Disclaimer: If you really want to pretend that JK wrote
this, we'll let you.
Is it indeed toward your mate you
sing? or is it really to me?
For I, that was a child, my
tongue's use sleeping, now I have heard you,
Now in a moment I know what I am
for, I awake,
And already a thousand singers, a
thousand songs, clearer, louder and more sorrowful than yours,
A thousand warbling echoes have
started to life within me, never to die.
-Walt Whitman, "Out of the Cradle
Endlessly Rocking"
The only
sound in the flat was the steady thudding of his fingers on the kitchen table.
Sirius twitched in his seat, briefly considered doing the dishes, and stared at
the kitchen door. Where the hell was Moony? The picnic had ended an hour and a
half ago- long enough for Sirius to have dropped off Natalia and come
home. Long enough for him to have
changed robes, read the Daily Prophet, and paced the length of the flat several
times before settling down in the kitchen to lie in wait for Remus.
The
picnic today had been an unqualified disaster from his point of view. Remus'
mood from the night before had not abated by this morning, and he barely said a
word all day. Which really pissed Sirius off- why couldn't he just get mad and
yell like a normal person? Remus' silences were far worse than anyone else's
tantrums. For one thing, they were completely and totally distracting. It was
absolutely impossible to concentrate on anything else when Remus was behaving
like that.
Sirius
checked his watch for the fourth time in fifteen minutes, sighed, and
re-cataloged his numerous woes. Natalia was irritated with him now; she had
made that quite clear when he dropped her off at her flat.
"Why did
you invite me to the stupid picnic if you weren't planning to talk to me the
entire day?" He had to admit she had a point. But this, also, was all Remus' fault. He wouldn't swim; he wouldn't play
Quidditch- he just sat under the same bloody tree all afternoon. What was he
supposed to do? Just let Moony sit there like a lump with a dark look on his
face? He was trying to be a good friend. Well, bugger that, because apparently everyone was pissed at him now.
He
thought about throwing something, but realized he'd just have to clean it up.
Where had he put that bottle of Drambuie?
A soft
'pop' from the living room brought Sirius to his feet. "Remus?" He tried to keep the annoyance out
of his voice.
There
was a long silence. "Padfoot? I didn't expect you to be home." Remus appeared
in the doorway, his face tired.
"Where
have you been?" The words came out more harshly than he'd intended. It was a
demand, not a question.
Remus
looked taken aback. "What? I was helping clean up after the picnic. What are
you doing here? Where's Natalia?"
"Home.
What's wrong with you?" The words tumbled out of his mouth before he could stop
them.
"What?"
The single word was spoken sharply, and Remus' eyes narrowed.
"You
know what I'm talking about. You
stormed out of the bar last night, you hardly said two words all day today, and
you're…" He stopped. Usually he could feel his way through any situation with
Remus. True, his natural composure made it difficult to know what he was
thinking. He had enormous reserves of control. But Sirius had known him so
long, he'd become good at reading his moods, and he'd never seen him like this.
"I'm
what?" The words were spoken mildly, but they were unmistakably a warning.
"You've
completely closed yourself off, and it's a really bad time for that, Moony."
All of a sudden, he wanted to see him break. He wanted to see Remus lose that
iron control; he wanted to see him.
"Five days. It's less than a week before the Fidelius Charm. And after that,
how often will we see them? We won't, Remus. Not until this is all over, somehow. These are our last few days together."
"You
think I don't know that?" Remus' voice was still calm, but there was a
dangerous edge to it.
"Then
why did you spend the entire day ignoring all of us? Why won't you talk to us?
What the hell happened yesterday?" Sirius found himself on his feet.
"I'm
tired. I'm too tired for this." Remus ran his hand through his hair. "I'm going
to bed."
"You're
not leaving." Sirius moved to block the door. "Not before this conversation is over."
"This
conversation is over."
"No,
it's not."
"Move
aside." Remus closed the small distance between them; they were scant inches
away from each other now, eyes locked. With a faint sense of shock, Sirius realized how easily this could turn
into a physical confrontation.
"No." Angry
gold threatened to subsume the cool green in Remus' hazel eyes. Neither of them seemed to be blinking
anymore, Sirius noted. He struggled to draw a breath against the weight on his
chest.
Remus
finally broke eye contact. "It doesn't have anything to do with you, Sirius.
It's my own affair."
"That's
the problem. Everything's your own affair."
