Part One
Buffy briefly wondred if he might be Jesus.
She knew it was ridiculous, but he just seemed so… martyred. God, if there was one to believe in, hadn't raised a hand to end his son's suffering and apparently didn't care for Spike's. Just as Buffy stood close and yet very, very far away as she watched him crucify himself in the dark.
In her mind, she saw herself walk up the darkened aisle towards the altar. To the cross where her sometime lover was offering himself up to her, smoking like incense. She saw herself reach out and touch him. Touch his shoulder gently.
He would turn to her, his beautiful face open and questioning. She would press a single finger up to his lips and look deep into his blue eyes. Then she would replace her finger with her own soft lips. And she would feel. Finally feel the tenderness and passion and love she ached for.
She would fall into his gentle embrace, let his deft fingers twine in her hair, let her own palms spread across the lean muscles of his back.
"Buffy," he'd say softly, hoarsely, between kisses. "I love you."
She would looked up into his burning eyes and smile slightly. Then she'd pull back her arm and deck him. Send him crashing back into the cross with all the supernatural strength in her fist.
Because he still wasn't a man. And sometimes she barely had enough humanity left to call herself a woman.
She ran the other direction, out of the church. Away from a suffering she couldn't comprehend and a love she didn't want to know. She stumbled through the familiar graveyard, her inherent grace gone. Everything was raw and dark. She could barely see for all violence roiling in her mind. Fighting and slaying and killing. Blood and sex and pain. It wasn't enough anymore. Not that it ever had been. This wasn't a life, not for him, and certainly not for her.
She needed to get home now. Home to the life she had for herself there, outside of the night and the darkness. Home to Dawn. And to the new job she had waiting for herself in the morning.
She suddenly felt the impact of an unrepentant tombstone nailing her shins. A severe pain lanced through them and she winced.
"What's wrong with you?"
She quickly glanced upwards, ready for a fight. But it was just Anya.
"What are you doing here?" Buffy demanded irritably, struggling to a standing position.
"I came here to check on you, and good thing I did. You really shouldn't be so clumsy, tripping like that in the middle of a graveyard at night." She stared at the slayer pointedly, watching as she tried to brush grave dirt off her jeans. "What if I had been a demon?" Anya continued. "You're very vulnerable lying there on the ground."
"You are a demon," Buffy pointed out dryly, pushing her way past her towards the cemetery entrance. She stifled a groan as her injured shins protested.
"Not of the slayer killing variety, luckily for you," Anya shot back defensively, matching Buffy's gait.
"Well, why aren't you?" Buffy demanded truculently and whirled around to face her. She was getting so damn tired of dealing with demons who wanted to straddle the line between good and evil. One she had just left behind broken in a church, but this one she could freely take her frustrations out on. "What? You don't have the rocks to be truly evil? Funny how that didn't stop you for a thousand years."
"I'm a vengeance demon," Anya seethed. "It's not about evil. I help people. Just like you."
"Oh, don't you dare say that." Buffy clenched her fists and took a step forward. The other woman involuntarily flinched backwards. "Don't you dare even compare your petty little wishes to the calling I've given up my life for."
"I gave up my life for it, too," Anya defended herself. "Twice."
"Oh, that's right," Buffy mocked her angrily. "You gave up the misery and heartache of humanity to live forever with super strength and teleportation and God knows what other stupid powers. Poor you."
"I've sacrificed a thousand years for the cause of vengeance, to help people—"
"No," Buffy interrupted hotly. "You took the easy way out. Again." She took another step forward, her face right in Anya's, meeting her indignant eyes. "An apocalypse comes, you skedaddle out of town. Life gets to hard? Become a cold-hearted demon so you don't have to feel. Well, you know what, Anyanka?" She spat out the demon name. "My life doesn't work like that. I've given up everything I've ever had and loved to help defeat an evil that you're all to ready to rejoin. So don't talk to me about sacrifice or duty or, God, anything!"
Halfway home, after stomping away from Anya indignantly, Buffy wondered if she should regret her harsh words. It had just been too much, too quickly. Buffy couldn't deal with Anya and her stupid wish, Spike with his stupid soul, and everything else going on in her own stupid life all at the same time. Buffy pinched the bridge of her nose and sat down on the curb.
She hated Spike. Hated him with every bone in her body. She hated him for bringing out the worst in her, and hated him for letting her bring out the best in him.
