DISCLAIMERS: As I rummaged through Joss' garbage last night, I saw that he'd left his bathroom window slightly open . Grabbing my trusty crowbar I had in my...uh...hand, for emergencies and stuff...you know...well, anyways, grabbing it, I wedged it open enough for me to squeeze inside. Wow! I hit paydirt! By the time the cops came to investigate the house alarm going off, I was running down the backyards with his hairbrush, some used Kleenex, a toothbrush (barely rinsed), and a water-bottle filled with pee-water! He'd forgotten to flush! SCORE!

THANKS: Thanks to James Marsters for being so damn amazing. Thanks to Joss for creating BTVS. Thanks to Bub for being my beta-buddy. Thanks to me for being so damn sexy! Yay me!

UPDATE: Buffybot had lattes. Buffybot broke up with Riley. Buffybot was hit on by a horny college guy and shoved him across the room. No one really cared. Buffybot made Xander the happiest guy on earth and frenched Willow. Buffybot was a busy little bee, wasn't she? Willow ran to Giles and they started looking for clues as to why Buffy was acting all GAY!now! And all WEIRD!now! Buffy was busy doing her hair and looking in her closet I guess. I dunno.

*************************************************************

"What do you mean he won't come to the phone?" Buffy demanded, annoyed. These Initiative guys were a real piece of work. "What's wrong with him? I hurt his feelings? When? Look, I didn't mean to leave that pee-bucket in the closet, okay, I just...what? Um...you don't know what I'm talking about? Uh, well, me neither. Just forget I even said the words 'pee-bucket', okay? Look, I have to go, tell Riley I'll call him later...well, I think he will come to the phone next time I call!" She slammed the phone down, annoyed. "Jerk." The handle snapped in two, the receiver dangling by some colourful wires. "Oops."

She stepped out of the payphone gingerly, feeling like a total delinquent. Some Slayer she was. Buffy the Payphone Slayer. It had a certain ring to it. Hee! Ring! She giggled a bit at her internal joke, but immediately felt bad as an older gentleman walked towards the booth and got inside. She beat a hasty retreat as the man entered the glass cubicle.

She walked through the quiet of the graveyard, absentmindedly staking a fledgling vamp without even stopping, stake back in her pocket before he'd even finished dying. Again. He dusted as she walked through him, his surprised face swirling away into a million tiny specks. It would have been beautiful, if it wasn't so morbid. Buffy sighed.

Buffy was bored. And annoyed. Men were so difficult to figure out. One night her boyfriend gives her wonderful, amazing sex, and the next thing you know he's pouting like a little girl with a broken dolly. Even Angel wasn't this broody.

Then there were her friends. Willow was acting like a maniac, asking her odd questions that made no sense and frowning at her every word. She'd taken off during school and Buffy hadn't seen her since. And that night, at the Bronze, Xander had smiled at her so much she thought his face might split. Every time she'd said something he'd stuttered and swallowed, wiping his hands on his pants until she'd finally given up on talking to him and turned, in desperation, to Anya. Anya, on the other hand, hadn't even looked at her, just glared at the grinning Xander, finally smacking him hard in the shoulder and storming off into the upstairs. At that point Buffy had just given up and gone patrolling.

The sound of a scuffle made her perk up. A decent slay would get rid of some of her tension. She could use a good fight. Plus, you know, job and fate and destiny and weight of the world and all that. Or whatever it was that Giles was mumbling about the other day, she'd tuned him out in favor of the 'Elle' magazine that she'd hidden behind her horribly boring Watcher-book. Until Giles took it away, that is.

Coming around a mausoleum, she was bitterly disappointed to find not some demons creating havoc and running amuck, but Spike beating the un-living tar out of some beefy looking vamp. She paused, watching him pummel the larger vampire viciously, toying with it, mocking it. Spike was obviously enjoying himself. Sicko she thought as he gave the vampire a brutal kick to the face. Only a twisted individual would like to fight like this. She turned to go, but two more appeared out of nowhere, jumping on him and making him stumble a bit. Reacting, she threw her stake, piercing the closer one through it's back, sending a wave of dust over Spike and the other two. The three vamps looked up in surprise, Goon One and Goon Two gaping at her. Spike straightened and gave her a slow smile.

"Hello Slayer." He drawled, eyes flowing over her body like water. "Come to rescue me have you?"

"Not even close Spike." Buffy strode into the clearing, making the other two panic and scatter. Spike grabbed Goon Two easily, throwing it to the ground. Buffy went after Goon One, delivering a well-placed kick to the back of it's thigh, making it lose it's balance with a shout. "I'm just doing my job." She punched the unlucky number One in the face, breaking it's nose and getting a snarl in return. "What's your excuse?" Goon One scrambled on the ground, making a break for it, but Buffy jumped on it, knees grinding painfully into it's arms. "Enjoy your stay in Hell, I hear it's a real hot spot!" She said, shoving her stake through it's heart.

