Chapter 4: Rescue Reploids
"I can't BELIEVE you'd betray us! And it makes it even worse if you're supposed to have a crush on me!!"
Seifer thought he heard Neo Morpheus make a comment; he couldn't have been sure. But it didn't matter. "Well, too bad," he said. "It looks better for my image if I don't look like I have a reason, so rather than let you spout that inevitable self- and Nebulus-congratulation, let's cut to the chase. If you have any deep, important secrets you want to tell Kenny, you'd better do it now." He grabbed the wire connected to Kenny's head.
"Let me guess," he said, nervously looking back at them. "Better luck next episode?"
"Oh my god!" exclaimed Trilogy. "You killed Kenny! You bastard!"
"Hey, don't blame me!" said Seifer. "I'm just the messenger! Oh, and ask Kris if she has anything she wants to say."
Trilogy relayed this message.
Kris responded with profanity.
"She wants revenge," said Trilogy.
"Too bad," said Seifer.
Kris abruptly died.
"Ewwwwwww!"
"I didn't mean it like THAT!" snapped Seifer.
Trilogy looked Neo Morpheus in the eye.
"Yes," she said. "He is."
"Believe THIS!" said Thinks, blasting him to bits with the plasma rifle.
"Apparently it's the plot device or deus ex machina that stopped him from killing you," said Trilogy.
"Hey ... you there? It's me, Thinks."
"Thinks!" exclaimed Trilogy. "You're all right!"
"No thanks to Mr. Messenger here," said Thinks. "One escape route comin' right up!"
"It's the second time," said Thinks.
"Hey, you're hurt!" said Trilogy.
"Eh, just a burn," he said. "I can handle it."
"Thinks," said Neo Morpheus, "there is a charred black hole in your side."
"Well what am I, a surgeon??" said Thinks.
"Apparently our operative has faild," said Agent Elrond.
"Never send a human to do a computer program's job," said Agent Nimoy. "Especially subtraction."
"Well," said Agent Shinra, "let's get cracking."
A strange humming buzz was heard from outside. It became lear that it was an Imperial interrogation droid, which floated into the room.
"And now, Nebulus," said Agent Elrond, "we will discuss the access codes for Zoner."
"They're trying to lower his resistance," said Thinks. "If they lower it enough, he'll tell them whatever they want."
"The access codes to Zoner!" exclaimed Neo Morpheus. "We've got to go save him!" He dashed towards one of the chairs.
"Talk about your suicide runs," said Thinks. "What makes you think that you've got a snowball's chance in hell to do it??"
"Because," said Neo Morpheus, "the Oracle says I'm not the One!"
"Well then I'm going with you," said Trilogy. "I'm pulling rank. And if you don't like it, I believe you can go to hell."
"Well then let's get going," said Neo Morpheus, sitting back down in the chair.
"Okay, here comes the Upload," said Thinks.
Several hundred racks of various weapons each a mile long appeared around them.
"Yep, that's enough," said Neo Morpheus.
"No one's ever done anything like this before," said Trilogy.
"I got the idea from a fanfic," said Neo Morpheus. "Oh, and can we change our appearance, or maybe take on the attributes or abilities of characters?"
"Well, a few people have managed it," said Thinks. "... for ten seconds. Afterwards they got one hell of a hangover. And only the One's taken on abilities."
"Okay," said Neo Morpheus. "Here's what else I want."
"His resistance to the mind probe is considerable," said Agent Shinra. "It will be some time before we can get anything coherent out of him other than that one 'I'll see you in hell.'"
"Perhaps we should try an alternative form of persuasion," said Agent Nimoy.
"Leave me with him," said Agent Elrond.
Nimoy and Shinra exchanged a glance, shrugged, and left.
Neo Morpheus and Trinity entered the Seventy-Story Hotel; Trilogy drew along a metal suitcase. Both wore trenchcoats.
As Neo Morpheus entered the metal detector, the alarm went off and the security officer approached him.
The security officer recited, "Please remove any metal objects you may be carrying, including keys, loose change, guns, paperclips, explosives ..."