And she hated this world, where a human could kill in cold blood and an unrepentant vampire could actually seek out a soul. Where a vengeance demon of all creatures could walk in the gray area. She hated that she didn't know anymore, who to slay and who to save.
She shivered slightly. She was so tired and felt so alone.
Buffy finally dragged herself home a half-hour later. She dropped her keys on the front hall table and made her way to the living room, where late night MTV was lighting up the walls.
Buffy watched for a moment. "I didn't know we got porn on basic cable."
Dawn literally jumped off the couch. "Buffy!" she exclaimed. She fumbled for the remote. "You scared me. You shouldn't sneak up on people like that." She quickly shut the television off, dousing the room in darkness. "And it's not porn. They don't even show naked butts."
Buffy raised her eyebrows.
"It's a TV show," Dawn continued, walking around her sister towards the kitchen. "On TV. And just because it's called Undressed doesn't mean it's not a perfectly good—and where have you been all night, anyways?" She flipped the kitchen light switch and turned narrowed eyes on her sister. "Xander called and checked in, like, over an hour ago."
"I, uh…" Damn Xander. "I had to do a sweep of the graveyards," she lied quickly. "You know, see what other nasties were out and about."
"Oh," Dawn said, pulling a milk carton out of the fridge. "So what'd you find? Any vamps?"
"What? No!" Buffy protested. "No vampires!"
"Um, okay…" Dawn gave her a patented younger sister look and took a sip from her glass. "Eww!" she cried out and spat quickly into the sink.
Buffy frowned, walking over to examine the milk carton. "This expired two weeks ago."
"No duh." Dawn turned to Buffy, her nose wrinkled in disgust.
"I'll go shopping on Friday," she promised.
"Yeah, whatever." Dawn rolled her eyes and headed upstairs.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
The Next Morning
Dawn tapped her pencil on her leg impatiently as Xander stopped at yet another stoplight.
"So where'd you run off to last night?" he asked.
She watched from the back seat as her sister turned her head sharply.
"What?" Buffy demanded.
"You know, after Anya reversed the wish, and you ran off. You went to see Spike, didn't you?"
Dawn knew he was right but she couldn't find it in herself to be angry that her sister had lied to her. She did want to pound Buffy over the head with a frying pan, though, if nothing more than for her predictably bad decisions regarding the vampire in question.
"What's going on with him, anyways?" Xander asked. "He was all with the crazy there in the Bronze."
"I don't know," Buffy mumbled. Dawn knew this, too, was a lie, and would soon be followed with a classic Buffy diversionary tactic. Buffy didn't disappoint. "Oh, but look! There's the school. Dawn, we'd better go or we're both going to be late."
Dawn sighed impatiently and reached over to pull the door handle.
"Remember Willow, guys." Xander's voice stopped them.
"What?" Buffy asked.
"Coming home? Tonight?" Xander raised his eyebrows. Dawn wasn't surprised, though, that Buffy had forgotten. She tended to avoid dwelling on complicated situations, even when they were important.
"Oh, right."
"I'll be over at seven to drive you guys to the airport."
"Don't be late," Buffy said before closing the door. "We don't want to miss her."
Dawn glanced around the cafeteria nervously, her heart pounding. She took a deep calming breath and approached His table.
"Brian?" she asked. Her voice coming out all squeaky--so not the seductively husky tone she had planned. She cleared her throat and tried again. "Brian?"
He turned his head away from the conversation at his table and gave her a friendly grin. Dawn gripped her lunch tray with whitened knuckles, half-terrified that she would swoon from his attention. And then there would be spilled lunch and doctors and laughing and embarrassment all around.
"Hey, Dawn," he said easily. "What's up?"
He knew her name! He knew her name! Wait, how did he know her name?
"You are in fifth period design with me. You're kinda hard to miss."
Shit. She must have asked that last bit out loud. "Oh, yeah," she said, deciding to try for nonchalance, even if it was a bit late. And was 'kind of hard to miss' a compliment or not?
"So, what's up?"
Dawn tore her eyes away from his light blue ones and tried to remember her carefully thought-out excuse to talk to him.
"Um… do you know what time it is?"
Buffy's workday ended at twelve, because the principal told her they didn't have the money to take her on full time. Xander had grumbled that it was because they were too cheap to pay for her benefits, at which point Buffy had said that he sounded just like Anya. That had shut him up.
It was a quarter past noon now, if Brian's watch had been accurate, and Dawn figured it couldn't have taken Buffy more than fifteen minutes to leave campus. It wasn't like she was doing anything important, anyways.
