Chapter 2: The World Beyond ... Something
Slowly, words appeared. First, in blue letters, the word FANFIX. Then a row of pale, underlined links against a dark blue bar. And then ... the bizzare, twisted alphabet.
The meaningless words were tumbled against the white background, each character seeming to have nothing to do with the rest; a few were similar in appearance, grouped together, but overall, they seemed random, and all cascaded across like a sea of twisted alphabet soup.
One randomly flowing letter seemed to struggle. It shook itself as if trying to get free from the flow ...
... and then the entire scene shattered as a fist was shoved through it.
Neo Morpheus was in a small compartment. He withdrew his fist, shaking, and looked around outside. Thousands of these scenes were scattered around, ordered on humongous columns like banks of television screens.
And then, a cursor appeared. Neo Morpheus tried to duck away, but it clicked on him, and he fell through the suddenly-open back of the compartment. After falling down a drain, he collapsed onto the ground. A claw reached down from above, grabbed him, and pulled him up like an amusement part prize.
The last thing he saw before everything faded completely was Nebulus's face saying "Welcome, Neo Morpheus, to the real world."
"Urgh ..." Neo Morpheus found himself lying on a strange medical bed, a thousand needles sticking out of him. "Am I dead?" he slurred.
"Far from it. You've never lived," said a deep voice. Nebulus, Neo realized.
"What are you doing?" he asked, eyeing the needles.
"Acupuncture," said Nebulus. "It works wonders reconstructing atrophied muscles."
Neo Morpheus winced. "Why does my brain hurt so much ...?"
"You've never used it before," said Nebulus matter-of-factly.
The world faded to black again.
When he next awoke, Neo Morpheus was in what looked to him like the quarters of a submarine. Or a more acurate term would perhaps be "sixteenths" given the cramped size. Nebulus entered; Neo noticed he was dressed in a sweater and pants that had seen better days.
"Where are we?" said Neo Morpheus.
"More important than where is when," said Nebulus.
"Okay, then. When are we?" said Neo.
"You think it's the year 2164," said Nebulus, "when in fact it's closer to 2004. I can't tell you exactly when it is, because we ... honestly don't know. We don't get out much. Also, while you were still in 2164, you would have thought that no matter what went on here. Five years could pass when the Fanfix has you and you'd never know it."
"Yeah, okay," said Neo Morpheus. "This is starting to make sense, in a meaningless kinda way ..."
"There's nothing I can say that will explain it for you, Neo Morpheus," said Nebulus. "Come with me. See for yourself."
They left and went down the dark hall, reminiscent of a scene in Alien. "This is my ship," said Nebulus, "the Narcissist." They arrived in a room that reminded Neo Morpheus of the bridge of the ship in the Lost In Space movie. Everyone was dressed much the same way Nebulus was: in other words, badly. "This is the main deck. Some of my crew you already know."
Trilogy smiled and nodded to Neo Morpheus.
"Here is Alexin, Kristal," -- the green-haired woman smirked -- "Seifer," -- the blonde-haired man, now with less-organized hair and a tattered version of his grey coat -- "Kenny," -- a young man dressed in orange -- "Thinks, and Dozent." -- Two young black men who appeared to be mechanics each raised a hand and smiled. "Oh, and that little guy over there is Cats."
Neo Morpheus turned. A young man in a purple shirt and a green hairstyle was there; he waved and smiled shyly. "His English isn't that good," said Nebulus. Neo resisted the temptation to ask one of several stupid questions.
"This is the User Page," said Nebulus. "It is here that we hack into the Fanfix."
A large computer was on one wall. In place of the suspended animation pods from Lost In Space were a set of bizzarely high-tech elevated hairdressing chairs. "Help him, Trilogy," said Nebulus. Neo Morpheus allowed himself to be helped onto the chair; the head-thing was lowered onto his head. "This will feel a little weird," said Nebulus.
Then there was a click, and Neo Morpheus felt himself turned inside-out.
"We call this the Upload," said Nebulus.