Neo Morpheus opened his trenchcoat, revealing red and black metal Reploid armor, complete with Maverick insignia.
"Holy shit!" said the officer.
Neo Morpheus charged his NeoBuster and vaporized the officer.
"Let me let you in on a secret, Nebulus," said Agent Elrond, removing his shades and earpiece and leaning up close to Nebulus's face. "I ... hate ... this place. It's the smell."
"Get yourself ... a better ... actor," wheezed Nebulus.
"Right, that's it," said Agent Elrond. "Now I'll sing selections from Disney movies."
They proceeded to engage in a scene of gratuitous violence, first against everyone who was currently in the lobby, then against the stormtroopers who rushed in afterwards. Oh, and Trilogy had red and black form-fitting armor.
"Sooooooomedaaaaaaaaaay, my priiiiiiiiiince will coooooooooooooome ..."
Agents Shinra and Nimoy entered. "What are you doing?" said Nimoy.
Agent Elrond hurriedly put the earpiece and Ray-Bans back on. "....What happened?" he said.
"He doesn't know," said Agent Shinra.
"Know what?" said Agent Elrond.
They went into the elevator and Trilogy removed the bomb from the black suitcase. Er, there was a bomb in the suitcase. Anyway, They climbed out and grabbed hold of the cables.
"There is no spoon," said Neo Morpheus, and blasted the cable holding the elevator up.
The elevator plummeted downwards, and on the counterweight, Neo Morpheus and Trinity plummeted upwards.
The elevator hit the bottom floor. Ding! KABOOM!
The sprinkler system turned on.
"Somebody set up us the bomb," said Agent Shinra.
"Repeat," said the stormtrooper in the helicopter, "we're under attack!"
Neo Morpheus and Trinity were singlehandedly wiping out the squad of troopers on the roof. Granted, this isn't particularly difficult, knowing stormtroopers, but they were being overly impressive about it.
The trooper in the helicopter suddenly glowed blue and became Agent Shinra, who stepped out. Neo Morpheus saw, and began firing from one of the AK-47s he had. Agent Shinra dodged every single bullet, until finally Neo ran out.
"Trilogy!" said Neo Morpheus. "...Help!"
Agent Shinra fired, and Neo Morpheus ...
... transformed into a huge, roaring monster rabbit Maverick, off which the bullets bounced. Agent Shinra paused as Neo Morpheus transformed back.
"Boy, good thing Thinks gave us the 'transform' attribute," said Neo Morpheus.
"Don't scare me like that!!" snapped Agent Shinra, and resumed firing.
Suddenly, everything slowed down! The world seemed to rotate! Neo Morpheus was able to dodge the bullets almost with ease! This was BULLET TIME.
And then two scraped him and he fell flat on his back. Agent Shinra pointed the gun in his face. "Only human ..." he said.
Trilogy pointed her gun in Agent Shinra's face. "Dodge THIS."
A thought cloud containing "@#$%!" appeared over Agent Shinra's head before she blasted it to bits.
Agent Shinra's body fell to the ground and became that of a stormtrooper.
"How did you move that fast!?" said Trilogy.
"I have no idea," said Neo Morpheus, proudly.
Trilogy blinked. "Can you fly this thing?" she said, gesturing at the helicopter.
"No, can you?" said Neo Morpheus.
"No," said Trilogy. "Let's fly it together."
"The armor has comm devices."
"Well, glad we got that plothole outta the way," said Thinks, inserting a disk.
"Fascinating," said Agent Nimoy.
"They're actually attacking," said Agent Elrond.
"Those pricks offed me," said Agent Shinra as he entered, in that same impassive tone of voice.
And then the helicopter hovered next to them outside the window and started to blast everything in the room to bits.
"No," growled Agent Elrond. "Not the upholstery ..."
"Get up, Nebulus!!" called Neo Morpheus as he shot up the room. "Get up!"
The Agents returned fire, but nothing seemed to work.
And then Nebulus woke up, jumped up, raced out --
"NOO!" said Agent Elrond, firing.