She glanced both ways down the hallway surreptitiously before slinking past the "No Student Entry" door to the basement. Her stint as a petty thief paid off sometimes. She had scoped out the security cameras in the halls ahead of time, and chosen the only one of the three basement access doors that wasn't being videotaped.
Dawn made her way down the clunky staircase, wondering why they couldn't have rebuilt the basement along with the new high school. At least have hired a cleaning crew and added some new lights.
She cautiously approached the hellmouth. Or the general area. She wasn't entirely sure what the hellmouth looked like, where it ended or where it began. Whether it was really a big hole in the earth or if it was just a general field of evil energy. No one had ever thought to take her on a tour of Sunnydale's underworld, so she felt her way through, calling his name as she walked.
"You've not been invited."
Dawn whirled around, and made out the outline of the vampire's familiar profile in the dark.
"Spike," she spat out. "You're here."
"Little Bo Peep," he addressed her, stepping forward. "They never guessed it was you, did they? Do they know about the sheep?" Spike asked anxiously, his eyes darting around as he approached her.
"What?" Sure, Spike had appeared different last night, but when Xander had said he was crazy, she figured he was exaggerating.
"The sheep? They're here, you know. All over and around and under but you'll never find them. Ever."
"Spike," Dawn spoke, trying to ignore his litany. "You have to tell me what happened last night."
"Last night?" Her command seemed to temporarily jolt him out of his lunacy. "You're here to set me on fire, then, are you?"
"So you did hurt her," Dawn inferred, her voice tense and eyes narrow. "I knew something happened."
"See, problem is, lil' bit, I'm not asleep."
"Doesn't matter," she shrugged. "Just tell me what you did, and then we'll worry about it."
Spike clucked his tongue. "Uh uh uh, little slayer. Tell the tale, you get the cash, innat how it works now?"
"What?" she asked incredulously. "You want me to pay you?"
The vampire clutched his head suddenly. "Oh no. Oh no," he groaned, falling to the floor. "Make it stop! Bloody make it—"
He opened his eyes and looked back at Dawn, suddenly calm. "Stop. Now, what was it you wanted, bit?"
"What's wrong with you?" She stared in disbelief at the crumpled shell of a vampire before her.
"You're bleeding," he said suddenly, staring down at her abdomen.
Dawn looked down at her own midriff, peeking out under her short-cropped shirt, almost expecting to find blood there. "Spike, what--?"
"Stop it! Stop the bleeding!" he cried out frantically, and reached out a clammy hand to her stomach. Dawn yelped at the contact and jumped back. "Stop it!" he yelled desperately. "Make it stop!"
Dawn turned and ran.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
That Night
"Finally!" the man next to Willow exclaimed. Willow raised her eyes reluctantly and noticed that the seatbelt sign had blinked off. "That was the longest flight ever. I hate flying."
Willow nodded politely, though she didn't share his sentiments. She had spent the whole seven hour New York-Sunnydale flight making nice with the overweight businessman seated next to her, but now she was afraid if she so much as opened her mouth she would throw up all over him. As far as she was concerned, the flight couldn't have been long enough. In fact, she was half-hoping this would end up like the Langoliers and an empty airport would greet them. Nothing could be worse than what she was about to face.
"Miss," the man nudged her with his carry-on bag and Willow jumped. "You need to get up. It's time to get off."
She sighed nervously and briefly considered Plan B: waiting until everyone had gotten off and then hiding out in the lavatory for the next flight that would take her anywhere, absolutely anywhere but here.
She clutched her tote bag to her chest and slowly stood up. Wading with the flow of passengers through the narrow aisles, she made it to the gate. She felt like her heart was going to stop. Or explode. Or simply just…
One more step and she'd be out in the open. One more step and there they'd be. There she'd be. She halted.
"Hey, watch it!" Someone jostled her from behind but she ignored them. Taking a deep breath and clutching her tote like it was her last link to life, she stepped forward.
"There she is!" Xander exclaimed excitedly and Buffy strained on her tip-toes to see over the crowd of people at the gate.
"Wow, her hair's lighter," Dawn said, and Buffy directed a small frown in her direction, aimed at Dawn's ever-increasing height.
"Willow!" Xander yelled.
She heard her name and knew it was finally too late to run back onto the plane. Gathering up what remained of her courage, she put on a smile and turned around.
