Title: Trivial 57: Arachnophobia
Author: Kel
Pairing: Clark/Lex
Rating: PG-13 for language
Spoilers: You're kidding, right?
Warnings: Here there be spider-talk.
Summary: In Which We Discover That Lex is an arachnophobe and Clark is sadistic.
Notes: Dedicated to chrissie and amy, my fellow arachnophobes. More thanks to them for being my guinea pigs.
"Lex? Why are you meeting me at the door, dancing back and forth with your legs crossed? I realize that the Talon is trying to add a personal touch to the place, but this? You might want to rethink this strategy."
"There's a spider in the bathroom."
::blink:: "So?"
"So? Go kill it. I *really* need to use the restroom."
::blink blink:: "For crying out loud, Lex! It's a *spider.*"
"I'm well aware of what a spider is. I can give you the taxonomic group it falls into as well as the history of arachnids and how they got their name, including the usual Luthorian reference to Greek mythology. However, that does not mean that I intend to share living quarters with the unnatural little bastards."
"Aha. So now we find out the truth. Lex Luthor is afraid. Of spiders."
"Clark, if you don't want me to urinate on those nice new Nikes, you're going to go and kill the spider in the bathroom."
"Wuss."
::Lex dancing::
::Clark whistling:: "There you go, little fella. See, Lex? It's just--"
"Get that disgusting eight-legged freak away from me, Clark."
"He's a harmless Granddaddy Longlegs. We find these things crawling all over the farm."
"Isn't *that* a comforting thought. It's a furry tarantula, Clark. With the markings of a black widow spider. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have pressing business to take care of." ::running::
::opens door:: "There you are, little fella. Now make nice and don't scare Lex anymore, okay? Okay. There. Now, go on, nobody's going to stomp you."
::sound of flushing::
"Feel better, Lex?"
"No thanks to you, Dr. Doolittle."
"Look, the next time you see one, just open the window and toss it out."
"The next time I see one, I will be either crushing it with a long-range implement or looking for a slayer."
"A slayer?"
"Yes." ::picks up sword-shaped letter opener:: "I hereby dub thee... Clark SpiderSlayer."
"Remind me never to watch the Spiderman DVD with you."
"Bite my ass, Clark."
"You know, I could have flushed the spider, you know. *He* could be the one biting your ass the next time you need to go to the bathroom."
::long pause:: "Oh, thanks for *that* thought, Clark. You can just go to the bathroom with me from now on."
"I can't believe you're being such a wuss over a little spider!"
"I made the mistake of taking you to see Eight-Legged Freaks, and I promptly regretted it five minutes into the movie. I think I'm allowed to have a case of arachnophobia."
"That's another movie we need to watch."
::longer pause:: "I never realized what a sadistic bastard you are, Clark Kent."
"Why thank you, Lex Luthor. I learned from the best."
"Bite my ass *again.*"
"Do you, like, have some ass-biting fetish I should know about?"
"Blow me."
"Gladly."
::glaring::
::innocent beaming::
The End
Author: Kel
Pairing: Clark/Lex
Rating: PG-13 for language
Spoilers: You're kidding, right?
Warnings: Here there be spider-talk.
Summary: In Which We Discover That Lex is an arachnophobe and Clark is sadistic.
Notes: Dedicated to chrissie and amy, my fellow arachnophobes. More thanks to them for being my guinea pigs.
"Lex? Why are you meeting me at the door, dancing back and forth with your legs crossed? I realize that the Talon is trying to add a personal touch to the place, but this? You might want to rethink this strategy."
"There's a spider in the bathroom."
::blink:: "So?"
"So? Go kill it. I *really* need to use the restroom."
::blink blink:: "For crying out loud, Lex! It's a *spider.*"
"I'm well aware of what a spider is. I can give you the taxonomic group it falls into as well as the history of arachnids and how they got their name, including the usual Luthorian reference to Greek mythology. However, that does not mean that I intend to share living quarters with the unnatural little bastards."
"Aha. So now we find out the truth. Lex Luthor is afraid. Of spiders."
"Clark, if you don't want me to urinate on those nice new Nikes, you're going to go and kill the spider in the bathroom."
"Wuss."
::Lex dancing::
::Clark whistling:: "There you go, little fella. See, Lex? It's just--"
"Get that disgusting eight-legged freak away from me, Clark."
"He's a harmless Granddaddy Longlegs. We find these things crawling all over the farm."
"Isn't *that* a comforting thought. It's a furry tarantula, Clark. With the markings of a black widow spider. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have pressing business to take care of." ::running::
::opens door:: "There you are, little fella. Now make nice and don't scare Lex anymore, okay? Okay. There. Now, go on, nobody's going to stomp you."
::sound of flushing::
"Feel better, Lex?"
"No thanks to you, Dr. Doolittle."
"Look, the next time you see one, just open the window and toss it out."
"The next time I see one, I will be either crushing it with a long-range implement or looking for a slayer."
"A slayer?"
"Yes." ::picks up sword-shaped letter opener:: "I hereby dub thee... Clark SpiderSlayer."
"Remind me never to watch the Spiderman DVD with you."
"Bite my ass, Clark."
"You know, I could have flushed the spider, you know. *He* could be the one biting your ass the next time you need to go to the bathroom."
::long pause:: "Oh, thanks for *that* thought, Clark. You can just go to the bathroom with me from now on."
"I can't believe you're being such a wuss over a little spider!"
"I made the mistake of taking you to see Eight-Legged Freaks, and I promptly regretted it five minutes into the movie. I think I'm allowed to have a case of arachnophobia."
"That's another movie we need to watch."
::longer pause:: "I never realized what a sadistic bastard you are, Clark Kent."
"Why thank you, Lex Luthor. I learned from the best."
"Bite my ass *again.*"
"Do you, like, have some ass-biting fetish I should know about?"
"Blow me."
"Gladly."
::glaring::
::innocent beaming::
The End