"What
are you talking about?" His tone of
voice deflected the intensity of the moment; suddenly it was as if their
conversation was no more than a friendly chat about the weather.
Something
inside Sirius broke open completely. "Jesus Christ, Moony! How the hell do you
do that? I know you're seriously upset about something. And I know you're
completely hacked off at me right now- I'm standing here blocking you from
leaving your own damn kitchen. So talk to me! Yell at me! Don't you need
anybody?"
Remus'
entire body froze. "I'm not baring my soul to you. That doesn't mean I've shut the world out," he said finally.
"Then
there is someone privy to the inner workings of Remus Lupin? I find that hard
to believe." Sirius's voice was bitter and biting. "Oh, because haven't you
heard? Ordinary mortals can't possibly understand
him."
For a
moment, Sirius thought that Remus was going to hit him. He'd never seen that
look on Moony's face before. His
familiar face was twisted into a mask of unguarded anger and something
else…something that made his heart pound. It's the adrenaline, he thought. It's
the charge of actually seeing him break.
"Who the
fuck do you think you are?" Remus nearly snarled. Sirius could feel the heat of Remus' anger enfold him, and he
stiffened his pose in the doorway. "What claim do you think you have on me? Give me one good reason my life
should be an open book to you." He pinned Sirius with his eyes.
Sirius
opened his mouth, but no words emerged. He didn't know whether it was because
he didn't have a good answer, or if it was just impossible to speak with Remus
looking at him like that.
"I
thought so," Remus growled, and his arm shot out. Sirius found himself on the
floor of the kitchen watching Remus slam the door of his bedroom before he knew
what had happened. Well, he'd wanted to see him lose control, he thought, his
heart hammering against his chest. He picked himself up from the floor shakily.
Remus had never used his strength against him before, and God, he was strong.
He
wasn't willing to let this end here. Adrenaline was coursing through his body,
and he thought it would be worth it to get good and beaten up if meant that
Moony would talk to him.
"Moony?"
He strode over to Remus' door and pounded on it. "Moony!"
"Get.
Away. From. The. Door."
"Please?
Please. I know it has something to do
with yesterday. With that
werewolf. I don't know what you're
thinking, Moony, but that's not you. It's got nothing to do with you. I've
never seen you intentionally hurt anyone in my entire life."
There
was a long silence, and Sirius leaned against the door to catch any sounds
behind it. Finally he heard Remus' voice. He was obviously right up against the
other side of the door, but Sirius had to strain to catch the words. "Don't
presume to know what I'm capable of, Padfoot. I don't know what I'm capable of."
***
The
noise inside the Leaky Cauldron was clamorous, the booths and tables filled to
capacity. All except one. Sirius and Natalia
sat in a far corner, their table cloaked in uncomfortable silence. He'd fled to her house the night before,
after his row with Remus. It hadn't
been a very good idea, he could see that now, but at the time he'd been so
wound up and restless he hadn't been able to think straight. And now there was an air of tension between
them that seemed to be mounting with each passing moment. He looked across the table at Natalia, who
sat fiddling with the napkin under the drink in front of her.
"Seems
ridiculous to sit here in silence," Sirius offered, in an attempt at
conversation.
She
glanced up at him, with a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. "Yes, I
suppose so."
"I'm
sorry that I've been so…distracted lately. It's just that I'm so concerned about Lily and James…"
Natalia
shook her head quickly. "No, Sirius. They've got a really bad situation right
now, and I know you have to help them. I just wish that when you were
with me, you'd be happier about it. It just seems that we never have any time
to ourselves." She gave him a searching glance and then spoke,
tentatively. "It seems like, maybe, you
don't want to be alone with me."
He
rolled his eyes and sighed loudly. "Now, that is ridiculous." The instant
he finished speaking, he spotted Remus across the room. Oh dear Lord. He'd forgotten that he'd invited Moony. This was going to require
some delicate handling.
"Er…Natalia?
Don't get mad, okay?" Perhaps not the best opening. With a look of dawning
comprehension, she scanned the room. Her face turned thunderous as she spotted Remus.
"I don't
believe you," she hissed.
"I'm
sorry, I'm really sorry. It's just that we had a bit of a row last night. We're
all rather having a time of it lately, and I thought it would be good if--"
"You had
a fight last night?" She interrupted him. "You…and….he? Had a fight?" It was as
if she was on the verge of solving a difficult Arithmancy problem. "Would this
fight have taken place about fifteen minutes before you came over to my flat?"