Spike sighed. "That was the lamest quip I've ever heard from you." He said, snapping Goon Two's neck with a quick twist. "It made me not even care about killing this one." He curled his lip, shaking his duster clean.

Buffy shrugged, brushing dust off her arms. "Whatever Spike. I'm outta here."

Spike quickly stepped in front of her possessively, bodies almost touching, a slight leer on his face. She sighed and gave him her best disgruntled look. "What do you want now Spike?" She asked impatiently, hands on her hips.

He smirked a little at that and leaned closer. "I think you know what I want."

Buffy blinked. "What?" She said, surprised. Was he...coming on to her?!

Spike stared at her, pinning her in place with his eyes. "I said..." He bent down slightly, lips an inch away from hers, half an inch, one third..."I. Think. You. Know. What. I. Want." He breathed. His lips brushed hers with the last word and she recoiled in shock. Spike grabbed her arms and yanked her close again, giving a little laugh.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Buffy gasped, too surprised to think clearly.

"Oh, don't play this game with me now Slayer." Spike looked heavenwards and rolled his eyes. "It's a little old, don't you think?"

Recovering , she shoved him hard, and he went down, sprawled on his back before her. The look he gave her said he'd be more than happy if she joined him there, in the grass and dirt, in the dust of dead vampires. He gave her hot-eyes, tongue between his teeth, looking way too confident in his sexuality for her liking. Suddenly he swept his foot over her feet and she was on her back, winded. Spike was on top of her in a flash, hands pinning her down, lips hot on hers. She gasped and his tongue slipped in, rubbing against hers, licking at her. She was shocked. She was revolted. She was extremely wet.

Spike thrust against her and she wrapped her legs around his waist. But, instead of the mutual grinding he was expecting, he was treated to just how tight Buffy could squeeze. His ribs cracked.

"Jesus Buffy!" He tore his mouth away and grimaced in pain. Buffy squeezed again and he arched helplessly. "Stop it you bitch!"

"Stop it?" Buffy tightened some more. "You stop it!" She twisted, pulling him down to the ground, and kicked him away. He rolled to his side, groaning. She got up and kicked him again, hard. "Can this day get any more stupid?" She asked.

"I doubt it." He moaned, clutching his side.

"No one asked you." Buffy snapped. "UGH! I have to go home and shower. For about two days straight." She aimed another kick into him and he jerked a bit, grunting quietly. "Pig!"

"Oh, I see. You just came here to taunt me. Typical Slayer move. Shouldn't be surprised. Well, carry on then, off to your perfect little life, where you don't have me to push around and use like some little stable-boy. Ole Spikey isn't gonna give it to you now, no matter how much you beg for it next time."

"Wha-at?" Buffy spat, completely pissed off. "You're crazy!" She stomped off, muttering under her breath.

"I'm crazy?" Spike shouted after her, hissing as a jolt of pain ran down his body. "I'm crazy? Me? You're the crazy one here Slayer! You!"

Buffy turned. "Shut up! Just shut up Spike! And don't you ever try anything like that again!"

"You wish!" He yelled to her rapidly retreating back. She turned and gave him the finger, making him swear at her, loudly. She gasped at his words and threw a rock at him. It bounced off the top of his head with an amusing little 'bong!' and she laughed, ignoring the even louder, more creative curses he sent after her as she left.

*************************************************

Spike watched her go, still clutching his ribs. "Dammit..." He winced as a stabbing pain shot through his side. "Ow!"

He knelt on the ground, slowly making his way upright. What the hell was her problem anyways? The girl was a complete nutcase. One minute she's tonguing a bottle of beer to entice him, the next she's telling him to get lost. Then she shows up at his crypt and fucks him for hours on end, and when he tries to get a little more, she crushes him like a tin can. "Bloody tease." He muttered, standing up slowly. "Well, next time she's all worked up because her saluting idiot of a boyfriend can't do it for her, she'd better not come running to me for satisfaction." He thought of the kiss he'd taken from her, how she'd kissed him back for just a moment, her teeth sharp against his mouth and scoffed. Who was he kidding? He'd do it again in a heartbeat if she showed up. He'd never had it so good.

Her taste was still on him, her taste mixed with a bit of blood from when she'd nipped at him in passion. He grinned and licked at his lips, enjoying the combined flavors...and frowned. "Wait a minute." He licked again, thinking. She hadn't tasted like this before. In fact, she hadn't tasted like...well, anything. He looked up in the direction she'd gone, eyes narrowed. Something was wrong. Something was very, very wrong, and he was right in the middle of it.

Spike smiled.