollered, sticking his hands in through the window, wildly waving them about.
"What the hell do you want?" Bosco was confused. He knew that Fred wasn't his biggest fan, but this seemed a little out of line.
"What the hell do I want?! I want you to stay the hell away from my wife!" Fred had a crazed look in his eyes and Bosco worried for a moment that the other man might have somehow contracted rabies.
"Stay away from Faith? I work with her you asshole! How the hell am I supposed to stay away from her?"
"Don't play around with me Boscorelli, I know what's going on between the two of you. And don't give me that 'oh but I don't know what you're talking about' schtick!"
Bosco bit his bottom lip, deep in thought for a moment. He tried to think of anything he could have done recently that would have pissed off Fred. Nothing came to mind. "Look Fred, I don't know what crawled up your ass and died this morning, but I really have no idea what you're talking about."
"You're fucking my wife Boscorelli!" Fred was actually starting to drool from the corners of his mouth.
"I'm fucking your wife?" Bosco laughed. "You think that Faith and I are..." his voice trailed off.
Fred's hands were still wildly waving about, trying in vain to reach Bosco's throat. Apparently he had failed to notice the door handle on the outside of the car. "Don't fuck around with me Boscorelli. I'm warning you!"
Fred grabbed ahold of the car and began trying to shake it. Bosco sighed and did up his seatbelt. Putting the car into drive, he put his foot on the gas pedal and moved the car forward a few feet. Fred roared with anger and moved around to the front of the car.
"I will get you Boscorelli!" Fred yelled and slammed his hands on the hood of the car.
"Not if I get you first..." Bosco muttered and slammed his foot down on the gas. thump Bosco bobbed up and down as he ran over Fred.
Bosco put the car into park and opened his door. Looking back, he noticed Fred laying on the ground. He was moaning and rolling all over the place. Bosco watched him with curiosity for a moment before shrugging his shoulders and getting back in the car.
Bosco put the car into reverse and stepped on the gas. thump
He opened the door again and found Fred still rolling around. "That bastard just refuses to die..." Bosco said under his breath.
A young woman wearing a very short skirt walked by. She looked down at Fred and then up at Bosco. She looked quite scared. Bosco smiled and waved. As the woman took off running down the street, Bosco ran Fred over once more.
Bosco shut off his car and walked over to Fred. Fred twitched a bit.
"Bosco!"
Bosco raised his eyebrows in alarm. That voice sounded suspiciously like Faith's and something told him that she wouldn't be too happy to find out that he'd mowed down her husband, several times. Bosco stood in front of Fred, crossed his arms and tried to look casual.
"Bosco!" Faith appeared in front of him, looking and sounding slightly out of breath. "Bosco! I came to tell you that Fred..." She stopped talking and craned her neck, trying to see around Bosco. "What's that behind you?"
Bosco pursed his lips for a moment before replying, "A dog." He nudged Fred with his heel. "A very big dog."
"Oh okay, well anyway, I came to tell you that Fred is looking for you. He seems to think that we're..."
"Doing the nasty?" Bosco interrupted Faith. "The mattress tango, the horizontal mambo? Basically screwing each other's brains out?"
"Yeah, how did you know? Bos, are you sure that's really a dog behind you? Let me see."
Faith stepped closer and gasped. "Oh my God Bosco! You killed him!"
"He started it."
Faith knelt down beside her husband and gently touched his cheek. "Oh Fred..." she said softly. Fred twitched.
"See, he's only mostly dead!" Bosco cried out.
Faith frowned and then stood up, brushing off her pants. "Oh well, I don't think there's much we can do for him now."
"You're not upset?" Bosco stared at Faith, noticing an absence of tears.
"Nah, I never really liked him much anyway."
Bosco pondered that for a moment and then shrugged. "Well okay. So, you wanna go get a cheeseburger or somethin'?"
"Yeah, I could go for a cheeseburger." Faith nodded and smiled. Bosco smiled back and as they got into Bosco's car and drove away, a delivery truck ran over Fred and finished him off for once and for all.
Author's Notes: Please, no flames! I'm sorry if this offended anyone, it's done only in good fun. I think we all know that nothing like this would ever happen!