Her voice scaled up, and had Sirius been paying closer attention, he would have
caught the outrage.
"Shh,
he's almost here. Hey, Moony!" He waved his hand so Remus could locate them in
the crowded pub. Okay, so maybe this wasn't such a great idea. This afternoon, it had seemed like a
brilliant tactic. Natalia could be a buffer between he and Remus, and Remus'
presence could diffuse the awkwardness of his ill-planned visit to Natalia's last
night. But from the look on Moony's
face as he spotted Natalia at the table, he might have set himself up for a
really uncomfortable situation.
"Have a
seat, Moony." His best defense, Sirius decided, was to be completely oblivious
to the tension at the table.
"Hello,
Natalia." Remus' greeting was pleasant, but his spine was so stiff he resembled
a coat-rack.
"Good
evening, Remus." She tried to approximate his tone, but there was a noticeable
undercurrent of annoyance.
"I'm
sorry. I won't interrupt your evening—I was just stopping to say hello." He
ventured a half-smile.
"What
are you talking about? I invited you. Sit down." Both Remus and Natalia shot
him looks- Remus' exasperation, Natalia's incredulity.
"No,
that's fine. You two have a nice evening." Remus nodded at them and turned to
go, but Sirius seized his arm and pulled him into the chair.
A very
long, very tense silence followed.
"Should
we order wine?" attempted Sirius, brightly.
"Look,
I'm just going to go." Remus started to rise, but Sirius shot out his hand in
protest.
"No!
You're staying. We're all staying."
Natalia
gave him a searching look and reached for her bag. "No, Sirius. We're not. I
can tell when I'm not needed. I'm going home." Seeing that Remus was hastily rising again, she stopped him, shaking her
head as she stepped away from the table. "Goodbye Sirius, Remus." And she
turned, striding quickly from the pub.
Sirius
sat back in utter shock. Somewhere
along the line this evening had gone horribly wrong, and he was at a loss to
explain why.
Remus was
gesturing frantically toward the door. "Go after her, you daft bastard!"
Sirius
nodded mutely, and bounded toward the door. Stepping out onto the deserted
street, he spotted Natalia already halfway down the block. He raced down the street, shouting after
her. "Natalia! Please wait!"
She
stopped at the corner, and waited for him to catch up. The street-lantern burning above her head
gave Natalia's face a fierce intensity. "I don't really think there's anything to say, Sirius."
"Nothing
to say?" he spluttered. "After all this time there's nothing to say? Shouldn't
we at least talk about this? Please don't do this, not now. "
"Do
what? I haven't done anything. That's the material point! I should have done this a long time ago."
"Why?"
His brow furrowed as he said angrily, "I don't understand why you're doing it
now!"
Natalia
gave him a piercing glance, and then spoke so quietly Sirius had to strain to
hear. "You won't like what I'm going to
say."
"Please,
Natalia. Just say something."
Her eyes
narrowed. "Fine. I'm just not prepared to be someone else's stand-in."
He shook
his head. "I don't have a clue what you're talking about."
"Oh, I
think you do. There's something going on here, and it doesn't have a thing to
do with me. Last night proved that."
He
grimaced. "Look, I already said I was sorry that I was a little…rough. I don't
know what else to say."
Natalia
smiled sadly. "I wouldn't have minded, Sirius, if it had been about us. But it
wasn't…and it hasn't been for a while. It's not fair to me, Sirius. And I won't
do it anymore. Goodbye." She paused for a moment and then turned away. He watched until her dark figure disappeared
into the horizon.
Remus
was still sitting at the table, looking as nervous as Remus ever looked. He raised an eyebrow questioningly. Sirius shook his head, and sat back on his
chair with a defeated thud. Remus
quickly leaned forward, a look of concern on his face.
"I'm
sorry, Sirius. Did she tell you why?" Sirius nodded dispiritedly.
"She
said it wasn't about her. That it hadn't been for a while. I'm not sure what I
did to make it about me, but that's what she said." He shrugged. "I guess…she's
right. I've been so wrapped up in
myself, with Lily and James, and I suppose I haven't been very attentive to
her." He heaved a great sigh and shook his head. "I've been dumped. That
fucking sucks."
Remus
nodded sympathetically. "Had the two of you talked about a future together? I
mean, the other night you were considering marriage and now…" He trailed off. Sirius
shrugged and looked away.
