E-mail: Edyn04@aol.com
Rating: PG-13 for language
Disclaimer: Everything "Alias"-related does not belong to me. It belongs to J.J. Abrams and probably 900 other people associated with him.
Archive: Nowhere yet, but if you want it, take it and then e-mail me so I'll know.
Feedback: Please;x
Summary: I just came up with this a couple of days ago and I decided to write it and get it out of my head. The slashes are spaces because this thing won't let me do multiple spaces.
Dedication: This is for Ash who reads each part before it is posted here and is undoubtedly my best (and favorite) critic.
Wheel of Fortune
Jack (filling in for Pat Sajak): Hello and welcome to Wheel of Fortune'! I'm your host, Jack Bristow. Now, let's meet our contestants, starting with the gentleman on my left, Michael Vaughn! Michael, tell us a little bit about yourself: where you're from, what you do...*coughs loudly*...why the hell you're on this show...*coughs*
Vaughn: What was the last thing you said?
Jack: What you do...'
Vaughn: Oh. Well, I work for the CIA, and at the moment, I'm the handler of—
Sydney (filling in for Vanna White): *coughs loudly*
Vaughn: Oh yeah, I *whispers* forgot...
Jack: Where are you from?
Vaughn: France, or something...wait...*thinks* You see, I was dropped on my head when I was little, and—
Jack: Okay, that's fine. Let's meet our next contestant, Will Tippin!
Vaughn: *mutters incoherently*
Will: *roll eyes at Vaughn* Sheesh...
Jack: Tell us about yourself, Will.
Will: I used to be a reporter for a newspaper here in Los Angeles but I was recently canned due to my *finger quotes* heroin' addiction. Anyways, I found out about some organization called SD-6 and I got so close to blowing the lid off of the operation that in order to stay alive, the C—
Sydney: *coughs loudly once again*
Will: Right. So now I'm unemployed.
Jack: *mutters under breath* That has to be a first for this show...
Will: What?
Jack: Moving right along, our next contestant is Arvin Sloane!
Sloane: *nods, smiles*
Jack: Tell us about yourself.
Sloane: Well, I run this rogue organization called SD-6 that tells its employees they work for the CIA when in fact, they are working against the government of the United States.
Jack: Fun.
Sloane: Oh, believe me, it is.
Jack: *muttering* Son of a bitch.
Sloane: I beg your pardon?
Jack: *coughs* I have a slight cold.
Sloane: Ah. *pokes Will as Jack turns to Sydney* Do you think he's making fun of us under his breath?
Will: *shrugs*
Sloane: Hm...
Jack: Let's begin! We have a toss-up puzzle right now for $3000 and control of the wheel for the first round.
Vaughn: This isn't the first round?
Jack: No, it's a toss-up.
Vaughn: But...if this isn't the first round then, then what round is it?
Jack: It's not a round, it is a toss-up. Anyways—
Vaughn: *interrupts* But...
Jack: Oh shut up already. The rules were explained to you backstage. It's not my fault if you were too busy staring at certain' people while the rules were being read to you.
Vaughn: *glances at Sydney then back at Jack* Can you blame me? She's hot.
Will: I agree. *Will and Vaughn do that weird, fake handshake thing (if you're in high school, recently graduated, or have seen any rap videos, you know what I'm talking about)*
Sloane: Can we start already? I'm late for my manicure.
Jack: Manicure?
Sloane: Er, pedicure.
Will: Not much better...
Sloane: Haircut!
Vaughn: *looks at Sloane and squints* You call that stuff on your head hair'?
Sloane: Hey listen you little—
Jack: Whoa! Both of you settle down so we can start this fucking—er—gosh dang toss-up!
Vaughn: CUSSER!
Jack: Shut up, Mr. Vaughn.
Will: Could we? This is a little on the dull side...
Sloane: Yes, please, I'm late for my leg-waxing appointment.
*Jack, Vaughn, and Will all smother laughs*
Sloane: Er...DAMMIT.
Jack: Anyways. The toss-up. The winner gets control of the wheel, yadayada.
*The toss-up thingy appears on the board. It's four words:
_ _ _ _ / _ _ _ / _ _ _ _ / _ _*
Jack: When you think you know it, please press the little button thingy on that little toy that's sitting there in front of you.
*Letters start to fill in; the clueless contestants gape at the board*
*_H_T / T_ _ / F_ _K / _P*
Will: *buzz*
Jack: Yes?
Will: Shut the fuck up'!
Jack: WHAT?!?! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?!?! YOU LITTLE LOW-GRADE REPORTER, YOU!!
Sydney: The puzzle!
Jack: Oh—er—sorry. Yes, that is correct. $3000 and control of the wheel.
Sloane: My buzzer isn't working.