"Will!" Xander exclaimed again as he rushed forward. Willow let herself get caught up in his arms. She looked over his shoulder at Buffy and Dawn. They looked so… put together. So grown up from the last time she saw them. It made her heart ache.
"Hey, Will," Buffy approached them, and reached an arm around her friend. Dawn came up on her other side and awkwardly found a place in the group hug. Willow should have felt loved, safe, and relieved, but she only felt cold. She didn't belong here, but she knew she had to stay. She had to change that.
"Hey, guys," she croaked out.
"It's so good to see you," Buffy said, backing away.
"Yeah," Dawn echoed.
"We missed you, Will," Xander said, finally releasing her. Willow offered him a small smile.
"Me too. I'm so glad to be back."
Willow wasn't sure whether she should be relieved that she wouldn't be staying in the same house where Tara had been, or hurt by Buffy's subtle rejection. We thought it would be better for both of you if you had some time together, she had said, drawing Willow aside as the four of them made their way out to the airport parking lot. Xander's been so lonely without Anya, maybe you can cheer him up.
She trailed after Xander as he lugged her suitcases through the doorway to his apartment.
"I just… I wish I had finished the training before I came back," she began, suddenly feeling the need to explain herself. "But I guess there's supposed to be this big, bad force rising and you might need me. I know you won't at first, but I want you to know that you can trust me. I won't do anything. I mean, I have control now, more than before—"
Xander cut her off, turning and squeezing her shoulder reassuringly. "You don't have to give me the speech, Will." Willow figured she must have looked surprised because Xander chuckled softly and said, "I trust you."
"You do?" she squeaked out.
"Of course. I love you." He enveloped her in a hug and she almost relaxed against his broad chest. "Am I going to have to give you another crayon speech?"
"But everything I did—"
"That wasn't you," Xander assured her.
Willow jerked back to look at him. "What? No, I—"
"No, see, I've thought about it a lot this summer, and it was the magicks that did that to you." He gave her another smile and turned towards the kitchen. "It wasn't your fault."
"But, Xander—"
"You hungry?" He opened the refrigerator.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Several Days Later
"What are you good for? Coke, Sprite, any fruity nectar?" Xander asked, wiggling his eyebrows. "I don't normally like to be seen carrying Zima around, but for you, my dear, anything."
Willow smiled at his attempt at humor. "Just a Diet Coke. Thanks."
"One glass of calorie-free carbonated goodness coming right up. Buffy?"
"Same for me," she said, looking towards the dance floor of the Bronze, where her sister was cutting the rug, or tiled floor, rather, with her friends from school.
"I'll be back," Xander said and headed off towards the bar. Willow and Buffy glanced quickly at each other. It was the first time they had been alone together since she had come back.
"So…" Willow ventured, trying to dispel the awkward silence. "How's work?"
"Work is work," Buffy said descriptively. She sighed. "I'm sorry I haven't been by to see you lately, but this is my first night off since you've been back."
"That's fine," she said hurriedly. "I mean, it's only been a week and I'm still kind of settling in and all…"
"Yeah," Buffy mused. "I haven't been seeing much of anyone lately, really. Even Dawn. I work at the high school until twelve and then my shifts at the Doublemeat usually start at four. And after that, there's the slaying…"
"Do you need any help with that? I mean," Willow backtracked. "I know I'm not exactly slayer caliber without calling on the dark magicks, but I could at least give you some company. Like old times." Her voice perked up at the thought.
"Uh, maybe…" Buffy said non-comittally. "But during the week I usually go right from the Doublemeat, and on weekends, Dawn likes to come along."
Willow nodded "It's too bad Spike's gone," she mused.
"What?" Buffy asked sharply.
"To help with the slaying," Willow clarified. "I mean, last year you were always out together – not in that way, but, I mean… Well, he's stronger than any of the rest of us and—"
"Who's stronger than the rest of you?" Xander sauntered up, setting down the bubbling drinks before the girls with a flourish. "Not talking about me behind my back again, are you?"
"Spike," Willow answered. Buffy lowered her head, studiously avoiding eye contact with either of her friends.
"Spike," Xander repeated incredulously, and set his beer down on the table with a bang. "Why is everything always about Spike, huh?" he asked accusatorily. "I can't leave for two minutes without you going off heaping praises on he evil undead?"
"Xander." Willow looked shocked.
"No, I'm serious," Xander continued, clenching his beer bottle tightly. "What's it going to take before you girls finally realize that he's evil? I mean, Buffy, after everything he did to you, you went and welcomed him back last week with open arms."