Startled, Neo Morpheus turned around and saw him ... exactly as he had been in the Hotel Lafriggingit. Nebulus continued. "It is our loading fanfic. We can load anything from clothes, to weapons, to adventures, to mysteries ... Anything we need."
Nebulus passed Neo Morpheus, who then saw the lawn chairs from the Hotel Lafriggingit and a laptop computer on a table. "We're in a computer simulation?" said Neo.
"More like a blank fanfic," said Nebulus. "The clothes we were wearing when we were still in the Fanfix, by the way, came with us when we left, and since most of us were younger, we grew out of them. Hence, the ... cosmetic changes."
Neo Morpheus looked down at the table. "This isn't real?" he said dumbly.
"What is real?" said Nebulus. "How do you define real? If real is what you can see, think, and put into words, then real is simply what you can imagine."
"Then what if I 'imagine' having lots of cash?" asked Neo Morpheus. "Would I get it?"
"Well, it doesn't quite work that way," said Nebulus, sitting down in one of the chairs. "The world you live in affects your imagination, not the other way around, although sometimes it comes close."
He pushed a key on the computer. The screen lit up, revealing ... "This is the New York you know," he said. "The New York from 2164. People and Reploids go around in aircars; there's no pollution, or what's left of it is compensated by advancements in biotechnology; people are happy, except when Sigma occasionally shows up. This New York exists only as part of one of a collection of stories we call the Fanfix." He turned to Neo Morpheus. "You've been living in a fanfic, Neo Morpheus. This is New York as it exists today."
He pushed another key. What was now on the screen was somewhat ghastly, and had to be seen to be believed.
"Look there, Neo Morpheus," said Nebulus. "Pollution. Overcrowding. Discrimination. SPAM is still manufactured. Wars are fought. The World Trade Center is still fresh on everyone's minds. And people need to find a means of escape. They do this through movies, or the Internet, or books ..." He turned to Neo Morpheus. "Or fan fiction."
On the screen appeared the endless columns of Fanfix screens. "People wrote these fan fictions that were put into the Fanfix, and we lived the scenes they wrote; some were good, some were awful, some lacked the essential components of either extreme. And you were in one of them. We acted out the parts, and had no free will of our own ... no matter what we believed."
It all began to sink into Neo Morpheus's brain. "No," he said. "That's not true! That's impossible!!"
"Search your feelings," said Nebulus. "You know it to be true."
"No!!" yelled Neo. "Although, come to think of it, it does account for a lot of things. But nevertheless: Get me out of here!! Get me --"
"Easy," said Trilogy. Dozent held Neo Morpheus down while Trilogy removed the head-thing.
"Don't touch me! Get away from me!" yelled Neo Morpheus, stumbling out of the chair.
"He's gonna pop!" exclaimed Seifer.
Neo Morpheus leaped away from them and hit his head on a pipe.
Neo Morpheus woke up in the bed in his sixteenths. He glanced upwards, then slumped again. "I can't go back, can I?"
"No," said Nebulus. "But if you could, would you really want to?"
"No," said Neo Morpheus.
"I feel I owe you an apology," said Nebulus. "There is a rule that we do not free a mind once it reaches a certain age. It is dangerous; they have trouble letting go. Their mind turns against them. Seifer calls it 'popping'. Him, we got from a fanfic that showed him in his early teens."
"Right," said Neo. "So, uh, what's up with me, then?"
"I freed you because I had to," said Nebulus. "When the Fanfix was first created, there was a fanfic written whose protagonist had the ability to change what he wanted, to remake the Fanfix as he saw fit. It was he who freed the first of us. When his author died, so did he, and the Oracle at Zoner prophesized his return and envisioned an end to the war and freedom for our people. I did what I did because I believe that we --"
"Let me guess," said Neo Morpheus. "Me, right?"
"Uh, yeah," said Nebulus. He stood up. "Get some rest," he said. "You're gonna need it."
"For what?"
"Training."
The shorter of the two black men entered. "Mornin'," he said. "Sleep any?"
"Uh, no," said Neo Morpheus.
"Too bad," said the man. "I'm Thinks. I'll be your Moderator."