Jack: Did you actually try pressing the button?
Sloane: Why would I press it? Wouldn't that break it?
Jack: *holds forehead in one hand and mutters* This is fucking ridiculous.
Sloane: Oh well. *drops buzzer thing on floor and it breaks*
Sydney: *muttering* Oh for Christ's sake...
Jack: Heh.
Will: Are we ready to start the first round yet?
Sydney: More than ready...
Jack: Heh.
Will: *hand gesture to Jack indicating he should speed things along*
Jack: Right, yes. The first round. The category is
*The blank squares appear on the board.
_ _ _ _ _ _ / _ _ _ _ _ / _ _ / _ _ _ _ _ _ / _ _ / _ _ _ _ _*
Vaughn: Wait, if this is the first round, then what did we just do a second ago?
Jack: *discreetly makes a gun' out of his thumb and forefinger and holds it to his head for a brief second* Anyways, the first round. Will, since you won the toss-up, you get to spin first.
Will: WHOOPEE! *spins*
Jack: $500.
Will: I pick an !
Jack: There are two 's. Spin again, buy a vowel or solve.
*Sydney taps each of the two boxes. _ _ R _ _ R / _ _ _ _ _ / _ _ / _ _ _ _ _ _ / _ _ / _ _ _ _ _*
Will: How much are they?
Jack: $250.
Will: That's an expensive chicken...
Jack: Chicken? Er... not
Will: Oh. Well, expensive nonetheless.
Jack: Spin the damn wheel.
Vaughn: Yeah, you dumbass.
Will: *does the raspberries thing*
Vaughn: *puts thumb and forefinger into shape of an and holds it against his forehead*
Will: *laughs uncontrollably and does the typical chick hand gesture of oh stop... (you know what I'm talking about; I'm sure all of us have done this once in our lifetime...maybe)*
Vaughn: *joins in the laughter and does same hand gesture*
Sloane: *under breath* Get a room...
Jack: Ugh...
Will: *stands up straight* Oh, I have to spin, right?
Jack: Something like that...
Will: Kay! *spins*
Jack: $3500!
Will: Six!
Jack: A letter.
Will: Oh, right. !
Jack: There are...too many 's to count. But yeah...
*Sydney touches the boxes.
_ _ R _ _ R / _ _ S _ S / _ _ / _ _ _ _ _ _ / _ _ / _ _ _ _ S*
Sydney: There's three...that's not too many. And it's on your damn card.
Jack: Whoa! *waves card* There's a reason for this thing? I thought it was just a prop.
Sydney: Am I the only person here with any intelligence?
Jack, Vaughn, Will, and Sloane: Yes.
Sydney: *mutters* I was afraid of that...
Jack: Spin again or buy a vowel. You have...mucho bucks.
Will: I want to buy an !
Jack: There are three 's.
*Sydney touches the boxes and the letters appear.
_ A R _ _ R / _ _ S _ S / _ _ / _ A _ _ _ _ / A _ / _ _ _ _ S*
Will: Okay, I bought the so where's my receipt?
Jack: Are you kidding?
Will: *sheepishly* Yes...
Jack: Good. Now spin or whatever...
Will: I want to buy an but I want a receipt this time. In case I want to take it back.
Jack: You can't take it back...this isn't Circuit City.
Sloane: You don't even need receipts at Circuit City...
Jack: Not helping.
Sloane: Sorry. *looks at feet*
Jack: There are four 's.
*Sydney does the routine
_ A R _ E R / _ _ S E S / _ _ / _ A _ _ E _ / A _ / E _ _ _ S*
Will: How much money do I have?
Jack: I don't know...
Will: Okay, fine. *sulks*
Jack: Hold on. *pulls calculator from pocket and starts punching in numbers* In the meanwhile, if someone will turn the damn scoreboards on, please? Thank you...
Will: *impatiently taps foot*
Jack: You have...$11,000.
Vaughn: Dude...that's a shitload of money.
Will: Hell yeah!
Jack: Spin...
Will: Oh! *spins*
Jack: Surround sound system. Pick that up.
Will: I'm allowed to deface the wheel?
Jack, Vaughn, Sloane, and Sydney: YES!
Will: COOL! *tries to pick it up* It's a little stuck...
Sydney: Oh my God! *runs over, almost trips in her three-inch heels, and rips the cardboard piece off the wheel*
Will, Vaughn, and Sloane: *impressed* Whoa...
Will and Vaughn: *both look at Sloane with disgusted expressions* Sicko...
Sloane: *laughs evilly and slaps Sydney's ass as she starts to trot back over to the board*
Sydney: *smacks Sloane across the face* Asshole!
Sloane: Don't try to hide your feelings for me.
