A/N: I must stop doing this.
Warnings: more sap, more angst, more lime, may make you
cry. If it doesn't...well, you're made of sterner stuff than I am.
Disclaimer: come on, you already know I don't own it.
And I don't own There You'll Be by Faith Hill either. But major, major
kudos to her for being such an incredible singer.
Thanks go to everyone who reviewed the first chapter.
Thank you all SO much. Without you, this chapter wouldn't be here. I only
hope it's OK.
________________
I can remember exactly how it happened, so clearly it's
as if I'm reliving the whole thing.
The disbelief was the first thing I remember - the sheer
shock of it. A healthy seventeen year old boy doesn't collapse just like
that. My mind went into overdrive, trying to come up with some other explanation
- he was fooling around, playing a joke or something. Deep down, though,
the hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach told me all I needed to know.
It was then that the whole feeling of unreality set in.
I cradled his head in my lap, stroked strands of golden hair away from his
face, pleaded with him to wake up. Around me everything seemed to slow down
and fade into the background. The words of concerned passers-by fell on deaf
ears. I couldn't hear the traffic, or any of the everyday sounds of the city.
Even the ambulance siren, when it came, was muted. My whole life concentrated
down onto the horribly slow rise and fall of his chest, the soft sounds of
his desperately shallow breathing.
That ambulance ride still stays with me, even today.
No-one looks their best on a stretcher, surrounded by metal painted Antiseptic
White, but even then I knew it was bad. He didn't respond to anything, not
words, not touches, not even the desperate kisses I sneaked when I thought
the paramedic woman wasn't watching.
And then, when we reached the hospital, that horrible
moment of false, empty hope when his eyes opened. I tried not to cry, babbled
some stupid platitude about everything being fine, but he looked straight
through me before his eyes flickered shut again.
It wasn't fair. It isn't fair. Not now, not then,
not ever. What we did is completely overshadowed by what we didn't
do, everything we could have done but weren't allowed to. That's...that was
the thing about Matt, though. He made every little thing so special...
When I think back on these times
And the dreams we left behind
I'll be glad 'cause I was blessed to get
To have you in my life
When I look back on these days
I look and see your face
You were right there for me
One year. That's all we were given. Not even that long
- he died the day before our one-year anniversary. Yet somehow that year
was the best, happiest, most alive year of my life. Matt and I were
inseparable - we went everywhere and did everything together. I don't have
a single memory of that time that doesn't include him - laughing at a joke,
or giving me a radiant smile, or stroking my hair tenderly.
I'm so lucky to have had him, no matter for how short
a time. He was what made me whole. I loved him more than anything - more
than family or friends, more than life. I was with him every moment possible.
And he's still with me...
In my dreams I'll always see you
Soar above the sky
In my heart there'll always be a place for you
For all my life
I'll keep a part of you with me
And everywhere I am there you'll be
I got the biggest shock of my life when he turned up
at the gate. I'd had enough, been unable to take any more of the well-meaning
phone calls and sympathy cards, the 'pat pat's and 'there there's. I walked
away from it all, going to the one place only he and I knew about. I cried
so hard, knowing I could never bring him back, could never see him again.
That's why I was so incredulous when I did see him...
My brain completely froze - I choked out a disbelieving
'Matt?', then saw his face crumple into tears. I could never bear to see
him cry, so I threw myself at him and held him tight, only to find moisture
in my eyes too. I cried floods of tears, not knowing or caring how he was
there, just praying it could last forever.
Of course, I knew as well as he did that that was more
than we could hope for, so I resolved to make as much of our time together
as possible.
I had to ask, obviously. How was he here? He tightened
his arms around me and spilled out this wild story in a rush of words. Half
of it I didn't understand, the other half I almost couldn't believe. I pushed
it aside, though - all I cared about was the fact that he was here,
standing right in front of me. The love of my life, who had died just the
day before, had somehow come back to me, and for that moment he was all the
mattered to me in the world. I led him over to the gate, kissed away his
tears, cried myself. After a few minutes of just holding him in my arms,
I opened the gate and led him out into the field.
It was strange, I guess. So perfect, so incredibly perfect,
like an answer to my prayers, but still...strange. I held him carefully,
scared that if I touched him too clumsily he'd shatter or vanish. He kept
stroking my face, running his fingers gently over my lips as if to reassure
himself that he could touch me. All the emotion, all the love I had for him
came welling up again, overwhelming me. I never wanted to let him go, even
though I knew that I'd have to all too soon...
His touches were so light on my skin, the way they always
were. I caught one of his hands and brought it to my lips, tracing his long
fingers with my tongue. He smiled down at me, sadness and love mixing on
his face, framed by a halo of golden hair.
Someone once called his hair 'corn blonde', but out there
it was obvious how wrong they were. The rippling field of barley was dull
by comparison. His hair shone like liquid sunlight, and was warm against
my fingers when I slid my hand up his cheek and through the soft strands.
The whole world seemed washed out compared to him - he looked so bright and
beautiful. His eyes were bluer than the sky, his creamy skin whiter than
the clouds. Everything about him was so intense my heart nearly broke.
We got dressed in silence, afterwards. I couldn't think
of anything to say - what do you say to someone who's...dead?
I hate that word. Dead. So leaden and final. Matt's not
dead. He's still alive.