He offered his hand and Neo Morpheus shook it. "Um ..." Neo wasn't sure how to put it. "What ... what were you from? Were you from ...?"
"Nope," said Thinks. "Me and my brother Dozent, we're 100% pure BS. Born right here in the real world. Genuine child of Zoner."
"Zoner?"
"If the war ends today," said Thinks, "Zoner's where the party'll be. It's this safe haven for excaped Fanfix characters ... and people like me who were never in it. You'll see it some day." He smiled. "Goddamn it, am I excited to see what you're capable of. I mean, we aren't supposed to talk about it, but ..."
"... but that didn't stop Nebulus," said Neo Morpheus.
Thinks shrugged. "A lotta rules don't stop Nebulus," he said. "Like gravity, sometimes. But, uh, anyway, we got a lot to do, so let's get to it."
"So, let's see," said Thinks, holding up a pile of diskettes. "We're supposed to start with these operating fics ... but that's a load of boring shit, so let's try something fun." He tossed most of the disks over his shoulder. "Howabout martial arts for starters?"
"Sounds cool," said Neo Morpheus. "Whaddaya got?"
"Well, let's see," said Thinks, looking over the remaining disks. "We've got stories teachin' about karate, judo, drunken boxing, jujitsu, ninjitsu, deja fu, even the powerful technique of Qrrbrbirlbel -- the whole works."
"Qrrb-huh?" said Neo.
Thinks grinned and slid the disk into the slot.
Neo Morpheus felt a --
"Holy shit!" he said.
"He likes it! Hey Mikey!" said Thinks. "Ready for more?"
"Hell yeah!" said Neo.
"How long has he been in there?" said Nebulus.
"Ten hours straight," said Thinks. "Not even any bathroom breaks. He's a machine."
Neo Morpheus spasmed in his chair and "woke up." He looked up at them. "I know Deja Fu," he said.
"Show me," said Nebulus.
"This is a sparring story," said Nebulus. "It's similar to the ones in the Fanfix, only nothing happens in it. Some of the rules are the same, such as gravity." He assumed a fighting stance. "Attack me."
Neo Morpheus assumed a similar stance, then attacked him. He'd read a Jackie Chan fanfic once, and knew how this was supposed to work --
--but apparently, in this case, Nebulus was the "hero" being attacked, and he blocked every single blow.
Kenny suddenly burst in. "Nebulus is fighting Neo Morpheus!" he exclaimed. The others immediately jumped up and went to the main deck.
"Good point," said Neo Morpheus. "I think I'll skip the scene where you start attacking, in that case." And then he moved as though he were some sort of unstoppable force. And Nebulus was the unmovable object.
"This guy are quick!" said Cats.
"Shut up, Cats," said Thinks.
"Uh, okay," said Neo Morpheus, and punched him in the nose.
"That was sudden," said Seifer.
"I'm glad you liked it," said Nebulus. "Thinks, load the jump fic."
The dojo disappeared and they found themselves standing on top of a twenty-story building.
"Oh no," said Neo Morpheus. "This isn't what I think it is, is it?"
"To really succeed in the Fanfix," said Nebulus, "you need to free your mind." And with that, he took a running leap, and flew across to a building fifty feet away.
"Whoa," said Neo Morpheus.
"If it helps," called Nebulus, "try and emulate your favorite superhero."
"Okey-dokie!" said Neo. "Here we go ..."
"Nobody's ever made their first flight," said Alexin.
"What does he if of it making?"
"He won't," said Alexin.
"Never been done," said Thinks.
"They all pick someone stupid," said Kenny.
Trilogy muttered, "Come on, Neo Morpheus ... You can do it ..."
He took a running leap ... jumped off the building ... "BATMAN!" he exclaimed. "No! Wait!"
He plummeted twenty stories and bounced into the Nerf pavement.
"It doesn't mean anything," said Alexin. "Everybody picks a dumb superhero the first time. Right, Tril ...?" He turned, but Trilogy was gone.
When he disconnected, Neo Morpheus coughed. He tasted blood in his mouth. "I thought you said this wasn't real," he said.