Sydney: *resumes position by board and flips Sloane off*
Sloane: *small wave accompanied by trademark creepy smile*
Sydney: *mumbling* I hate my job...
Jack: *clears throat loudly* Moving right along. Mr. Tippin, is it still your turn? I thought when I had spaced out for those few minutes that you would have been done by now...
Will: Nope! *spins*
Jack: $100.
Will: !
Jack: Three...
*_ A R N E R / _ _ S E S / _ _ / _ A N N E _ / A _ / E _ _ _ S*
Will: *spins*
Jack: Jesus Christ! $5000!
Will, Vaughn, and Sloane: Jesus Christ!
Sydney: *mutters* Jesus Christ...
Will: !
Jack: Two 's!
*_ A R N E R / _ _ S E S / _ _ / _ A N N E _ / A _ / E M M _ S*
Will: WHOOPEE!
Jack: $21,300.
Will: I want a please.
Jack: You can't have me...
Sydney: A The letter...*holds forehead in one hand*
Will: Yeah, what she said. *winks at Sydney*
Sydney: *smiles*
Jack: Oh, of course. There is no
Will: Yes there is. There is a It's almost as if you're saying I'm nobody...*sulks*
Sydney: The letter.
Will: Oh. OH! Wait, I wanted to buy an ! I got caught up in the moment!
Jack: Oh fine.
Vaughn and Sloane: CHEATER!
Sydney: Who the hell cares? The game's screwed up enough already, let's screw it up some more...
Jack: Yes, I agree.
Sydney: *rolls eyes*
Jack: I saw that.
Sydney: *eyes widen* Ugh! *double single-finger salutes*
Jack: I saw that too. And I must say—
Sydney: No, don't...please, I'm begging you.
Jack: Fair enough.
Will: So how many 's are there?
Jack: One, I think.
*_ A R N E R / _ O S E S / _ O / _ A N N E _ / A _ / E M M _ S*
Sydney: Two. *sighs*
Will: I want to solve!
Sydney: Thank God...
Will: Garner loses to Janney at Emmy's!
Jack: That's correct!
Sydney: *under breath* I hate that puzzle...
Jack: *nods* I know exactly what you mean...
Will: *peers over thing to see how much money he has* $21,050! Damn!
Jack: Yeah...
Vaughn: Can we just make him the winner? This is taking forever...
Sloane: I'm in favor of that.
Sydney: Me too. *kicks off heels and plops in a folding chair*
Jack: Okay. So, Will, you're our winner with $21,050!
Will: WHOO HOO!
Jack: Oh, and the surround sound thingy... Come on down and spin this wheel.
Will: WHOO HOO! *trots over to Jack*
Jack: Okay, spin the—
Will: *spins*
Jack: —wheel. *sighs*
Will: *waits for wheel to stop and grabs cardboard thingy*
Jack: Okay, give that to me and—DON'T OPEN IT YET YOU DUMBASS!
Will: Oh. *hands it to Jack*
Jack: *swipes it out of Will's hand* Thank you. The category is television show. R, S, T, L, N, E.
*_ R _ E N _ S*
Will: Hey, that rhymes! R, S, T, and L, N, E.
Jack: Yeah, sure, whatever. *rolls eyes then glances at Sydney* You're supposed to turn the letters.
Sydney: *stands up* You mean touch them and the letters will magically appear.
Jack: *glances at Will* How is that different?
Will: *shrugs*
Jack: Anyways...
Sydney: *sighs and sits back down*
Jack: Three consonants and a vowel.
Will: D, F, K, and...a rooster!
Jack: Haven't we gone through this? It's...oh forget it. If you can't guess it, then you don't even deserve to be on the show.
Sydney: *mutters* Yeah, no shit.
Vaughn: *points at Sydney with both index fingers* You said it! *does a little dance thing*
Sydney: *rolls eyes* The morons that surround me every day...
Sloane: Don't go there girlfriend! *snaps fingers*
Sydney: Can we finish this already?
Jack: Okay, guess, Will. You have ten seconds.
*F R _ E N D S*
Will: Uh...
Jack: 10...9...8...
Will: *scratches chin* Um...
Jack: 7...6...5...
Will: Hm...OH! ! That was a random show...
Jack: THAT'S CORRECT! Let's see what you've won!
Will: WHEEEEE!! *does backflip*
Jack: YOU WON THE $100,000! CONGRATULATIONS!
Will: YEAH!! *gets clobbered by Vaughn and Sloane as they celebrate*
Jack: That's our show everyone!
Will, Vaughn, and Sloane: *the three stand up and make small talk with Jack as all the confetti crap falls on them*
Sydney: *rolls eyes for the millionth time, stands up and knocks everyone out* PEACE! SILENCE! AT LAST! *collapses back in chair and conks out*
FIN