"I never
mentioned it to her. I got scared, I suppose. Big step, and all that. Anyway,
aren't you the one that said it wasn't a good idea?"
"Hey, I
never said that. I said I thought it was sudden, that's all. Besides, I'm not
the one to be asking about things like that." Sirius could tell Remus was
getting irritated and he knew he should let the subject drop; they were moving
into tender territory here. But he found he couldn't help himself. During the last few days, he'd been seeing
an entirely different side of his friend, and he wanted more.
"Why do
you keep saying that, Moony? What is it that makes you unqualified as an
advisor? Haven't you ever been in love?" He instantly regretted his words.
Remus' eyes narrowed, and Sirius could see that unfathomable something glinting from inside them. And
then it was gone, locked away behind Remus' resolve.
"Are you
trying to pick a fight, Sirius?" Remus spoke quietly; his precise words a mix
of threat and steel.
Sirius
shook his head. "No. I don't want to fight anymore. I just want you to talk to
me, Remus. I know that you're…" but
Remus cut him off sharply.
"You
don't know. You can't."
Sirius
knew he was right. There were aspects of Remus' life that he knew he could never
fully appreciate, and it tore at him. "Okay, fine. I don't know. But you
could help me to understand, couldn't you?"
Remus
folded his arms as Sirius gazed at him imploringly. "Please, Moony."
"Werewolves
mate for life. Did you know that? Do you know what that means?"
Sirius
leaned forward, his startled brain racing. He spoke slowly and deliberately.
"You mean…if you…it's…"
Remus
laughed mirthlessly. "Yes, Sirius. That's exactly what it means." Sirius sat
back, and hoped that he didn't look as incredulous as he felt. He could feel
Remus watching him.
"Okay,
Moony. I'll admit it. That is not
what I thought you were going to say." He shook his head, laughing, unable to
stop the goofy grin that was spreading over his face. Thankfully, Remus was laughing
as well, and Sirius could feel some of the tension between them dissipating.
"Aren't
you glad you asked?"
Sirius nodded, still laughing. "So, now what? Any other deep, dark secrets
you'd care to share tonight?"
Something
flickered again in his bottomless hazel eyes, but Remus smiled, and shook his
head. Raising his hand, he signaled the bartender. Remus grinned broadly at the
inquiring look Sirius gave him. "Only
one thing left to do, mate. Drink heavily in an attempt to forget what a lousy
prick you are."
***
If
Sirius drank any more, he really would forget who he was. He was having a hard enough time staying in
his chair. He opened his eyes widely in
an attempt to clear the blur, and succeeded enough to see Remus leaning
forward, his elbows resting haphazardly on the table. Remus raised his head,
and peered at Sirius through the one eye he was able to keep open.
"I think
that last whisky shot was the bad one, Siriusss." He snickered. "Siriusss. You
have a silly name. So many s'sss. Makes me sound drunk."
Sirius
chortled loudly. "You are drunk, you
prat. You're very, very drunk." He tried to point an admonishing finger at his
inebriated friend, but found that he was suddenly unable to focus his eyes on
just one Remus. "Stop moving around, Moony! I'm trying to point at you!"
Remus
giggled. "I'm not moving! I'm sitting. I'm sitting very still. You're the drunk
one. You can't even point!"
"I think
you're both fairly gone, gents. Time to pack it in." Both Remus and Sirius
turned drunkenly toward Tom the bartender who was standing over them, both
hands on his hips in a position of fatherly concern.
Sirius
looked from Tom, to Remus, and back to Tom in confusion. "We're not gone, Tom!
We're right here!" Tom shook his head, and offered both hands to the drunken
men. He pulled them up with the familiarity of a man who's seen lifetime of
similar sights, and pushed them toward the stairs.
"Neither
of you are going home tonight. Room 3's open. I won't take the chance of you to
gits trying to Apparate and getting yourselves splinched."
Remus
stopped and grabbed Sirius's arm as he stumbled. He turned back to Tom. "You're
just the nicest man, Tom."
Tom
grinned, and shook his head. "Get along with you upstairs, now. There's water
on the nightstand. Take my advice and drink some. "
They
stumbled toward the open staircase. Sirius wrapped his arm around Remus' waist.
"I have to hold you up. You'll fall down if I don't!" He exclaimed in response
to the look Remus gave him. Remus laughed as Sirius tripped over the front
step. He looped his arm around Sirius' back and half-carried him up the
stairs. He kicked open the door to Room
3 and dropped Sirius inside the darkened room.