"Spike's back?" Willow glanced back and forth between her two friends.
"Is that Dawn?" Buffy asked suddenly, staring out at the dance floor. Willow and Xander followed her gaze, both looking disconcerted at the change in topic.
"Looks like Dawn's having a good time," Willow said diplomatically after a moment of watching the teenager bounce around to the fast-beat pop music. "Who's that guy?"
"Do you think they're dancing too close?" Buffy moved to stand up. "I think they're dancing too close."
"Um, she looks okay to me," Willow said, uncertain.
Buffy's eyes flashed at her friend. This was the same friend who had broken Dawn's arm in a magic-induced car crash, who would have killed Dawn in a flash just weeks before. And now she was presuming to judge what was and was not okay for her sister?
"I never danced like that when I was her age," Buffy protested darkly.
"Yeah, because you were practically a nun in high school," Xander said sarcastically and continued despite Buffy's lethal glare. "I don't remember any lewd dances or trench coats or sex with two hundred and fifty-year-old vampires…"
"I was seventeen then," she shot back defensively. "And I don't want Dawn turning out like me anyways."
She walked around the table to approach the dance floor, but Willow put a calming hand on her arm.
"Buffy," she said quietly, and the slayer turned to her impatiently. "Look, they're not even touching. It's a fast song, anyways."
"A lot can happen during fast songs," Buffy argued.
"Well, yeah, I guess, but…" As Willow trailed off, her eyes turned back to the crowd of teenagers on the dance floor. "Look, she looks so happy," she continued. "I haven't seen her smile like that since… well, not for a long time."
"She does look happy," Buffy admitted begrudgingly. And then she thought of what had wiped Dawn's original happy-go-lucky smile off her face. Their mom's death, her death, Willow's betrayal, Buffy's negligence… and now Dawn was smiling again, not because of Buffy but in spite of her. Because of a stranger. A strange boy she barely knew had put that wide, carefree grin on her face and the lively sparkle back into her eyes.
Buffy quietly sat back down.
"Guess what? Guess what?" Dawn bounced breathlessly back to their table once the song ended. She glance surreptitiously over her shoulder to make sure her former dance partner was out of earshot. "That was Brian. I danced with Brian McKenna!" she continued before anyone had a chance to answer. "Brian McKenna danced with me!"
Buffy just stared at her sister, wondering if Dawn was aware of the extent to which she was channeling her twelve-year-old self.
"He's definitely hot," Willow offered and Dawn shot her the first real smile she had given Willow since her return.
"I don't see what the big deal is," Xander interjected, taking a sip of his light beer.
"What the big deal is?" Dawn repeated indignantly. "He's only the star player on Sunnydale High's basketball team."
"Isn't he a little short for that?" Buffy asked, earning herself a glare from Dawn, which she ignored. She squinted her eyes, focusing on the teenage boy across the crowded club. "And does he bleach his hair?"
Dawn looked back over at Brian, who was now hanging out with a couple other seniors she recognized from the team. "Only the tips," she defended him.
"Oz used to dye his hair, like every week," Willow offered helpfully, and then backtracked. "But he was a werewolf and you do want to make sure that Brian isn't one. As much as I liked Oz, the fanginess really got in the way."
"Or a vampire," Buffy supplied, more to annoy Dawn than anything else. "Are there any mirrors here? Have you ever seen him in the sunlight?"
"God!" Dawn exclaimed in frustration. "Why do I even bother with you guys?"
"The refreshments," Xander answered with a grin, holding up the cola he had retrieved for her. Dawn took it gratefully and gulped down one large sip.
"Thanks, Xan," she said, and then turned back to the dance floor. "Okay. I'm going back in."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Later that night
Buffy cringed as she leaned over to open the bathtub faucet. She was exhausted and currently regretting her decision to take the long way home from the Bronze for some late night stakeage. All she wanted now was to strip off these perky, pretty clothes and sail naked in a tub of hot water. She closed her eyes and inhaled, drinking in the steam.
"Are you hurt?"
Buffy whirled around. "I thought you were asleep," she said sheepishly. "I didn't wake you up, did I?"
Dawn shook her head.
"We need to talk," she said softly, turning to shut the door behind her. Buffy, who had moved back to her slowly filling tub of water, looked up in surprise.
"Now?" she asked. "Isn't it a little late, honey?"
"This isn't just about you – as much as you'd like it to be."