"Your mind makes it real," said Nebulus. "We can do almost anything we want in the Fanfix, but it takes a lot of effort. Also, we can't change anything, we can't flee faster than a speeding bullet, and we can't survive getting killed."
A sudden alarm startled them. "We get signal!" said Cats, dashing to a console.
"What!" exclaimed Nebulus.
Cats put his hand over a switch. "Main screen turn--"
"Just turn the damn thing on, will ya?" said Seifer, getting to another console. "Okay, looks like we got company: a bunch of flamers at four fifteen!"
"What should we do until then?" said Kris, as everyone scrambled for their stations. Neo Morpheus followed Nebulus, Thinks, and Dozent to the bridge, which apparently had been extracted from a fanfic with the Millenium Falcon in it. The Narcissist began flying down a tunnel.
"Is the FR charged?" said Nebulus.
"Just give the word," said Dozent, hand over a large red button marked "Do not press".
"What's the FR?" said Neo Morpheus.
"File Removal," said Nebulus.
"Our best bet against flamers," said Thinks. A hologram showing a bunch of dumb guys spewing flames appeared.
"Go right over there," said Nebulus, pointing to a large chamber. The hovercraft began to land. "Now we power down."
"The File Removal gets rid of everything fictional in the area," said Nebulus.
They landed and powered down. And then a Flamer came into view.
It looked like a really dumb guy, the dumbest thing Neo Morpheus ever seen. It towered over them, muttering expletives, and a flame came out of its mouth.
"A Flamer," said Nebulus. "They destroy the integrity of authors, and reduce fanfics to pale shades of themselves."
The Flamer looked around for a bit, then abruptly got up and went away. Those in the bridge heaved a collective sigh of relief.
"Well," said Nebulus, "let's just lay low for a little while."
Neo Morpheus found Seifer sitting at a console, looking at the scattered characters streaming across the screen.
He turned and jumped. "Whoa!" he exclaimed. "Neo Morpheus, you scared the GF's outta me!"
"GF's?" said Neo.
"Guardian Forces," said Seifer. "Tell you later."
Neo Morpheus turned to the screen. "Is this ...?" he said.
"The Fanfix? Yeah." Seifer looked at it. "I don't even see the codes anymore ... I see ..." He pointed at the scrolling rows. "Uh, Tifa, Yuna, Garnet ..." He shrugged. "I know what you're thinking, because I've been thinking the same thing for the past nine years. Why didn't I pick the blue link??"
"Because your curiosity got the better of you," said Neo Morpheus.
"Point," said Seifer.
"So ..." Neo Morpheus looked for the right words. "What's it like here? I mean, normally."
"Well, you know how it is," said Seifer. "Do your job, get up on time, risk life and limb just to get on someone's nerves, and hope to hell Nebulus knows what he's doing."
"I can identify with that," said Neo Morpheus. "Welcome to my world."
"I know that this isn't 'real'," said Seifer, picking up the slice of pizza, "and that the Fanfix is telling me this pizza is nice and cheezy, and the beer is great and cold. Just some illusion created for someone's entertainment."
"Do we have a deal, Mr. Almasy?" said Agent Elrond, sitting across from him and looking incongruous in the rather seedy pizza joint.
"You know what I've decided after nine years?" asked Seifer. He took a bite. "Ignorance is bliss." He savored the bite. "Mmm ..."
"Then we have a deal," said Agent Elrond.
"I don't wanna remember nothin'," said Seifer. "You put me back in the box. I wanna be in some fic where Rinoa ends up with me, maybe an A.U. where I get all-powerful. And I give you what you want."
"The access codes for Zoner," said Agent Elrond.
"I told you, I don't know that," said Seifer. "But I can get you the guy who does."
"Nebulus," said Agent Elrond.
"Yep," said Seifer. "Say, this scene doesn't have enough comedy to make that one guy from Monty Python laugh."
"Yes," said Elrond. "Perhaps we should resort to gratuitiously breaking the fourth wall."
"Uh, we're doing that," said Seifer.
Agent Elrond grimaced. "Then let's just abruptly end the chapter."