-- and Nebulus leaped out the window towards the helicopter.
"Yay! We did it!" said Neo Morpheus.
A bullet hit the helicopter's fuel line. The helicopter began to spin out of control.
"Oh dammers," said Neo Morpheus. "It looks like we're gonna crash, after all."
"Look!" said Nebulus. "Over there, in the sky!"
"What, that?" said Neo Morpheus. "It's a bird."
"No, it's a plane," said Trilogy. "No, wait, it's ..."
Nebulus gave that toothy grin of his. "It's Superman."
And Superman caught the helicopter! He changed his course and carried the helicopter safely to a rooftop.
"Thanks for the, ah, lift," said Neo Morpheus as he got out.
"Any time," said Superman. "The Oracle told me everything."
Nebulus shrugged. "It may be hard to believe, but --"
There was a blue glow, and Superman became Agent Nimoy.
Nebulus had a gun raised and pointed at Agent Nimoy's forehead even before the blue glow faded. A thought cloud containing "@#$%!" appeared briefly above Agent Nimoy's head before Nebulus blew a bullet all the way through him.
The Agent became Superman, who as you know is invincible. "What was that??" he said.
"That was an Agent," said Nebulus. He grinned at Neo Morpheus. "I knew you were the One."
"Um, Nebulus," said Neo Morpheus. "The Oracle said ..."
"He said," said Nebulus, "exactly what you needed to hear."
"Great," said Neo Morpheus. "Here's the comm device."
"Allow me," said Nebulus. "Thinks? Find us a way out."
"See you soon," said Nebulus.
"So let's order the strike already," said Agent Nimoy.
Agent Elrond growled. "They're not out yet ..." he murmered.
The trio arrived at the subway station thingy as a phone began to ring. A homeless old man lay in a tattered sleeping bag nearby.
"Let's go," said Neo Morpheus. "You first, Nebulus."
Nebulus took the phone and vanished. The old man's eyes widened.
"Neo Morpheus," said Trilogy, hanging up the phone (which promptly began ringing again). "There's something I've been wanting to tell you. The oracle told me a lot of things, and all but one of them have come true ..."
"Um, Trilogy," said Neo Morpheus, "you don't need to embarass yourself. It's so obvious what's going on that old guy over there could figure it out. Uh ... the old guy ... who's starting to glow blue ..."
Trilogy grabbed the phone and disappeared just as Agent Elrond fired, blasting the phone to bits.
"What the hell just happened!?" exclaimed Thinks.
"An Agent, that's what!" exclaimed Trilogy.
"Um, can we stop all this exclaimation, please?" exclaimed Nebulus.
"I still don't get exactly why you're here," said Neo Morpheus. "And my name is Neo Morpheus."
"We are here," said Agent Elrond, "to protect the plot continuum within this fanfiction."
"Yeah, but it looks like you're making it worse," said Neo Morpheus.
"Shut up and JUSDIE!" snapped Agent Elrond, firing.
Both leaped into the air, blasting away and entering BULLET TIME. They seemed to hover a moment as the world rotated around them. Then they grabbed each other by the neck and crashlanded, each holding a gun to the other's forehead.
There was a moment of silence.
"Well," said Agent Elrond. "This is a fine mess we're in."
"Yeah," said Neo Morpheus. "Can we start over?"
"No," said Agent Elrond, pulling the trigger.
Neo Morpheus heard the rolling, thunderous sound of a *click*
"D'oh," said Agent Elrond.
Neo Morpheus pulled the trigger on his own gun. There was another click.
"Well, might as well resort to fisticuffs," he said.
They got up and started fighting.
"He's starting to believe," said Nebulus.
"Uh-oh, we got company!" said Thinks. "A bunch of flamers is comin'!"
"I'll take my chances with that," said Agent Elrond, and punched him onto the tracks.
Agent Elrond was holding him down in an instant as he heard the sound of ... an oncoming subway train.
"Do you hear that, Mr. Anderson?" said Agent Elrond. "That is the sound of inevitability: your death."
"You make it sound so corny," said Neo Morpheus. "And I told you already: My name isn't Tim Anderson."