It's hard to explain, but somehow it all started when
his hand slipped out of mine. When I realised he was fading, my stomach turned
over. My eyes were so full of tears I couldn't see. He said he loved me;
I blinked away my tears and blew him a kiss, which he caught. I told him
I loved him too.
Then he looked at me, sorrow and love fighting in his
eyes, and told me to come back in a year. I thought he was just saying it
to make me feel better. I wanted to believe it so much, but I didn't dare.
Somehow I knew I'd never see him again.
That year was the hardest I've ever had to live through.
Rebuilding my life without Matt was like trying to build a wall without mortar
- long, exhausting work, and everything fell apart again at the slightest
thing. I remember going into my room and seeing a picture of the two of us,
grinning like idiots, hugging each other in that new-love way. I broke down
in tears - I couldn't stand knowing that he'd left me. I cried hundreds of
times - when mum took his number off the speed dial, when I found a letter
he'd written me, when everyone got together and he wasn't there...
Somehow, though, at the end of that year my feet drew
me back to the old wooden gate. I was terrified and resigned at the same
time - I dreaded him not turning up, and yet I knew deep inside that he wasn't
going to.
He did. I was ecstatic at seeing him again, despite everything,
despite knowing that he was...no longer in this world. We hugged, kissed,
and then I took his hand and we...made love.
The difference was, when he faded...some part of him
stayed with me.
Well you showed me how it feels
To feel the sky within my reach
And I always will remember all the strength you gave
to me
Your love made me make it through
Oh, I owe so much to you
You were right there for me
It was my first day at university. I'd left high school
behind grudgingly, not wanting to relinquish all the memories of Matt, not
wanting to forget that precious year.
There was such a crowd that morning. Everyone was rushing
to sign up for their new courses, and I felt so alone. Everywhere people
were talking and laughing, and I was in the middle of it all. Suddenly, something
caught my eye - like sunlight reflected off a mirror. I looked up and there
he was, his golden hair glowing softly in the morning light. He looked at
me, and gave me that wonderful smile - not the dazzling one that first attracted
me, but the secret, shy smile I fell in love with.
Some passer-by walked across my line of sight, and by
the time I could see again he'd gone, leaving my heart unsure whether to
wrench with loss or lurch with joy.
It's been like that ever since. Every time I've made
some big step, achieved something major, he's been there - always in the
background, but always there.
Matt was always my strength. When I didn't believe I
could do something, he'd reassure me, tell me he believed in me. And I did
it. When I swore I was going to get a D in geography, he sat up with me every
night, talking me through exercise after exercise until I came out with an
A. When I sprained my ankle two days before the biggest soccer match of my
life, he bathed it, massaged it, even fell asleep holding an ice pack on
it. And it was better, and we won.
Now, although he can't do that sort of thing any more,
he's still there for me. When I need him most, he's there. On those long
nights when I'm so lonely I could cry, I can feel him lying next to me, holding
me. On the day I graduated from university, I saw him in the crowd, and his
blue eyes locked with mine for just one stolen second. I know he's watching
me. Everything I do, I do it for him. He's my reason.
People always ask me why I don't put flowers on his grave,
and if I were to answer I'd say - because I know he isn't there. He's somewhere
else, somewhere just out of reach but close enough for me to see him. And
once a year, I get to hold him, touch him, make love to him.
'Cause I always saw in you my light
My strength
And I want to thank you now for all the ways
You were right there for me
Always
That's another thing everyone invariably asks me. Why
am I still single, after all these years?
They can never see that I'm not. Just because
Matt's not with me doesn't mean my heart's not with him. I think about him
every single day of my life. I'm still desperately in love with him, the
way I always was. We may only get to see each other once a year, but it's
almost enough...almost...
Matt...why can't I have you back? Why can't you
be here, in my arms, and everything be like it used to?
Of course I know it can't, but that doesn't stop me wishing.
I still remember so much about him. How warm his arms
were that night when we sat together on the hillside above Odaiba, watching
the stars come out one by one and sharing slow kisses. How soft his hair
was against my fingers on those long evenings when we'd just sit together
in front of the fire. How beautiful he looked, lying on top of me, surrounded
by shifting stalks of barley. If I concentrate, I can visualise him - leaning
on our gate, looking up at me through his hair, smiling at me.
I prefer not to do that. It makes me cry too much.
His song came on the radio the other night. I was driving,
and I had to pull over because I just couldn't see any more. My eyes were
full of tears; the road was just a dark blur. It's been so long, and yet
his memory still has the power to make me cry.
I parked the car, shut off the lights, climbed out. The
air was crisp and cold, almost taking my breath away. Behind me, in the car,
the song played on, the gentle beat and smooth lyrics rolling out into the
night. I stuck my hands in my pockets to keep them warm and just cried. I
cried for Matt, for all the years we never got to spend together, for all
the things we never did. I cried because I still loved him, more than ever.
Most of all, I cried because I could feel him there, and yet I couldn't touch
him.
I felt so empty, afterwards. So alone, like no-one in
the world cared about me. I was desperate to have Matt there, to hold him
tight and bury my face in his hair, but I couldn't.
One day, though, I will. I know I'll see him again, and
then I'll be able to take his hand, pull him close to me and kiss him. Then
I'll be whole again, instead of the half-empty shell he left behind.
Matt...please wait for me...
In my dreams I'll always see you
Soar above the sky
In my heart there'll always be a place for you
For all my life
I'll keep a part of you with me
And everywhere I am there you'll be
There you'll be...