"Ouch,
Moony. That hurt." He pouted at Remus and rubbed the sore spot on his bum. He
could hear Remus stumbling around the darkened room, cracking into furniture
and swearing.
"I can't
find the bloody-ow-sodding-ouch!-light. What's this? Oh, it's the bed." A soft
thud came from the direction of the bed, as Remus dropped onto it. "Screw the
light anyway. Too much work."
It was
suddenly very apparent to Sirius that water was an immediate necessity.
"Moony?" His voice wavered. "Can I have the water?" He heard Remus rolling off
the bed, and fumbling along the nightstand. "Can't see a bloody thing…oh,
here…" Remus made his way along the floor, and approached Sirius' prone
form. He thrust the goblet into Sirius'
waiting hand. "Water!"
Clumsily,
Sirius drank from the goblet, spilling most of the contents down the length of
his robes. "Oh. I…spilled. Look!" He grabbed for Remus' arm.
"It's
dark! I can't see. Oh. Right." Remus
fumbled in his robes, finally pulling his wand from his pocket. "What's the
spell for Lumos?" The wand's tip sparked, startling Remus and illuminating Sirius
and his sodden robes.
Sirius
gave him a look of utter agony. "Oh, Moony! I'm all wet," he moaned.
"Take
your robe off, then!"
"No!"
Sirius moaned again. "I'll be practically starkers. And you won't. It'll be
like that bad dream where I'm back at Hogwarts, standing in the Great Hall, and
I look down and see that I'm completely starkers
and everyone's staring at me. And that's not even the worst part. I see Snape
and he's…"
Remus
cut him off quickly, shuddering. "Fine! I'll take my robes off too. Anything to
make you stop telling that story!"
The dim
light of the wand flickered as the two fumbled with their robes. Finally
discarding the garments, Remus led the way toward the bed. They clambered up onto the soft bed,
discovering that it was quite a snug fit for two grown men. But personal space
didn't seem too crucial an issue to Sirius at the moment. He flopped down
haphazardly, moving only when Remus nudged or pushed him out of the middle.
They lay
in silence for a moment. Sirius found he was oddly comforted by the solid heat
of Remus' body next to his. He breathed
in pine and musk, a scent distinctly Remus, and found he was comforted by that
as well.
"Moony?"
"Mm-hmm?"
Remus answered groggily.
"You're very strong, aren't you. I forget sometimes…that
you're so strong." The words came unbidden from his mouth. His drunken state
had obviously loosened his tongue.
"Yes. I'm very, very strong. I'm also very,
very drunk."
Sirius giggled. God. He was drunk. "Because you don't look
as strong as you are," he continued. "And then you surprise me." His addled
brain was swirling with vague thoughts and actions, but one idea was coming
through crystal clear.
He wanted to touch
Remus.
With the certainty of the very drunk, Sirius reached out a wavering
hand until it came in contact with Remus' forearm. It was solid and sinewy,
covered with a layer of soft hair. Unconsciously, his fingers stroked upwards, sliding along Remus' arm,
along the powerful bicep. It was the
strangest thing, to feel the steely musculature of Remus' body. It was all
angles and curves, covered with hair, so unlike anything Sirius had ever known.
Dimly, he became aware of his desire to touch more. He paused briefly at the
sculpted shoulder, waiting for Remus to stop him, but he made no sound. Encouraged, he trailed his fingers down
Remus' sternum. He heard a sharp intake
of breath as his fingers traveled along Remus' hard stomach, and he splayed his
hand full out across the rigid plane. Something tightened
inside his chest, as he felt Remus tensing beneath him. Tentatively, his
fingers brushed against the pattern of hair just beneath his navel. Suddenly,
Sirius felt a strong grip encircle his wrist. He slowly exhaled. "Sorry. I…um…"
Remus cut him off, dropping his hand back by
his side. "It's okay. Let's just go to sleep, alright?"
"Yeah. That's a good idea." Sirius lay quietly, trying to make sense of
what had just happened. He felt so odd…so…he couldn't put his finger on it. Not
like he'd put his fingers on Remus. Which had been nice. Which
was…odd…really…because…he drifted off to sleep.
Author's Notes: This
particular installment is dedicated to Honeychurch's potential hedgehog that
will not be named Seamifer, and to Signy, the werewolf girl, who has the
potential to be the cheesiest character ever created in the history of fan
fiction-which is saying a lot.