"All right, then," said Agent Elrond. "Goodbye, Mr. Morpheus."
"My name ..." growled Neo Morpheus, "is Snidely Whiplash!"
He jumped up, slamming Agent Elrond into the ceiling. When Agent Elrond hit the tracks, he was wearing a dress and bound head to foot in rope. A thought cloud containing "@#$%!" appeared above his head before the train squished him.
Neo Morpheus jogged towards the escalator, just as the train slammed on its emergency brake ... and Agent Elrond stepped out.
Neo Morpheus looked, then ran.
"He'll make it," said Nebulus.
"Hey!" the man exclaimed. "That guy took my phone!!" He began to glow blue.
"Operator," said Neo Morpheus, "get me the hell outta here!"
"Ooh, I got one!" said Thinks. "The Chase Hotel! Room 303!"
"Right, I'll be there!" said Neo Morpheus.
"C'mon, Neo Morpheus, hurry up!" hissed Thinks.
Neo Morpheus ran towards the hotel, dashing up the fire escape with Agents Shinra and Nimoy in pursuit.
Meanwhile, Agent Elrond looked up the side of the building.
Neo Morpheus raced into the hallway and dashed towards Room 303. Agent Nimoy reached the window just as he opened the door to room 303 --
-- where Agent Elrond was waiting for him, pointing a gun at his chest.
BOOM.
Neo Morpheus fell to the floor due to massive systems damage.
"Oh, crap," said Nebulus. "This really throws a crimp in our plans."
"Check him," said Agent Elrond.
Agent shinra checked for Neo Morpheus's pulse. "He's gone," he said.
The three Agents turned to leave.
"Uh-oh!" said Thinks. "Hull breach! They're gettin' in!"
... just in time to see the words "* RAN DIES *" coalesce above his body.
"He took on the abilities of a character who always comes back to life after getting killed," muttered Agent Nimoy.
Neo Morpheus stood up ... and suddenly he could see the codes of the Fanfix all around him. The Agents were red images, covering green ones.
"Then," said Agent Shinra, "he is the One."
"So, Neo Morpheus," said Agent Elrond, "allow me to make a deal. You fight us because you believe that, freed from the Fanfix, you find yourself in the real world. In reality, that isn't so: the Fanfix is, itself, part of a fanfiction story."
"You said you wanted to make a deal," said Neo Morpheus.
"We will cease our harrassment of your organization," said Agent Elrond, "if you stay within the fanfiction story of which the Fanfix is a part."
"That sounds like a really good deal," said Neo Morpheus, "but I've got a better one. How about I give you the finger ... and you explode in a million fragments that scatter around the entire Internet?"
He gave Agent Elrond the finger. Agent Elrond began to glow green. Cracks appeared all over him. "Oh, come on," he said, and then exploded in a million fragments that scattered around the internet. He was replaced by a very confused-looking stormtrooper.
Neo Morpheus flexed his muscles, and the world flexed with him.
The other two agents exchanged a glance, shrugged, and split.
"NEO!" shouted Trilogy.
"NO!" said Neo Morpheus. "We'll go too! We're as fictional as they are!"
"What??" said Nebulus.
"The Fanfix is a fanfic! It's a collection of fanfics within a fanfic!" said Neo Morpheus. "We're not in the Real World -- we're in another fanfic!"
The Flamer, confused by this series of events, paused a moment.
"Now, look," said Neo Morpheus, turning to the Flamer. "I actually agree with you. This is a godawful fanfic with a dumbass author. But you don't need to make yourself look even dumber."
The Flamer continued to stare. The others looked at them, confused.
"See, you don't have to tear us apart just because you don't like us," said Neo Morpheus. "You can also ... DIE!!"
The Flamer exploded. The other Flamers stared a moment, then fled.
"How the hell ...?" said Nebulus.
"The Fanfix itself is part of a fanfiction," said Neo Morpheus. "We can't escape to the real world." He looked around. "But I'm still the One," he said. "I can still control the Fanfix.
"And we can sure as hell do whatever we want here."